Leaving Him In The Dust

When I was younger and I was dumped by a boyfriend (or two…or three) or left in the dust by this friend or that friend, I’d wallow in self pity for months.  I’d lose weight rapidly because of the stress and anguish and then get right back up on the proverbial horse and ride off into the sunset of singlehood, always searching for another Prince Charming to sweep me off my feet.

It’s different this time.  Much different.  This breakup is affecting me in ways I haven’t even begun to realize.  Our relationship started off well…long emails of getting to know you’s…learning more about each other’s lives.  Realizing that we loved each other and saying it out loud.

I’m 99.99% positive it’s over now.  While I still love him…it can never be the same.  We’ve come to a crossroads and I’m taking a different path than the one I’d hoped we’d travel together for the rest of our lives.

I’m devastated though.  I’m not going to search for anyone else to share my hopes and dreams with, nor will I continue to pray that he comes around to my way of thinking…I can’t do that to myself.  He deserves to live his life the way he needs to, and it’s become clear that I’m just not part of his grand plan. 

I guess that’s why I’ve been very quiet on my blog lately.  I’ve been avoiding discussing this part of my life because it hurts too much.  I’m keeping myself busy though.  The kids are on the go..getting involved with afterschool activities and having friends over to hang out.  I’m working full time and in my down time I’m making holiday gifts for my friends and family.  Thinking of starting up an Etsy shop soon once I get a good handle on my crochet hook again…several of my friends are on there and have had great success.  Plus, I’ve been dealing with the same old issues related to my ex and his wife.  I tried to be Ms. Nice Mom and ignore the $5,500 in past due child support…tried not to be snarky when I’m told by my ex that he is working and can’t get our son on the day he’s supposed to (if he’s working, I’d love to know where the hell the support is, but whatever..lol)..tried to be as tactful as possible when discussing the cat hair debacle (that went over like a fart in church).  Just a lot on my plate.  So dealing with this “breakup” is taking the back burner because if I sat down and really thought about it, I’d go over the edge.

I’ll miss him…but I keep telling myself it’s for the best.

I’m trying to dig out from this funk…and it’ll help to write about it, especially given the circumstances of this “dumping”.

Poking My Head Back In

The longer this blogging hiatus has gone on for me, the greater my anxiety and depression have been.  You'd think this would have catapaulted me back to writing on a semi-regular basis, but noooooooo...not this girl.  Instead I shied away even more....

So what's been going on in my life?  Errr, that question should probably be, what have I been dwelling on in my life... 

~ Made it through another Quarter End at work...with most of my sanity intact.  I'm struggling to find real purpose in what I do though and that's causing me stress.  I hate my job...but I need my job...and that just makes me hate it even more.

~ Even though Steven hasn't proposed yet, I know it's coming eventually (heard from a reliable source) and it's stressing me out not to know when.

~ My son's father is now almost $6,000 behind in child support and arrears and while I make good money at the-job-that-I-hate, it makes me really sad for Chase.  Not that he knows any of the money aspect of things..not at all...but it's not really about the money...it's about respect and being responsible for a child.  (Sorry Ex'sWife if you're reading this, but it's my blog and I can only hold my tongue for so long before I blow like Mt. Vesuvius.  I'm mad and have been really working on forgiving Son'sFather but it's difficult.  If there's one thing that I hate most in this world, it's apathy.  For heaven's sake, why can't people just give a shit once in awhile? 

~ I finally mustered up the energy to clean our bedroom.   Lol..Steven's side of the room is spotless..and while mine wasn't "dirty", it was definitely not up to par with how I wanted it to look and feel.  I want an oasis for us..a romantic place that we can go chill out in together and sadly it was more utilitarian and functional but not very conducive to connecting.  (Get your minds out of the gutter...I wasn't even talking about you-know..lol...).

~ Still corresponding with my father and his wife.  We are all friends on my third super secret Facebook page, along with my nmother.  It's quite the ragtag group...we've been asking each other questions, like a quiz kind of, to get to know each other.  Some of the questions have been difficult to ask and to answer but we're muddling through.  Haven't told my amother or asister that I've found him...or that we're in such close contact and that's just adding to my anxiety.  I know that I don't technically have to tell them...but I just feel like I should.  Why?  Because I like getting the cold shoulder from my amother.  I thrive on the abuse.

~ Lastly, I'm going to be honest here...I've been really thinking about what PP2.0 said on her blog about me.  And it's made me a bit gun shy.  I was bullied in high school...horribly...and while I want to be able to get my points across, I certainly don't want to stoop to her level of meanness.  I'm trying to figure out how to reinvent my blogging style so I don't come off like a total bitch.

What do you mean, too late????? 

Bear With Me!

Sorry for not updating my beloved blog lately...I have no excuses...but if I did, they would probably include the following:

1.) Easter...It's not easy being the Bunny's personal assistant.

2.) Work...Thank goodness Quarter end is over and I can get back down to the business of slacking off at my desk and blogging more.

3.) Snuggle Boy aka my 7 year old bundle of boy...He's very cuddly, but the situation is not very conducive in that it's difficult having my laptop and his head on my lap at the same time.

4.) Little Miss Acts-Like-She's-Already-A-Crabby-Teenager...No comment.  Ugh.

5.) Stupid allergies...I swear I have sneezed more times in the past two days than I have in my entire 35 years on this earth.

6.) Depression and anxiety...I just am overwhelmed about everything and nothing all at once.

I also owe an answer to an email question that I promised I'd get to...and, to that reader (and new friend), I want you to know that I haven't forgotten you!!