Clarification

I realized after reading my last blog post that people may have gotten the wrong impression.  I’ve not broken up from my boyfriend.  We’re still together…still in love. 

No.  I meant that my natural father has apparently decided that a relationship with me is too much for him.  That’s my assumption anyway…haven’t heard a thing from him since his last email in August and before that, I’d gotten a quick thank you after I’d sent him the Father’s Day card (coincidentally, Father’s Day fell on my birthday this year and I never got a “Hey, Happy Birthday” message or anything. 

It would have been a year that we were in reunion as of Christmas Eve.  Now, I have to live with the knowledge that I won’t ever truly get to know him.  I’m sad right now…and possibly still in denial that he could tell me that he was excited to get to know me and my children in one breath, and in the next, I get nothing.

I should have known though…and I’m kicking myself in the ass right now for ever thinking that my reunion with him would be anything like the one I’m in with my natural mom and her side of my family orchard (definitely don’t just have a family tree).  After all, my mom sought ME out…and with my father, I found him and contacted him. 

From what my mom has said, in her conversations/emails with him, he hasn’t told his sons about me.  Apparently his relationships with them aren’t the greatest and he is worried about how they’d react.  I get that..really…I do…but that doesn’t lessen the pain and the heartache of once again being a dirty little secret.

God, I feel like such an adopted bastard today.

Leaving Him In The Dust

When I was younger and I was dumped by a boyfriend (or two…or three) or left in the dust by this friend or that friend, I’d wallow in self pity for months.  I’d lose weight rapidly because of the stress and anguish and then get right back up on the proverbial horse and ride off into the sunset of singlehood, always searching for another Prince Charming to sweep me off my feet.

It’s different this time.  Much different.  This breakup is affecting me in ways I haven’t even begun to realize.  Our relationship started off well…long emails of getting to know you’s…learning more about each other’s lives.  Realizing that we loved each other and saying it out loud.

I’m 99.99% positive it’s over now.  While I still love him…it can never be the same.  We’ve come to a crossroads and I’m taking a different path than the one I’d hoped we’d travel together for the rest of our lives.

I’m devastated though.  I’m not going to search for anyone else to share my hopes and dreams with, nor will I continue to pray that he comes around to my way of thinking…I can’t do that to myself.  He deserves to live his life the way he needs to, and it’s become clear that I’m just not part of his grand plan. 

I guess that’s why I’ve been very quiet on my blog lately.  I’ve been avoiding discussing this part of my life because it hurts too much.  I’m keeping myself busy though.  The kids are on the go..getting involved with afterschool activities and having friends over to hang out.  I’m working full time and in my down time I’m making holiday gifts for my friends and family.  Thinking of starting up an Etsy shop soon once I get a good handle on my crochet hook again…several of my friends are on there and have had great success.  Plus, I’ve been dealing with the same old issues related to my ex and his wife.  I tried to be Ms. Nice Mom and ignore the $5,500 in past due child support…tried not to be snarky when I’m told by my ex that he is working and can’t get our son on the day he’s supposed to (if he’s working, I’d love to know where the hell the support is, but whatever..lol)..tried to be as tactful as possible when discussing the cat hair debacle (that went over like a fart in church).  Just a lot on my plate.  So dealing with this “breakup” is taking the back burner because if I sat down and really thought about it, I’d go over the edge.

I’ll miss him…but I keep telling myself it’s for the best.

I’m trying to dig out from this funk…and it’ll help to write about it, especially given the circumstances of this “dumping”.