My Peeps ~ NaBloPoMo ~ November 12

                                                                              

Writing prompt for today: Significant Others 

Has being adopted affected your romantic relationships? If so, how? What is your relationship like with your adoptive family? Do you feel connected to your extended adoptive family (grandparents, aunts/uncles, cousins, etc.)? If reunited, do you feel connected to your extended natural family? Are there disconnects? Explain.

 

 

Because I was so firmly lost in the fog during my childhood and early adulthood, I always just assumed that my relationships failed because I wasn't good enough. I didn't realize that I was too clingy because I was so afraid of rejection and being abandoned (again). I figured that if I showed my love to the men in my life, they wouldn't leave me. But that backfired on me, every.single.frigging.time.

I'm in a "big girl" relationship now though for the first time in my life. Steven loves me even when I'm crabby and feeling unlovable. Somehow he knows just the right words to say to bring me back down to earth. He knows about my adoption stuff...knows about the abuse and can even pick up on my adoptive mother's subtle ways of phrasing things that drive me crazy. He's been there since day one of my reunion with my natural mother and adores that side of my family which makes it much easier for me to be myself around them...as opposed to my extended adoptive family.

Honestly, the only person I felt truly close to out of all of my adoptive family members was my grandmother. She never made me feel different from my cousins and I adored hearing her call me "My Little Chrissy". We'd make homemade donuts every Saturday morning when it was my turn to spend the night at my grandparents' house. It was my job to count them for her (not that she really needed me to count them, but it kept this four year old busy so she could carry on with her work. We'd spend hours at their dining room table with whatever puzzle she was working on. She's take apart a section of the puzzle so I could put it back together for her. I felt such love when I was with her. Her death from a massive heart attack when I was seven years old hit me hard. I had come to look at her as my shelter from my train wreck of a life. I even tried to run away from home when I was four to walk down the street to my grandparents' house in a foot of snow because I wanted to escape. Sadly, I knew I wasn't allowed to cross the street and ended up just standing at the end of our long driveway, looking longingly in the direction of my safe harbor...a mere 500 feet down the hill.

Every other adoptive relative, while they are cordial, make me uncomfortable. It's always been that way. Although, I had heard my parents talking about their wills one day and they mentioned that my aunt and uncle would be our legal guardians if they ever died. This is horrible, but I was the kid wishing for a freak piano to come flying out of the sky while my parents were walking underneath it so I could at least live with kind strangers instead of abusive ones.

My natural relatives have been nothing but accepting since our reunion in 2008. My aunts and uncle have told me that they never stopped thinking about me. And aside from some distant cousins, EVERYONE knew about me...and while I'm sure it was a shock when I was found, they've all said that it was like I was just away on a long trip...that I fit in perfectly with our whacked out family. I feel the same way. I've only felt unconditional love a few times in my lifetime...with my children, Steven and with my natural mom's family. I'm beginning to see that I AM lovable...I am worth something. And those boys and men that I gave my heart to all those years ago didn't get to meet the real me. I'm sad for them because I'm a pretty cool chick.

 

Time Flies

My son turned nine last night..at 10:03pm.  Unfortunately, it's his weekend at his father's so I had to just sing Happy Birthday to him in my head but I've been reminiscing and thinking about him the past two days.
How did the little baby that I rocked and cuddled with as a baby become such a grown up little man so fast?

Here he is at his first birthday..

And here is my little man singing at the Holiday Concert at the middle school this year..

He was only the second person in my life that I was able to see myself in until I was found by my natural mom.  Truly magical.  I'm so looking forward to finding out what kind of adult he is going to become someday.





A Christmas Miracle!

Those of you on my FB now know that I had a really exciting Christmas Eve...but for those of you who aren't...here's the story.

The children were all nestled in their beds, I'd had a few *ahem* several *AHEM* lots (hiccup) of wine and had just finished the wrapping and was sitting on the couch watching the "Yule Log" channel with Steven.

Steven: Let me take a picture of you by the tree Honey....

Me:  What?!  No!  I'm a mess!

Steven:  Sigh.

A few minutes later...

Steven:  There's a card for you over on the shelf behind the tree..

Me:  Oh yeah?  Ha..okay, okay...but NO PICTURES.

Steven:  SIGH.

I wandered over to the shelf and opened the card.  It was one of your standard Christmas cards...I was confused on why it was so important for me to have read it right-at-that-moment.  I turned around to say thank you, and saw Steven bending down on one knee...and my heart stopped.

"Christina...will you marry me?"

Me:  Yes....yes!

Like A Brand New Hoover...

I completely and utterly suck big dustballs.

You’ve heard all the usual excuses….work, kids, life. It’s more like avoidance, fatigue and irritation. Those are the reasons I’ve been gone so long this time. Sad that there was a “this time” again..but there it is.

Went on a road trip with my mom and sister (both of the natural persuasion...and for the purposes of this story, since I have no intention of discussing my adoptive mother on this post, I’m leaving off the “n” in front of mom and sister but they are who I’m talking about).

We drove down to Delaware to visit my grandfather…I’d mentioned him in this post. It was a bittersweet weekend. Sweet because I feel like he was really glad I’d come too. On our last sit down with him, he held my hand and my sister’s hand and just looked from me to her, smiling. At the end, we both hugged him…he said to me as I bent over him, “I’m so glad you came to see me..”.

This trip was a bit marred though at the very start. My mom and I had gone to a restaurant for dinner the night before we left for Delaware and while we waited for my sister to arrive we had a very revealing, and painful conversation.


C (mom): So, I found something out from P (natural dad) the other day.

Me (questioning look): What did he say?

C: Well, he told me why he’d broken up with me before my family moved back up North from Maryland.

Me: I thought he was cheating on you…

C: That’s what everyone else told me…but he said that the real reason is that my dad told him to. He didn’t want both me and M (mom’s sister, my aunt) to stay behind. He knew he couldn’t stop M but wanted to make sure I came back with them. He told P to break up with me and to not contact me anymore.

Me: …..Oh my God.

C: P told me that he’d never stopped loving me..that he’d imagined we’d be together forever. I keep thinking how different things would be if I’d stayed and we hadn’t broken up. (She looked at me then with the saddest eyes I’ve ever seen…which is when my eyes began to well up.)

Me (after a long pause): But we wouldn’t have C and G (my sister and brother). I can’t imagine not having them in my life…and I know you can’t either.

C: I know..I just thought you should know. I love you Christina.

Me: I love you too.


My sister arrived at that moment and the tears dried up quickly but that conversation has haunted me ever since. Especially going to visit my grandfather. I know in my heart of hearts that he meant well at the time…but would he have made the same choice if he knew that C was pregnant with me?

I know it’s unhealthy to play the “What if?” game but I can’t help it this time.

I’ve missed you guys. I need you…and I need this blog. Clearly trying to work through this crap on my own isn’t doing me any good.

Good News and Horrible News

Let's start with the good news, shall we?

Friday night I had written my ndad on Facebook and in the course of us "talking", he asked me for my phone number again because he'd misplaced it.  No big deal, I wrote it and pressed send.  Not two minutes later, I got a response.

"Great, thanks!  I'm off to bed since I have to get up at 3:45am but I'll call you tomorrow night around 7:30...love you Dollface..."

My heart stopped.  Did he just say he was going to call???  Me???  Holy crap.

And so, at 7pm last night I went for a drive and tried to calm myself down.  Drove around town...freaking out.  Watched the clock on my car's radio obsessively...counting down the minutes.  And then...7:30 came.

And went.

No call.

I drove around for another fifteen minutes and headed home.  Got things ready to color Easter eggs with Steven and the kids and then at 8:15 just as I was pouring the vinegar into the egg cups my phone rang.

It was my father's wife.  Apparently my dad had had to work at the prison and there had been an escape so because he's on the Emergency Response Team, he'd had to work late.  He'd been frantic when he realized he wasn't going to be able to call me on time and had asked her to call me to tell me that he hadn't forgotten and that he was on his way home soon.  We chatted for a few minutes and hung up.

We colored our eggs and just as I'd finished my last one, the phone rang again.

The call was a bit awkward...neither of us really knew exactly what to say but it was enough for me to finally hear his voice.  And at the end of our twenty minute conversation, I heard the words that both lifted my spirit and broke my heart...

"I love you sweetheart..."

Steven couldn't wait to hear all about it and I told him what had been said.  And I said, "You know, it's like I finally have a father after 36 years...amazing."

Unfortunately, the horrible news now.

Yesterday my nsister came out to visit for a few hours before she headed off to an 80's party with her friends.  We had a bit of bonding time since I had to go to the store to "help" the Easter Bunny out and dragged her along.  As I drove to the store, she turned down my radio and said, "I have to drop a bombshell on you now...Mom was going to email you last night but I told her I'd talk to you today since you should hear this face to face from one of us.  Grandpa's only got three to six months to live...his heart is giving out."

I put on a brave face and we talked about driving down to Delaware to see him before he gets much weaker..but truthfully, I wanted to just pull over and cry.  I barely know my grandfather...and now, my time is limited. 

I met him for the first time back in March of 2009 when I traveled down to his 80th surprise birthday party with my nmother, n-uncle and sister and met the rest of my relatives too.  I remember walking into the restaurant that first night of the trip..watching my mother lean in and whisper to him that she'd brought Christina.  His face lit up and he searched the family for my face.  I stepped forward and gave him a hug...he hugged me back and said, "You're so beautiful...I'm so glad you're here". 

It hurts that I'll have to say goodbye before I've really had a chance to say hello. 

30 Days of Truth ~ Day Seven

Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living for.


They have taught me...

how to make the silliest faces.

how to enjoy turning cartwheels in the grass during the summer.

how to snuggle.

how to be patient.

how to find wonder in the smallest things.

how to discipline without being abusive.

how jumping on the bed singing Hannah Montana is actually really fun.

how to laugh at myself.

how to trust another person unconditionally.

how to love.

Yup, It's Quarter End

Work is kicking my ass.  Actually, that might be a good thing...it's taking me away from fretting and stressing out about the holidays.  I mean, I am still stressed out thinking about balancing my time and figuring out how I'm going to see everyone since the adoptive family isn't comfortable being in the same zip code  room as the natural family but it'll work out...somehow.

Maddie will be with her dad and Chase will be with his father from noon on Christmas Eve til 10am Christmas Day.  My friend at work was saying, "Oooh!  Christmas Eve with just you and Steven...maybe he'll pop the question!!".  My response?  "Bwhahahahahahahahahaha!!!". 

See, whether or not Steven and I get married tomorrow or the day after that or next month or within the next few years, he's my husband already.  In my heart.  Do we have a piece of paper that says that?  Nope.  But we work.  We fit.  We're happy.  And what puts the icing on the cake?  My kids adore him.  And I'm really okay not being married.  For God's sake, if we lived in a different state than Massachusetts that had Common Law marriages, we'd already be "hitched"...lol.

Don't get me wrong though...were Steven to ask me, I'd say yes.

Holy shizznit.  I'm tired and talking about marriage...I need sleep.

I promise that after this Quarter (and Year) end is over at work, I'll be back and better than ever.  For now, I'll leave you to guess.  Will he or won't he pop the question?  :)  Inquiring minds want to know!

Love and Compassion..They Do A Body Good

Sometimes the Grown In My Heart site triggers my sensitive adoptee self...and I stay away from reading the posts, for months at a time, because I just can't subject myself to the heartache.

Today, I rejoiced.  Read this post..written by Tonggu Momma in May of 2010.  It touched my heart.  I needed that today.

The Long and Winding Road

I've hesitated about talking much about my son and his relationship with his father here. Because I know that some of what I have to say won't paint me in a very good light with my adoptee friends. Or maybe I'm just "being all adopted" today and worrying too much..lol. Regardless, I'm ready for the comments..good, bad, slap upside the head..I'm fine.

Word of warning..I'm not sure whether my ex's wife reads my blog anymore..::shrug::..no clue. I don't follow her around the internet (although, truthfully, I used to, just to see if she was talking about me..hahaha)…but I've gotten over myself and realized that most likely, she feels like I do now and couldn’t care less what I say… If she's reading this then I'll hear about it from my ex and all I can say is I'm sorry that we disagree so strongly on this.

Anyway, I digress (a lot).

My son's father and I split up when Chase was three months old. And then the hard times really began. There was a restraining order put in place, and before you ask, no, he was never physically abusive towards me but that doesn't mean I wasn't fearful of what he might do. And the judge granted the order..not to keep my ex away from our son, but to keep him away from me.

Long story very short, my ex ended up leaving the state in 2004…for places unknown. Eventually, I found out that he was living in Louisiana with his pregnant girlfriend (now wife)..and they lived down there all through 2005 until 2006. He took me back to court so he could exercise his visitation rights again in early 2007.

While he was gone, I began my relationship with my current boyfriend. He's put up with a lot through the years and I'm eternally thankful for him in my life. He accepted that I was a single mother raising two children and loves them more than the world. See, this is where it gets sticky.

Every day on my way to work, I'd drop Chase off at daycare. He'd play with his friends, and get loved on by his teachers. And he'd see the parents, moms and dads, come to pick up his classmates. Every day. And he was growing and his brain was beginning to think..really think.

One day when Chase was about two years old, we got home from work/daycare and he ran into the house, straight into my boyfriend's office.

"Dahnnie! We're home!".

You see, Dahnnie = Daddy. And I'm going to be completely honest here, I said nothing. Because the fact was, at that point, I had NO idea when my ex might come back up north. No idea what his plan was for his life…only knew that right then, his number priority wasn't Chase. For better or for worse, it just wasn't. And I get that. I do. He had built a life down in Louisiana and really, I couldn't fault him for that, although it made me sad for Chase.

And my boyfriend had been there for Chase in ways that my ex logistically couldn't. The late night feedings, the diaper changes, the dinner table fiascos, the scraped knees, the boo boo kisses…the inevitable time outs..lol…and Chase saw that he had what his friends had at daycare…a Dahnnie.

Flashforward to today and things are hard for Chase. More difficult than I think my ex can understand..(I'm NOT saying this is bad, or whatever…it just is)..and it's causing issues for Chase. My ex believes that Chase should not be allowed to call Steven "Daddy". Period..end of story. That because he doesn't share the same genes as Chase, he has no rights. Legally, that's correct. But morally, I respectively beg to differ. I'm adopted. I have TWO moms. The one that raised me (albeit, badly at times) and the mom that I'm biologically and inexplicably connected to. In my eyes, neither has more of a "right" to me. But both just as real as the other.

Yesterday when I got Chase back from his weekend visit, I took him over to see the rest of my afamily and Madelyn at my sister's house for my nephew's birthday. He'd had an accident in his pants. Actually, he had two accidents while we were there. Now, usually this means one of three things: He's tired, he's lazy (lol) or he's stressed out. As I got him cleaned up in my sister's bathroom, he said something to me that hurt my heart.

"Daddy yelled at me today. He said I'm not allowed to call Steven Daddy anymore." Now, whether "yelled" means talked to in a stern voice, my bet is on probably. But it was hard to hear that it's still going on. I'd kind of put it out of my head (bad Mommy) and thought that since my ex and I were being civil and decent with one another, his tone would change with Chase. But it hasn't. I simply told Chase to tell Daddy (my ex) that he can talk to Mommy about it, and that I was just happy he has so many people that love him.

And tonight, while I'm at therapy, I'll be pushing my therapist for the name of a counselor that I can take Chase to so we can address the issue and see what an unbiased third party person thinks.

Was I wrong to not tell Chase that he had a father out there somewhere? Probably. But what was I supposed to do? Sigh.

I'll bet I lost quite a few readers several paragraphs back because I'm so long winded today, but I had to write it down.

Remembering Love

My birthday is in 29 days. I'll be 29 for the *ahem* seventh time. When I was a child, birthdays always brought sadness. Oh, I'd play the game…I'd laugh and smile when everyone sang "Happy Birthday", when really, I just wanted to run away, hating to be the center of attention. I remember every year after the party had ended, laying on my bed, looking out at the moon, wondering if "she" was thinking of me. Did she remember being pregnant with me and then leaving me at the hospital?

I got my answer last year. Here is the email that I received while sitting at work…

Good morning!

and yes I remember what day it is. :)


For 35 years I have wished many heartfelt wishes. I've wondered if you were excited, what your cake looked like, even if you were bummed when it fell on a school day, Personally, I hated the fact that I usually got summer clothes for mine. LOL ANYWAY......I didn't want to just be a "comment" on your Facebook when I finally get to say to you.....not telepathically as I have for years.....Happy Birthday Sweetheart. You have been loved and thought of for every day of your 35 years. I have to admit that all of my worrying for years was for naught....you are an amazing woman. A great mom, sister, friend, and especially...daughter. I won't claim credit for any of that...but to be a part of your life today makes me happy and full beyond belief.


so...Have a great day, enjoy every second, and know that you are very loved and always have been.


this is where I sing to you in my head, usually...but today I'll sing loud.


I love you.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxox
love, Chriss

I felt more loved in the immediate moments after reading that message than I ever felt before. It was amazing, and I cried on and off all day over it.  (As did my friends and coworkers who were allowed to read it).  I carry that feeling with me every day now. When I'm sad, or angry, or confused, I read that email and am lifted up.

Adoption Carnival Seven

Another carnival is going on at Grown In My Heart…this time it's in honor of Mother's Day.

Carnival:


• Post a picture of your mother (the one you most refer to as a mom). This could be your grandmother, your birthmother, your aunt, your sister, your biological mom, your adoptive mom, your best friend, your surrogate mom…Your MOTHER.


• Include a Six-Word-Memoir with the picture describing her/what she means to you.


• Link back to GIMH with Mr. Linky


• If you don’t have a blog you can email your carnival submission to us at pickelfam at yahoo dot com


• If you are not in the adoption community you can STILL enter!

This is a difficult carnival for me…because I have two mothers…and because I feel like I'd be disloyal to one or the other depending on who I chose to show and write about.

Aaaaargh.

Truthfully, while I love my adoptive mother…I'm going to be completely honest here, sometimes I feel like it's because I 'have' to…because I'd appear ungrateful (yuck..hate that word) if I didn't say it. With my natural mother, it's a much more easygoing, laidback relationship…and the love I feel for her is different. It feels more…real…if that makes any sense. And while I know that both of my mothers are real, I have to speak my mind and look deep in my heart to see who my mom is.

Blah blah blah Christina..get to the effing picture, right?

My six word phrase to describe her and what she means to me?

"Life has become a fairy tale…"

Adoption Carnival Four

Time for the Thankgiving edition of the Adoption Carnival over at Grown In My Heart

Obviously, this carnival is dedicated to giving thanks for...whatever...so here goes.

I'm thankful for my children...they are my greatest joys...and the biggest tests of my patience I could ever encounter.  I've struggled as a mother...to overcome my childhood and be the mother I didn't have.  I am thankful that I am learning from the mistakes that I lived through to be better and stronger.  They make me laugh every day...even when life is difficult, I can laugh.

I'm thankful for my boyfriend...he's my very own Martha Stewart...laundry, cooking, cleaning, loving, caring...he does it all...for me, and for my children.

I'm thankful for my amom and sister...we've been through it all...together.  The good times and the difficult times have bonded us in ways that are impossible to put into words.

I'm thankful for my natural mom taking the leap of faith and contacting me on July 11, 2008.  It threw my world into a tailspin, but I wouldn't change a thing. 

I'm thankful for my natural sister and brother...they are amazing and have opened their arms and hearts to me.  (Even though they DO mock me for being so much shorter than they are..lol.  Not my fault that I'm only 5'3" and they are giants!!

I'm thankful for love.

I'm thankful for you.

Rambling

So now, not only do I have to go to the cemetery on Saturday to help with planting new flowers for the fall, my a-mother wants my family (boyfriend and kids) and my sister's family (husband and kids) to go out to dinner that night in remembrance of my father. I feel sick to my stomach and wish I could tell her that I don't feel up to it, but I haven't even told her I'm back in therapy. Fuck.

I'm anxious about tonight. I know it's only the second session but I'm really scared about what this is all going to dredge up in my mind and heart. I know that I'm doing the right thing...so, why is it so hard?? Why can't I just open up my mouth and verbally vomit all the things I'm writing here? I get so frustrated with myself...

And to make things worse, I think I hurt one of my dearest friends. He's technically my ex...my very first boyfriend..but we're still in touch. I sent him the link to this blog because he'd seen on my other blog that I had talked about therapy and wanted to make sure I was alright. So, I sent the link...and he got worried that some of the things I'd said about my lousy taste in men pertained to him. Let me just state for the record, especially if he's reading this, that NOTHING I said before, or will say again, about my choices in men have anything to do with the relationship we had. He was actually someone that I wanted to be with for a long time..but my issues got in the way and I was too clingy. I recognize that now...and I recognize WHY I was like that. I didn't want to be abandoned again..and so, I sabotaged myself by thinking that if I was this "perfect" person, he'd never leave. It backfired...and I don't blame him for going...I had a lot of growing up to do..clearly I still do. I'll always cherish his friendship and I apologize to him now for dragging him into this without thinking about his feelings.

Phew.

Today Is A New Day

I'm proud of myself today.  It's been awhile since I've been able to say that.  I made an appointment with a therapist and am going on Thursday.  And...just now...I told my boyfriend why I feel the need to go to counseling.  That took a lot of courage because for a long time I couldn't tell him about my father..had even regaled my dad's "good" qualities and ignored the shit.  No more. 

He's worried about me...and wanted me to know that he fully supports me in whatever I need to do.  And that he understands if I can't talk to him about it yet..but that he's always here for me to talk to as well.  I warned him that when I get home on Thursday after my appointment, I'll probably be exhausted...and extremely emotional.  He knows..he gets it..and he loves me.