Thank Goddess It's Friday

I've been MIA from my blog for a few days...the below picture shows why.  My poor boy has a virus and has been battling a fever (was 104 degrees yesterday..!!!) and has needed all of the snuggling and back rubbing that Mummy could offer. 

Now I'm back and am struggling about whether to talk about my therapy session this week.  It was difficult.  To say the least.  And it was very frustrating.  You see, I got to "meet" the part of me that is trying to keep me safe from the trauma...in my mind's eye anyway.  I really feel like I want to talk about 'her' but every time I try and put the words down, something is holding me back. 

Hmmm...maybe tomorrow. 

I'm tired...and 'she's' tired.  After all, she's been keeping me safe for 35 years...she deserves to be a little tired.

A Lot To Think About

Thank you to everyone who commented on my blog today. Really. I couldn't believe how many views I got, and while I certainly didn't get 200 comments to go along with the 200 views (thankfully because I'd probably be responding to them all until 2010), I did learn a little bit more of the give and take between adoptees and AP's.

I appreciate the dialogue...good, bad, indifferent...it made me think. Perhaps my brain is on overload now though because I can't form a complete thought.

Good night.

I Need Silence

Just one hour of silence. I'm so tired and every little sound is ticking me off. Including the sound of my boyfriend's spoon scraping the bottom of his bowl of cereal he's having before bed. I just had to get up and walk out of the room before I exploded.

When I came back after he was done, he asked me what was up and I pulled out the "It's not you..it's me" card and explained about the sound irritating me. Rationally, the sound shouldn't have bothered me as much as it did..just like the sound of him eating popcorn earlier shouldn't have irritated me. But it did. Every sound just seems amplified by one million percent and I just want it to stop.

Or I want to just scream from the sheer stupidity of it all.

Doesn't help that I have to get up at the buttcrack of dawn to drop my son off with my ex either. I'm sleeping horribly...worse than usual...and I know that's just because of everything going on, but it's certainly not helping my mood. It's probably good that the kids are both going to be gone for the holiday weekend..I need an emotional break.

I feel like my skin is crawling..constantly. I don't remember this happening when I was in therapy before. This is different than how I'd feel back then. I'd cry on the ride home and then be okay the next day. Maybe it's because it was only session #1..but I feel like crud today. Desperately angry and sad.

Sheesh.

Today Is A New Day

I'm proud of myself today.  It's been awhile since I've been able to say that.  I made an appointment with a therapist and am going on Thursday.  And...just now...I told my boyfriend why I feel the need to go to counseling.  That took a lot of courage because for a long time I couldn't tell him about my father..had even regaled my dad's "good" qualities and ignored the shit.  No more. 

He's worried about me...and wanted me to know that he fully supports me in whatever I need to do.  And that he understands if I can't talk to him about it yet..but that he's always here for me to talk to as well.  I warned him that when I get home on Thursday after my appointment, I'll probably be exhausted...and extremely emotional.  He knows..he gets it..and he loves me.