I think I jinxed myself.
The emails slowly dwindled down to nothing...especially after my n-mom went down to Delaware to care for my ailing grandfather. She still writes, calls and texts me almost daily...but P has been MIA. He emailed once to thank me profusely for the Father's Day card I'd sent...but other than that...nothing.
N-mom was back up for a visit last week and asked me how things were going. I was truthful...but also slipped back into my old ways...making excuses for him. "He's probably busy with his wife's grandkids..." and then, in a moment of self-pity, "At least I have you...it doesn't matter whether he wants to have me in my life". Yeah, I'm a liar.
She got upset...like it was somehow her fault that he'd dropped off the face of the earth and I was quick to tell her that no...it ISN'T her fault. Whatever the reason for the silence, it's not either of our faults.
Unbeknownst to me, while she was home, she emailed P...presumably on the guise of wondering how things were going for him and me.
The very next day, there was a message on Facebook from P:
hi doll, it's been too long, I know. I think whenever we get out of routine and my comfort zone I tend to withdraw and become self-absorbed. It hasn't been 'normal' here for almost 2 months, finally though, getting back to routine. I apologize for the dead air. It has nothing to do with you sweety. Anyhow, I'm trying to get back to good. I love you ♥
Still trying to believe that he's not going anywhere and that he's just busy...but something tells me, the tide is changing. I'm not sure whether I'm okay or not with that..which probably means that I haven't allowed myself to think about it too much yet.
I could have written your last paragraph about my son.
ReplyDeleteIt's hell ~ the wondering and the unknown. Trying to not think the worst, yet too scared to hope for the best only to be hurt...
I am hoping for all of the best for you and your dad. Hopefully he just needs this time to figure out how to live life that now includes you in it!
Hoping it all works out for you. Not knowing the why for lack of communication sucks. My father only maintains a relationship with my younger sister and I have no idea why. I spent years thinking I wasn't good enough and finally decided I was wasting energy and it was his loss.
ReplyDeleteMy daughter is in a similar situation with her uncle on her dad's side. She calls her uncle Papa Mike. She has written her dad but doesn't really want contact with him anymore but she wants a relationship with her uncle. Knowing her uncle he is a very good person, honest, trust worthy, all of those things. But he doesn't want to put pressure on her so he lets her initiate all contact. Maybe your dad is similar to Alssa's uncle.
ReplyDeleteHugs... some people really just aren't good at keeping in touch - even though they want to. My birth grandfather does love me very much - I could see as much the first time we met. And in the beginning he called more but he was getting older and things have gone down hill with his health and his wife's (especially hers). I don't consider that excuses. I don't doubt him because when I do hear from him I trust what I feel from him... and it's nothing but love. And now his daughter, my aunt (and my birth mother's half sister) is keeping in touch with me when she can thru letters, emails and facebook. so, take a deep breath and relax. try not to let old worries bother you. give it time and space and maybe it will have a chance to grow?
ReplyDeleteThat hurts my heart. I wish so much my daughter could know who her parents were and what their story is. I think knowing would fill some of the holes that must be in her heart. But, perhaps knowing leaves other holes. That is the thing I always try to keep in mind as I'm parenting my little one. There will never be enough answers because there will always be more questions. Hopefully, being open to those questions and trying hard to help her find the answers will show her how deeply I love her.
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