Humbled

It's been a few months since I've blogged.  I had the best intentions to keep going through November, using the prompts at Lost Daughters to light my creative spark.  Alas, I didn't do that.  I stopped writing and I couldn't bring myself to come back to say, "Hey, sorry for ANOTHER long hiatus".

I came to a crossroads.  I began to think that maybe it was time to retire this blog and figure out something else to do.  I mean, I have a huge basket of yarn that I should be using to crochet...I have a Kindle Fire that is loaded with books that I am itching to read.  I have a ton of excuses. 

But then, something happened yesterday that changed my mind about packing up and getting the hell outta Dodge.

I received an email...from a stranger.  A stranger who seemed to know just what I needed to hear at just the right moment.

He had read the open letter written by an online friend and fellow adoptee...and it had moved him enough to write me.  Neither as an adopter..nor as an adoptee...but as a human being.  Truthfully, he'd thought I'd written the letter...which I was truly humbled by as I feel like I don't express myself nearly as well as my friend did.  But then he sent a second email, telling me that he realized after the fact that I hadn't written it but wanted to thank me anyway for my openness on my blog.

I responded...and thanked him for helping to renew my faith in humanity and my blog and the work that I want to do here. 

He let me know that he wants to share my blog with members of his church who have adopted children and who are thinking of adopting so they can get a clearer picture of what the other side of adoption looks like.

I was touched by his candor and his willingness to open himself up to me and I can only pray that I can do the same from now on.

Thank you newfound friend...from the bottom of my heart.  Thank you.

Connections ~ NaBloPoMo ~ November 17

Writing prompt for today: Adoptee connections

Did you know many adoptees growing up? Do you know more now? How have adoptee friendships (online or in-real-life) impacted your experience? How do you generally make adoptee connections?







The short answer is no.  I didn't know many adoptees growing up.  I think that the first adoptee I knew was in college...my friend Gretchen.  She was Korean and had grown up with a Scandinavian couple in New Hampshire with three other Korean adoptive siblings. She seemed comfortable with her life and I did envy her the love that her parents showed her when they came to visit her. 

One of my best friends is an adoptee.  She's content with her adoptive family and has told me that she has no desire to find her mother since there was clearly a reason that she gave her up.  Her life was different than mine...no abuse, loving parents, amazing extended family...so I guess I can't fault her for her feelings. 

The bulk of my adoptee friendships now are of the online variety.  Less than a month after I was reunited with my natural mother, I found the AAAFC forums and it was there that I found some of the greatest people I'd ever encountered.  They gently helped me out of the fog and encouraged me to explore my feelings towards and about adoption and being adopted.  Through that forum, I found myself and while I hate the word, I am "grateful" for each and every friend I made there.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Dads

Dear Adoptive Father,

You ruined me.  I was an innocent child and you completely and utterly ruined my childhood.  Many times I’d cry myself to sleep, trying to figure out how you could be so loving one minute and such a fucking monster the next.  Did you think it was funny to lay down on the floor in front of the bathroom when I was using it, wiggling your fingers under the door pretending like you were going to come in?  Yeah, not funny.  My screaming for you to stop only made you antagonize me further and I’d hear you laughing as you walked away.  To this day, I have to lock the door to the bathroom and turn on the overhead fan, even when I’m home alone, to drown out the memories and the screams of a little girl.

Many a Saturday morning I’d be watching cartoons while Mom and C (asister) went out shopping and you’d come in the den, stand in front of me while facing the television and pull down your pants, shaking your ass in my face.  Again the screams for you to leave me alone…again the laughter. 

Then there were the times you’d flip the switch and get angry.  You’d turn into a monster and scream at me like Mom always did…calling me a piece of shit on more than one occasion.  Telling me to stop eating because I was getting fat.  Is it any wonder I ended up with an eating disorder? 

Then there are the memories that are still hidden.  Those nights that I’ve flashbacked to…but only just far enough to know that things had gone horribly wrong on some level and I truly wasn’t innocent any longer.

I have tried to find forgiveness in my heart for you, but all I feel is…nothing.

Dear Natural Father,

It’s been almost a year since we were reunited.  The day I got a response to my letter to you was amazing.  I totally believed you when you said that you couldn’t wait to share your life and family with me.  Why would I have thought any different?  After all, my reunion with C (natural mom) and her side of my family tree had gone swimmingly and I felt completely accepted and loved by each and everyone I’d met.  You’d think I would have learned by now not to trust anyone.  Shame on me.

I sent you a Father’s Day card.  You responded that it was the best Father’s Day card ever.  I think I had hoped that you would have realized that Father’s Day was also my birthday but was willing to let that slide.  I knew you were busy taking care of your wife’s grandson because his mom was going through a hard time and I didn’t want to come off sounding bitchy, but really, I was/am hurt.  I just want to be accepted. 

Fast forward through June and July and C happened to ask me how things were going between us.  I made excuses for you, saying that you were really busy and couldn’t really talk.  In actuality, I had no idea what was going on, just that you had stopped writing.  I dropped you a message on July 27, C dropped you a message a few days later and I finally got a response on August 1.  Telling me that nothing was wrong, the dead air between us had nothing to do with me.

What the hell am I supposed to think now?  It’s been four and a half months now with no correspondence whatsoever.  I guess I was hoping you’d at least have the balls to tell me that it was too much for you, that you’d rather not have a relationship with me, now or ever.

The revengeful, bitter adoptee part of me is seriously considering closing the FB account I started specifically so we could be in touch because I’m so fucking angry. 

The scared, rejected adoptee part of me is worried you wouldn’t notice.

Somebody Slap Me...Hard

Sigh. I commented on a blog this morning. I know..I know…BAD CHRISTINA. The problem is, immediately afterwards the blog went private so I can't recall my exact words..but I did get notification that the author of the blog had commented back..with this little gem:

jewinthesun said on The Anti-Adoption Movement


January 22, 2010 at 3:54 am


How dare you assume that I may abuse my daughter? although you had a terrible parenting experience, I’m sure my daughter is better off with us than her cocaine addled father and unemployed teenage mother. What I have found as an adoptee and adoptive parent, is that those adoptees that didn’t grow up in the most wonderful of homes and don’t know their birth parents have romanticized knowing their birth parents in their heads. The truth is, they didn’t feel they could raise you. Its a sense of loss, but one you have to cope with and get over.

In response to this, since I can't comment back on the blog (and because I don't think I linked to this blog when I did comment there), I'm going to respond and just keep checking back with her to see if she's gone un-private.

To jewinthesun:


First of all, I never assumed you might abuse your daughter. Where the heck you got that out of my comment, I have no idea. My point was never that your adopted child would be better off with her natural parents…simply that she will experience loss..it's just a fact. If you as an adoptee have not experienced that loss, then I am truly happy for you…but that's not the norm for most of us. I also said that you shouldn't dismiss anti-adoption blogs because one day, your child might just be one of the authors of one of them…you should read as many of them as you can so that you are better prepared for the day when your child becomes an adult and may start to question her beginnings.

Anything But Normal...

Wow, I'm honored to be listed among bloggers that I look to for inspiration and support.

I have a hard time reading the other articles on the site dealing with adoption, but I'm really glad that adoptees' voices are being heard.

To be completely honest, I've been trying to avoid the painful parts of being adopted. Of being an adult adoptee. Frankly, I don't understand why anyone (except other adoptees) would care about my feelings…often, when I do end up reading AP's blogs, I feel stifled. Claustrophic even. Why CAN'T I just be grateful…grateful for not having been aborted..grateful to a God that thought I'd be the perfect gift to a couple who thought they needed two kids to make them happy…grateful that I had a roof over my head and a "normal" family? Because my life was anything but normal. I grew up hating myself..hating the way I was different from everyone in my adoptive family…hating the fact that my cousins were beautiful and had all the right clothes and the right boyfriends/girlfriends and parents that actually cared about them. I wasn't loved…I was tolerated. And sometimes, I didn't even feel tolerated. I felt like a disgusting piece of garbage most days.

Some days, I still do.

"Unfortunately, there is no rewind button on the VCR of life..."

I broke my New Year's resolution already. I found myself at a foster/adoptive parent's blog and my heart is broken. Broken for the young girl that is growing up in a house with two women who jump for joy when she's gone. I commented…calmly in fact…but in reality, I'm disgusted by the utter disregard they feel for this child. A child that one of the women says that they probably wouldn't have adopted had they known then what they know now.

OMG. So, I commented. And a few other adoptee warriors did as well. And instead of listening to what we had to say, she brushed us off with a blog post..telling us all that perhaps adult adoptees shouldn't read her blog.

Too late FosterAbba…too late. I've read…and I've cried for the girl that you are so eagerly spewing your hateful words about because you need a place to vent.

As I said, I grew up knowing that my amom often wanted to send me back..and it destroyed my soul and my heart. That's exactly what you are doing to your daughter. I'm sorry that you live in a state that won't let you "bring her back". I'm sorry your partner works in the Child Welfare system and that even if you could abandon her somewhere, it would be frowned upon by her profession.

Your daughter deserves better. Shame on you.