Whirlwind Of A Few Weeks

Have had a difficult few days with my ex…thus the silence on my end.  I should just learn to keep my fat yaptrap shut and not let him get to me but it’s really hard.  Bringing up things that he thinks happened over nine years ago is counterproductive and he even threw in some digs about my parenting skills.  Lol..at least my kids are all seatbelted in when we go on long journeys…just saying. ;)

I really do try to maintain low contact with him and his wife.  Ever since the blog comment/email debacle with the wife, I’ve kept things to myself.  

Guess I need to brush up on those low contact skills though and let things roll off my back more.

Sigh.

On a better note, had a great vacation last week with the family.  We did our normal “staycation” routine.  The Zoo, Museum of Science, Ecotarium (did a tree canopy walkthrough and ziplined down to the ground from 40 feet up…OMG), birthday pool party for my best friend’s son, a little golfing, and the annual natural family reunion at my great aunt and uncle’s house on the lake.  As much as I enjoyed myself at the fun places we went, that was definitely the highlight.  My natural mother even got my brother, sister and me to pose for the obligatory sibling photo.  While we all protested that it was cheesy, secretly, I was ecstatic.  When my brother and his girlfriend showed up, he came right over and gave me a hug saying, “Hi Sis, I’ve missed you”.  *sob*

Here is a picture of all of us…from left to right…my brother’s girlfriend, my sister, Maddie, my brother, Chase and me on the end.  Sigh.  I’d like to blame the fact that my 12 year old daughter is taller than me on the fact that she was wearing five inch platform shoes but she was barefoot.

And one more picture to make you smile…it’s of Chase on the party barge out on the lake.  He’s wearing my Aunt Janet’s sunglasses (she’s on the left) and is sitting next to my mom on the right.

Leaving Him In The Dust

When I was younger and I was dumped by a boyfriend (or two…or three) or left in the dust by this friend or that friend, I’d wallow in self pity for months.  I’d lose weight rapidly because of the stress and anguish and then get right back up on the proverbial horse and ride off into the sunset of singlehood, always searching for another Prince Charming to sweep me off my feet.

It’s different this time.  Much different.  This breakup is affecting me in ways I haven’t even begun to realize.  Our relationship started off well…long emails of getting to know you’s…learning more about each other’s lives.  Realizing that we loved each other and saying it out loud.

I’m 99.99% positive it’s over now.  While I still love him…it can never be the same.  We’ve come to a crossroads and I’m taking a different path than the one I’d hoped we’d travel together for the rest of our lives.

I’m devastated though.  I’m not going to search for anyone else to share my hopes and dreams with, nor will I continue to pray that he comes around to my way of thinking…I can’t do that to myself.  He deserves to live his life the way he needs to, and it’s become clear that I’m just not part of his grand plan. 

I guess that’s why I’ve been very quiet on my blog lately.  I’ve been avoiding discussing this part of my life because it hurts too much.  I’m keeping myself busy though.  The kids are on the go..getting involved with afterschool activities and having friends over to hang out.  I’m working full time and in my down time I’m making holiday gifts for my friends and family.  Thinking of starting up an Etsy shop soon once I get a good handle on my crochet hook again…several of my friends are on there and have had great success.  Plus, I’ve been dealing with the same old issues related to my ex and his wife.  I tried to be Ms. Nice Mom and ignore the $5,500 in past due child support…tried not to be snarky when I’m told by my ex that he is working and can’t get our son on the day he’s supposed to (if he’s working, I’d love to know where the hell the support is, but whatever..lol)..tried to be as tactful as possible when discussing the cat hair debacle (that went over like a fart in church).  Just a lot on my plate.  So dealing with this “breakup” is taking the back burner because if I sat down and really thought about it, I’d go over the edge.

I’ll miss him…but I keep telling myself it’s for the best.

I’m trying to dig out from this funk…and it’ll help to write about it, especially given the circumstances of this “dumping”.

Slight Delay

No fret my pets...the first "Holy Crap, Really?" post is brewing.  Just gathering my thoughts and trying to quiet my mind a bit. 

Been dealing with a lot lately...or rather, NOT dealing with a lot.  After that one email from P on Facebook, he's gone silent again.  His wife has been on her page, but hasn't emailed me either.  I suppose I could email him again but honestly, I'm not sure I have the strength to do that yet...and not sure I really want to hear his answers.

Had to put a lot of work into my jeep lately...brake pads, rotors, new tires, replaced a lower ball joint, front end alignment...you name it, I've done it.  All within the span of one month.  Takes quite the chunk out of my bank account. 

And yet, I still continue to pay for everything related to my son with little to no court ordered child support being collected.  I'm angry.  And have to try my damndest not to snap at my ex or his wife when I see them.  I think I do a pretty good job with that too.  I think that my ex's wife is reading my blog so if she is, sorry that you are reading about my frustration here but better here than at the drop offs/pick ups, right? ;)  I've let A LOT go in regards to the situation...I've had to...but honestly, my ex isn't hurting me by not paying and not working more than a day here or a day there..he's hurting a little boy in the long run. 

The money that is sent for child support doesn't go towards my needs..it's used for clothes, supplies, food, etc. for Chase.  Problem is, you can't buy clothes with $0 coming in for five months.  Try it sometime...see how well you do..lol.

Okay..rant over...going in to Boston's North End with Steven, his father, stepmother and niece for the day to celebrate Steven's 40th birthday.  I promise to get to the HCR post tonight or tomorrow..lol...pinky swear!

This, That and The Other Thing

Life’s been quiet the past few weeks.  The third anniversary of my first contact with my natural mom has come and gone.  She’s still in Delaware with my grandfather but might (fingers, toes, arms, legs and eyes are crossed for luck) come home for a week soon.  Haven’t been talking much with my natural dad though.  He and his wife were busy taking care of her grandson for awhile and then were going on vacation.  Still feeling a little hurt that he didn’t remember my birthday but that’s just how it goes I guess. 

Spent the weekend with my friend from work and her twin daughters, along with my two cherubs.  Went to the pond near her house on Saturday…managed to avoid getting sunburned even though we ran out of sunblock after the four kids and Robin were doused in it.  I was skeered there for a little bit because normally I can only be out in the sun for ten minutes before I look like a lobster..lol. 

On a brighter note, it’s been five months since I’ve received any child support from Chase’s father…until last week when I finally got something.  Although, if you take the $87.20 that was deposited and divide that by 5 months (roughly 20 weeks), that works out to be $4.36 a week.  Whatever.  No, really…whatever.  I don’t bother getting upset about it anymore.  It’s up to the Department of Revenue to deal with now.  And from the correspondence I’ve been having with the DOR lately, things are catching up to my ex. ::shrug::  Again, whatever.  If I get money for Chase, great.  If not, it’s fine.  I have tons of other stuff to worry about..like the fact I need more coffee..lol.  I just show up for the drop offs/pick ups with a smile on my face and know that being civil to him and to his wife is the best gift I can give Chase. I do have to admit that I was snippy in an email thread my ex and I had the other day.  See, he’s a SAHD to his two other daughters, younger than Chase, and was saying that he had gone on a field trip with the kindergarten to the fire department and how great it was to be able to see things like that through a child’s eyes.  Now, I agree…but was feeling a bit snarky at that particular moment and retorted, “Sadly, working full time Monday through Friday doesn’t give me time to go on field trips with the kids…nice you got to go though.”  Sigh.  Not my finest moment but I was irritated..lol.  (This was NOT a jab at any SAHParents in my viewing audience…but if you have children you need to be supporting, sitting at home and not providing is just plain wrong).

Ugh..rant over.

Poking My Head Back In

The longer this blogging hiatus has gone on for me, the greater my anxiety and depression have been.  You'd think this would have catapaulted me back to writing on a semi-regular basis, but noooooooo...not this girl.  Instead I shied away even more....

So what's been going on in my life?  Errr, that question should probably be, what have I been dwelling on in my life... 

~ Made it through another Quarter End at work...with most of my sanity intact.  I'm struggling to find real purpose in what I do though and that's causing me stress.  I hate my job...but I need my job...and that just makes me hate it even more.

~ Even though Steven hasn't proposed yet, I know it's coming eventually (heard from a reliable source) and it's stressing me out not to know when.

~ My son's father is now almost $6,000 behind in child support and arrears and while I make good money at the-job-that-I-hate, it makes me really sad for Chase.  Not that he knows any of the money aspect of things..not at all...but it's not really about the money...it's about respect and being responsible for a child.  (Sorry Ex'sWife if you're reading this, but it's my blog and I can only hold my tongue for so long before I blow like Mt. Vesuvius.  I'm mad and have been really working on forgiving Son'sFather but it's difficult.  If there's one thing that I hate most in this world, it's apathy.  For heaven's sake, why can't people just give a shit once in awhile? 

~ I finally mustered up the energy to clean our bedroom.   Lol..Steven's side of the room is spotless..and while mine wasn't "dirty", it was definitely not up to par with how I wanted it to look and feel.  I want an oasis for us..a romantic place that we can go chill out in together and sadly it was more utilitarian and functional but not very conducive to connecting.  (Get your minds out of the gutter...I wasn't even talking about you-know..lol...).

~ Still corresponding with my father and his wife.  We are all friends on my third super secret Facebook page, along with my nmother.  It's quite the ragtag group...we've been asking each other questions, like a quiz kind of, to get to know each other.  Some of the questions have been difficult to ask and to answer but we're muddling through.  Haven't told my amother or asister that I've found him...or that we're in such close contact and that's just adding to my anxiety.  I know that I don't technically have to tell them...but I just feel like I should.  Why?  Because I like getting the cold shoulder from my amother.  I thrive on the abuse.

~ Lastly, I'm going to be honest here...I've been really thinking about what PP2.0 said on her blog about me.  And it's made me a bit gun shy.  I was bullied in high school...horribly...and while I want to be able to get my points across, I certainly don't want to stoop to her level of meanness.  I'm trying to figure out how to reinvent my blogging style so I don't come off like a total bitch.

What do you mean, too late????? 

30 Days of Truth ~ Day Four

Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for.

I don't know whether this person's spouse is reading my blog, so I'm going to keep this as brief as possible.  (If she is, I hope she understands why I am writing about the situation on this post...strictly in the name of healing).

I've done things I'm not proud of in my life. And one of those things was sleeping with my son's father on the first date.

Phew.




Still here?



I've forgiven myself for that. It happened, we were together through my pregnancy and then we broke up (I'm grateful for that because things got VERY messy at the end) when Chase was 3 months old.

What I have to forgive my ex for is his disrespect to me as a person, and as the mother of his son.

He posted a Myspace profile when things were particularly rough between us after he returned from a 3 year fathering hiatus with a new wife and daughter in tow...I was angry at his nonchalent attitude towards our son and he was angry because he believed I had kept him from Chase.

It was bad enough that the url for the page ended in "fuckucw"...but the profile picture he posted made my blood boil.

After things had gotten better and more civil between us, he removed the picture and deleted most of the page's content..but the hurt remains..even all these years later.  I know, I know...just one more thing I should just "get over".  And I'm trying.  But some days the shame just washes over me like a tsunami.