And The Beat Goes On

Yesterday when we left off from the FBook War of Words between me and my natural father's wife, we were discussing the fact that she believes my father treats her kindly with benevolent neglect...lol.

I never responded to M's last comment to me...figured, what was the point?

And then...

My father actually jumped into the fray at nine o'clock last night.

(Natural Father)  Hello Christina, this is your father. I know that I deserve all of your anger and pained comments. It sucks to read about some asshole and his benevolent neglect all the while knowing it is true and it's you. I have never been comfortable with the fact that my past pretty much sucked and my method of coping is to bury the depressing aspects in my self-loathing. There is not a day that goes by that this state doesn't get in my way. It clouds my judgement and gets in the way of my happiness. My failures are mine not yours. I intend to attempt to repair our relationship! If you can find it in your heart to forgive, I will try to earn back your respect and love. Know this, I was thrilled to find you, I truly love you and if you can, please allow me this opportunity.

I didn't respond.  I did leave my house and go for a long drive though because I wasn't sure WHAT to think.  Still am at that place now but hopefully my head will clear as time goes on.

And my natural mom posted her own status last night.  If you didn't know why I love her so much, this should clinch it for you.

(Natural Mom)  FACTS: I love my daughter. She is beautiful, brave, loving and articulate. I do not like to read things like "you seem like a lovely young woman, but..." No BUT...she IS. Does having a "chip on her shoulder" negate her loveliness? Nope. Is there actually a chip there? Nope. Being disappointed, hurt and let down and feeling or expressing those feelings does not give evidence of a chip.  Here's another fun fact...IF my daughter were to draw "a line in the sand"..I would jump it, fly over it, or crawl across it to reach her...she's worth that...and so much more. Fact: You can make excuses for, justify, explain or rationalize the behaviors of someone...but you can't keep their promises for them..so all that energy you spend trying...is really just blowing smoke.
more facts, you ask? why yes...don't mind if I add more...my daughter was in my world since before she was born....miles don't matter...never did. I may, at times, live in my own private Idaho....but there is always a spot in my world for my daughter.Final fact? (I may add more later...but this is the last one for this post) "benevolent Neglect" is an oxymoron!!so...play nice, mind your business, keep your promises.

And then today, when M, my father's wife, logged onto FBook from work, her comments started flying.

She didn't like my mom's status...clearly as these were her comments underneath it:

(Natural Father's Wife) Okay, that is enough. I am out of the middle of all this; I don't know what any of you all's expectations are, but Facebook is NOT the place to air these personal things! Enough, please! We are human beings too, you know. I really don't know either of you and do not have the means to travel and visit in order to get to know you. I have not said anything mean spirited to anyone and would appreciate the same from you, too, (natural mom's name). Enough!

And then, a minute later..this...(after no one had said anything to her).

(Natural Father's Wife) YOU play nice!

And again, an hour later (again, no one said anything to her).

(Natural Father's Wife) Stop attacking me! I am going to go and sage myself now.....!

Still following the drama?  I wish I could say it ended there but she then commented on my original status under my natural father's comment to me.

(Natural Father's Wife) You should know that P has not been able to log into his FB account for a long time; that is why he has sent the message above using mine. Likely, he'll have open another one, but that message is from him, right hand to God. Also, if you did not want me to show him your message, then why post it on FB for everyone to see? Just saying...(I know you are hurt and angry and I can see you are in pain. I am sorry that you feel those things, but I cannot say that I blame you in any way). Now, please let there be peace among us.

(Me )  Not sure why you are upset with me M. You commented on my status, I replied back. I don't think I was disrespectful or deserved what you just wrote at all.

(Natural Father's Wife) Honey you are the one who posted the whole thing on FB. Perhaps a private message would have been more appropriate? I am not angry at all with you. Please read every word of my posts; I am all about peace and love and light and acceptance! Please understand that and know that is what I only ever wish for you, too! I am bowing out of the middle of this; P has left you a message above. This is between the two of you, okay honey? Wishing you the best of everything always!

(Me)  I posted a status...you began commenting. I see nothing wrong with what I wrote. You had the choice to simply read the status to P, but instead kept commenting. I get where you are coming from to a certain extent...after all, I could have written P a private message that he never would gotten anyway, right? I didn't ask for you to step in the middle.  

(Natural Father's Wife)  It was a comment disguised as an attack. It is only natural that I would try to talk with you and defend the man I know and love. I simply told you that he did love you and but he isn't a demonstrative type of person. This has escalated far enough. Take care.

(Natural Father's Wife) It meant to say an attack disguised as a comment...

(Me) I was not attacking you. Simply stating that this was not a case of me being the water and him being the horse. It's not as cut and dry as that. One person's perception is another's reality.

That's it...that's all she wrote.

By the way, I changed my status to "I love unicorns, rainbows and puppies! <3".

Take Your Benevolent Neglect and Shove It

Last night I decided that I am completely done with my natural father.  I had left my profile up that I had created when we first made contact because part of me was always hoping that he'd come around...but I realized that I was doing more harm than good to my heart.

My father's wife is one of my friends on that profile, as is my natural mom.  She calls me "dear heart" all the time which rubs me the wrong way because while it sounds nice in theory, truthfully it feels patronizing.

I put up the following status last night on that page...and tagged my father and mom.

Pretty much done. Tired of talking around the issue and not getting anything in response from the one person who should be explaining himself. I have given my heart and my love and gotten crapped on in return. This profile will be deleted soon and I will move on.
Not going happily...but it seems like it's pointless to keep it up when I have another one where I have my friends and family, both ...adoptive and natural, on it..and who are proud to call me their daughter, sister, friend.
Your loss. Not mine. I truly thought that I'd found another piece of my puzzle, but it appears I was mistaken. I found a corner piece that belonged to another puzzle from another box.

I would have loved to have heard stories of my father's natural family. Would have loved to have experienced the same type of loving reunion and total acceptance that I have enjoyed with my mother. Alas, it's just not to be.

I have given up that dream. — with (Natural mom's name) and (Natural father's name)

So then, this morning the comment war started.  Sigh.

My father's wife's comments are BOLD and my responses are in ITALICS.

• (Father's wife) I'm sorry Christina. I will be passing this message on to P today. He hasn't looked at FB in a really long time. He just doesn't do much of anything except work. Sad really...You know you can lead a horse to water....take care dear heart!

  6 hours ago · Like

  
  
• (Me) I am not water, and he is not a horse Mavis. I am his daughter and he is my father. And I don't really care if you say something to him or not about what I wrote. I know it won't make a difference.

  6 hours ago · Like

  
  
• (Father's wife) I wasn't calling you water nor him a horse Christina. I was only saying that you can put something in front of someone and it's up to them to partake or not. But, you are wrong in your judgement of him. He is a loving man and I know that he has love in his heart for you and completely accepts you as his daughter. He is, however, a very inattentive man. P doesn't pay attention to my daughters (or me either for that matter) (Her daughters are not P's children), but we know that he is a loving man. P is the kind of man that is taciturn and thrives most in his relationships on benevolent neglect. I am sure you are a lovely young woman but it seems you want to draw a line in the sand. It seems that there is a chip on your shoulder about all this from your response above as well as not a small amount of anger. I can't claim to know what it is like for you but I am trying to understand. However, line in the sand or not, that is your choice. I don't expect you to understand him and I know that you want more of a full relationship with P than there is now. I hope that someday that will happen. He is a very imperfect human being as are we all. He has his challenges just like all the rest of us. These things are certainly not in my power but I wish you brightest blessings always no matter what you do.

  5 hours ago · Like

  
  
• (Me) The thing is, I'm not just "something" that he can choose to partake in or not. I only wish that I'd known about his tendency towards "benevolent neglect" before I started talking to him as I probably wouldn't have gotten my hopes up.

  
  

  Am I drawing a line in the sand now? Yes. But it's been two years since my last contact with him so I'm not really sure that HE wasn't the one who drew the original line in the sand. For you to say that I have a chip on my shoulder just proves that you don't understand the pain that this has caused and how much self control it has taken not to "take my ball and go home" months ago. Should I NOT have anger towards P? Should I just accept P's avoidance as his way of showing love? Perhaps that works for you and for your daughters, but that isn't how love is conveyed in my world. Love is given freely and without excuses. I apologize if you have thought that I am angry at you. I am not. I feel sorry for you, to be honest. How sad to have to live with "benevolent neglect" on a daily basis and not realize that you deserve more. I deserve more and I am simply taking care of my heart here.
• 3 hours ago · Edited · Like

  
  
• (Father's Wife) That I do understand. And, yes, it did seem as though you were angry with me for something I cannot change. Do I respect him for the way he proceeds? No, I don't. But, I have been with him for fourteen years and I have a complete sense of myself that doesn't need his attention. I do know that he loves me and he treats me kindly always. I don't want or need your pity nor that of anyone else, though. My life is full and I am not unhappy. Unfortunately, P does not live in your world. We are hundreds of miles apart and he does not have a communicative gene in him. You can be angry with him all you like. But I do pray that light and love continue to be with you always, Christina.

about an hour ago · Like

So, now what? I know my natural mom is going to jump into the fray and I'm not going to stop her. When she talked to P after she found him on FBook, he told her he was in this for the long haul and wasn't going to leave me high and dry. Sadly, that's exactly what has happened.  And what the hell is "benevolent neglect"?  Neglect is neglect, no matter how you try and slice it.

Are You My Father? ~ NaBloPoMo ~ November 4

It's been awhile since I've posted on Lost Daughters, and I'm so glad I'm jumping back into it during November.  Reading so many heartfelt and thought provoking posts by amazing women is doing wonders for my soul.

My biggest problem with blogging lately is that my creative juices seem to have dried up.  That's why it's so helpful to have the prompts provided for us so I don't have to tax my brain too hard.

Writing prompt for today: The Natural Father

According to biology, it takes two to make a baby. However, when it comes to adoption often the natural father seems to be left out of the conversation more often than not. Do you feel that’s a valid statement? Were your natural parents treated as equals in your adoptive household? As a child, did you wonder about your natural father? Were you given any details about him? How did that make you feel? What is your view on natural fathers’ rights?

"Your birthmother was sixteen or eighteen and gave you up for adoption."

That was all I was told by my adoptive parents. Period. End of story. My father was never mentioned. I assumed my natural father was a teenager too, but had no idea whether he knew about me or what the back story of my existence truly was.

For what it's worth, I never really thought about him much until my natural mom found me. It was then that I realized I had other family members beyond my maternal side and I began to wonder about this man who was an integral part of my life's puzzle. As a child, when I imagined being rescued from the abuse, I pictured a woman showing up at the door..my mother...coming to take me home. I never pictured a man with her. And to be honest, I was afraid of men as a child.

My natural mom found him on Facebook in December 2010. After writing him for several weeks, I truly felt like one more tree had been added to my family orchard. He had the same sarcastic wit that I share with my natural mom and family. I finally figured out where I got my vertically challenged-ness (my maternal brother and sister are 6'4" and 5'9", respectively) and once again, I could see myself in another's face. Powerful..awe inspiring..and sadly, fleeting.

I had a father again...and then, it fell apart. The emails dwindled down to nothing and aside from one phone call on Easter, I never talked to him or met him face to face. It was over. Just like that. But I don't regret finding him. I just regret putting so much of my heart into it so quickly. My reunion with my mom and my maternal family was so easy and comfortable that I just assumed it would be the same way with my father. After months of radio silence, I've come to realize that I can't make him want to be in my life. He has the right to back off, and I have the right to take care of my heart. I'm now working on contacting my two brothers and while they haven't written me back yet, I'm being cautious but hopeful at the same time.

I do agree that natural fathers are left out of the conversation for the most part. I'm sure many of us have read blogs written by potential adoptive couples lamenting the hoops they have to jump through if the natural father does try to contest the adoption. Fathers should have just as many rights as mothers but they are often kept out of the loop until it's too late. Just take a look at this blog and realize that this is a man who wants his son back and is fighting to get his son back but is being met with seemingly insurmountable odds.

Natural Fathers' Rights shouldn't be a question, just like Natural Mothers' Rights and Adoptee' Rights shouldn't be a question. Keeping families intact should absolutely be the goal, not the exception.

I've had to challenge myself on this very topic when it comes to my son and my ex, his father. When my son was an infant, his father left the state. For over two years, there was no contact from him and I had moved on with my now fiance. He became the father figure in my son's life that had been lacking. My ex came back with a new wife and daughter in tow and after mediation through the court, we settled on easing them into visitation slowly, building a relationship with the son he'd left. He has that right. I will never take the father/son connections away from either one of them, especially since the fathers in my life have let me down in different and yet equally painful ways.

Heart on Fire

I still haven't heard from my natural father...but that doesn't mean I don't still stalk his and his wife's profiles on FB.  Found out today that he was in the hospital last week because he was having heart problems.  I guess he was released from the hospital yesterday.

I feel numb.  Like I don't know how to feel.

To make matters worse, even if I WANTED to say something about it on FB, I can't.  I found out by checking out the wife's daughter's page.

Oof

Remember me?  Lol.  Sorry all.  Life has been crazy the past few weeks and I've taken yet another break.  Nothing much has changed though.  Still engaged (!!!)..still no date.  Still no contact with my natural father...still pretending not to care. 

I went to my natural mom and sister's apartment a few weeks ago so I could join them at a cousin's baby shower.  The drive out there was a bit hairy...figures it was on one of the only snowy days we've had since Halloween, but I made it.  My natural brother was visiting when I got there and it made my heart melt when I opened the door and he pulled me into his arms and said, "Hi Big Sis..missed you!".  For those of you who don't know, my brother is 6'4" vs. my 5'3" height.  Quite the difference..hahaha.

While we were all talking, I was sitting on the floor and looked over at my brother and realized he was watching me contemplatively...it was a little unnerving, I must admit.  How odd it must be for him, even after being in reunion with me for almost four years, to acknowledge that I exist and am real.  I sometimes forget myself and am always surprised when I get a text from my mom or sister telling me they love me.  I sit back and think, "That's right!  I know them!!!".

Anyway...just wanted to check in and let you all know that I'm still kicking.   :)

Dismissal

I did it.  I deactivated my FB profile that I’d created for the sole purpose of being in touch with my natural father.  Funny, I guess I thought there’d be some sort of confetti blowing out of my monitor when I hit “Confirm” and entered in the stupid Captcha words…but there was nothing.  I got nothing…I feel nothing.

I let my n-mom know that I was doing it today and she fully supports my decision.  This is a little of what I wrote to her:

“What I’d like to tell him is this:  Don’t tell me you want me in your life if you really don’t.  Don’t say you’re so glad we’re connecting when you really aren’t.  You go off and have your wonderful life with your wonderful wife and your wonderful stepdaughters and grandchildren and I’ll go off and have mine.”

I admit that I cried a little at my desk as I went through the deactivation motions…but it’s really for the best.  I was torturing myself by putting up little notes on my wall, “Happy Halloween” and then “Happy Thanksgiving”…I’d be double damned if I was going to put up “Merry Fucking Christmas”, only to get silence and *crickets*.

Part of me feels like a little kid, taking her ball away and stomping off for home.  Don’t want to play by my rules?  Peace out.

Dear Dads

Dear Adoptive Father,

You ruined me.  I was an innocent child and you completely and utterly ruined my childhood.  Many times I’d cry myself to sleep, trying to figure out how you could be so loving one minute and such a fucking monster the next.  Did you think it was funny to lay down on the floor in front of the bathroom when I was using it, wiggling your fingers under the door pretending like you were going to come in?  Yeah, not funny.  My screaming for you to stop only made you antagonize me further and I’d hear you laughing as you walked away.  To this day, I have to lock the door to the bathroom and turn on the overhead fan, even when I’m home alone, to drown out the memories and the screams of a little girl.

Many a Saturday morning I’d be watching cartoons while Mom and C (asister) went out shopping and you’d come in the den, stand in front of me while facing the television and pull down your pants, shaking your ass in my face.  Again the screams for you to leave me alone…again the laughter. 

Then there were the times you’d flip the switch and get angry.  You’d turn into a monster and scream at me like Mom always did…calling me a piece of shit on more than one occasion.  Telling me to stop eating because I was getting fat.  Is it any wonder I ended up with an eating disorder? 

Then there are the memories that are still hidden.  Those nights that I’ve flashbacked to…but only just far enough to know that things had gone horribly wrong on some level and I truly wasn’t innocent any longer.

I have tried to find forgiveness in my heart for you, but all I feel is…nothing.

Dear Natural Father,

It’s been almost a year since we were reunited.  The day I got a response to my letter to you was amazing.  I totally believed you when you said that you couldn’t wait to share your life and family with me.  Why would I have thought any different?  After all, my reunion with C (natural mom) and her side of my family tree had gone swimmingly and I felt completely accepted and loved by each and everyone I’d met.  You’d think I would have learned by now not to trust anyone.  Shame on me.

I sent you a Father’s Day card.  You responded that it was the best Father’s Day card ever.  I think I had hoped that you would have realized that Father’s Day was also my birthday but was willing to let that slide.  I knew you were busy taking care of your wife’s grandson because his mom was going through a hard time and I didn’t want to come off sounding bitchy, but really, I was/am hurt.  I just want to be accepted. 

Fast forward through June and July and C happened to ask me how things were going between us.  I made excuses for you, saying that you were really busy and couldn’t really talk.  In actuality, I had no idea what was going on, just that you had stopped writing.  I dropped you a message on July 27, C dropped you a message a few days later and I finally got a response on August 1.  Telling me that nothing was wrong, the dead air between us had nothing to do with me.

What the hell am I supposed to think now?  It’s been four and a half months now with no correspondence whatsoever.  I guess I was hoping you’d at least have the balls to tell me that it was too much for you, that you’d rather not have a relationship with me, now or ever.

The revengeful, bitter adoptee part of me is seriously considering closing the FB account I started specifically so we could be in touch because I’m so fucking angry. 

The scared, rejected adoptee part of me is worried you wouldn’t notice.

Clarification

I realized after reading my last blog post that people may have gotten the wrong impression.  I’ve not broken up from my boyfriend.  We’re still together…still in love. 

No.  I meant that my natural father has apparently decided that a relationship with me is too much for him.  That’s my assumption anyway…haven’t heard a thing from him since his last email in August and before that, I’d gotten a quick thank you after I’d sent him the Father’s Day card (coincidentally, Father’s Day fell on my birthday this year and I never got a “Hey, Happy Birthday” message or anything. 

It would have been a year that we were in reunion as of Christmas Eve.  Now, I have to live with the knowledge that I won’t ever truly get to know him.  I’m sad right now…and possibly still in denial that he could tell me that he was excited to get to know me and my children in one breath, and in the next, I get nothing.

I should have known though…and I’m kicking myself in the ass right now for ever thinking that my reunion with him would be anything like the one I’m in with my natural mom and her side of my family orchard (definitely don’t just have a family tree).  After all, my mom sought ME out…and with my father, I found him and contacted him. 

From what my mom has said, in her conversations/emails with him, he hasn’t told his sons about me.  Apparently his relationships with them aren’t the greatest and he is worried about how they’d react.  I get that..really…I do…but that doesn’t lessen the pain and the heartache of once again being a dirty little secret.

God, I feel like such an adopted bastard today.

Speed Bump

As you all remember, I was reunited with my natural father in December 2010.  Things were going really well...we were all (my natural mom, dad and his wife) emailing via Facebook on a regular basis.  I'd even talked to P (n-dad) on the phone right around Easter and was extremely hopeful that things were going to work out..and I'd finally have the father that I never had.

I think I jinxed myself.

The emails slowly dwindled down to nothing...especially after my n-mom went down to Delaware to care for my ailing grandfather.  She still writes, calls and texts me almost daily...but P has been MIA.  He emailed once to thank me profusely for the Father's Day card I'd sent...but other than that...nothing.

N-mom was back up for a visit last week and asked me how things were going.  I was truthful...but also slipped back into my old ways...making excuses for him.  "He's probably busy with his wife's grandkids..." and then, in a moment of self-pity, "At least I have you...it doesn't matter whether he wants to have me in my life".  Yeah, I'm a liar.

She got upset...like it was somehow her fault that he'd dropped off the face of the earth and I was quick to tell her that no...it ISN'T her fault.  Whatever the reason for the silence, it's not either of our faults.

Unbeknownst to me, while she was home, she emailed P...presumably on the guise of wondering how things were going for him and me.

The very next day, there was a message on Facebook from P:

hi doll, it's been too long, I know. I think whenever we get out of routine and my comfort zone I tend to withdraw and become self-absorbed. It hasn't been 'normal' here for almost 2 months, finally though, getting back to routine. I apologize for the dead air. It has nothing to do with you sweety. Anyhow, I'm trying to get back to good. I love you ♥

Still trying to believe that he's not going anywhere and that he's just busy...but something tells me, the tide is changing.  I'm not sure whether I'm okay or not with that..which probably means that I haven't allowed myself to think about it too much yet.

This, That and The Other Thing

Life’s been quiet the past few weeks.  The third anniversary of my first contact with my natural mom has come and gone.  She’s still in Delaware with my grandfather but might (fingers, toes, arms, legs and eyes are crossed for luck) come home for a week soon.  Haven’t been talking much with my natural dad though.  He and his wife were busy taking care of her grandson for awhile and then were going on vacation.  Still feeling a little hurt that he didn’t remember my birthday but that’s just how it goes I guess. 

Spent the weekend with my friend from work and her twin daughters, along with my two cherubs.  Went to the pond near her house on Saturday…managed to avoid getting sunburned even though we ran out of sunblock after the four kids and Robin were doused in it.  I was skeered there for a little bit because normally I can only be out in the sun for ten minutes before I look like a lobster..lol. 

On a brighter note, it’s been five months since I’ve received any child support from Chase’s father…until last week when I finally got something.  Although, if you take the $87.20 that was deposited and divide that by 5 months (roughly 20 weeks), that works out to be $4.36 a week.  Whatever.  No, really…whatever.  I don’t bother getting upset about it anymore.  It’s up to the Department of Revenue to deal with now.  And from the correspondence I’ve been having with the DOR lately, things are catching up to my ex. ::shrug::  Again, whatever.  If I get money for Chase, great.  If not, it’s fine.  I have tons of other stuff to worry about..like the fact I need more coffee..lol.  I just show up for the drop offs/pick ups with a smile on my face and know that being civil to him and to his wife is the best gift I can give Chase. I do have to admit that I was snippy in an email thread my ex and I had the other day.  See, he’s a SAHD to his two other daughters, younger than Chase, and was saying that he had gone on a field trip with the kindergarten to the fire department and how great it was to be able to see things like that through a child’s eyes.  Now, I agree…but was feeling a bit snarky at that particular moment and retorted, “Sadly, working full time Monday through Friday doesn’t give me time to go on field trips with the kids…nice you got to go though.”  Sigh.  Not my finest moment but I was irritated..lol.  (This was NOT a jab at any SAHParents in my viewing audience…but if you have children you need to be supporting, sitting at home and not providing is just plain wrong).

Ugh..rant over.

The Day-That-Must-Not-Be-Named

It's been almost eight years since my adoptive abuser died.  Dead of a massive heart attack at the age of 68.  In the years leading up to his death, we would "celebrate" Father's Day at my sister and brother-in-law's house...giving gifts to a man for whom I'd lost all respect.  I never gave him mushy cards...instead I gave humorous cards...and just signed my name.  I felt like a fake.  But I had to grin and bear it..because it was expected.  And I never went against the grain...never rocked the boat.

This year...oh, this year...it's even more complicated.  I have a father again.  And it's weird. 

I just went out to the store a little bit ago and bought a card for him.  Except I froze in the aisle.  Much the way I freeze picking out a Mother's Day card for my n-mom. 

"Happy Father's Day, Dad"

"I love you Daddy"

"You were the best dad while I was growing up..."

Ummmmm...fuck.

I ended up turning my back on those cards...feeling incredibly awkward.  I picked out one of those sappy generic cards with a ton of writing on them. 

Because I trust you all, I'm going to quote the card...it was written by Cheryl Hawkinson.

I wish you were within hugging distance.
I wish you were right here face to face,
and that we were laughing and talking
about anything and everything
that comes into our heads.
I know there are many ways
to keep in touch these days,
and I am thankful for all of them,
but what I wouldn't give
to have you
in the same room as me.

But I can still imagine it, of course,
and that's what I'm doing right now.
I'm smiling to think about
how much you mean to me,
how lucky I am
to have you in my life...
and I'm hugging you in my heart.

Are you all vomiting from the sappiness yet?  What do you think?

I'm focusing on this more than I probably should...but it's keeping me from thinking about the fact that Father's Day is also the day I entered the world almost *gulp* 29 plus 8 years ago...the day I became lost.

Live With No Regrets

It's been a wild week.  Quarter/Year End is over...and life can get back to normal.  Once, of course, my darling son kicks this fever in the ass.  Sigh.  I've been writing to P pretty much every day..learning more about his family--my family.  It seems like it's been more than a week since we started talking, but we're definitely taking our time.

We had messages flying back and forth last night and I realized just now that I missed the last one he'd sent after he'd started a fire in his fireplace.  I wanted to share it with all of you because, well, just because..lol.

Fire...check. I got my camera working, need to figure out how to broadcast. This weekend I get home around 7 pm so I'll be online after I walk the pooch.



We were talking a few weeks ago about the past year and that it was one of our best. And then you happened to me. I am so thankful, I can't tell you. I don't like to use the word regret because I believe you do the best you can with the available information you have at the time but I wish to God you and I could've connected before this. Everything happens for a reason so I don't question why. I think we will all be alright now...I pray for it.

And my response:

And I missed your message you had sent so I am sorry for not responding to it.

When C found me, my friends would ask me how I was feeling about it all. I finally was able to put it into words after a while. It was like a hole had been filled in my heart that I didn't even know was there. THAT is how I am feeling now, talking and connecting with you. We can't change the situation in the past...but we can move forward...together.


Holy sappy message Batman..lol.

I'm in awe of him.  And I'm in awe of the situation.

My Christmas Present

It was Friday afternoon, Christmas Eve, and I was walking around Target aimlessly looking for last minute stocking stuffers and presents.  My phone vibrated and I saw that my nmom had texted me. 

C: Has he written??

Me:  Nothing yet..

C:  Well he just wrote me on Facebook and said "Wish me luck, I'm going in.."

Me:

C:  Breathe

Me:  I'm in the middle of Target.  

C:  Lol.

Me:  OMG, I have to go home.

C:  Keep busy and BREATHE.  He's probably writing and rewriting his letter...

Me:  ::vomit::

C:  Lol.  Love you.  No matter what, I love you.

I went home and started putting together Chase's Zhu Zhu pets and their accompanying playsets.  Put on some Christmas music and got lost in the spirit.  Until my phone beeped with the notification that I had a Facebook message. 

My favorite Christmas present this year?  No...not an engagement ring. And my new silver earrings, personalized keychain and Kindle were pretty frigging sweet, but those weren't the presents that meant the most to me.

This was:


Hi Christina, I wouldn't call it a shock, more like a tsunami...HA! I am surprised, no denying it, not shocked though...I welcome this surprisingly peaceful news. Mostly I am happy and relieved that you and C are together with your gorgeous babies.



I talked about you with my wife M and she agreed that you and I should (re)connect. She is wonderful and at some point, with your permission, I'm sure you will hear from her as well. My road is a long and winding one and one that I look forward to sharing with you. M and I live in our new house on the family farm, though not really a farm. We grow veggies to put up each year and horses occupy some of the land. We moved here to help take care of M's parents when the time comes. I have three sons, C, who was adopted, M, who's in the Army, and D. C and D live in Virginia Beach. I have 2 lovely step-daughters A and L and they have tons of kids so "Poppee" is always busy when they visit.


This is a new start and one that I am looking forward to with much anticipation. I must now go and tend to the man stuff that goes with decorating for the family party later today. Merry Christmas Doll.

The Waiting Game...Again

I sent it.  I sent an email to P on Facebook.  Now I wait for him to reply.  Holy hell I'm in a fog...not an adoption fog...just a fog..lol.

Hi P,

I hope that some of the shock has worn off…I have to say that I’ve been in a bit of a daze the last few days myself. I have written and then rewritten this note to you a hundred times and am hoping that I can formulate complete sentences and thoughts this time.


The basics about me? I have two kids, a daughter Madelyn, who is 10 and a son Chase, who is 7. They are very active and quite the characters. I work as a Credit and Collections Analyst full time and have a long time boyfriend, Steven, who helps me with the kids and life in general..lol.


I’m really looking forward to getting to know you and hopefully exchange a few pictures since C has told me that we look a lot alike and that Madelyn in particular looks quite a bit like you as well.


In peace,
Christina

S.O.S.

For those of you who aren't my friends on Facebook or the forums, I have news.  Good news...fantastic news even!  My nfather wrote my mom.  He's in shock...but told her he's "definitely open to contact with our daughter".

So now, WHAT THE HELL DO I SAY TO HIM????  ::thud::  It was SO much easier being the "findee" and not the "finder".  I am not sure how brief or how wordy to get with the first email. 

I have no stinking clue what I'm doing and I'm panicking.  BIG TIME. 

I have no idea if his wife or step daughters know about me...and like C said, he might have "some 'splaining" to do.   I feel like a fish out of water and really need someone to slap me upside the head to restart my brain.