38 Candles Tomorrow

Yeah...hi.  I freaking hate it when I avoid this blogging bit for so long because I come back, start writing and then just verbally vomit for awhile to get myself back in the groove.

Here's an update on my life.

Steven's grandfather passed away a week ago last Thursday.  The funeral was Friday.  It brought all sorts of long buried emotions to the surface and often, I'd find myself crying right alongside Steven as he had his moments of grief.  He hadn't suffered the death of a relative since he was 16 and he's almost 41 so you do the math. 

Me?  I have lost my adoptive father, my adoptive grandfather, my natural grandfather, my sister's fiance, two of my friends' babies, my high school friend..and that's just in the past ten years.

 

When we realized that Papa was most likely not going to make a November wedding, Steven and I talked about moving up the date.  But then, a few days later, Steven went and visited Papa and told me that Papa was too weak to leave the house.  Crushed.

But we are still thinking of moving up the date.  Making it a more simpler, intimate affair with close family members and friends.  Then we'll throw a big party next year when we can plan better and renew our vows too for those guests who weren't at the first one. 

My head is swimming.  The kids are out of school tomorrow, which is also my birthday.

Image found HERE

I'm so not in the partying mood.  But I did get to see my original mom and sister this weekend.  It'd been since January and I needed them to boost my spirits which are pretty low right now, to be honest.  We're going out to eat tomorrow night to "celebrate my special day".  Ugh.  I don't mind the cards from Steven and the kids but I know my adoptive mother will give me a mushy card with "I'm so glad I'M your mother" bullshit..and some crappy ass piece of jewelry she bought on QVC at 3 in the morning. 

I sound incredibly ungrateful and maybe I am.

And maybe that's okay.

Time Flies

My son turned nine last night..at 10:03pm.  Unfortunately, it's his weekend at his father's so I had to just sing Happy Birthday to him in my head but I've been reminiscing and thinking about him the past two days.
How did the little baby that I rocked and cuddled with as a baby become such a grown up little man so fast?

Here he is at his first birthday..

And here is my little man singing at the Holiday Concert at the middle school this year..

He was only the second person in my life that I was able to see myself in until I was found by my natural mom.  Truly magical.  I'm so looking forward to finding out what kind of adult he is going to become someday.





Highs And Lows

Today is my birthday.  My adoptive mother woke me up at 7:00am to wish me a happy birthday.  It was nice but I probably would have appreciated it more two hours later..lol.

And then I got a text message from my natural mom.  She's far away in Delaware with my grandfather and it's hard to not be able to take off for the day to go see her.

This was the message:

I can't believe I'm so far away again on your birthday...
hoped this would never happen again. :(
I love you like crazy and miss you like crazy!!
I hope you have a wonderful birthday my dear firstborn...
sat in bed this morning and re-lived the day you were born.
(We spent the day at the beach...you didn't tan that day either).
As soon as I get home...a weekend is in order!!!
You are everything a mother could ask for and I'm blessed to have
you in my family, life and world.
Have a perfect day my perfect daughter!
Happy Birthday!
XOXO

Thankfully Steven and Maddie were still sleeping so they didn't watch me fall apart on the couch after reading the text.  I sobbed and sobbed...feeling cheated out of so many years of having a mother.

And from my natural father?  Nothing.  Not a word on Facebook.  I know that he and his wife have her four year old grandson spending time with them right now but I had kind of psyched myself up for a call or an email.  But, nothing.  I mailed the Father's Day card I'd bought last Thursday so he'll probably get it within a few days.  I'm wondering if he'll even realize it was my birthday.

My favorite part of the day had to be watching Steven open his Father's Day gift from me and the kids.  I got him a set of golf clubs...now he can actually play with the big boys instead of being a pro on Wii Golf.  Technically, he's not a father...but to my daughter, he's a loving stepfather and to my son, he's his "other" dad.  He's all that a father should be...and deserves all the recognition that Father's Day affords.

Thank you all for the birthday wishes here on my blog and on Facebook.  I love you all for making my day special.



The Day-That-Must-Not-Be-Named

It's been almost eight years since my adoptive abuser died.  Dead of a massive heart attack at the age of 68.  In the years leading up to his death, we would "celebrate" Father's Day at my sister and brother-in-law's house...giving gifts to a man for whom I'd lost all respect.  I never gave him mushy cards...instead I gave humorous cards...and just signed my name.  I felt like a fake.  But I had to grin and bear it..because it was expected.  And I never went against the grain...never rocked the boat.

This year...oh, this year...it's even more complicated.  I have a father again.  And it's weird. 

I just went out to the store a little bit ago and bought a card for him.  Except I froze in the aisle.  Much the way I freeze picking out a Mother's Day card for my n-mom. 

"Happy Father's Day, Dad"

"I love you Daddy"

"You were the best dad while I was growing up..."

Ummmmm...fuck.

I ended up turning my back on those cards...feeling incredibly awkward.  I picked out one of those sappy generic cards with a ton of writing on them. 

Because I trust you all, I'm going to quote the card...it was written by Cheryl Hawkinson.

I wish you were within hugging distance.
I wish you were right here face to face,
and that we were laughing and talking
about anything and everything
that comes into our heads.
I know there are many ways
to keep in touch these days,
and I am thankful for all of them,
but what I wouldn't give
to have you
in the same room as me.

But I can still imagine it, of course,
and that's what I'm doing right now.
I'm smiling to think about
how much you mean to me,
how lucky I am
to have you in my life...
and I'm hugging you in my heart.

Are you all vomiting from the sappiness yet?  What do you think?

I'm focusing on this more than I probably should...but it's keeping me from thinking about the fact that Father's Day is also the day I entered the world almost *gulp* 29 plus 8 years ago...the day I became lost.

Time To Change My Age In My Profile

::giggle::  Sorry guys, couldn't resist.

Had a great day today.  Dropped off Chase with his father...he was sad that he was going to be gone today but my ex and I share the same birthday and this was his scheduled weekend..not to mention the fact that it's Father's Day tomorrow.  Told him we'd celebrate on Monday when he gets home so he was okay.

Went and got my nails done..my one and only guilty pleasure..and then did a little shopping at Old Navy (okay, so the nails thing is ONE of my guilty pleasures..lol).  Spent the afternoon putting together my nmom's birthday present.  I'm giving her a photo album with a bunch of my baby pictures since she never got to take any of me. 

The only hiccup came when the guy at the photo place asked me why I was taking a trip down memory lane with all the pictures and I told him the truth.  He said, "Wow, that's really creepy that she found you on the internet..aren't you pissed at her?  I mean, if you grew up with a great family, isn't she intruding on that?"  I looked him square in the eyes and said, "See, I DIDN'T grow up in a great family.  And regardless of whether I did or didn't, she's my mother."  I paid for the pictures and hightailed it out of there before I kicked him in the nuts said something unkind. 

Met my afamily for dinner..opened presents and Steven, Maddie and I headed out for a ride.  I was driving and he told me to head to one of the shopping plazas in the area.  Ended up at Best Buy, where he proceeded to help me pick out my present from him.  A new camcorder!  I've been wanting one for awhile.  It's difficult to videotape Maddie's concerts in one minute increments on my digital camera so this will be great for that!

Tomorrow I'm packing up Madelyn and we're heading out to Gloucester for the Pirate Faire (my n-uncle's picture is the top one on the right in the link).  My n-uncle is one of the actors performing during the day and since Chase got to go last year, it's my girl's turn this year.  We'll meet up with my Chriss, Cate and some of their friends...just have to remember to pack the sunscreen. Lol..I'm still peeling from the sunburn I got three weeks ago at the beach. 

Sorry for all the babbling...hope everyone's having a great weekend!

Gentleness, Emails and Snickers

Hmmm…work or blog..work or blog…I know, BLOG!


I'm going to say this gently for all of my readers..because you should know by now that I love you all dearly. You're like an extended family…lol..that makes THREE families under my belt ;)

I know the comments within my last couple of posts got really heated..and at times, personal. I'm all for freedom of speech and freedom of expression..but not at the expense of someone's identity. I don't agree with Mongoose..except VERY rarely..I think she'd concur on that point. But as a child, having been mocked relentlessly about my weight, my glasses, my clothes, my hair, my everything, I know how painful that can be to hear.

I spent the bulk of my childhood "losing" my voice because I didn't want to be seen..I don't want that to happen to anyone else. Least of all, my beloved readers..regardless of whether we agree on certain points or not.

Express yourselves…comment to your heart's content…but can we ease up on the personal bits? Please? For me?

Moving on…

Saturday is the day. The big 3-6. I don't say that to get a ton of birthday wishes…just stating that it's coming up..fast and furious. Last week I noticed that my amother was being a bit cold to me on the phone and then just went MIA. Friday, she took Madelyn for her weekly sleepover night at Grammy's and I was able to find out what got her panties in a bunch on Saturday.

Here's the conversation:


Her: So, did you get my email? (said in a terse voice)


Me: No, what email? (genuinely confused)


Her: I sent you an email and you didn't respond.


Me: Which email address did you send it too?


Her: I don't know, whichever one you gave me! (agitated)


Me: My work one, my Gmail one or my AOL one? (annoyed but trying not to show it)


Her: It wasn't your work one..and I don't know what Gmail is (Maddie giggled at this point and I had to give her "The Look"), so it was probably AOL.


Me: That's the email address that I've told you I never check anymore.


Her: Oh! (brightening up considerably) I thought you were just ignoring me!  Well, I was just writing to find out what you wanted for your birthday. 


Me:


Madelyn: (snicker)

Remembering Love

My birthday is in 29 days. I'll be 29 for the *ahem* seventh time. When I was a child, birthdays always brought sadness. Oh, I'd play the game…I'd laugh and smile when everyone sang "Happy Birthday", when really, I just wanted to run away, hating to be the center of attention. I remember every year after the party had ended, laying on my bed, looking out at the moon, wondering if "she" was thinking of me. Did she remember being pregnant with me and then leaving me at the hospital?

I got my answer last year. Here is the email that I received while sitting at work…

Good morning!

and yes I remember what day it is. :)


For 35 years I have wished many heartfelt wishes. I've wondered if you were excited, what your cake looked like, even if you were bummed when it fell on a school day, Personally, I hated the fact that I usually got summer clothes for mine. LOL ANYWAY......I didn't want to just be a "comment" on your Facebook when I finally get to say to you.....not telepathically as I have for years.....Happy Birthday Sweetheart. You have been loved and thought of for every day of your 35 years. I have to admit that all of my worrying for years was for naught....you are an amazing woman. A great mom, sister, friend, and especially...daughter. I won't claim credit for any of that...but to be a part of your life today makes me happy and full beyond belief.


so...Have a great day, enjoy every second, and know that you are very loved and always have been.


this is where I sing to you in my head, usually...but today I'll sing loud.


I love you.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxox
love, Chriss

I felt more loved in the immediate moments after reading that message than I ever felt before. It was amazing, and I cried on and off all day over it.  (As did my friends and coworkers who were allowed to read it).  I carry that feeling with me every day now. When I'm sad, or angry, or confused, I read that email and am lifted up.