And The Beat Goes On

Yesterday when we left off from the FBook War of Words between me and my natural father's wife, we were discussing the fact that she believes my father treats her kindly with benevolent neglect...lol.

I never responded to M's last comment to me...figured, what was the point?

And then...

My father actually jumped into the fray at nine o'clock last night.

(Natural Father)  Hello Christina, this is your father. I know that I deserve all of your anger and pained comments. It sucks to read about some asshole and his benevolent neglect all the while knowing it is true and it's you. I have never been comfortable with the fact that my past pretty much sucked and my method of coping is to bury the depressing aspects in my self-loathing. There is not a day that goes by that this state doesn't get in my way. It clouds my judgement and gets in the way of my happiness. My failures are mine not yours. I intend to attempt to repair our relationship! If you can find it in your heart to forgive, I will try to earn back your respect and love. Know this, I was thrilled to find you, I truly love you and if you can, please allow me this opportunity.

I didn't respond.  I did leave my house and go for a long drive though because I wasn't sure WHAT to think.  Still am at that place now but hopefully my head will clear as time goes on.

And my natural mom posted her own status last night.  If you didn't know why I love her so much, this should clinch it for you.

(Natural Mom)  FACTS: I love my daughter. She is beautiful, brave, loving and articulate. I do not like to read things like "you seem like a lovely young woman, but..." No BUT...she IS. Does having a "chip on her shoulder" negate her loveliness? Nope. Is there actually a chip there? Nope. Being disappointed, hurt and let down and feeling or expressing those feelings does not give evidence of a chip.  Here's another fun fact...IF my daughter were to draw "a line in the sand"..I would jump it, fly over it, or crawl across it to reach her...she's worth that...and so much more. Fact: You can make excuses for, justify, explain or rationalize the behaviors of someone...but you can't keep their promises for them..so all that energy you spend trying...is really just blowing smoke.
more facts, you ask? why yes...don't mind if I add more...my daughter was in my world since before she was born....miles don't matter...never did. I may, at times, live in my own private Idaho....but there is always a spot in my world for my daughter.Final fact? (I may add more later...but this is the last one for this post) "benevolent Neglect" is an oxymoron!!so...play nice, mind your business, keep your promises.

And then today, when M, my father's wife, logged onto FBook from work, her comments started flying.

She didn't like my mom's status...clearly as these were her comments underneath it:

(Natural Father's Wife) Okay, that is enough. I am out of the middle of all this; I don't know what any of you all's expectations are, but Facebook is NOT the place to air these personal things! Enough, please! We are human beings too, you know. I really don't know either of you and do not have the means to travel and visit in order to get to know you. I have not said anything mean spirited to anyone and would appreciate the same from you, too, (natural mom's name). Enough!

And then, a minute later..this...(after no one had said anything to her).

(Natural Father's Wife) YOU play nice!

And again, an hour later (again, no one said anything to her).

(Natural Father's Wife) Stop attacking me! I am going to go and sage myself now.....!

Still following the drama?  I wish I could say it ended there but she then commented on my original status under my natural father's comment to me.

(Natural Father's Wife) You should know that P has not been able to log into his FB account for a long time; that is why he has sent the message above using mine. Likely, he'll have open another one, but that message is from him, right hand to God. Also, if you did not want me to show him your message, then why post it on FB for everyone to see? Just saying...(I know you are hurt and angry and I can see you are in pain. I am sorry that you feel those things, but I cannot say that I blame you in any way). Now, please let there be peace among us.

(Me )  Not sure why you are upset with me M. You commented on my status, I replied back. I don't think I was disrespectful or deserved what you just wrote at all.

(Natural Father's Wife) Honey you are the one who posted the whole thing on FB. Perhaps a private message would have been more appropriate? I am not angry at all with you. Please read every word of my posts; I am all about peace and love and light and acceptance! Please understand that and know that is what I only ever wish for you, too! I am bowing out of the middle of this; P has left you a message above. This is between the two of you, okay honey? Wishing you the best of everything always!

(Me)  I posted a status...you began commenting. I see nothing wrong with what I wrote. You had the choice to simply read the status to P, but instead kept commenting. I get where you are coming from to a certain extent...after all, I could have written P a private message that he never would gotten anyway, right? I didn't ask for you to step in the middle.  

(Natural Father's Wife)  It was a comment disguised as an attack. It is only natural that I would try to talk with you and defend the man I know and love. I simply told you that he did love you and but he isn't a demonstrative type of person. This has escalated far enough. Take care.

(Natural Father's Wife) It meant to say an attack disguised as a comment...

(Me) I was not attacking you. Simply stating that this was not a case of me being the water and him being the horse. It's not as cut and dry as that. One person's perception is another's reality.

That's it...that's all she wrote.

By the way, I changed my status to "I love unicorns, rainbows and puppies! <3".

Oh Brother!

Back in October, I found my natural paternal brother,D.  I emailed him…but didn’t hear back.  Honestly, it didn’t look like he’d checked his FBook in months, so I wasn’t really surprised.  I looked on his friend list to see if my other brother was there, but didn’t see his name.  Hmmm..back to square one.

So now we fast forward to last week.  I checked a few of D’s friends on the off chance that one of THEM was friends with M, my other brother, and OMG.

I found him.  He’s a tattoo artist based out of Virginia.  I emailed him..trying to break the news of my existence very gently, even paying the lousy $1.00 to get my FBook email to his regular inbox instead of that stupid “Other” one.  I waited on pins and needles for a response. 

And then, finally, four hours later…

“Oh cool!!  Nice to meet ya Christina!! :-) “

I wrote back that I was so glad he’d gotten my message and that is was great to meet him too.  I haven’t written him further because I am not sure what to say.  I don’t want to scare him off.  I have a billion questions but somehow can’t seem to formulate a complete thought when it comes to this.   I want to ask about D…want to reassure them both that I’m not going to write our father about any of this because they, like me, are estranged from him.  But how to bring that up?...especially because he didn’t write back after I did… I’m feeling all adopted and shit and am not sure whether he’s truly happy or whether he’s just being kind.

AAAAAAAAAAARGH…lol.  I’m a frigging train wreck.

Searching For Something ~ NaBloPoMo ~ November 10

Instead of using the writing prompt from Lost Daughters today (Reactions to Searching), I'm branching out a bit to talk about the State of Affairs when it comes to my search for my natural brothers on my father's side of my orchard. 

I've emailed my youngest brother on Facebook, but I'm not sure whether he's on his page much or whether my message has been relegated to the mysterious "Other Messages" inbox that I just found out about the other day.

I'm realizing what my mother went through after she emailed me through Myspace.  She had no idea whether I would be open to a reunion with her.  She had no clue what my thoughts on my adoption were.  Maybe I would tell her to get lost...maybe I would want nothing to do with her.

But I was open to a reunion with her, as scary as those first bits of contact were, I wanted to get to know her.  As these past four years have gone by, I forget what it was like before she was back in my life.  It's like I've always known her.  And I wanted that to be the case with my father as well.  It appears that's not to be...but I am hopeful that my brother will open that "Other Message" and contact me.

Want a peek at him?

He is the spitting image of our father.

 

 

 

 

Fingers crossed that things work out.in my favor. 

What's The Story, Morning Glory? ~ NaBloPoMo ~ November 7

Writing prompt for today: Childhood Adoption Narratives. Describe the story your adoptive parents told you growing up. What age were you? What feelings and questions did you have about this “adoption narrative”? Was it a satisfying explanation for you? Explain. As an adult, whether or not you are in reunion, comment on how much of that story turned out to be true. Has your adoption narrative changed? What story, if any, do you share with friends, acquaintances? How do others react to your narrative? Are they curious, supportive, silencing?

 

 

There was never one specific day that my parents sat me down and told me that I was adopted.  I just "always knew".  My baby book was geared toward adopted children with lots of flowers and bunnies and "This is where we brought you after we picked you up from the adoption agency".

 

The story goes like this:

 

My parents had adopted my sister back in 1970 after trying to have a baby of their own for eight years.  They had to wait a few years to put their name back on the list to adopt another baby girl.  And wait they did.  It would two more years and by the time June of 1974 came along, they were seriously considering telling the agency to forget it. 

 

Imagine my mother's surprise when on the morning of June 25, the Social Worker called while my mother was home with my four year old sister.  "We have a baby girl for you". 

 

The problem was, the house wasn't ready for a baby.  No crib, no toys, no high chair, no diapers, no clothes..nothing.  My mother called in the neighbors who rushed out to get supplies for this infant.  She then called my father at work and told him to come home so they could go the agency and get the baby.  Once he got home, they headed out immediately, leaving their friends in charge of getting things ready back at the house.

 

The baby wasn't at the agency yet, they were bringing her from the hospital and would be there in a hour.  They killed time by grabbing a bite to eat and then sat in the waiting room, eagerly anticipating their new bundle of joy.  Thankfully, one of my mother's friends had given her a "Going Home Outfit" that she put on the baby and after taking some pictures, they drove home.

 

A sign had been erected in front of the house, hurriedly put up by the neighborhood.

 

"Welcome home Baby W....... #2".  That's how it all began.

 

I spent the bulk of that first day laying in the middle of my parent's bed while they put up the crib.  For the first two weeks, I didn't have a name...ironically enough, they called me Princess.  It makes me sad that I went three weeks without an actual name, but it was par for the course I suppose.

 

Looking back on my narrative, I truly just feel sadness.  I often think about being in a bassinet in the hospital without my natural mother or father, no one to claim me until a stranger came and whisked me off to the waiting arms of two more strangers.  Was I cuddled in the hospital, or left alone unless I cried? 

 

The only thing my parents would say about my parents is that my "birthmother" was a teenager and that she gave me up to have a better life..that she wanted me to have a Mommy and Daddy and God brought you to us to have for our own.  That has never sat well with me. The hypocrisy of their words hits me in the very core of my being.  I always felt gypped out of that "better life" that I was promised.  I had a Mommy who yelled all the time and a Daddy who was a monster.  Nice. 

 

Now that I'm in reunion, I don't tell the story that was forcefed to me about rainbows and sparkles and "Ohhh, isn't it CUTE that you didn't have a name and we called you Princess??".  I simply say, I am adopted and my mother found me after 34 years apart.  I tell about how beautiful of a person she is and how she has become more of a mom to me than the mother I grew up with.  I talk about our reunion story and still get choked up when I describe how incredible our first face to face meeting truly was.

 

In the beginning, once people found out that I was reunited with my natural mom, they would say, "Wow, how does your adoptive mother feel about that?".  I would shy away from the question because it made me angry that they weren't asking me how I felt about it.  But now, I say, well, my childhood wasn't the best and while I respect my adoptive mother's feelings, my reunion isn't ABOUT her.  It's about me.   

 

Most people are very curious about how I was found...and for the most part, are very supportive.  I have run across some that are not as nice and judge me for being ungrateful.  Honestly, I lived too long with negativity and abuse and I usually just stop discussing it because only I know how I feel.

 

 

 

Gimme A Break ~ NaBloPoMo ~ November 6

Writing prompt for today: Taking a Break.

Have you ever taken a break from adoption related things such as blogs, forums, or groups? If so, how did it help you (if at all) and why did you come back? If not, what is the biggest draw for sticking around for long periods of time without a break?

Hello, have we met?  Have you read my blog for the past year?  I am currently the reigning Queen of taking blogging breaks and extended hiatuses.  For awhile, I blamed it on writer’s block.  But really, it was more than that. 

As I mentioned on my blog, my reunion with my natural father has gone belly up.  I have had to resign myself to the fact that the easy reunion I experienced with my mother, siblings and maternal relatives is not how it will be with my father and the two brothers I have been trying to contact.  The rejection I feel is overwhelming at times and causes me extreme anguish.  I mean, I totally get not having a solid internet connection and even not being comfortable on the phone, but he’s had my address since December 24, 2010 and yet, I’m still not worthy of a letter or postcard.  I’m dealing with it, clearly not as well as I’d like, and I will move on from this setback but it is affecting me…emotionally, mentally and yes, physically.

Speaking of physical issues, some of you who are friends with me on FBook have probably seen me talking about my high blood pressure woes.  Last night it got as high as 184 over 126.  One of my friends at work gave me her blood pressure cuff to take home so I can keep an eye on my levels until I go back to the doctor’s next week..but that might have been a bad idea.  I checked it several times last night and could only calm down to sleep once it hit 130/80 after several hours.  I went to the Emergency Room a few weeks ago because I was having chest pains.  All the blood work they did at the hospital came back fine.  The list of things they checked for seemed endless.  It was not a heart attack, was not lung clots, and was not my thyroid.  The ER doctor and my Primary Care doctor think it is stress.  It is definitely outside factors (not the kids or my fiance or home life), work being the biggest problem right now.  I feel so much pressure to perform well and usually just feel like I’m swimming in the deep end of a pool, doing enough to tread water very slowly while barely keeping my head above water.  And the reunion-rejection crap definitely does not help either.  My doctor prescribed anxiety medicine to take in tandem with the blood pressure pills so hopefully that will help.

I’m enjoying being back for November’s posts though.  This blog has always been my safe haven, regardless of some of my more *ahem* colorful readers and comment contributors.  I want to share my life with you all because many of you have been where I am and having your support does help me to keep writing. 

Professionally Speaking ~ NaBloPoMo ~ November 2

Writing prompt for today: You, the Personal, & the Professional.

We talk a lot about our personal lives but many of us also have professional lives. Let's assume that our personal and professional lives cross at some point (for some people this happens more than others). Has adoption also affected your professional life? If so, how?

Up until my reunion with my natural mom, the topic of adoption never really came up.  Oh, sometimes I'd mention it if it somehow came up in conversation and would inevitably get the "Oh, that's so cool!" comments.  And because I was so firmly ensconced in the fog, I'd smile and agree.  After all, I was chosen..I was special!

Gag.

After I was found and realized that it was okay to express my displeasure and confusion over being adopted, my tune changed..especially after I started sharing some of my reunion with my friends and coworkers at my job.  After my first face to face with my mother and sister, I emailed some of the pictures to the people who asked to see them the next day at work. 

Check out this picture:

That's my sister in the pink and me in the black sweater

So, after I sent the pictures to my coworkers, one of them emailed me.  Except, she wasn't trying to email me, she was trying to send a message to one of my other friends.  She said, "Is it just me, or does Christina look miserable in the pictures?". 

Yeah, I think my feet didn't even hit the floor before I made it over to her cube to confront her.  She backpedaled and tried to say that she was just concerned for me.  That she was old school and that mothers just don't give up their children and then come back into their lives years later.

Well, you obnoxious cow, my mother did come back. 

I learned quickly to only share my story with those who asked about it.  Just because I knew that it was a wonderful thing, didn't mean that everyone would "get it".  It was enough that I did. 

Dismissal

I did it.  I deactivated my FB profile that I’d created for the sole purpose of being in touch with my natural father.  Funny, I guess I thought there’d be some sort of confetti blowing out of my monitor when I hit “Confirm” and entered in the stupid Captcha words…but there was nothing.  I got nothing…I feel nothing.

I let my n-mom know that I was doing it today and she fully supports my decision.  This is a little of what I wrote to her:

“What I’d like to tell him is this:  Don’t tell me you want me in your life if you really don’t.  Don’t say you’re so glad we’re connecting when you really aren’t.  You go off and have your wonderful life with your wonderful wife and your wonderful stepdaughters and grandchildren and I’ll go off and have mine.”

I admit that I cried a little at my desk as I went through the deactivation motions…but it’s really for the best.  I was torturing myself by putting up little notes on my wall, “Happy Halloween” and then “Happy Thanksgiving”…I’d be double damned if I was going to put up “Merry Fucking Christmas”, only to get silence and *crickets*.

Part of me feels like a little kid, taking her ball away and stomping off for home.  Don’t want to play by my rules?  Peace out.

Clarification

I realized after reading my last blog post that people may have gotten the wrong impression.  I’ve not broken up from my boyfriend.  We’re still together…still in love. 

No.  I meant that my natural father has apparently decided that a relationship with me is too much for him.  That’s my assumption anyway…haven’t heard a thing from him since his last email in August and before that, I’d gotten a quick thank you after I’d sent him the Father’s Day card (coincidentally, Father’s Day fell on my birthday this year and I never got a “Hey, Happy Birthday” message or anything. 

It would have been a year that we were in reunion as of Christmas Eve.  Now, I have to live with the knowledge that I won’t ever truly get to know him.  I’m sad right now…and possibly still in denial that he could tell me that he was excited to get to know me and my children in one breath, and in the next, I get nothing.

I should have known though…and I’m kicking myself in the ass right now for ever thinking that my reunion with him would be anything like the one I’m in with my natural mom and her side of my family orchard (definitely don’t just have a family tree).  After all, my mom sought ME out…and with my father, I found him and contacted him. 

From what my mom has said, in her conversations/emails with him, he hasn’t told his sons about me.  Apparently his relationships with them aren’t the greatest and he is worried about how they’d react.  I get that..really…I do…but that doesn’t lessen the pain and the heartache of once again being a dirty little secret.

God, I feel like such an adopted bastard today.

Speed Bump

As you all remember, I was reunited with my natural father in December 2010.  Things were going really well...we were all (my natural mom, dad and his wife) emailing via Facebook on a regular basis.  I'd even talked to P (n-dad) on the phone right around Easter and was extremely hopeful that things were going to work out..and I'd finally have the father that I never had.

I think I jinxed myself.

The emails slowly dwindled down to nothing...especially after my n-mom went down to Delaware to care for my ailing grandfather.  She still writes, calls and texts me almost daily...but P has been MIA.  He emailed once to thank me profusely for the Father's Day card I'd sent...but other than that...nothing.

N-mom was back up for a visit last week and asked me how things were going.  I was truthful...but also slipped back into my old ways...making excuses for him.  "He's probably busy with his wife's grandkids..." and then, in a moment of self-pity, "At least I have you...it doesn't matter whether he wants to have me in my life".  Yeah, I'm a liar.

She got upset...like it was somehow her fault that he'd dropped off the face of the earth and I was quick to tell her that no...it ISN'T her fault.  Whatever the reason for the silence, it's not either of our faults.

Unbeknownst to me, while she was home, she emailed P...presumably on the guise of wondering how things were going for him and me.

The very next day, there was a message on Facebook from P:

hi doll, it's been too long, I know. I think whenever we get out of routine and my comfort zone I tend to withdraw and become self-absorbed. It hasn't been 'normal' here for almost 2 months, finally though, getting back to routine. I apologize for the dead air. It has nothing to do with you sweety. Anyhow, I'm trying to get back to good. I love you ♥

Still trying to believe that he's not going anywhere and that he's just busy...but something tells me, the tide is changing.  I'm not sure whether I'm okay or not with that..which probably means that I haven't allowed myself to think about it too much yet.

My First Post At Lost Daughters

I have started a list in the right sidebar of my Lost Daughters posts for easy access. 

I published my first post this morning, but for those of you who are lazy on this Friday afternoon and are too tired to scroll over and click in the sidebar, here's a quick link for you. ;)

The Other Side Of The Fog

Good News and Horrible News

Let's start with the good news, shall we?

Friday night I had written my ndad on Facebook and in the course of us "talking", he asked me for my phone number again because he'd misplaced it.  No big deal, I wrote it and pressed send.  Not two minutes later, I got a response.

"Great, thanks!  I'm off to bed since I have to get up at 3:45am but I'll call you tomorrow night around 7:30...love you Dollface..."

My heart stopped.  Did he just say he was going to call???  Me???  Holy crap.

And so, at 7pm last night I went for a drive and tried to calm myself down.  Drove around town...freaking out.  Watched the clock on my car's radio obsessively...counting down the minutes.  And then...7:30 came.

And went.

No call.

I drove around for another fifteen minutes and headed home.  Got things ready to color Easter eggs with Steven and the kids and then at 8:15 just as I was pouring the vinegar into the egg cups my phone rang.

It was my father's wife.  Apparently my dad had had to work at the prison and there had been an escape so because he's on the Emergency Response Team, he'd had to work late.  He'd been frantic when he realized he wasn't going to be able to call me on time and had asked her to call me to tell me that he hadn't forgotten and that he was on his way home soon.  We chatted for a few minutes and hung up.

We colored our eggs and just as I'd finished my last one, the phone rang again.

The call was a bit awkward...neither of us really knew exactly what to say but it was enough for me to finally hear his voice.  And at the end of our twenty minute conversation, I heard the words that both lifted my spirit and broke my heart...

"I love you sweetheart..."

Steven couldn't wait to hear all about it and I told him what had been said.  And I said, "You know, it's like I finally have a father after 36 years...amazing."

Unfortunately, the horrible news now.

Yesterday my nsister came out to visit for a few hours before she headed off to an 80's party with her friends.  We had a bit of bonding time since I had to go to the store to "help" the Easter Bunny out and dragged her along.  As I drove to the store, she turned down my radio and said, "I have to drop a bombshell on you now...Mom was going to email you last night but I told her I'd talk to you today since you should hear this face to face from one of us.  Grandpa's only got three to six months to live...his heart is giving out."

I put on a brave face and we talked about driving down to Delaware to see him before he gets much weaker..but truthfully, I wanted to just pull over and cry.  I barely know my grandfather...and now, my time is limited. 

I met him for the first time back in March of 2009 when I traveled down to his 80th surprise birthday party with my nmother, n-uncle and sister and met the rest of my relatives too.  I remember walking into the restaurant that first night of the trip..watching my mother lean in and whisper to him that she'd brought Christina.  His face lit up and he searched the family for my face.  I stepped forward and gave him a hug...he hugged me back and said, "You're so beautiful...I'm so glad you're here". 

It hurts that I'll have to say goodbye before I've really had a chance to say hello. 

July 11th..A Double Edged Sword

Last year I blogged about what July 11th means to me...here's the link to that post:

July 11, 2008 ~ The Day My World Stood Still

A day later and I blogged an entirely different post...

July 11, 2009 ~ The Day The World Stood Still For My Sister

Today has been rough...today instead of celebrating my reunion with my natural family...I am grieving for my sister who is still in mourning.

Desperate Much?

I'm totally excited in a desperate sort of way today. Confused? Yeah, me too.

My nsister, Cate, is on a cruise with her deceased fiance's aunt in the Bahamas. I decided that since my children are away for the week, I'd ask my mother, Christine, if she was busy Saturday night. She's not, and so I invited myself to her apartment that she shares with Cate for an overnight. She sounded super psyched for the visit.

The thing is, I've really never spent a significant amount of time with just Christine. Cate's always around to kind of fill in the weird silences (she talks A LOT)..or my kids are underfoot. I'm kind of nervous and am getting butterflies.

It's not like we *just* reunited…that happened back in July of 2008. We've had plenty of time together, although I'd love to see her more. Cate and Chris have a very easy mother-daughter relationship…and while Chris can drive Cate crazy, the love I see between the two of them inspires me to be a better mom. There is jealousy though. I see the pictures around their apartment of the family that I'm part of, and yet not completely a part of. I see the soft way that Chris speaks of Cate and my brother Greg and wish with all my heart that I'd grown up in that environment.

I know I'll have a good time…we'll have a great visit…but I'll drive away wishing for more.

Eye See

I went to the eye doctor's to have an exam, pick out new glasses and order contact lenses.  When I got there, I had to fill out one of those forms that asks whether you have had any headaches, dizziness, blah blah blah...  One of the sections asked the uncomfortable-as-Hell-if-you-are-an-adoptee questions about medical history.  Now I've talked to my nmother about our history but not in any depth yet really...so out of habit, I just put the standard "Shut the fuck up and don't ask me because I don't know" "Unknown - Adopted" response. 

When the doctor came in, she went through the exam and was reading the paperwork and said, in a surprised voice, "I'm adopted too!"  We chatted throughout the examination about our situations.  Her natural mother had died during childbirth, but she did know that she has a twin brother.  No names, no other information..  I asked her if she wanted to see pictures of my natural family and we sat there for a few minutes as I showed her the photos off of my Facebook on my phone.

We ended the appointment and she handed me my new prescription...and as I got off the chair to leave, she put her hand on my arm and said, "Thank you so much for sharing those pictures...you've left me with goosebumps..."

I think I made her day..and for that, I'm thankful.

Un-Thanksgiving Like

Been having a hard time lately formulating new posts. Think the holidays are affecting me more this year than usual. I ended up having a nice conversation with my aunt and cousin (adoptive side) on Thanksgiving…finally revealing that I'd been found by my natural mom and family. My aunt cried…asked me all the usual questions…and then, just when I thought I was going to escape unscathed, I got the "How's your mom (meaning my amom) dealing with this?". ::thud::


I'm just so tired of having to censor my words around people…knowing that in the back of their minds, they are more concerned with how my afamily is taking it. Where were you when my father was molesting me?? Where were you when I was awake at 2am listening to the verbal diarrhea that my amother was shooting at me and my asister? Where was your concern then?

Forgive me if I can't feel guilty for my amother anymore about my reunion. I need to be able to rejoice and be happy and not feel bad for it.

I'm NOT grateful that I am adopted…I'm NOT grateful for having the aparents that I was placed with…I was STUCK with them…no one asked my opinion on whom I'd like to grow up with. That choice was taken away from me. I know that my natural mom thought that she didn't have another choice, but I really wish she'd tried. Her mother had even told her that she'd help raise me…but my mom's mind was made up. In her head, she thought that I'd grow up with a mom and dad who wanted children and wanted to love them unconditionally. She wanted me to have the fairytale life that she couldn't offer me. She couldn't have any idea the life that I actually led would be so radically different and…sad. I guess hindsight is 20/20.

Adoption Carnival Four

Time for the Thankgiving edition of the Adoption Carnival over at Grown In My Heart

Obviously, this carnival is dedicated to giving thanks for...whatever...so here goes.

I'm thankful for my children...they are my greatest joys...and the biggest tests of my patience I could ever encounter.  I've struggled as a mother...to overcome my childhood and be the mother I didn't have.  I am thankful that I am learning from the mistakes that I lived through to be better and stronger.  They make me laugh every day...even when life is difficult, I can laugh.

I'm thankful for my boyfriend...he's my very own Martha Stewart...laundry, cooking, cleaning, loving, caring...he does it all...for me, and for my children.

I'm thankful for my amom and sister...we've been through it all...together.  The good times and the difficult times have bonded us in ways that are impossible to put into words.

I'm thankful for my natural mom taking the leap of faith and contacting me on July 11, 2008.  It threw my world into a tailspin, but I wouldn't change a thing. 

I'm thankful for my natural sister and brother...they are amazing and have opened their arms and hearts to me.  (Even though they DO mock me for being so much shorter than they are..lol.  Not my fault that I'm only 5'3" and they are giants!!

I'm thankful for love.

I'm thankful for you.

Triggered

The newest reality television show hit ABC last night...Find My Family.

I had NO intentions of watching, but then, all of a sudden, my finger pushed the button on the remote and I was sitting on my couch, sobbing my eyes out. Not crying because of how beautiful the show was...but crying because of how it was triggering me.

Before when I was fully engulfed in the fog and not reunited, I'd watch similar shows..like The Locator and cry because I wanted that to be me. I wanted to be found...even though I refused to believe it would ever happen to me.

Watching the show last night, my heart broke for the adoptee...as I realized that she must have been feeling horrible for knowing that her parents (now married with three other children) had given her up and kept the others. How incredibly painful it must have been to hear that her parents gave her up so she could have a better life, when in looking at the natural family, she WOULD have had a good life...with two sisters and a brother.

Now that I'm in reunion with my natural family, that thought hit home for me last night. I WOULD have had a good life with my family...and it just brought out the feelings of loss that much more in focus for me.

Read the following from the website regarding the show:

"What we love about the show is that the emotion is really earned, and it's honest," said ABC alternative series/specials/late-night co-topper John Saade. "It isn't big, contrived moments. We're not looking for train wrecks."

Reunion is like a train wreck though. And pretending that it's all rainbows, fluff and sunshine is just wrong and misleading. You start out on the train, riding at a constant speed, stopping once in awhile to let others on or off at the stations. Then there's an accident..a car or truck on the tracks that causes the train to derail..for an adoptee, this could mean that you find your natural family, or in my case, they find you. Time stops in that instant and the emotions that you feel in that moment are overwhelming. Some good, some not so good. It brings the pain of having been relinquished to the forefront of your mind and you wait for the accident to be cleared off the tracks so you can continue traveling. Might not take long, or it could be a lifelong journey. Regardless of the time, it's something you'll never forget.

Jeebus. I wish I wasn't skipping therapy this week.

Found

You asked for it...lol..I've linked to my personal not-so-much-about-adoption-blog so you can read about the beginnings of my reunion with my natural family.

Enjoy...and feel free to poke around that site too.

Adoption Carnival Three

I'm again participating in Grown In My Heart's blog carnival..Photos of Adoption. Join in and make sure you utilize Mr. Linky at the site to add yourself into the mix.

I debated about posting pictures of the day that I was taken from the adoption agency...but those photos now symbolize pain and anguish.

Instead, I decided to post a couple of pictures of my natural mom, sister and me at our first face to face meeting on August 20, 2009. A mere 39 days after our first contact. That day was one of the best days of my life and holds a lot of meaning for me. It was a rebirth of sorts..like the planets in my life had finally aligned.





I may post the story of our beginnings here on this blog....if there's the interest. I sometimes fear that I might get boring droning on and on about my reunion. Thoughts?

Quote

“In every conceivable manner, the family is link to our past, bridge to our future.” — Alex Haley

The above quote, found while surfing around Grown In My Heart, really touched me tonight. Because for me, as an adoptee in reunion (it's still weird to say that), I immediately thought of my natural family. They really are the link to my past...and now, as I slowly make my way towards recapturing my place on the family tree, they are the bridge to my future.

Yes, I have my adoptive family. My asister is my best friend...we're like soldiers who have made it through a hard tour of duty...and survived. My amother, while she completely and totally sucked when I was growing up, has slowly realized that she can't push my buttons anymore because I refuse to let her...and that's brought us to an uneasy truce. I love her. I'd be lying if I said I didn't...but can I say that I like her? No. She brings out my worst fears as a mother. I don't EVER want to be the mom that she was. My children deserve more than that. And my afather...he taught me to avoid relationships where the male is the dominant figure...that abuse is NEVER okay...and that I deserve better.

With my natural mother and family, there were no expectations. On either side. When I went down to Delaware in March to celebrate my ngrandfather's 80th birthday, it was the first time I was meeting most of the family in person. And what struck me most was that their claims of loving me all these years were the truth. I WAS thought of...I WAS celebrated...and it really DID feel like I'd just been away at college for a few years. Our reunion was THAT easy...and has given me more peace than I've ever experienced.

I have a tree. And the loving branches of that tree have shaded me from the storm, even when I was scared and alone.