I think I jinxed myself.
The emails slowly dwindled down to nothing...especially after my n-mom went down to Delaware to care for my ailing grandfather. She still writes, calls and texts me almost daily...but P has been MIA. He emailed once to thank me profusely for the Father's Day card I'd sent...but other than that...nothing.
N-mom was back up for a visit last week and asked me how things were going. I was truthful...but also slipped back into my old ways...making excuses for him. "He's probably busy with his wife's grandkids..." and then, in a moment of self-pity, "At least I have you...it doesn't matter whether he wants to have me in my life". Yeah, I'm a liar.
She got upset...like it was somehow her fault that he'd dropped off the face of the earth and I was quick to tell her that no...it ISN'T her fault. Whatever the reason for the silence, it's not either of our faults.
Unbeknownst to me, while she was home, she emailed P...presumably on the guise of wondering how things were going for him and me.
The very next day, there was a message on Facebook from P:
hi doll, it's been too long, I know. I think whenever we get out of routine and my comfort zone I tend to withdraw and become self-absorbed. It hasn't been 'normal' here for almost 2 months, finally though, getting back to routine. I apologize for the dead air. It has nothing to do with you sweety. Anyhow, I'm trying to get back to good. I love you ♥
Still trying to believe that he's not going anywhere and that he's just busy...but something tells me, the tide is changing. I'm not sure whether I'm okay or not with that..which probably means that I haven't allowed myself to think about it too much yet.