Take Me Or Leave Me

Wow.  I never expected my last post to generate so many comments, but I wanted to thank each and every person who commented as it just goes to show that there are many varying opinions about abortion and adoption and what is acceptable to write about out there.

All I can say is that this blog is my chance to offer you MY opinions.  Just me.  I don’t expect everyone to agree with me all the time, or even part of the time.  That’s not why I’m here.  I’m here to get my feelings and emotions out, regardless of what POWERDAD may think..lol.  I’m an adoptee and I’m a survivor.  I have a right to my opinions, just like all of you have a right to yours.  Don’t want to hear what I have to say?  That’s fine…just click on the “X” at the top of the screen and be gone.  It’s as easy as that. 

I did have just a few things I wanted to say before I hit “Publish”.

POWERDAD:

I don’t think of myself as a victim.  Like I said above, I am a survivor.  I am not strong because I am adopted…I am strong in spite of it.  And regardless of how you try to spin my words, I do acknowledge that there are certain circumstances where children cannot live with their natural families.  As I stated in my comments on the below post, I believe in guardianship.  Give a child a family but do not take away their heritage and their link to their natural families. 

Chris:

I am really glad you have been reading my blog, but I cannot change the way I am or how I talk or write.  I’m sorry if you disagree with me commenting on other’s blogs but isn’t that the whole point of blogs anyway?  I cannot promise that I won’t continue to point out other blogs or sites that I don’t agree with.  Again, that’s my right..just as it’s everyone else’s right to link to my blog to call me out on something they take offense to.  And for the record, I’m discouraged by the conversation as well. 

Colleen:

I did visit your blog and saw the video of you campaigning outside of the abortion clinic.  You have your thoughts on the matter and I have mine.  Clearly we will never agree…and while I am a bit appalled by your methods, you’re entitled to preach your God’s words any way you’d like.  Please don’t tell me that I’m not Christian or am evil because I don’t go along with your way of thinking though.  Judge not, lest ye be judged, right?

So Cliche

I'm wondering if I should put some rainbows and unicorns on the background of my blog and take out any references to my adoptive family so that when I comment on an adoptive parent's blog and they come here to check me out they won't immediately jump on the fact that I wasn't brought up in a happy dappy home.  Sigh. 

I commented on a blog (that I'd actually commented on a few weeks ago, linking to the Open Letter at the top of my blog) yesterday.  It was one of those posts that just eats you up inside. 

I give full credit for the post to the author...no one else would want that credit anyway.  (Lol..at least I can keep my sense of humor). 

So anyway, I replied to a comment the author had left in response to someone else (still with me?) and got a scathing (insert big ass eye roll) comment in return. 

Get to the point Christina..lol.  I know, I know.


Here's the post...

I'm copying and pasting the comments in question.  I'm not sure who "a face in the crowd" is but at least they tried.  I'm the "elenakatherine" in the equation, in case you've been hiding under a rock for the past three years..haha.  I'll be bolding the adoption cliches that we've all heard before but this is an excellent example of all the cliches rolled up into one place by one adoptive parent.  Please let me know if I miss any.  ;)



a face in the crowd on January 23, 2013 at 9:46 am said:

You do realize, don’t you, that ANY human being on the face of this earth could have been aborted? This isn’t an alternate fate relegated only to adoptees. As an adoptee myself, I get tired of hearing this from every single person who discovers I am adopted. “You are so lucky, you could have been aborted!!” they will proclaim, when yes, I think this is something that has crossed my mind once or twice. It seems to me (from what you have written) that your son’s mother never even once considered abortion – so to thank her now for not choosing something she didn’t choose to begin with? Seems like a slap in the face. To her, and your son.

Reply ↓

• littlesoul2 on January 23, 2013 at 6:27 pm said:

  Hello, and thank you for commenting. Yes, I do realize that any child conceived has the potential to be aborted. But, “unplanned” babies are certainly at the highest risk…whereas those who are “welcomed” may perhaps face abortion if they are later deemed not perfect by today’s standards.
  For the unplanned child in the womb, there are basically three fates awaiting him/her: the mother will decide to carry the child to term and raise her child herself or with the support of family members; the mother chooses to abort the child (this is the choice for close to one out of three pregnancies in the U.S.), the mother realizes that she does not have the resources (emotional, financial, family support, etc.) to care for her child, but finds killing her own baby abhorrent, and so she makes an adoption plan. This is the rarest of the three choices..by far.
  Before abortion was legalized, it was not even difficult to adopt multiple children. The family who lived next door to us when I was growing up had four adopted children. But in the 1970′s, waiting lists to adopt became almost endless, and the wait itself often dragged on for years. Many couples eventually gave up.
  Why did this happen? Part of the reason is that changing values made it more acceptable for unmarried women to bear and keep their children. But we know what else happened. We know because we have statistics from the Center for Disease Control and the Alan Guttmacher Institute which have set the number of surgical abortions since 1973 at over 55 million.
  Before abortion was legalized, many of these millions of aborted babies would have been placed for adoption. So, you see, there is a connection.
  My son is an only child, and neither he nor his dad and I wanted it that way. We re-applied to adopt a second child when he was two, but were simply told, “there are no babies…” The agency had placed only six infants the entire previous year. Surely you are aware of tens of thousands of couples traveling out of the US and adopting children from all over the world. Sadly, this is extremely expensive, and many who wish to adopt cannot afford to go this route.
  Having said all of that, I can understand your resentment at being singled out as a special case…an “abortion survivor,” when perhaps you were never in danger of abortion at all. But, there can be no denying that nowadays, millions of babies do meet their deaths in the womb when 40 years ago, they would have been protected by law, and placed for adoption or raised by extended family.
  But, let me make it clear that I do not think infertile couples have a right to anyone else’s child. Our infertility is our own problem, and it is no one else’s responsibility to provide us with a “ready made” family. However, when a woman like my son’s birth mother chooses to give her baby to a couple longing for a child, well that is an inestimable gift. I have read your blog, so I know you don’t like that term “gift,” but I assure you that every child is a GIFT..whether born into its biological family, or entering it through adoption. All children are gifts from God..in my lexicon.
  Finally, I would never presume to ask my son’s birth mother if she had ever considered abortion. However, she appreciated my husband’s poem so much that she kept it for twenty years, and even brought it to her reunion with our son. She also made his birth father a copy…and me as well. And my son, well he has always realized that being adopted makes him a bit different in some ways, but he knows that he is loved by the family who raised him as well as the woman and man who gave him life. Now that he is married, hopefully he will one day have children in whom he will experience both blood and family united, and that for him will be a special joy.
  I wish you well in finding peace with your own situation. Please feel free to comment here at anytime. Thank you and God bless!

  Reply ↓
  • elenakatherine on February 4, 2013 at 8:06 am said:

    What strikes me is that you tried to adopt again..but there were no more babies. If you truly wanted to help find a family for unplanned children, why wouldn’t you have adopted out of foster care? Truly unbelievable.
    And, that son you adopted, has two families. The one that he was born into and the one he got put into. Both real…both equally as important.

    Reply ↓
    • littlesoul2 on February 4, 2013 at 11:26 pm said:

      Elena, I am astonished at how angry you seem to be at me…a stranger. I do believe that I heard from you a few weeks ago, when you left me a link to a long post on your blog about how dreadful adoption is for all adoptees, etc. I did read every word of it carefully. Obviously you, and those you associate with have very deep and painful feelings about having been adopted. I am so sorry that you are suffering, but it is not true that all adoptees feel the same way. I have known many adopted young adults who have no interest in even finding their biological parents. Each person is unique, and each will have a different experience in adoption. I am so sorry yours has been hurtful.
      My own son enjoyed the search for his biological roots, but once re-connected with his birth parents he was satisfied, and for several years now has only casual contact with them. That is his choice….as is the decision regarding “which” family is more important to him.
      It is strange that you would think it “truly unbelievable” that my husband and I did not adopt out of foster care. Having a biological child as well as adopting any child is a most personal decision. Only the people involved know their own strengths and capacities. It is certainly not for others to judge.
      Elena, I do hope you can find peace with the past that you cannot change. You look quite young, and so have so much life to live. I pray it will be beautiful for you…and I wish you well. Peace.
      PS Elena, I just visited your blog and read a few posts. I learned that you did not grow up in a very loving adoptive home, and in fact referred to it as “abusive.” In that case, I can certainly understand where you are coming from. Please know that your bad experience surely has impacted your views on adoption. I agree that being adopted, even under the best circumstances, can be a challenge, but in a truly loving home, an adopted child and his adoptive parents really can become a real family.
      I am happy that you have re-connected with your mom and extended family. Sounds like that worked great for you! And..most of all, so happy you have your own little ones to love. I look forward to that for my son…family that he not only loves, but also can “see” himself in. We couldn’t give him that. But he does own our hearts. Wishing you only happiness…

Sigh. So many thoughts running through my head. First and foremost, what I want people to take away from this post is this:

It doesn't matter about my childhood. It doesn't matter what kind of home life I had...AT ALL. I lost my heritage. I lost my rights to my original birth certificate. I lost my family. And yes, I have reunited with my mother and my siblings. I do have a beautiful life in spite of being adopted, not because of it

.

And by the way, "littlesoul2", that Open Letter you read? That letter was supposed to make you think...not get defensive. It makes me sad that most (not all, because I know I have awesome readers who read this blog and can understand where I am coming from) adoptive parents read my posts and just dismiss me as an angry person. There's a difference between being angry and having anger. I have anger towards the adoption industry as a whole. She said it herself, "there were no more babies". GOOD, I say. You know what that means? It means that more mothers were keeping their children...it means that instead of "making the ultimate loving sacrifice", more women were realizing that they'd rather abort the child than condemn them to a life of missing out on their family.

Unreal

After I had my daughter back in 2000, I couldn’t imagine loving anyone as fiercely or as much as her.  She was amazing (still is, but I’m biased..lol) and I cherished every moment of her babyhood and toddler years, even when the Terrible Two’s hit with a scary vengeance.  Then I became pregnant with my son…and rather than have to make room for him in my heart, I was in awe of the way my heart expanded and multiplied a thousand-fold for this new tiny being.  Having grown up in a household where love was considered a privilege and not something to be given out freely, I didn’t understand the “Love multiplies” phenomenon until I experienced it firsthand.  I don’t love one of my children more than the other.  I just love. 

Perhaps that’s why I get so frustrated when I read adoptive parents getting angry and proclaiming, “WE’RE her parents!  We are raising her..we are the ones who take care of her on a daily basis!  Us!  We!  Me!  Me!  Me!”.

Why is it that as parents, we can say, I don’t love one of my children more than the other…but when it comes to children having more than one set of parents, as do all adoptees, or children whose parents have remarried, or in the case of my children, have a man (my fiancé) who has been in their lives almost forever, suddenly there is a contest for who is the best.  Why can’t we just agree that love is love is love is love and get on with life?

Green With Envy ~ NaBloPoMo ~ November 20

 

 

Nobody’s perfect and sometimes we become jealous of other people (just as others become jealous of us). Has a non-adopted person told you they were jealous of you (due to adoption)? If so, how did that make you feel? How did you respond? If you are in reunion, has jealousy come into play at all? For example, if you have siblings, have they expressed jealousy about a difference in lifestyle? Are you jealous of them? How do you handle this? If you are not in reunion, do you harbor any jealousy toward anyone? If not, why do you think that is?

It's funny because most of the comments I get about being adopted or adoption related situations comes from people I've met online.  I have heard the "I've always wished I was adopted..my family drives me crazy sometimes!" line more times than I can count.  It hurts, to be honest.  I mean, how can someone wish they had grown up with a family that was not their own?  How could you want to have a fake birth certificate or not know what happened to you in the hospital in the six days after you were given up by your mother and before you were dropped in the laps of strangers in a cold adoption agency waiting room?  I will never understand someone wanting that to be their story.  And on a more personal level, as the survivor of abuse at the hands of my adoptive parents, I want to shake them and say, "Your life is fine!  I would give anything to have grown up with my natural family to have been spared the pain I suffered!".  I do try to explain that to the misguided people who believe the grass is greener on the adoptee's side of the fence but I know that it probably falls on deaf ears.

I am in reunion.  And yes, jealousy has come in to play.  I have met all of my relatives on my natural mother's side and have spent an extended amount of time with them at family gatherings and a long weekend trip to celebrate my grandfather's 80th birthday.  Seeing the easy way they all were with each other made me realize what I'd been missing all my life.  I did fit in well with them...our sarcastic wit binds us all together...but they have inside jokes that I can never be part of.  My aunt Julie told me that it was like I was away at college for an extended amount of time but that I was home now...like I was always part of the family.  And while for the most part, I agree with her, another, more bitter part of my soul, grieves intensely for the lost time.

In regards to my adoptive siblings, they have never expressed jealousy towards my being adopted.  They adore my mother and she adores them...and me.  It may have something to do with the way they found out about me though.

My mother and their father got divorced when the kids were little and he had visitation every other weekend.  When my brother Greg was six and my sister Cate was three, he was driving them home after their visit.  He said to them, "Make sure you are good for Mommy so she doesn't give you away.  She gave away one bad baby already."  Can't really blame them for not wanting to be adopted, can you?

But on the flip side, I  fully admit that I am jealous of them. They grew up with my mother in a house full of love and of acceptance.  They were allowed to make mistakes and to grow from them without fear of being hit or screamed at.  They got to experience unconditional love...something I only learned was possible when I gave birth to both of my own children.  I don't harbor some deep resentment against them for their upbringing though.  I'm glad they didn't have to go through what I did. 

Siblings ~ NaBloPoMo ~ November 18

My adoptive sister, Cindy

 

Writing prompt for today: Siblings.

Do you have siblings in your adoptive family? Were they also adopted or not? What was your relationship like in regards to adoption? If you are in reunion, did you find siblings as part of your search? How you been affected by your sibling relationships? If you searched and found siblings, and had adoptive siblings, what has that been like? If you don’t have siblings, have you found any benefits to being an only child?





My adoptive sister Cindy is four years older than me.  She was adopted in 1970 after having spent six weeks in foster care.  As children, we never discussed being adopted.  Back then it was more about survival.  We dealt with the same craziness that was heaped upon us by our adoptive mother...(my mother pushed her so hard when she was six years old that her head made a dent in the kitchen wall)...and we became closer as the years went by, trying to keep each other out of harm's way.  Things have gotten a little odd between us now that I'm reunited with my natural family.  I think she sometimes feels bad when she realizes that I'm going out to visit them and that I don't just have her as a sister now.  It's a definite juggling act.

My natural sister and brother, Cate and Greg

I also have a younger brother and sister on my natural mom's side of the family.  It was very strange going from being the baby in the family to being the oldest sibling out of a group of three.  It is hard to get out to see them as much as I'd like to but Cate and I stay connected by text, email and phone calls a lot.  It's a bit different with Greg as he's really busy with work but he always is welcoming with big hugs and a "Love ya Sis" when we get together.  I get sad sometimes though, realizing all that I've missed out on by being raised in a separate family but I'm glad I have them.

I do have two other brothers on my natural father's side.  I haven't met them yet...have been trying to reach out to them after my reunion with my father fell through.  I'm hopeful...but also trying to be realistic.  Maybe they just aren't ready for me to come into their lives.  I'm okay with that...for now, it's enough to know they are out there somewhere.



Puzzling Experiment ~ NaBloPoMo ~ November 13

::tap tap tap tap tap tap tap....::

No, I'm not tapping my foot on the floor out of impatience.  I'm tapping on the Curiosity cube.  My friend Matty got me hooked. 

A group of people in England put together the cube as a social experiment.  It's a cube...made up of billions of smaller cubelets.  You download the app, and start tapping on the cubelets to chip away at the layers of the cube to get to the last layer.  Something is inside the cube that only the last person to tap on the last cubelet will get to see.  It's fascinating...exasperating...and unfortunately for me, highly addictive.  No one knows how many layers there are to this cube but the thought of what might be hidden inside is intriguing.

The cube for me is like chipping away at my life...peeling away the layers of adoption and abuse and pain and getting to my core.  Much like the experiment, I have no clue what is inside the cube and I have no clue what I will find inside of myself.  It'll be fun to find out though.  :)

Such A Crock ~ NaBloPoMo ~ November 11

Writing prompt for the day: Personal Opinions Regarding Adoption

What is your opinion of adoption today? Are you in favor of or against adoption, and how do various circumstances affect your opinion? Has your opinion changed over time? If so, what caused you to rethink your former opinion? What do you think is the biggest need for change in the adoption industry or is the current model for adoption fine the way it is? 




Adoption sucks. 

To tell you why that is my opinion today, I need to backup a few steps.

Growing up, being adopted was just part of my story.  As a child I didn't have a feeling towards it, good or bad.  I mean, yes, I hated my life because of the abuse, but I didn't put two and two together and blame it on adoption itself.  I internalized it and figured I was bad and that was why all the horrible things happened to me.

Once I grew up and matured, I began to internalize things even more and thought that the reason I was given up was because I was just unlovable.  I mean, if my own biological mother didn't want me, how could I expect total strangers raising me to treat me well?  I wished I wasn't adopted, but there wasn't anything I could do about it since my mother didn't want me so I had to just grin and bear it and daydream about a better life.

Now, as a reunited adoptee, I know that I wasn't a bad kid.  My mother thought she was giving me a loving family to live with, one that she thought she couldn't give me.  Instead I was placed with monsters.  It took a long time to realize that being given up wasn't a statement against me as a baby or a person, it just was the situation I was put into.

I'm not sure if there was one specific moment where the lightbulb went off and I understood how intrinsically wrong adoption truly is.  I think being found was part of the clarity though.  In talking to my natural mother, having very deep discussions about it, I came to see that my life would have been different living with her.  I would have grown up with a younger brother and sister and an extended family that is loyal to the nth degree.  The love they have shown me since we were reunited is amazing and I often feel grief creep into my heart for the lost time.  They make me feel like I am part of the family though...even more so than my adoptive relatives that I grew up with.  The hugs come easily, the "I love you's" are frequent and sincere.  I can't put myself behind a system that would take that familiarity away from children just because the supply and demand insists on it.

I am not heartless.  I know there are circumstances in which children should not stay with their natural families.  I was abused and would not wish what I went through on my worst enemy...but why adoption?  Why take a legal document (the birth certificate) and tamper with it, changing a child's natural mother and father's names to be that of the adoptive parents?  My adoptive mother didn't give birth to me, but why then is she listed on my birth certificate?  To me, that's fraud at the simplest level.  Why not guardianship instead?  Why not give a child a home without taking away their heritage?   That is what I want to see.  That is what I fight for. 

Searching For Something ~ NaBloPoMo ~ November 10

Instead of using the writing prompt from Lost Daughters today (Reactions to Searching), I'm branching out a bit to talk about the State of Affairs when it comes to my search for my natural brothers on my father's side of my orchard. 

I've emailed my youngest brother on Facebook, but I'm not sure whether he's on his page much or whether my message has been relegated to the mysterious "Other Messages" inbox that I just found out about the other day.

I'm realizing what my mother went through after she emailed me through Myspace.  She had no idea whether I would be open to a reunion with her.  She had no clue what my thoughts on my adoption were.  Maybe I would tell her to get lost...maybe I would want nothing to do with her.

But I was open to a reunion with her, as scary as those first bits of contact were, I wanted to get to know her.  As these past four years have gone by, I forget what it was like before she was back in my life.  It's like I've always known her.  And I wanted that to be the case with my father as well.  It appears that's not to be...but I am hopeful that my brother will open that "Other Message" and contact me.

Want a peek at him?

He is the spitting image of our father.

 

 

 

 

Fingers crossed that things work out.in my favor. 

Just Joshin' Ya ~ NaBloPoMo ~ November 8

What's The Story, Morning Glory? ~ NaBloPoMo ~ November 7

Writing prompt for today: Childhood Adoption Narratives. Describe the story your adoptive parents told you growing up. What age were you? What feelings and questions did you have about this “adoption narrative”? Was it a satisfying explanation for you? Explain. As an adult, whether or not you are in reunion, comment on how much of that story turned out to be true. Has your adoption narrative changed? What story, if any, do you share with friends, acquaintances? How do others react to your narrative? Are they curious, supportive, silencing?

 

 

There was never one specific day that my parents sat me down and told me that I was adopted.  I just "always knew".  My baby book was geared toward adopted children with lots of flowers and bunnies and "This is where we brought you after we picked you up from the adoption agency".

 

The story goes like this:

 

My parents had adopted my sister back in 1970 after trying to have a baby of their own for eight years.  They had to wait a few years to put their name back on the list to adopt another baby girl.  And wait they did.  It would two more years and by the time June of 1974 came along, they were seriously considering telling the agency to forget it. 

 

Imagine my mother's surprise when on the morning of June 25, the Social Worker called while my mother was home with my four year old sister.  "We have a baby girl for you". 

 

The problem was, the house wasn't ready for a baby.  No crib, no toys, no high chair, no diapers, no clothes..nothing.  My mother called in the neighbors who rushed out to get supplies for this infant.  She then called my father at work and told him to come home so they could go the agency and get the baby.  Once he got home, they headed out immediately, leaving their friends in charge of getting things ready back at the house.

 

The baby wasn't at the agency yet, they were bringing her from the hospital and would be there in a hour.  They killed time by grabbing a bite to eat and then sat in the waiting room, eagerly anticipating their new bundle of joy.  Thankfully, one of my mother's friends had given her a "Going Home Outfit" that she put on the baby and after taking some pictures, they drove home.

 

A sign had been erected in front of the house, hurriedly put up by the neighborhood.

 

"Welcome home Baby W....... #2".  That's how it all began.

 

I spent the bulk of that first day laying in the middle of my parent's bed while they put up the crib.  For the first two weeks, I didn't have a name...ironically enough, they called me Princess.  It makes me sad that I went three weeks without an actual name, but it was par for the course I suppose.

 

Looking back on my narrative, I truly just feel sadness.  I often think about being in a bassinet in the hospital without my natural mother or father, no one to claim me until a stranger came and whisked me off to the waiting arms of two more strangers.  Was I cuddled in the hospital, or left alone unless I cried? 

 

The only thing my parents would say about my parents is that my "birthmother" was a teenager and that she gave me up to have a better life..that she wanted me to have a Mommy and Daddy and God brought you to us to have for our own.  That has never sat well with me. The hypocrisy of their words hits me in the very core of my being.  I always felt gypped out of that "better life" that I was promised.  I had a Mommy who yelled all the time and a Daddy who was a monster.  Nice. 

 

Now that I'm in reunion, I don't tell the story that was forcefed to me about rainbows and sparkles and "Ohhh, isn't it CUTE that you didn't have a name and we called you Princess??".  I simply say, I am adopted and my mother found me after 34 years apart.  I tell about how beautiful of a person she is and how she has become more of a mom to me than the mother I grew up with.  I talk about our reunion story and still get choked up when I describe how incredible our first face to face meeting truly was.

 

In the beginning, once people found out that I was reunited with my natural mom, they would say, "Wow, how does your adoptive mother feel about that?".  I would shy away from the question because it made me angry that they weren't asking me how I felt about it.  But now, I say, well, my childhood wasn't the best and while I respect my adoptive mother's feelings, my reunion isn't ABOUT her.  It's about me.   

 

Most people are very curious about how I was found...and for the most part, are very supportive.  I have run across some that are not as nice and judge me for being ungrateful.  Honestly, I lived too long with negativity and abuse and I usually just stop discussing it because only I know how I feel.

 

 

 

Gimme A Break ~ NaBloPoMo ~ November 6

Writing prompt for today: Taking a Break.

Have you ever taken a break from adoption related things such as blogs, forums, or groups? If so, how did it help you (if at all) and why did you come back? If not, what is the biggest draw for sticking around for long periods of time without a break?

Hello, have we met?  Have you read my blog for the past year?  I am currently the reigning Queen of taking blogging breaks and extended hiatuses.  For awhile, I blamed it on writer’s block.  But really, it was more than that. 

As I mentioned on my blog, my reunion with my natural father has gone belly up.  I have had to resign myself to the fact that the easy reunion I experienced with my mother, siblings and maternal relatives is not how it will be with my father and the two brothers I have been trying to contact.  The rejection I feel is overwhelming at times and causes me extreme anguish.  I mean, I totally get not having a solid internet connection and even not being comfortable on the phone, but he’s had my address since December 24, 2010 and yet, I’m still not worthy of a letter or postcard.  I’m dealing with it, clearly not as well as I’d like, and I will move on from this setback but it is affecting me…emotionally, mentally and yes, physically.

Speaking of physical issues, some of you who are friends with me on FBook have probably seen me talking about my high blood pressure woes.  Last night it got as high as 184 over 126.  One of my friends at work gave me her blood pressure cuff to take home so I can keep an eye on my levels until I go back to the doctor’s next week..but that might have been a bad idea.  I checked it several times last night and could only calm down to sleep once it hit 130/80 after several hours.  I went to the Emergency Room a few weeks ago because I was having chest pains.  All the blood work they did at the hospital came back fine.  The list of things they checked for seemed endless.  It was not a heart attack, was not lung clots, and was not my thyroid.  The ER doctor and my Primary Care doctor think it is stress.  It is definitely outside factors (not the kids or my fiance or home life), work being the biggest problem right now.  I feel so much pressure to perform well and usually just feel like I’m swimming in the deep end of a pool, doing enough to tread water very slowly while barely keeping my head above water.  And the reunion-rejection crap definitely does not help either.  My doctor prescribed anxiety medicine to take in tandem with the blood pressure pills so hopefully that will help.

I’m enjoying being back for November’s posts though.  This blog has always been my safe haven, regardless of some of my more *ahem* colorful readers and comment contributors.  I want to share my life with you all because many of you have been where I am and having your support does help me to keep writing. 

Blogging Around The Cyber Tree ~ NaBloPoMo ~ November 5

Writing prompt for today: Around the Blogosphere.

Do you read blogs of other members of the "adoption triad"? If so, what do you learn from reading those blogs? When you disagree, what's your preferred method of dealing with it (such as leaving a comment, writing a blog post about it, or ignoring it)?



I absolutely read blogs of other members of the triad.  Lately, I've been sticking to natural mom blogs because I just get mad when I read most of the PAP and AP blogs.  Having just been diagnosed with ridiculously high blood pressure, I figure for now, they are too hazardous to my health. 

When I was reading the PAP and AP blogs and disagreeing (most of the time) with what they have written, I tended to write scathing rebuttals on my blog about what they were saying. I have shied away from commenting on their blogs because it just turns into a "Don't you have anything better to do than to rain on my parade?  I'll pray for you.".  I try with all my might to ignore them, but sometimes the crap being spewed is just too much to keep quiet about and blog posts are born.

Are You My Father? ~ NaBloPoMo ~ November 4

It's been awhile since I've posted on Lost Daughters, and I'm so glad I'm jumping back into it during November.  Reading so many heartfelt and thought provoking posts by amazing women is doing wonders for my soul.

My biggest problem with blogging lately is that my creative juices seem to have dried up.  That's why it's so helpful to have the prompts provided for us so I don't have to tax my brain too hard.

Writing prompt for today: The Natural Father

According to biology, it takes two to make a baby. However, when it comes to adoption often the natural father seems to be left out of the conversation more often than not. Do you feel that’s a valid statement? Were your natural parents treated as equals in your adoptive household? As a child, did you wonder about your natural father? Were you given any details about him? How did that make you feel? What is your view on natural fathers’ rights?

"Your birthmother was sixteen or eighteen and gave you up for adoption."

That was all I was told by my adoptive parents. Period. End of story. My father was never mentioned. I assumed my natural father was a teenager too, but had no idea whether he knew about me or what the back story of my existence truly was.

For what it's worth, I never really thought about him much until my natural mom found me. It was then that I realized I had other family members beyond my maternal side and I began to wonder about this man who was an integral part of my life's puzzle. As a child, when I imagined being rescued from the abuse, I pictured a woman showing up at the door..my mother...coming to take me home. I never pictured a man with her. And to be honest, I was afraid of men as a child.

My natural mom found him on Facebook in December 2010. After writing him for several weeks, I truly felt like one more tree had been added to my family orchard. He had the same sarcastic wit that I share with my natural mom and family. I finally figured out where I got my vertically challenged-ness (my maternal brother and sister are 6'4" and 5'9", respectively) and once again, I could see myself in another's face. Powerful..awe inspiring..and sadly, fleeting.

I had a father again...and then, it fell apart. The emails dwindled down to nothing and aside from one phone call on Easter, I never talked to him or met him face to face. It was over. Just like that. But I don't regret finding him. I just regret putting so much of my heart into it so quickly. My reunion with my mom and my maternal family was so easy and comfortable that I just assumed it would be the same way with my father. After months of radio silence, I've come to realize that I can't make him want to be in my life. He has the right to back off, and I have the right to take care of my heart. I'm now working on contacting my two brothers and while they haven't written me back yet, I'm being cautious but hopeful at the same time.

I do agree that natural fathers are left out of the conversation for the most part. I'm sure many of us have read blogs written by potential adoptive couples lamenting the hoops they have to jump through if the natural father does try to contest the adoption. Fathers should have just as many rights as mothers but they are often kept out of the loop until it's too late. Just take a look at this blog and realize that this is a man who wants his son back and is fighting to get his son back but is being met with seemingly insurmountable odds.

Natural Fathers' Rights shouldn't be a question, just like Natural Mothers' Rights and Adoptee' Rights shouldn't be a question. Keeping families intact should absolutely be the goal, not the exception.

I've had to challenge myself on this very topic when it comes to my son and my ex, his father. When my son was an infant, his father left the state. For over two years, there was no contact from him and I had moved on with my now fiance. He became the father figure in my son's life that had been lacking. My ex came back with a new wife and daughter in tow and after mediation through the court, we settled on easing them into visitation slowly, building a relationship with the son he'd left. He has that right. I will never take the father/son connections away from either one of them, especially since the fathers in my life have let me down in different and yet equally painful ways.

This Blog Was Made For Talking ~ NaBloPoMo ~ November 3

Writing prompt for today: Blogging Adoption and Everyday Life.

How is blogging about adoption different from blogging about other topics? Do you maintain an non-adoption blog on top of adoption blogging? If so, how do they differ?

Adoption isn't funny.  I mean, we can crack jokes about those silly PAP blogs but under the surface is sadness and pain.  I write about really raw situations that I lived through as a child and as an adult and I am incredibly drained after I share those memories.

For awhile I did have a non-adoption blog on which I COULD be funny...and I miss it.  The problem became that I couldn't quite get away from bringing my adoption stuff onto that site though and I needed to stop.  I think I'm in a better place emotionally now though so I might resurrect that blog and see where it goes. 

I also don't want to turn into a "Mommy Blogger".  I've read enough of those to realize that I want to be shot if I become as pretentious as some of them.  Plus, I'm just not the domestic goddesses those bloggers are.  I don't cook (thank goodness for Steven) and my crafting skills are limited to creating crocheted afghans, scarves, hats and purses...not whipping up homemade decorations that would make my house look like Martha Stewart vomited in it.

Definitely something to think about though.

My adoption blog is my third baby.  I've "adopted" (lol) this online blogging personality that I love.  I may blog about tough things, but I'm strong here.  Stronger than I am in my real life.  I've made friendships online and cherish all my adoptee and natural mom contacts more than mere words could express. 

For me, blogging about adoption is a passion.  Oh, I'm passionate about my love for my family and friends, but in a markedly different way.  I have always been a chameleon with my thoughts.  I take on the majority's choices like they are my own.  I never wanted to cause waves or become the center of anyone's attention.  But when I began blogging about adoption and my reunions, that changed.  I can disagree here..cloaked under a certain amount of anonymity.  I love that.

 

Professionally Speaking ~ NaBloPoMo ~ November 2

Writing prompt for today: You, the Personal, & the Professional.

We talk a lot about our personal lives but many of us also have professional lives. Let's assume that our personal and professional lives cross at some point (for some people this happens more than others). Has adoption also affected your professional life? If so, how?

Up until my reunion with my natural mom, the topic of adoption never really came up.  Oh, sometimes I'd mention it if it somehow came up in conversation and would inevitably get the "Oh, that's so cool!" comments.  And because I was so firmly ensconced in the fog, I'd smile and agree.  After all, I was chosen..I was special!

Gag.

After I was found and realized that it was okay to express my displeasure and confusion over being adopted, my tune changed..especially after I started sharing some of my reunion with my friends and coworkers at my job.  After my first face to face with my mother and sister, I emailed some of the pictures to the people who asked to see them the next day at work. 

Check out this picture:

That's my sister in the pink and me in the black sweater

So, after I sent the pictures to my coworkers, one of them emailed me.  Except, she wasn't trying to email me, she was trying to send a message to one of my other friends.  She said, "Is it just me, or does Christina look miserable in the pictures?". 

Yeah, I think my feet didn't even hit the floor before I made it over to her cube to confront her.  She backpedaled and tried to say that she was just concerned for me.  That she was old school and that mothers just don't give up their children and then come back into their lives years later.

Well, you obnoxious cow, my mother did come back. 

I learned quickly to only share my story with those who asked about it.  Just because I knew that it was a wonderful thing, didn't mean that everyone would "get it".  It was enough that I did. 

Kicking Things Off ~ NaBloPoMo ~ November 1

 

As I said yesterday, I'm going to fight through the writer's block I've been experiencing for a long time to blog this month...every day. By the time November's over, you're all going to be hoping for me to go trotting off on another hiatus..haha.

National Adoption Awareness Month...what's it actually for?

Against my better judgment, I turned to Google. ::thud::

I found this site.

What I find most disturbing is the picture of the smiling expectant woman next to a picture of a judge with an adoptive couple and a baby.

Seriously? To portray a woman, ready to pop from the looks of it, smiling and happy and ready to give her child to the highest bidder is just horrible. It hurts my soul.

November to me is the big ramp up to Thanksgiving. I give thanks every day for my family and friends. It would never enter my mind to give thanks for adoption. At its very core, adoption is based on loss. The loss of one's identity...the loss of one's natural parents and heritage. It's not a cause to be celebrated...unless of course, you're the adoptive parents who get the child of a happy, smiling woman.

Tomorrow I will jump into the prompts that were provided over on the Lost Daughters site.

An Open Letter To "POWERDAD"

To POWERDAD,

First of all, for someone who is in college, you have really bad spelling and grammar.

I had to stop myself from lunging at the screen with the repeated misuse of “they’re” and “your”, not to mention the spelling errors.  But I digress.

You rant and rave about women you’ve come across on posts and forums who are asked to tell “her story”.

That’s right, it’s “her story”, not YOUR story. 

From the sounds of it, your adopted childrens’ mother was not in a good place when they were taken from her.  And I don’t think you will find many people out there (adoptees/natural mothers) who would say, “Who cares if she was a drug addict and neglected the kids, they should stay with her!”.  If that’s what you think, then you clearly aren’t paying attention.

Who are you to say, however, that the stories you read on the blogs/forums WEREN’T the truth for those women that you so nonchalantly label as “Pathetic”?  You think that investigating into the stories you have read would all reach the same conclusion of the women being “complete fuck ups”.  That's just sad.  We all live our truths.  We all have to bear the burden of what life has offered us individually.  

The probable reason for you being upset that your “dissenting opinion” wasn’t allowed through was because you may have come off as disrespectful and not thinking about the fact that you were writing about real people. 

Real mothers who have real stories.

Have a little compassion.

Sincerely,

Christina

An adoptee who has HER own story as well

Stings Like A Bee

I am in a book club.  My friend L, the sister of my high school chum that died in a car accident a year ago, enticed me to join this past winter.  I adore reading and while I was a bit hesitant at first...cue the stupid adoption-brain (will they like me or will I be an outsider?)...I actually am forming bonds with these women. 

On a side note, it might just be me but I'm always surprised when people remember my name when I've only seen them a few times.  I pride myself on remembering names very easily but again, it makes me happy when others do the same with me.  And the women in the book club know my name.

So, back to book club.  L knows most of my history now.  We've had long, indepth conversations about my life and hers.  I've made my opinions pretty clear on where I stand on the adoption issue. 

During our "meeting"  (really, we talk about the book for about fifteen minutes and then drink wine and eat the rest of the time..lol), L was talking about her friend's son.  He's apparently a terror...and L doesn't like to have him play with her daughter because he's so rough.  He slammed Em's hand in a door on their last playdate, on purpose, and L said "If that was my kid, I'd give him up for adoption!"

I couldn't help myself...

"That's not funny L", I blurted out angrily.

**crickets**

Then she said, "I'm sorry Christina...I really didn't mean it the way that sounded."

The rest of the women stared at me until I explained, "I'm adopted". 

I know for a fact that L didn't mean it to come out the way she said it...she's the kindest person I know and is now one of my closest friends.  But it still stings. 

Adoption Blog Hop

Take a look at this Adoption Blog Hop that Sharla has put together.  I just added my link...of course, I'm late as usual.  I really appreciate the fact that this is not a contest, per se.  Instead, it's a chance for the adoptees/original parents/adoptive parents to peruse different blogs without the pressure of clicking the "Vote" button. 

I urge everyone to read as many blogs as you can from each side of the "triad" and mull over the ones that challenge you to think in a different way.  I'm looking forward to this.

Oh, and on a totally off the subject note...I FOUND MY WEDDING DRESS TODAY.

Phew.  That is all.

But Drivel Like THIS Makes The Cut?

When I was eight years old or so, Cabbage Patch kids were huge.  We’re talking, lines out the door to get those dolls with the “authentic” adoption certificate.  The only thing that separated the dolls from actual adopted babies was that they came with their “birth” names. 

Mine was Sophia Charlotte.

The thought of Cabbage Patch kids now makes me cringe.  But back then, it comforted me to hug Sophia at night because she was adopted too…and I had to take care of her and save her from the mean adoptive mother and father who shared the house with us.

Adoption isn’t something to be joked about.  Especially when you are the one who is being entrusted to care for a child.

Please, for the love of all that is good and shiny in the world, DON’T COMPARE YOUR ADOPTED CHILD TO CABBAGE PATCH KID DOLLS.

Who am I addressing in this post?

Why, it’s one of the blogs that hasn’t been disqualified from the Circle of Moms fiasco, of course…

The link will take you to the post that I’m fired up about.  Check out the last paragraph and tell me whether that sounds supportive or positive to you.

Go ahead.  I’ll wait.

What’s that you say?  You couldn’t even get past the first sentence?  Well, here, let me help you out.

I’ve posted about this blog before.   Disliked it then…dislike it even more now.

"However, they may be justified in confusing his doll like status because with these glasses on I think he could totally pass for a Cabbage Patch Kid.  Man, wouldn't adoption be so much easier if we could just tell our kids that they sprouted from a cabbage patch?  Or even explaining child birth?  That's it.  I've just made the executive decision.  I'm erasing all prior history and until I decide otherwise, it is now official that ALL of my children came from the cabbage patch. And on that note, I've also decided that I must now go and teach my children how to dance the cabbage patch because it's a critical life skill- like math or brushing your teeth or removing rodents from your hair." ~ Megan

A million times more, in fact.