38 Candles Tomorrow

Yeah...hi.  I freaking hate it when I avoid this blogging bit for so long because I come back, start writing and then just verbally vomit for awhile to get myself back in the groove.

Here's an update on my life.

Steven's grandfather passed away a week ago last Thursday.  The funeral was Friday.  It brought all sorts of long buried emotions to the surface and often, I'd find myself crying right alongside Steven as he had his moments of grief.  He hadn't suffered the death of a relative since he was 16 and he's almost 41 so you do the math. 

Me?  I have lost my adoptive father, my adoptive grandfather, my natural grandfather, my sister's fiance, two of my friends' babies, my high school friend..and that's just in the past ten years.

 

When we realized that Papa was most likely not going to make a November wedding, Steven and I talked about moving up the date.  But then, a few days later, Steven went and visited Papa and told me that Papa was too weak to leave the house.  Crushed.

But we are still thinking of moving up the date.  Making it a more simpler, intimate affair with close family members and friends.  Then we'll throw a big party next year when we can plan better and renew our vows too for those guests who weren't at the first one. 

My head is swimming.  The kids are out of school tomorrow, which is also my birthday.

Image found HERE

I'm so not in the partying mood.  But I did get to see my original mom and sister this weekend.  It'd been since January and I needed them to boost my spirits which are pretty low right now, to be honest.  We're going out to eat tomorrow night to "celebrate my special day".  Ugh.  I don't mind the cards from Steven and the kids but I know my adoptive mother will give me a mushy card with "I'm so glad I'M your mother" bullshit..and some crappy ass piece of jewelry she bought on QVC at 3 in the morning. 

I sound incredibly ungrateful and maybe I am.

And maybe that's okay.

Adoption Blog Hop

Take a look at this Adoption Blog Hop that Sharla has put together.  I just added my link...of course, I'm late as usual.  I really appreciate the fact that this is not a contest, per se.  Instead, it's a chance for the adoptees/original parents/adoptive parents to peruse different blogs without the pressure of clicking the "Vote" button. 

I urge everyone to read as many blogs as you can from each side of the "triad" and mull over the ones that challenge you to think in a different way.  I'm looking forward to this.

Oh, and on a totally off the subject note...I FOUND MY WEDDING DRESS TODAY.

Phew.  That is all.

The Kindness of Strangers

I grew up with strangers.  They didn’t know me before I was six days old and I didn’t know them.  I lived with them, played with their relatives, called them all my cousins/aunts/uncles/grandparents and even called these strangers Mom and Dad…but I didn’t know them, and they didn’t know me.  Not really anyway. 

Gifts always came with an unspoken promise to be good for them.  To be good at pretending the family unit was a happy one…to be good at pretending that abuse equaled love.

My adoptive mother emailed me this morning, gushing over how nice Easter Sunday was, having all the family together.

And then, it happened.

She also said that she wants to give me and my fiancé some money towards the wedding.

Gulp.

She’s changed over the past several years and has become a better strangermother now than she ever was before.  But something is still telling me to refuse the gift.  Something is still telling me that she’s only doing this to prove that SHE’S the better mother.  “See??  I gave you money for the wedding…that PROVES I’m better!”.  Perhaps I’m just jaded.  Perhaps I’m just replaying the old tapes from my childhood.  It’s possible that I’m just regressing to the little girl part of me that shrinks in terror when her mother walks in the room, waiting for the explosion of anger and screams.

All that being said, I am taking the money.  Honestly, we need all the help we can get.  Child support has all but ceased (thanks for nothing exBF)…and my paycheck is eaten up by bills, groceries, gas and things that the kids need.  I just have to realize that there will probably come a day when this will come back to bite me in the ass. 

Is It Too Late To Elope?

And the hits keep coming.  I went out for coffee with my asister last Sunday.  She's performing our wedding ceremony at her church (she's obviously a pastor).  I expressed how stressed out I really am about the planning of this grand soiree.  She calmed my nerves a bit but then asked me how I thought I was going to handle the families processing into the church.

Ummmm...I HAVE NO IDEA.

So, we have my amother (martyr extraordinaire...has to make everything about her)...my nmom (who really doesn't care what happens as long as she's invited and can see me on my special day)...S's father and stepmother and his mother and stepfather who are civil but that's about it.  I know it's my day but I am slipping back into my depression about trying to please everyone else and not myself.

In a perfect world, my mothers would walk down the aisle together...a united front...proving that I CAN have a happy ending and S's parents would be able to actually talk to each other without the tension being thick like pea soup. 

On a brighter note, I made an appointment to try on dresses....ummm...anyone wanna take bets on whether I can lose 50 pounds by April 20th?

WTF.

Oof

Remember me?  Lol.  Sorry all.  Life has been crazy the past few weeks and I've taken yet another break.  Nothing much has changed though.  Still engaged (!!!)..still no date.  Still no contact with my natural father...still pretending not to care. 

I went to my natural mom and sister's apartment a few weeks ago so I could join them at a cousin's baby shower.  The drive out there was a bit hairy...figures it was on one of the only snowy days we've had since Halloween, but I made it.  My natural brother was visiting when I got there and it made my heart melt when I opened the door and he pulled me into his arms and said, "Hi Big Sis..missed you!".  For those of you who don't know, my brother is 6'4" vs. my 5'3" height.  Quite the difference..hahaha.

While we were all talking, I was sitting on the floor and looked over at my brother and realized he was watching me contemplatively...it was a little unnerving, I must admit.  How odd it must be for him, even after being in reunion with me for almost four years, to acknowledge that I exist and am real.  I sometimes forget myself and am always surprised when I get a text from my mom or sister telling me they love me.  I sit back and think, "That's right!  I know them!!!".

Anyway...just wanted to check in and let you all know that I'm still kicking.   :)

The Best of Intentions

You know, I really try to get along with my ex and his wife. I do. Sometimes things just get to me and I snap.

I've started a wedding blog. Dorky, I know..but I figured not everyone here would care about my day to day stressing out about planning for this grand event so I'd keep it separate. Lol...I can't blog about what I'm about to say on that site though and here's why.

So, I'm into crochet. I love the peace it brings me and has brought me for over ten years. I still consider myself a beginner because I stick to scarves, bags and shawls at the moment but the rush I feel when I finish a piece is exhilarating.

I'm also a member of a Crochet forum...and have been for four years. I was mainly a lurker until recently but had gotten many ideas from the people there and finally decided to start posting. I linked my wedding blog to my signature there and left it at that.

The other day, I noticed that my ex's wife had commented on one of my posts..and then had deleted it. For some background, she commented on a post where I had a picture of a daisy I had crocheted.

I assumed that either she 1.) is a member of the crochet forum (DS has told me that she crochets too) as well and mistakenly commented and realized that it was me afterwards and decided to delete it or 2.) she wanted to make peace and actually get to know me but got nervous about my possible response and tried to get rid of it.

Yeah, three guesses on which option it was..the first two guesses don't count.

Here is the email exchange between us.

My email to her:

"Hi K, it’s Christina.
To answer the question you deleted on my blog, we don’t have a date yet.
I’m assuming you found me from <crochet forum name>?...If that’s it, I don’t even know what your username is.
I’m not trying to make anything uncomfortable for you by emailing you. Just wanted to let you know that I don’t care if you read my blog or not.
Thanks,
Christina”

Her response to me:

"Look its simple.  Yeah the <crochet forum name> was where I stumbled upon you.  I’m pretty active there.  I wasn’t looking for you.  When I figured out it was you I immediately deleted my comment on your blog.
 You and I are connected through <DS> and that’s it.  Past him, I want nothing about you in my life.
 If the engagement’s true, congratulations.  Being married to the man you love more than life is a blessing that I’ve had in my life now for a few years.


My response that I'm NOT proud of...but made me feel A LOT better at the time:

"Ummm…yes, it is simple.   You commented on my blog, deleted it and I was just responding to your comment.
 No need to be passive aggressive..lol.
 I wouldn’t make up being engaged…only a sad person would do that, wouldn’t you agree?
 I will not email you again..I can assure you, aside from having to deal with you for DS’s sake, I want nothing to do with you either.
 Oh, and I’m really glad you and <Ex's name> are happy…it has always been clear that the two of you deserve each other.  Here’s to true love!”.

The bit about the making up being engaged is because many years ago, before she married my ex, she posted on Myspace that they had gotten married...months before they actually tied the knot.  Her comment that if my engagement was true really rubbed me the wrong way.

I hate drama.  And I really hate being hated.  But I guess I just have to suck it up.  It is not my fault that she married my ex and has to deal with my son.  And unfortunately, because I'm his mother, she has to deal with me too, especially when she's the one who is typically sent to pick up and drop off my son on the weekends he's with them.  Lol..it was very "chilly" at the drop off point this weekend.  Part of me wanted to shove my ring in her face and say, "See???"...but THAT would be juvenile...and after I calmed down, I decided that her opinion of me doesn't matter. 

Yes friends, I know that my last response to her was snarky.  I think I wasn't expecting her email to be so cold...but you live and learn, right?  

If you are interested in the link for my wedding blog and aren't on my adoptee FB page, email me at opphiejane at gmail dot com and I'll hook you up!  (Get it, I like to crochet and I'll "hook" you up???)  No?  Lol.

Oh Dear

I'm afraid that you all are going to come along with me for the ride in regards to this wedding.  After the shock has slowly worn off (!!!!!!!!!), I've started to look at websites for dress ideas and am looking into making my wedding favors myself.  Thankfully, I'm pretty crafty (and modest) as are my friends who are all on board with helping me plan this event.

My friends at work are ecstatic and are sending me links to honeymoon sites.  Hahahahaha...

Adoption related anxieties are starting already though.  This would be a lot easier if I didn't have my adoptive family and natural family to plan around.  I mean I KNOW that it's "my day"...and that S and I ultimately make the decisions about who to invite and how the day will go...but how the hell do I incorporate both mothers in my ceremony without hurt feelings on one side or the other.  I don't want it to turn into a Us vs. Them scenario.

My adoptive sister will most likely perform the ceremony...she's a minister and has her own church, so that part is taken care of.  But I don't have a father anymore.  And so the problem becomes, who walks me down the aisle?  If I just have my adoptive mother do it, my natural mother would be hurt (but wouldn't voice that to me...she would keep it to herself).  Having my natural mother walk me down the aisle by herself is out of the question unless I want to be completely disowned by my entire adoptive family.  Option # 3 is to have both mothers walk me down the aisle...which would make my natural mom happy but would piss my adoptive mother off to no end.  And lastly, I could just say "Screw it, I'm walking by MYSELF". 

Fuck.

People, I'm stressed already and the engagement is only five days old. 

Let's get ready to rumble, my friends...bring it on.