Weighty Issues

My head is like a bowl of mush.  I've been feeling like I can't form a complete sentence without sounding like an imbecile so I've been avoiding this blog.  Possibly it's because I skipped therapy last week and even though I thought I was okay with that, my anxiety and depression levels have risen substantially in recent days and I seriously think I'm losing it.

Truthfully, this post might make me sound shallow..but it's my blog so if you don't like, screw (lol).  I hate the way I look.  I've gained a good 50 pounds and when you are only 5'3", that weight adds up quickly on small bones.  I don't look in mirrors if I can help it...and believe me, that takes a great deal of finagling when there's a full length mirror in the bathroom across from the shower.  I hate getting pictures taken of myself...unless they are from the neck up only.  I'll hide behind people so nothing shows except my face..and again, that takes finagling because they always put the short ones in the front. 

Last week, we had a retirement party for one of our colleagues..and the office busybody was bustling around taking pictures of each table.  I tried to hide..I really did..but it didn't work.  And the next day when she passed out our copies of the pictures, I could have sunk down into the floor and sobbed.  I feel really gross.  Seeing myself hammered home the fact that I am not healthy.  And it hurts like crazy.

At my last therapy session two weeks ago, I'd told my therapist that I really want to start doing things to make me happy.  That I need to start taking better care of myself emotionally and physically.  So tonight, she asked me what I've done to fulfill that wish.

I came up with one thing.  Only one thing out of fourteen days.  I took off to the beach for the day with Chase, my natural sister and our mom.  And that day was magical...aside from the frigging bathing suit business.  We dug in the sand and made sand castles...jumped in the waves and laughed as the water splashed us.  Watched a guy on a surfboard being pulled along behind a kite.  Was awesome.

But when she said, "And what else?" I had to admit, I had nothing.

I've decided that I'm going to pack my sneakers in my car tomorrow and start walking again.  Working my way up to jogging/running.  I need to figure out my life...and if I can get healthy, hopefully that will aid in my healing.  I'm tired of the weight that is wearing me down.  And the thing is, I'm not just talking about my body's physical weight...it's the emotional weight as well. 

On a completely different note, the day before we went to the beach, my amother asked to borrow our shovel so she could go to my grandfather's grave and dig a bed for his flowers.  I knew it was going to be hot out so I told her I'd go help her.  The kids and I picked her up and away we went.  Three-quarters of the way there she said, "Hey, do you mind if we go to your dad's grave so we can water his flowers?".

::thud::

My heart started racing, and I began to panic. 

"Sure.  That's fine."  I heard myself say.

While on the inside, I was shouting...You frigging idiot..what are you doing???? 

We got to the cemetery and were digging around Bumpa's stone...planting more flowers, watering the existing ones..while the kids danced merrily around my jeep.

After several minutes I mustered up my courage.

"Hey Mom...I don't mind driving to dad's cemetery, but I'm going to just sit in the car and the kids can help you water, okay?"  I kept my head down and kept digging.

I can't honestly remember what she said..probably something like "Are you alright?  We don't have to go...".

"No, we can go..it's just that I'm just finally realizing that I haven't been honest about some of my feelings..and I'm just trying to honor my truths...".

"Well, if you are sure...the kids can help me water the flowers and you can pull the car up past the stone.  I appreciate you being able to share that you're uncomfortable..".

And so, that's what I did.  The panic eased...and afterwards, I felt lighter.  I guess that's another thing I did for myself to make me happy.

Two things.  It's a start.

Desperate Much?

I'm totally excited in a desperate sort of way today. Confused? Yeah, me too.

My nsister, Cate, is on a cruise with her deceased fiance's aunt in the Bahamas. I decided that since my children are away for the week, I'd ask my mother, Christine, if she was busy Saturday night. She's not, and so I invited myself to her apartment that she shares with Cate for an overnight. She sounded super psyched for the visit.

The thing is, I've really never spent a significant amount of time with just Christine. Cate's always around to kind of fill in the weird silences (she talks A LOT)..or my kids are underfoot. I'm kind of nervous and am getting butterflies.

It's not like we *just* reunited…that happened back in July of 2008. We've had plenty of time together, although I'd love to see her more. Cate and Chris have a very easy mother-daughter relationship…and while Chris can drive Cate crazy, the love I see between the two of them inspires me to be a better mom. There is jealousy though. I see the pictures around their apartment of the family that I'm part of, and yet not completely a part of. I see the soft way that Chris speaks of Cate and my brother Greg and wish with all my heart that I'd grown up in that environment.

I know I'll have a good time…we'll have a great visit…but I'll drive away wishing for more.

Whew. (Probably TMI..Lol)

My little girl is growing up…she's going to be entering the double digit state at the end of May and I've started talking to her about the "changes" her little girl body will be going through soon. So scary!!! I started out by having her read "Are You There God? It's Me Margaret" by Judy Blume..which was a nice segway into a long car ride/talk about the book and what it means for her. She was completely mortified..lol. Like in a "Please just turn up the radio Mum…I don't want to talk about it…" sort of mortified way. Poor girl..hahaha.


The thing is, I never had those talks with my amother. I think she just threw a medical book at me and told me to read it. My asister had already been through getting her period and all that stuff four years prior and I'm pretty sure she had just thrown the same book at my sister, hoping that she (and I) wouldn’t have any questions.

A few months ago, I was talking to my natural mom about it…and she said, "For Cate's (my natural sister) tenth birthday, I put together a "Big Girl Basket" and put all sorts of body lotions, deodrants, shaving cream, razors…pads, tampons..etc. etc. in it….". Hearing that really brought home the fact that my upbringing was so different than what it might have been. You just didn't talk about such things in my house…sex was definitely not a topic that was discussed..ever..except in the context of "only sluts have sex before marriage". Funny, by that definition, both my asister and I ended up being sluts in the eyes of our parents in spite of the fear of God we had instilled into our hearts and souls.

The other day, Madelyn wrote me an email before bed (using my computer, right in front of me..lol) and then literally ran into her room to avoid starting a conversation. This is how the email exchange went:


From: xxxxxxx
To: xxxxxxxxxxx@aol.com
Sent: Tue, Mar 23, 2010 9:01 pm
Subject: ummmmm hi

Hey Mum......I love u. How are you.......I uh I don't know
I wanna wear a bra.Please don't discuss it now.........I'm sorry.I don't have to .......bye


OMG. So I calmed myself down (I admit I was laughing really hard)…and replied:


On Tue, Mar 23, 2010 at 9:35 PM, wrote:


Hi Mad...I love you too :) We'll discuss it another day then sweetheart, okay? No worries..we'll know when it's time to go shopping...


Love,
Mum

I was pretty proud of myself for the way I responded…and then the next day, I got this:

From: xxxxxxx >
To: xxxxxxxxxxx@aol.com
Sent: Wed, Mar 24, 2010 7:48 pm
Subject: Re: ummmmm hi


Ummmm......ok.....I really am sorry that it was so sudden.....I just sorta felt like it was time....Love you more than you know

Love Madelyn ps....is it almost time?


So, this weekend, I brought her to the store and we walked in…me striding purposefully towards the girls' section, she following behind me asking what we were getting. I didn't answer her, just kept walking right over to the girls' bras. She said, "Now??? We're doing this now???"…lol…

She picked out some cute sports bra type garments and handed them to me very quickly so she wouldn't be seen carrying them and avoided eye contact with anyone and everyone in the store, including me, until we left.

Turns out three of her friends have gotten them in recent weeks and she wanted to wear one too. My boyfriend chortled in amusement when I told him what we'd gotten…"But Honey, she doesn't NEED one yet…". I said, "That's not the point. She WANTS to wear one..and I'm not going to be like my mother and pretend that such things don’t need special attention." He shut up fairly quickly after that. Smart man.