And The Beat Goes On

Yesterday when we left off from the FBook War of Words between me and my natural father's wife, we were discussing the fact that she believes my father treats her kindly with benevolent neglect...lol.

I never responded to M's last comment to me...figured, what was the point?

And then...

My father actually jumped into the fray at nine o'clock last night.

(Natural Father)  Hello Christina, this is your father. I know that I deserve all of your anger and pained comments. It sucks to read about some asshole and his benevolent neglect all the while knowing it is true and it's you. I have never been comfortable with the fact that my past pretty much sucked and my method of coping is to bury the depressing aspects in my self-loathing. There is not a day that goes by that this state doesn't get in my way. It clouds my judgement and gets in the way of my happiness. My failures are mine not yours. I intend to attempt to repair our relationship! If you can find it in your heart to forgive, I will try to earn back your respect and love. Know this, I was thrilled to find you, I truly love you and if you can, please allow me this opportunity.

I didn't respond.  I did leave my house and go for a long drive though because I wasn't sure WHAT to think.  Still am at that place now but hopefully my head will clear as time goes on.

And my natural mom posted her own status last night.  If you didn't know why I love her so much, this should clinch it for you.

(Natural Mom)  FACTS: I love my daughter. She is beautiful, brave, loving and articulate. I do not like to read things like "you seem like a lovely young woman, but..." No BUT...she IS. Does having a "chip on her shoulder" negate her loveliness? Nope. Is there actually a chip there? Nope. Being disappointed, hurt and let down and feeling or expressing those feelings does not give evidence of a chip.  Here's another fun fact...IF my daughter were to draw "a line in the sand"..I would jump it, fly over it, or crawl across it to reach her...she's worth that...and so much more. Fact: You can make excuses for, justify, explain or rationalize the behaviors of someone...but you can't keep their promises for them..so all that energy you spend trying...is really just blowing smoke.
more facts, you ask? why yes...don't mind if I add more...my daughter was in my world since before she was born....miles don't matter...never did. I may, at times, live in my own private Idaho....but there is always a spot in my world for my daughter.Final fact? (I may add more later...but this is the last one for this post) "benevolent Neglect" is an oxymoron!!so...play nice, mind your business, keep your promises.

And then today, when M, my father's wife, logged onto FBook from work, her comments started flying.

She didn't like my mom's status...clearly as these were her comments underneath it:

(Natural Father's Wife) Okay, that is enough. I am out of the middle of all this; I don't know what any of you all's expectations are, but Facebook is NOT the place to air these personal things! Enough, please! We are human beings too, you know. I really don't know either of you and do not have the means to travel and visit in order to get to know you. I have not said anything mean spirited to anyone and would appreciate the same from you, too, (natural mom's name). Enough!

And then, a minute later..this...(after no one had said anything to her).

(Natural Father's Wife) YOU play nice!

And again, an hour later (again, no one said anything to her).

(Natural Father's Wife) Stop attacking me! I am going to go and sage myself now.....!

Still following the drama?  I wish I could say it ended there but she then commented on my original status under my natural father's comment to me.

(Natural Father's Wife) You should know that P has not been able to log into his FB account for a long time; that is why he has sent the message above using mine. Likely, he'll have open another one, but that message is from him, right hand to God. Also, if you did not want me to show him your message, then why post it on FB for everyone to see? Just saying...(I know you are hurt and angry and I can see you are in pain. I am sorry that you feel those things, but I cannot say that I blame you in any way). Now, please let there be peace among us.

(Me )  Not sure why you are upset with me M. You commented on my status, I replied back. I don't think I was disrespectful or deserved what you just wrote at all.

(Natural Father's Wife) Honey you are the one who posted the whole thing on FB. Perhaps a private message would have been more appropriate? I am not angry at all with you. Please read every word of my posts; I am all about peace and love and light and acceptance! Please understand that and know that is what I only ever wish for you, too! I am bowing out of the middle of this; P has left you a message above. This is between the two of you, okay honey? Wishing you the best of everything always!

(Me)  I posted a status...you began commenting. I see nothing wrong with what I wrote. You had the choice to simply read the status to P, but instead kept commenting. I get where you are coming from to a certain extent...after all, I could have written P a private message that he never would gotten anyway, right? I didn't ask for you to step in the middle.  

(Natural Father's Wife)  It was a comment disguised as an attack. It is only natural that I would try to talk with you and defend the man I know and love. I simply told you that he did love you and but he isn't a demonstrative type of person. This has escalated far enough. Take care.

(Natural Father's Wife) It meant to say an attack disguised as a comment...

(Me) I was not attacking you. Simply stating that this was not a case of me being the water and him being the horse. It's not as cut and dry as that. One person's perception is another's reality.

That's it...that's all she wrote.

By the way, I changed my status to "I love unicorns, rainbows and puppies! <3".

Take Your Benevolent Neglect and Shove It

Last night I decided that I am completely done with my natural father.  I had left my profile up that I had created when we first made contact because part of me was always hoping that he'd come around...but I realized that I was doing more harm than good to my heart.

My father's wife is one of my friends on that profile, as is my natural mom.  She calls me "dear heart" all the time which rubs me the wrong way because while it sounds nice in theory, truthfully it feels patronizing.

I put up the following status last night on that page...and tagged my father and mom.

Pretty much done. Tired of talking around the issue and not getting anything in response from the one person who should be explaining himself. I have given my heart and my love and gotten crapped on in return. This profile will be deleted soon and I will move on.
Not going happily...but it seems like it's pointless to keep it up when I have another one where I have my friends and family, both ...adoptive and natural, on it..and who are proud to call me their daughter, sister, friend.
Your loss. Not mine. I truly thought that I'd found another piece of my puzzle, but it appears I was mistaken. I found a corner piece that belonged to another puzzle from another box.

I would have loved to have heard stories of my father's natural family. Would have loved to have experienced the same type of loving reunion and total acceptance that I have enjoyed with my mother. Alas, it's just not to be.

I have given up that dream. — with (Natural mom's name) and (Natural father's name)

So then, this morning the comment war started.  Sigh.

My father's wife's comments are BOLD and my responses are in ITALICS.

• (Father's wife) I'm sorry Christina. I will be passing this message on to P today. He hasn't looked at FB in a really long time. He just doesn't do much of anything except work. Sad really...You know you can lead a horse to water....take care dear heart!

  6 hours ago · Like

  
  
• (Me) I am not water, and he is not a horse Mavis. I am his daughter and he is my father. And I don't really care if you say something to him or not about what I wrote. I know it won't make a difference.

  6 hours ago · Like

  
  
• (Father's wife) I wasn't calling you water nor him a horse Christina. I was only saying that you can put something in front of someone and it's up to them to partake or not. But, you are wrong in your judgement of him. He is a loving man and I know that he has love in his heart for you and completely accepts you as his daughter. He is, however, a very inattentive man. P doesn't pay attention to my daughters (or me either for that matter) (Her daughters are not P's children), but we know that he is a loving man. P is the kind of man that is taciturn and thrives most in his relationships on benevolent neglect. I am sure you are a lovely young woman but it seems you want to draw a line in the sand. It seems that there is a chip on your shoulder about all this from your response above as well as not a small amount of anger. I can't claim to know what it is like for you but I am trying to understand. However, line in the sand or not, that is your choice. I don't expect you to understand him and I know that you want more of a full relationship with P than there is now. I hope that someday that will happen. He is a very imperfect human being as are we all. He has his challenges just like all the rest of us. These things are certainly not in my power but I wish you brightest blessings always no matter what you do.

  5 hours ago · Like

  
  
• (Me) The thing is, I'm not just "something" that he can choose to partake in or not. I only wish that I'd known about his tendency towards "benevolent neglect" before I started talking to him as I probably wouldn't have gotten my hopes up.

  
  

  Am I drawing a line in the sand now? Yes. But it's been two years since my last contact with him so I'm not really sure that HE wasn't the one who drew the original line in the sand. For you to say that I have a chip on my shoulder just proves that you don't understand the pain that this has caused and how much self control it has taken not to "take my ball and go home" months ago. Should I NOT have anger towards P? Should I just accept P's avoidance as his way of showing love? Perhaps that works for you and for your daughters, but that isn't how love is conveyed in my world. Love is given freely and without excuses. I apologize if you have thought that I am angry at you. I am not. I feel sorry for you, to be honest. How sad to have to live with "benevolent neglect" on a daily basis and not realize that you deserve more. I deserve more and I am simply taking care of my heart here.
• 3 hours ago · Edited · Like

  
  
• (Father's Wife) That I do understand. And, yes, it did seem as though you were angry with me for something I cannot change. Do I respect him for the way he proceeds? No, I don't. But, I have been with him for fourteen years and I have a complete sense of myself that doesn't need his attention. I do know that he loves me and he treats me kindly always. I don't want or need your pity nor that of anyone else, though. My life is full and I am not unhappy. Unfortunately, P does not live in your world. We are hundreds of miles apart and he does not have a communicative gene in him. You can be angry with him all you like. But I do pray that light and love continue to be with you always, Christina.

about an hour ago · Like

So, now what? I know my natural mom is going to jump into the fray and I'm not going to stop her. When she talked to P after she found him on FBook, he told her he was in this for the long haul and wasn't going to leave me high and dry. Sadly, that's exactly what has happened.  And what the hell is "benevolent neglect"?  Neglect is neglect, no matter how you try and slice it.

Heart on Fire

I still haven't heard from my natural father...but that doesn't mean I don't still stalk his and his wife's profiles on FB.  Found out today that he was in the hospital last week because he was having heart problems.  I guess he was released from the hospital yesterday.

I feel numb.  Like I don't know how to feel.

To make matters worse, even if I WANTED to say something about it on FB, I can't.  I found out by checking out the wife's daughter's page.

Leap of Faith

Not sure if anyone remembers me blogging about the fallout with me and my best friend back in May of 2010 but at the time, it threw me into a tailspin.  I felt lost and abandoned and depressed...for months.  I hated that we'd both let things get so out of control and it hurt my heart deeply.

Last week I found her on FBook.  I vacillated between writing her or not writing...if I wrote her and she didn't respond, I'd be crushed...because even if she was to tell me to fuck off, at least then I'd really know that it was over and I could hopefully move on and stop thinking about her.

I ended up sending her a message on January 17th.  And then crossed my fingers.  And I waited...and waited...wishing for that red notification button to show up on my wall, telling me she'd written back.

It happened on Thursday.  She answered me.  And rather than telling me to fuck off, she told me that she'd missed me too.  Our friendship will never be the same...we both agree on that.  We have both changed tremendously since then.  I like to think I've gotten stronger as a person, and from the sounds of it, so has she.

We've made tentative plans to get together for a face to face meeting next weekend.  I'm nervous...but hopeful.

Dismissal

I did it.  I deactivated my FB profile that I’d created for the sole purpose of being in touch with my natural father.  Funny, I guess I thought there’d be some sort of confetti blowing out of my monitor when I hit “Confirm” and entered in the stupid Captcha words…but there was nothing.  I got nothing…I feel nothing.

I let my n-mom know that I was doing it today and she fully supports my decision.  This is a little of what I wrote to her:

“What I’d like to tell him is this:  Don’t tell me you want me in your life if you really don’t.  Don’t say you’re so glad we’re connecting when you really aren’t.  You go off and have your wonderful life with your wonderful wife and your wonderful stepdaughters and grandchildren and I’ll go off and have mine.”

I admit that I cried a little at my desk as I went through the deactivation motions…but it’s really for the best.  I was torturing myself by putting up little notes on my wall, “Happy Halloween” and then “Happy Thanksgiving”…I’d be double damned if I was going to put up “Merry Fucking Christmas”, only to get silence and *crickets*.

Part of me feels like a little kid, taking her ball away and stomping off for home.  Don’t want to play by my rules?  Peace out.

Speed Bump

As you all remember, I was reunited with my natural father in December 2010.  Things were going really well...we were all (my natural mom, dad and his wife) emailing via Facebook on a regular basis.  I'd even talked to P (n-dad) on the phone right around Easter and was extremely hopeful that things were going to work out..and I'd finally have the father that I never had.

I think I jinxed myself.

The emails slowly dwindled down to nothing...especially after my n-mom went down to Delaware to care for my ailing grandfather.  She still writes, calls and texts me almost daily...but P has been MIA.  He emailed once to thank me profusely for the Father's Day card I'd sent...but other than that...nothing.

N-mom was back up for a visit last week and asked me how things were going.  I was truthful...but also slipped back into my old ways...making excuses for him.  "He's probably busy with his wife's grandkids..." and then, in a moment of self-pity, "At least I have you...it doesn't matter whether he wants to have me in my life".  Yeah, I'm a liar.

She got upset...like it was somehow her fault that he'd dropped off the face of the earth and I was quick to tell her that no...it ISN'T her fault.  Whatever the reason for the silence, it's not either of our faults.

Unbeknownst to me, while she was home, she emailed P...presumably on the guise of wondering how things were going for him and me.

The very next day, there was a message on Facebook from P:

hi doll, it's been too long, I know. I think whenever we get out of routine and my comfort zone I tend to withdraw and become self-absorbed. It hasn't been 'normal' here for almost 2 months, finally though, getting back to routine. I apologize for the dead air. It has nothing to do with you sweety. Anyhow, I'm trying to get back to good. I love you ♥

Still trying to believe that he's not going anywhere and that he's just busy...but something tells me, the tide is changing.  I'm not sure whether I'm okay or not with that..which probably means that I haven't allowed myself to think about it too much yet.

Crappy Analogy or Plain Stupidity?

So, I usually keep my "adoption stuff" off of my IRL Facebook profile.  I have both adoptive relatives and natural relatives on there so I tread a thin line of posting stuff that's all inclusive, if you know what I mean. But honestly, what I'm about to copy and paste seriously made me angry.

I'm changing names here...just because I can.

My natural mother has a friend Andrea.  Now, Andrea has a friend named Josephine who is now friends with nmom and I, by default.   She knows about nmom finding me and that I am adopted.

Yesterday Josephine posted the below status on Facebook and it was all I could do not to throw my monitor out of my office window.  I didn't though...just vented about it to my nmom who said she was pissed too.

Josephine ~  is thinking of selling almost all of my purses on ebay to fund that one really big purse purchase! It's like giving my kids up for adoption.

Vera ~  What really big purse purchase?


Crystal ~  My purse just broke yesterday I'm in the market for a new one it could be an open adoption


Christina (Yours Truly) ~  ‎: /


Nmom ~  I'm with you, Christina...hanging onto my purses...


Nmom ~  Ps...crappy analogy.


Josephine ~  Lol I don't know I do love them purses but they don't talk back. No offense intended ladies.


Lisa ~ You could probably buy a nice used car with the profit you would make on those babies!


Jennifer ~ LMFAO!! Like a bandaid honey...just do it!!

I just hate that people can be so nonchalent about adoption when they have NO IDEA what it's actually like, for anyone.

Live With No Regrets

It's been a wild week.  Quarter/Year End is over...and life can get back to normal.  Once, of course, my darling son kicks this fever in the ass.  Sigh.  I've been writing to P pretty much every day..learning more about his family--my family.  It seems like it's been more than a week since we started talking, but we're definitely taking our time.

We had messages flying back and forth last night and I realized just now that I missed the last one he'd sent after he'd started a fire in his fireplace.  I wanted to share it with all of you because, well, just because..lol.

Fire...check. I got my camera working, need to figure out how to broadcast. This weekend I get home around 7 pm so I'll be online after I walk the pooch.



We were talking a few weeks ago about the past year and that it was one of our best. And then you happened to me. I am so thankful, I can't tell you. I don't like to use the word regret because I believe you do the best you can with the available information you have at the time but I wish to God you and I could've connected before this. Everything happens for a reason so I don't question why. I think we will all be alright now...I pray for it.

And my response:

And I missed your message you had sent so I am sorry for not responding to it.

When C found me, my friends would ask me how I was feeling about it all. I finally was able to put it into words after a while. It was like a hole had been filled in my heart that I didn't even know was there. THAT is how I am feeling now, talking and connecting with you. We can't change the situation in the past...but we can move forward...together.


Holy sappy message Batman..lol.

I'm in awe of him.  And I'm in awe of the situation.

My Christmas Present

It was Friday afternoon, Christmas Eve, and I was walking around Target aimlessly looking for last minute stocking stuffers and presents.  My phone vibrated and I saw that my nmom had texted me. 

C: Has he written??

Me:  Nothing yet..

C:  Well he just wrote me on Facebook and said "Wish me luck, I'm going in.."

Me:

C:  Breathe

Me:  I'm in the middle of Target.  

C:  Lol.

Me:  OMG, I have to go home.

C:  Keep busy and BREATHE.  He's probably writing and rewriting his letter...

Me:  ::vomit::

C:  Lol.  Love you.  No matter what, I love you.

I went home and started putting together Chase's Zhu Zhu pets and their accompanying playsets.  Put on some Christmas music and got lost in the spirit.  Until my phone beeped with the notification that I had a Facebook message. 

My favorite Christmas present this year?  No...not an engagement ring. And my new silver earrings, personalized keychain and Kindle were pretty frigging sweet, but those weren't the presents that meant the most to me.

This was:


Hi Christina, I wouldn't call it a shock, more like a tsunami...HA! I am surprised, no denying it, not shocked though...I welcome this surprisingly peaceful news. Mostly I am happy and relieved that you and C are together with your gorgeous babies.



I talked about you with my wife M and she agreed that you and I should (re)connect. She is wonderful and at some point, with your permission, I'm sure you will hear from her as well. My road is a long and winding one and one that I look forward to sharing with you. M and I live in our new house on the family farm, though not really a farm. We grow veggies to put up each year and horses occupy some of the land. We moved here to help take care of M's parents when the time comes. I have three sons, C, who was adopted, M, who's in the Army, and D. C and D live in Virginia Beach. I have 2 lovely step-daughters A and L and they have tons of kids so "Poppee" is always busy when they visit.


This is a new start and one that I am looking forward to with much anticipation. I must now go and tend to the man stuff that goes with decorating for the family party later today. Merry Christmas Doll.

The Waiting Game...Again

I sent it.  I sent an email to P on Facebook.  Now I wait for him to reply.  Holy hell I'm in a fog...not an adoption fog...just a fog..lol.

Hi P,

I hope that some of the shock has worn off…I have to say that I’ve been in a bit of a daze the last few days myself. I have written and then rewritten this note to you a hundred times and am hoping that I can formulate complete sentences and thoughts this time.


The basics about me? I have two kids, a daughter Madelyn, who is 10 and a son Chase, who is 7. They are very active and quite the characters. I work as a Credit and Collections Analyst full time and have a long time boyfriend, Steven, who helps me with the kids and life in general..lol.


I’m really looking forward to getting to know you and hopefully exchange a few pictures since C has told me that we look a lot alike and that Madelyn in particular looks quite a bit like you as well.


In peace,
Christina

Dad?

My natural mom and sister came out to visit for the weekend and to see Maddie sing at the Holiday Stroll in town.  My sister ended up going out to see some of her friends in the area Friday night so my mother and I got a chance to talk.

C: I found him.  On Facebook.

Me: Him?  Who, my ex?  Yeah, I found him too..haha.

C:  No, HIM.  He's in North Carolina...married, looks like he has two step-daughters.

Me:  (shocked) 

C:  I wanted to tell you before I wrote him...to see what you thought.  To see if you WANTED me to write him.  I'm not sure what he'll say.  He might end up telling me to fuck off...but I'd rather he say that to me, than to you.

Me:  Makes sense.  I guess I'd just want him to know that I only want to talk to him if he wants to talk to me, you know?

C:  (hugging me)  I know.

She showed me his Facebook profile picture.  The rest of his page was relatively private.  His wife looks a bit kooky...but whatever.  Couldn't really see details on the picture.  But now I find myself obsessed with finding out more.  I'm not sure whether he'll want to talk to me...seeing as he sent back all of C's letters and never responded to her phone calls before I was born...but maybe he's changed.  Stranger things have happened, right?

I'm prepared for whatever...just still in shock I guess. 

Sleepy Happy Grumpy Mopey...

In a funk.  Yup.  I'm definitely in a funk.  The past few days I've been toying with different posts but every time I go to start writing, it all comes out sounding like crap.  Verbal vomit, if you will.

Therapy is on hold for two weeks...she's on vacation this week and I'm on vacation next week (SQUEAL!).  I definitely need a break from work..and I can't wait to spend some quality family time with the kids and Steven.  It starts with a town concert that Maddie's singing in, continues with beach days, the zoo, playgrounds, picnics, natural family reunion and a birthday party for the son of one of my best friend's.  Chock full of fun..chock full of love. 

A lot of you know that I've started a separate Facebook profile for my adopted self.  I know that I should be strong enough to combine the two..adoptive life vs. natural life..but it's difficult for me.  In my head, I'm still the fragile girl who had to please EVERYONE.  Had to remain quiet lest she anger her parents.  I hate that I'm still afraid of my mother's wrath...that I still crave her approval...and am afraid of hurting her...I hate those things.  But it's hard to undo 36 years of fear overnight.  I wish it were easy.  I wish that I could truly be free for one day from the pain and the grief..and the feelings of guilt when I post pictures of my kids on Facebook and I hear from my natural mother that she lets my adoptive mother comment first so that she doesn't seem to be stepping on anyone's toes.  I want to yell at her in those moments and say, "To hell with that!  Comment when you want!!".  But I'd be hypocritical.  Because I understand why she does that.