Adoption Carnival Four

Time for the Thankgiving edition of the Adoption Carnival over at Grown In My Heart

Obviously, this carnival is dedicated to giving thanks for...whatever...so here goes.

I'm thankful for my children...they are my greatest joys...and the biggest tests of my patience I could ever encounter.  I've struggled as a mother...to overcome my childhood and be the mother I didn't have.  I am thankful that I am learning from the mistakes that I lived through to be better and stronger.  They make me laugh every day...even when life is difficult, I can laugh.

I'm thankful for my boyfriend...he's my very own Martha Stewart...laundry, cooking, cleaning, loving, caring...he does it all...for me, and for my children.

I'm thankful for my amom and sister...we've been through it all...together.  The good times and the difficult times have bonded us in ways that are impossible to put into words.

I'm thankful for my natural mom taking the leap of faith and contacting me on July 11, 2008.  It threw my world into a tailspin, but I wouldn't change a thing. 

I'm thankful for my natural sister and brother...they are amazing and have opened their arms and hearts to me.  (Even though they DO mock me for being so much shorter than they are..lol.  Not my fault that I'm only 5'3" and they are giants!!

I'm thankful for love.

I'm thankful for you.

Insults and Name Calling

So…yeah. I've been using words that if my children said them, I'd be shocked and dismayed. While I might like to use the terms "shit weasel" and "rat bastard" with my friends, they aren't appropriate for my blog and for that, I'm sorry.

I think I'm just so anxious…nervous…sad…angry..and yes, relieved..about therapy that I allowed my censor button to take a vacation for a few days. I don't agree with Mike's comment..but he's certainly welcome to his opinion, however pretentious it might have been.

I'm pulling on my big girl panties and getting through tomorrow (hopefully without vomiting on myself as I walk into the therapist's office) with my head held high. I'm not ashamed to say that along with the anxiousness, nervousness..etc., I'm actually feeling proud. Proud that I have finally said, "Enough is enough!".

My boyfriend has been tiptoeing around me the past few days…I think he's afraid that I'm going to break or something. This is all new to him and he's not quite sure what to expect. I can tell you that I'm prepared for the tears and the anger…and the migraine that is sure to accompany both of those things.

 

Today Is A New Day

I'm proud of myself today.  It's been awhile since I've been able to say that.  I made an appointment with a therapist and am going on Thursday.  And...just now...I told my boyfriend why I feel the need to go to counseling.  That took a lot of courage because for a long time I couldn't tell him about my father..had even regaled my dad's "good" qualities and ignored the shit.  No more. 

He's worried about me...and wanted me to know that he fully supports me in whatever I need to do.  And that he understands if I can't talk to him about it yet..but that he's always here for me to talk to as well.  I warned him that when I get home on Thursday after my appointment, I'll probably be exhausted...and extremely emotional.  He knows..he gets it..and he loves me.

Why Is It..

that sometimes the most uninvolved people are the most in tune with other's emotions?  And the most involved aren't?

I was talking to my boyfriend yesterday about my reunion...he's been there from the start of it all.  He'd gone to his aunt's apartment yesterday and they started talking about me, and Steven told her about how I was adopted and was dealing with the death of my natural sister's fiancee recently and how the reunion had come about and she very astutely said, "Wow, that's wonderful that now she knows who she comes from.." 

On the other hand, my adoptive mother was talking to me last night and said how her foot doctor (Mom has diabetes and has a specialist for nearly every health condition you could imagine) was saying how she was adopted and had found her mother..but that her reunion hadn't gone well.  That her mother had written her and they'd met a few times but that was the extent of it.  I honestly think that my mother would be happier if that was the outcome of my reunion.  And that kills my spirit.  Not sure how to deal with it. 

It seems like every time I say I'm heading out to Gloucester to visit my mother and sister, my adoptive mom says, "Oh...really?"  Like it's a big surprise...or that I'm inconveniencing her...even though it's been 10 years since I've lived under the same roof as her.  I think she forgets that I'm an adult sometimes.  Unfortunately, so do I. 

Things are coming to a head.  Soon.  Just not sure how to deal with the tension...and how to perform the delicate balancing act that I've grown accustomed to executing.