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Five.

It's been five years to the day since I opened my Myspace inbox and read the email that would change my life forever.  I can't believe that much time has passed.  So much has changed for me.

I found out that I have younger siblings.  I was always referred to as the "baby" of my adoptive family.  Now,  I am the big sister of a sister and three brothers.  Craziness.  I never really put much stock in the birth order bunk, but it really makes me wonder if I would have been different being the oldest child rather than the youngest.

I found out where I got the dark circles under my eyes and why I started going gray/white haired in my early twenties.  I no longer had to look in the mirror and wonder who I looked like.  It was singlehandedly the most awesome and unnerving thing at the same time.  Sometimes in the early days of reunion, I had to pinch and remind myself that I DID know who I looked like now.  I DO know who my mother is.

I found out my birth story.  When my kids' birthdays roll around, we spend at least a half hour reminiscing and talking about the day they were born.  I can tell Maddie that her Auntie Cindy drove me to the hospital after my water broke and was able to hold my hand while I breathed, while driving a standard and timing my contractions.  That she pushed a little old lady out the way so I could lean on the wall in the hospital so I didn't pass out from the pain.  That it only took three pushes for her to make her entrance.  I can tell Chase that he was born on his due date after having gone to the doctor's earlier that day to make an appointment for induction two days later.  That they had to vacuum his fat head out of me while five residents stood around my bed since it was teaching night at the hospital..(sigh).  I'd never had that.  I'd bought into the story that the six days before I was adopted didn't mean anything.  They mattered.  I know that now.  And now I also know that I was born at night after being told my whole life that I was born at 9:03 in the morning.

I know why I am so clumsy.  Nature vs. nurture.  I am the girl who can trip on a perfectly flat surface.  I blame it on air bubbles on the ground.  My sister, mother and brother are just as clumsy...not to mention my kids.  Maddie broke her foot right before kindergarten by tripping on a chair.  My grandmother had to have a note from the doctor sent to the school when my mother was young, telling them that the bruises she had were from being a klutz, not from abuse..lol.

My mother, sister and I all have cysts on our heads.  Luckily we all have really long hair so you can't tell but it's nice to know I'm not alone.  My adoptive sister used to tell me that I was growing horns.  ::slow clap::  Good one.

Want to know another fun fact I found out when my mother and I started communicating via email?  We both use "..." a lot when we write.  I noticed that right away...and it made me cry.  It truly is the little things.

I would be remiss if I didn't mention that four years ago today was the day my sister's fiancee passed away from an overdose.  I think that's when I knew that I was needed and wanted by my natural family.  After I got the news from Cate, I drove an hour and a half to their town and was able to spend that night holding Cate as she fell into an exhausted sleep.  My mother had pulled me aside and told me, "No matter what doubts you have had about being a big sister...know that you have done an awe inspiring job today.".

I mentioned both anniversaries on my FBook today.  Both the five year anniversary of being found, and the four year anniversary of losing Keith.  I have been incredibly happy and incredibly sad today.

One of my natural aunts commented on my status..."Happy Found Day".  Indeed.

Resting In Pieces

The stress of the past few days has finally caught up with me.  I am in the beginning stages of a horrible head cold.  Never fails that if I’m dealing with a lot, I get sick.

It started Friday with my blowout with K, my ex’s wife.  Admittedly, not my finest moment.

Saturday was actually wonderful…went out with Steven for our 8^th anniversary to a really nice restaurant.  But that was kind of stressful too because even though I told myself I was being an idiot, I had hoped that it would have been “THE” night for a proposal.  No go.  But it was amazing to reconnect as a couple and the food was yumtastic.  I’ve had people tell me that maybe I need to propose to him…but that’s just not how I envision things to go.  And so, I wait.  Usually patiently, but sometimes, not so much.

Sunday was laid back…spent a couple hours with Maddie at my mom’s pool then watched a movie with Steven.

Yesterday, I picked up Chase from K again and aside from me asking her how things went with a response of “Fine” and a side of her infamous stink eye on the side, I was outta there.  Got home and was reading FBook and almost threw up.  One of my good friends from Kindergarten through high school died in a car accident while on vacation in Germany.  He was the first friend from school to die and I’m not quite sure how to handle it.

Makes your own mortality come zooming to the forefront of your mind. 

I immediately called two other friends that I’ve stayed in contact with since school and had to deliver the news to them because I didn’t want them to see it on FBook first.  What comforted me was telling them both at the end of the calls that I love them…and hearing them say it in return.  We may not be invincible beings, but we are human beings and feeling love was something I really needed last night.

And so, to Brian, rest in peace my friend.  You were an amazing person and I will never forget you.  We spent many a car ride home from school and Peer Leadership meetings blasting the radio, singing along to Elton John and Neil Diamond at the top of our lungs.   You were the person who coined my nickname “Steener”, said in the funny voice of our Physics teacher.  You were the one who helped me pass Geometry in our sophmore year.  You were the one who was unafraid to get up in front of the entire school and lip sync to Copacabana, dressed like Barry Manilow.  You were brilliant in life..and you are brilliant in death.