Healing On The Boulder

I'm going to be honest here...therapy sucked tonight.  I'm feeling really shitty and not in a good place at all.

This morning in the shower I had a body memory.  I remembered hearing my mother screaming at me...and how my entire body tensed up, waiting for her to shake me...or slap me.  I put the memory out of my mind and went about my day...or so I thought.  As the day wore on, I felt a massive migraine and the beginnings of a panic attack coming on.  I wanted desperately to cancel my therapy appointment...wanted to just go home and crawl into bed, listening to the hum of the air conditioner.

But I went.

And she had me invite Five to my boulder.  Five was able to throw her scared feelings about our adoptive mother into the water..and after what seemed like an eternity, was able to toss the crap of the screaming and the pain of the stinging hand to the river.

But while her pain dissipated, mine was multiplying...inexplicably I was having a hard time breathing.  My therapist had me try and connect to my Wise Self...trying to help me see that I was safe..and that nothing bad could happen to me on the boulder..but it didn't work.

It felt like there was a wall in front of me, and my chest couldn't expand out enough to take a deep breath.

Suddenly, as my breathing got more and more shallow, I realized why I couldn't breathe. 

When my mother and sister would go off on a shopping excursion, they'd leave me at home with my father.  Not realizing that instead of saving me from a day of walking from one end of the mall to the other, they were leaving me to the Big Bad Wolf.  I'd run from him...and he'd corner me...pressing me up against the wall. 

I began to cry and explained what I was remembering to my therapist.  Gently she guided my thoughts back to the boulder and I threw the panicked feeling of not being able to breathe into the river.

Eventually, the feeling was washed away..and my breathing slowed...inhale..exhale..inhale..exhale..

...but I'm in pain tonight.

A Curious Case of the Creepy Crawlies

Tuesday was really rough.  Really rough.  All day I felt like my skin was crawling.  Truly crawling with a billion little worms moving and squirming, driving me crazy. 

Got to therapy and talked about it..told her that I was terribly agitated and couldn't really figure out what was going on specifically...just that it was uncomfortable and I needed help.

Back to my boulder we went.  Our intent was to throw the "creepy crawly sensation" into the river.  But no.  I felt like something was holding me back...or someone.  My therapist asked me who or what I thought it was..and as I sat there, on my peaceful rock, Keeper showed up in her long white nightgown and the big green eyes..her dark hair blowing in a nonexistent breeze.  I asked her why she didn't want me to throw the creepy crawlies into the river and the only thought I had as I asked her was that she was protecting me.  Protecting me from the secrets. 

In digging further, I came to understand that she was afraid that if she did tell the secrets, all the parts of me would be completely overwhelmed.  And that she wouldn't be needed anymore.  Eventually, we (my therapist and I) were able to convince her to let me put the awful feeling of my skin crawling in a huge jug..instead of the river.  That way she could still guard it, but I'd be able to function.  Found out that Keeper doesn't sleep.  She can't.  She has "lived" this way her entire life, saving the bruised and injured parts of my psyche from the floodgates of memories and pain.  A very shitty way to live if you ask me. 

Now, dear friends and readers, I am well aware it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what the secrets could be.  But I, as well as Keeper and Five, am not ready to say them yet.  I'm just really scared...

I know this is going to be bad.

Fun and Games

I'm back to feeling "okay" after my therapy session the other night.  I ended up back on my boulder, watching Keeper rock while sitting in a huge rocking chair...surrounded by ginormous soft red pillows, and clutching the security blanket I'd been attached to as a child. 

As I sat in the chair in the office, my therapist told me to ask Keeper, this little eight year old Christina that I'm beginning to get to know, what her "job" is.  Since Keeper can't speak, I saw her pick up a large, gold padlock.  She just sat there, staring at me...swinging the padlock back and forth.  She's the guardian of the secrets..and doesn't trust me enough yet to let me in.  I was told to ask her what she does for fun...and she just stared, cocking her head to the side.  She doesn't know what fun is.  Does she want to learn how to have fun?  She just stared.  Not yet. 

Then, it was time to invite Five on the boulder.  She showed up wearing a pink party dress with white tights and Mary Jane patent leather shoes.  She was quiet as well, but agreed to sit in a small rocking chair and listen, holding onto a very worn teddy bear.  At my therapist's prompting, I asked Five if she wanted to have fun.  She started to look anxious..I could tell immediately what the problem was.  Her mother.  She didn't want to make her mother angry...didn't want her to know about the boulder...didn't want to have fun if she was going to just get in trouble later on. 

I asked Five if she wanted to throw the fear of her mother finding her into the river..carrying the fear away with the water..and she did.  It took awhile, but at last, she understood that her mother would not come for her on the boulder.  That it is a safe place, far from the prying eyes of her captor.

Before Keeper and Five left me alone on the rock, I took Five in my arms..and we cried together.  I told her how sorry I was that she was scared...sorry that she couldn't enjoy being a little girl and have fun.  The tears poured from her eyes..and mine...as we sat there.  I didn't want to let her go...but I promised that she could return any time she wanted.  Keeper was just watching us from her perch on the rocking chair...and I told her that she was welcome as well.  She stared..and nodded.

It's a start.

I'm angry though.  Yes, yes..I AM an angry adoptee.  I shouldn't have had to constantly look over my shoulder...I should have been able to have fun.  I'm not even sure I know how, even now. 

My Happy Place

Therapy last night...and because I'm just overwhelmed in general right now she walked me through some guided imagery...and helped me find my "happy place".

My happy place is at a river, atop a very large boulder that is nestled in the middle of that river. The top of the rock is very flat, and big enough for me to create a safe, pleasant, peaceful atmosphere..surrounded by all of my favorite things.

The water soars by the rock, and I can see a bend in the river which carries the water away from my awareness and consciousness. I lay in the sun, just soaking up the good feelings, focused on my breathing.

When I am quiet and at peace, I take all the worries and anxiousness of the day and of my life and throw them gently into the river...letting them all go, taking note of the color that the water turns as the stress hits it. I return my attention to the rock for a few minutes, sinking into the peace and bliss.

I check the color of the water again, for me, the stress and overwhelming despair colored the water black..and would get progressively lighter the longer we went on.

I honestly hope I can recapture that feeling when I try and bring myself back to that place...it was beautiful there.