Time Flies

My son turned nine last night..at 10:03pm.  Unfortunately, it's his weekend at his father's so I had to just sing Happy Birthday to him in my head but I've been reminiscing and thinking about him the past two days.
How did the little baby that I rocked and cuddled with as a baby become such a grown up little man so fast?

Here he is at his first birthday..

And here is my little man singing at the Holiday Concert at the middle school this year..

He was only the second person in my life that I was able to see myself in until I was found by my natural mom.  Truly magical.  I'm so looking forward to finding out what kind of adult he is going to become someday.





On The Brink

My girl's going to be in sixth grade tomorrow.  Middle school. 

Let's just sit with that one for a few moments, shall we?

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Sorry, I had to breathe into a paper bag...was hyperventilating there for a second.

When I went to middle school, I had to wear my sister's hand me downs (not that there is anything wrong with hand me downs, but when your sister had to wear "the wrong" kind of clothes, and you get to wear them four years later, things are bound to start off badly.  I also still had my ugly ass glasses...and the lamest haircut known to man, woman, child and poodle.  Sigh. 

I think back to those horrible years and then I look at Madelyn with her long, brown hair, face full of cute freckles, eyelashes that which even Snufflelupagus would be jealous...and I'm happy.  But what's even better?  She's happy.  She's everything that I wanted to be...and that means the world.

Does that make me sound shallow?  I don't mean to sound that way.  I just mean that I always wanted to be one of the "cool kids"..and I don't mean one of the cheerleaders or jocks...I mean that I wanted to be confident.  I wasn't...Madelyn is.  It's pretty awesome to watch her grow. 

My a-mother called me on the way home from work...this is how THAT went:

Me:  Hello?

AMom:  Hi!  Just calling to see what time the kids are getting on the buses tomorrow? 

Me:  Well, Maddie catches the bus at 6:50 and Chase's bus comes at 8:10. 

AMom:  Wow, Maddie has to leave early, huh?  Well, do you mind if I come over and take pictures of them getting on the bus?

Me:  (short pause)  Ummmm, so, I don't think Chase would mind if you took a picture of him getting on the bus but I doubt Maddie is going to want us to snap a photo of her leaving for middle school..(nervous laugh).

AMom:  (long pause)  Oh...OH..right!  Well, how about I come earlier and we can take some pictures in the driveway?

Me:  (huge sigh of relief)  Sounds good..we can have coffee after Maddie leaves, while we wait for Chase's bus.

AMom:  Great!  See you then!

Dodged THAT bullet.  Sheesh. 

And yes, I'll post the pictures tomorrow for you all. *wink*

Slight Delay

No fret my pets...the first "Holy Crap, Really?" post is brewing.  Just gathering my thoughts and trying to quiet my mind a bit. 

Been dealing with a lot lately...or rather, NOT dealing with a lot.  After that one email from P on Facebook, he's gone silent again.  His wife has been on her page, but hasn't emailed me either.  I suppose I could email him again but honestly, I'm not sure I have the strength to do that yet...and not sure I really want to hear his answers.

Had to put a lot of work into my jeep lately...brake pads, rotors, new tires, replaced a lower ball joint, front end alignment...you name it, I've done it.  All within the span of one month.  Takes quite the chunk out of my bank account. 

And yet, I still continue to pay for everything related to my son with little to no court ordered child support being collected.  I'm angry.  And have to try my damndest not to snap at my ex or his wife when I see them.  I think I do a pretty good job with that too.  I think that my ex's wife is reading my blog so if she is, sorry that you are reading about my frustration here but better here than at the drop offs/pick ups, right? ;)  I've let A LOT go in regards to the situation...I've had to...but honestly, my ex isn't hurting me by not paying and not working more than a day here or a day there..he's hurting a little boy in the long run. 

The money that is sent for child support doesn't go towards my needs..it's used for clothes, supplies, food, etc. for Chase.  Problem is, you can't buy clothes with $0 coming in for five months.  Try it sometime...see how well you do..lol.

Okay..rant over...going in to Boston's North End with Steven, his father, stepmother and niece for the day to celebrate Steven's 40th birthday.  I promise to get to the HCR post tonight or tomorrow..lol...pinky swear!

Poking My Head Back In

The longer this blogging hiatus has gone on for me, the greater my anxiety and depression have been.  You'd think this would have catapaulted me back to writing on a semi-regular basis, but noooooooo...not this girl.  Instead I shied away even more....

So what's been going on in my life?  Errr, that question should probably be, what have I been dwelling on in my life... 

~ Made it through another Quarter End at work...with most of my sanity intact.  I'm struggling to find real purpose in what I do though and that's causing me stress.  I hate my job...but I need my job...and that just makes me hate it even more.

~ Even though Steven hasn't proposed yet, I know it's coming eventually (heard from a reliable source) and it's stressing me out not to know when.

~ My son's father is now almost $6,000 behind in child support and arrears and while I make good money at the-job-that-I-hate, it makes me really sad for Chase.  Not that he knows any of the money aspect of things..not at all...but it's not really about the money...it's about respect and being responsible for a child.  (Sorry Ex'sWife if you're reading this, but it's my blog and I can only hold my tongue for so long before I blow like Mt. Vesuvius.  I'm mad and have been really working on forgiving Son'sFather but it's difficult.  If there's one thing that I hate most in this world, it's apathy.  For heaven's sake, why can't people just give a shit once in awhile? 

~ I finally mustered up the energy to clean our bedroom.   Lol..Steven's side of the room is spotless..and while mine wasn't "dirty", it was definitely not up to par with how I wanted it to look and feel.  I want an oasis for us..a romantic place that we can go chill out in together and sadly it was more utilitarian and functional but not very conducive to connecting.  (Get your minds out of the gutter...I wasn't even talking about you-know..lol...).

~ Still corresponding with my father and his wife.  We are all friends on my third super secret Facebook page, along with my nmother.  It's quite the ragtag group...we've been asking each other questions, like a quiz kind of, to get to know each other.  Some of the questions have been difficult to ask and to answer but we're muddling through.  Haven't told my amother or asister that I've found him...or that we're in such close contact and that's just adding to my anxiety.  I know that I don't technically have to tell them...but I just feel like I should.  Why?  Because I like getting the cold shoulder from my amother.  I thrive on the abuse.

~ Lastly, I'm going to be honest here...I've been really thinking about what PP2.0 said on her blog about me.  And it's made me a bit gun shy.  I was bullied in high school...horribly...and while I want to be able to get my points across, I certainly don't want to stoop to her level of meanness.  I'm trying to figure out how to reinvent my blogging style so I don't come off like a total bitch.

What do you mean, too late????? 

The Long and Winding Road

I've hesitated about talking much about my son and his relationship with his father here. Because I know that some of what I have to say won't paint me in a very good light with my adoptee friends. Or maybe I'm just "being all adopted" today and worrying too much..lol. Regardless, I'm ready for the comments..good, bad, slap upside the head..I'm fine.

Word of warning..I'm not sure whether my ex's wife reads my blog anymore..::shrug::..no clue. I don't follow her around the internet (although, truthfully, I used to, just to see if she was talking about me..hahaha)…but I've gotten over myself and realized that most likely, she feels like I do now and couldn’t care less what I say… If she's reading this then I'll hear about it from my ex and all I can say is I'm sorry that we disagree so strongly on this.

Anyway, I digress (a lot).

My son's father and I split up when Chase was three months old. And then the hard times really began. There was a restraining order put in place, and before you ask, no, he was never physically abusive towards me but that doesn't mean I wasn't fearful of what he might do. And the judge granted the order..not to keep my ex away from our son, but to keep him away from me.

Long story very short, my ex ended up leaving the state in 2004…for places unknown. Eventually, I found out that he was living in Louisiana with his pregnant girlfriend (now wife)..and they lived down there all through 2005 until 2006. He took me back to court so he could exercise his visitation rights again in early 2007.

While he was gone, I began my relationship with my current boyfriend. He's put up with a lot through the years and I'm eternally thankful for him in my life. He accepted that I was a single mother raising two children and loves them more than the world. See, this is where it gets sticky.

Every day on my way to work, I'd drop Chase off at daycare. He'd play with his friends, and get loved on by his teachers. And he'd see the parents, moms and dads, come to pick up his classmates. Every day. And he was growing and his brain was beginning to think..really think.

One day when Chase was about two years old, we got home from work/daycare and he ran into the house, straight into my boyfriend's office.

"Dahnnie! We're home!".

You see, Dahnnie = Daddy. And I'm going to be completely honest here, I said nothing. Because the fact was, at that point, I had NO idea when my ex might come back up north. No idea what his plan was for his life…only knew that right then, his number priority wasn't Chase. For better or for worse, it just wasn't. And I get that. I do. He had built a life down in Louisiana and really, I couldn't fault him for that, although it made me sad for Chase.

And my boyfriend had been there for Chase in ways that my ex logistically couldn't. The late night feedings, the diaper changes, the dinner table fiascos, the scraped knees, the boo boo kisses…the inevitable time outs..lol…and Chase saw that he had what his friends had at daycare…a Dahnnie.

Flashforward to today and things are hard for Chase. More difficult than I think my ex can understand..(I'm NOT saying this is bad, or whatever…it just is)..and it's causing issues for Chase. My ex believes that Chase should not be allowed to call Steven "Daddy". Period..end of story. That because he doesn't share the same genes as Chase, he has no rights. Legally, that's correct. But morally, I respectively beg to differ. I'm adopted. I have TWO moms. The one that raised me (albeit, badly at times) and the mom that I'm biologically and inexplicably connected to. In my eyes, neither has more of a "right" to me. But both just as real as the other.

Yesterday when I got Chase back from his weekend visit, I took him over to see the rest of my afamily and Madelyn at my sister's house for my nephew's birthday. He'd had an accident in his pants. Actually, he had two accidents while we were there. Now, usually this means one of three things: He's tired, he's lazy (lol) or he's stressed out. As I got him cleaned up in my sister's bathroom, he said something to me that hurt my heart.

"Daddy yelled at me today. He said I'm not allowed to call Steven Daddy anymore." Now, whether "yelled" means talked to in a stern voice, my bet is on probably. But it was hard to hear that it's still going on. I'd kind of put it out of my head (bad Mommy) and thought that since my ex and I were being civil and decent with one another, his tone would change with Chase. But it hasn't. I simply told Chase to tell Daddy (my ex) that he can talk to Mommy about it, and that I was just happy he has so many people that love him.

And tonight, while I'm at therapy, I'll be pushing my therapist for the name of a counselor that I can take Chase to so we can address the issue and see what an unbiased third party person thinks.

Was I wrong to not tell Chase that he had a father out there somewhere? Probably. But what was I supposed to do? Sigh.

I'll bet I lost quite a few readers several paragraphs back because I'm so long winded today, but I had to write it down.