Making A List ~ Post One

"List all the names you've been called, endearing and not so."

Princess
Crissy
Chrissy
Cricket
Crick
Friff
Steener
Pissy
Prissy
Honey
Mom
Mommy
Mumma
Sweetheart
B*tch
C*nt
Bestie
CW
CDubs
Idiot
Chris


*I'm open to answering questions about any of the names on this list...although, I'm sure some of them speak for themselves.*

Opening Myself Up

Way back when I was applying to colleges, writing my essays, one of the institutions asked me to "Describe who you really are".

Ugh.  I had a hard time with writing that one because honestly, I didn't know who I was.  In many ways, I still don't.  In many ways, I've been stuck as the scared little girl who took on whatever persona I thought would keep me safe.  As a side note, whatever I wrote was enough for that college as I got in with a pretty hefty scholarship..lol.

Tonight I went out to Big Name Book Store and bought myself a new journal for writing and a book entitled "List Your Self; Listmaking as the Way to Self-Discovery", written by Ilene Segalove and Paul Bob Velick.  I'm going to use the writing prompts in that book here on this blog so one day I can hopefully say, THIS is who I am.  THIS is who I was meant to be.

I'm not convinced that I'll be able to stick to the list format though.  But I'm not going to come down too hard on myself for that.  Just the simple fact that I WANT to write again means something.

I'm thinking that maybe I'll make this into a meme.  That means that anyone who follows me can join in and do their own lists on their own blogs.  Maybe?  Maybe not?  Let's see how things go for me first, shall we?

My next post will be the beginning of this experiment...stay tuned!

Take Me Or Leave Me

Wow.  I never expected my last post to generate so many comments, but I wanted to thank each and every person who commented as it just goes to show that there are many varying opinions about abortion and adoption and what is acceptable to write about out there.

All I can say is that this blog is my chance to offer you MY opinions.  Just me.  I don’t expect everyone to agree with me all the time, or even part of the time.  That’s not why I’m here.  I’m here to get my feelings and emotions out, regardless of what POWERDAD may think..lol.  I’m an adoptee and I’m a survivor.  I have a right to my opinions, just like all of you have a right to yours.  Don’t want to hear what I have to say?  That’s fine…just click on the “X” at the top of the screen and be gone.  It’s as easy as that. 

I did have just a few things I wanted to say before I hit “Publish”.

POWERDAD:

I don’t think of myself as a victim.  Like I said above, I am a survivor.  I am not strong because I am adopted…I am strong in spite of it.  And regardless of how you try to spin my words, I do acknowledge that there are certain circumstances where children cannot live with their natural families.  As I stated in my comments on the below post, I believe in guardianship.  Give a child a family but do not take away their heritage and their link to their natural families. 

Chris:

I am really glad you have been reading my blog, but I cannot change the way I am or how I talk or write.  I’m sorry if you disagree with me commenting on other’s blogs but isn’t that the whole point of blogs anyway?  I cannot promise that I won’t continue to point out other blogs or sites that I don’t agree with.  Again, that’s my right..just as it’s everyone else’s right to link to my blog to call me out on something they take offense to.  And for the record, I’m discouraged by the conversation as well. 

Colleen:

I did visit your blog and saw the video of you campaigning outside of the abortion clinic.  You have your thoughts on the matter and I have mine.  Clearly we will never agree…and while I am a bit appalled by your methods, you’re entitled to preach your God’s words any way you’d like.  Please don’t tell me that I’m not Christian or am evil because I don’t go along with your way of thinking though.  Judge not, lest ye be judged, right?

Humbled

It's been a few months since I've blogged.  I had the best intentions to keep going through November, using the prompts at Lost Daughters to light my creative spark.  Alas, I didn't do that.  I stopped writing and I couldn't bring myself to come back to say, "Hey, sorry for ANOTHER long hiatus".

I came to a crossroads.  I began to think that maybe it was time to retire this blog and figure out something else to do.  I mean, I have a huge basket of yarn that I should be using to crochet...I have a Kindle Fire that is loaded with books that I am itching to read.  I have a ton of excuses. 

But then, something happened yesterday that changed my mind about packing up and getting the hell outta Dodge.

I received an email...from a stranger.  A stranger who seemed to know just what I needed to hear at just the right moment.

He had read the open letter written by an online friend and fellow adoptee...and it had moved him enough to write me.  Neither as an adopter..nor as an adoptee...but as a human being.  Truthfully, he'd thought I'd written the letter...which I was truly humbled by as I feel like I don't express myself nearly as well as my friend did.  But then he sent a second email, telling me that he realized after the fact that I hadn't written it but wanted to thank me anyway for my openness on my blog.

I responded...and thanked him for helping to renew my faith in humanity and my blog and the work that I want to do here. 

He let me know that he wants to share my blog with members of his church who have adopted children and who are thinking of adopting so they can get a clearer picture of what the other side of adoption looks like.

I was touched by his candor and his willingness to open himself up to me and I can only pray that I can do the same from now on.

Thank you newfound friend...from the bottom of my heart.  Thank you.

Gimme A Break ~ NaBloPoMo ~ November 6

Writing prompt for today: Taking a Break.

Have you ever taken a break from adoption related things such as blogs, forums, or groups? If so, how did it help you (if at all) and why did you come back? If not, what is the biggest draw for sticking around for long periods of time without a break?

Hello, have we met?  Have you read my blog for the past year?  I am currently the reigning Queen of taking blogging breaks and extended hiatuses.  For awhile, I blamed it on writer’s block.  But really, it was more than that. 

As I mentioned on my blog, my reunion with my natural father has gone belly up.  I have had to resign myself to the fact that the easy reunion I experienced with my mother, siblings and maternal relatives is not how it will be with my father and the two brothers I have been trying to contact.  The rejection I feel is overwhelming at times and causes me extreme anguish.  I mean, I totally get not having a solid internet connection and even not being comfortable on the phone, but he’s had my address since December 24, 2010 and yet, I’m still not worthy of a letter or postcard.  I’m dealing with it, clearly not as well as I’d like, and I will move on from this setback but it is affecting me…emotionally, mentally and yes, physically.

Speaking of physical issues, some of you who are friends with me on FBook have probably seen me talking about my high blood pressure woes.  Last night it got as high as 184 over 126.  One of my friends at work gave me her blood pressure cuff to take home so I can keep an eye on my levels until I go back to the doctor’s next week..but that might have been a bad idea.  I checked it several times last night and could only calm down to sleep once it hit 130/80 after several hours.  I went to the Emergency Room a few weeks ago because I was having chest pains.  All the blood work they did at the hospital came back fine.  The list of things they checked for seemed endless.  It was not a heart attack, was not lung clots, and was not my thyroid.  The ER doctor and my Primary Care doctor think it is stress.  It is definitely outside factors (not the kids or my fiance or home life), work being the biggest problem right now.  I feel so much pressure to perform well and usually just feel like I’m swimming in the deep end of a pool, doing enough to tread water very slowly while barely keeping my head above water.  And the reunion-rejection crap definitely does not help either.  My doctor prescribed anxiety medicine to take in tandem with the blood pressure pills so hopefully that will help.

I’m enjoying being back for November’s posts though.  This blog has always been my safe haven, regardless of some of my more *ahem* colorful readers and comment contributors.  I want to share my life with you all because many of you have been where I am and having your support does help me to keep writing. 

I'd NEVER Win Your Contest, Huh?

I'm mad right now..so mad, in fact, that I'm writing twice in one day when my blog posting has been sporadic at best lately. 

There's this poll that you can vote on...did you know about it?  It's run by Circle of Moms and it's to vote on the Top 25 Blogs by Moms.  It's for mom bloggers who write about adoption and foster parenting. 

So far so good?

Amanda from The Declassified Adoptee and Claudia from Musings of the Lame are in contention still...but the Powers That Be over at Circle of Moms have decided that Cassi...sweet, beautiful Cassi of AdoptionTruth needs to be silenced and have taken her out of the competition.

See, they rigged their contest.  It's open to adoptive parents, foster parents, adult adoptees, birthmothers, etc. etc. etc...but...here's the issue...and why they kicked Cassi so unceremoniously to the curb. They only want bloggers who talk about adoption in a positive and supportive manner.  ::insert projectile vomiting here:

I'm glad that Amanda and Claudia are still fighting the good fight and getting the word out...but I'm sad that anyone else who disagrees with adoption as it stands now are always being seen as pariahs.

Sorry Circle of Moms...you've got it all wrong.  Shame on you. 

I'm an adult adoptee.  I'm a mom.  And I'm positive that I don't support adoption.  Can I be on your list?