Green With Envy ~ NaBloPoMo ~ November 20

 

 

Nobody’s perfect and sometimes we become jealous of other people (just as others become jealous of us). Has a non-adopted person told you they were jealous of you (due to adoption)? If so, how did that make you feel? How did you respond? If you are in reunion, has jealousy come into play at all? For example, if you have siblings, have they expressed jealousy about a difference in lifestyle? Are you jealous of them? How do you handle this? If you are not in reunion, do you harbor any jealousy toward anyone? If not, why do you think that is?

It's funny because most of the comments I get about being adopted or adoption related situations comes from people I've met online.  I have heard the "I've always wished I was adopted..my family drives me crazy sometimes!" line more times than I can count.  It hurts, to be honest.  I mean, how can someone wish they had grown up with a family that was not their own?  How could you want to have a fake birth certificate or not know what happened to you in the hospital in the six days after you were given up by your mother and before you were dropped in the laps of strangers in a cold adoption agency waiting room?  I will never understand someone wanting that to be their story.  And on a more personal level, as the survivor of abuse at the hands of my adoptive parents, I want to shake them and say, "Your life is fine!  I would give anything to have grown up with my natural family to have been spared the pain I suffered!".  I do try to explain that to the misguided people who believe the grass is greener on the adoptee's side of the fence but I know that it probably falls on deaf ears.

I am in reunion.  And yes, jealousy has come in to play.  I have met all of my relatives on my natural mother's side and have spent an extended amount of time with them at family gatherings and a long weekend trip to celebrate my grandfather's 80th birthday.  Seeing the easy way they all were with each other made me realize what I'd been missing all my life.  I did fit in well with them...our sarcastic wit binds us all together...but they have inside jokes that I can never be part of.  My aunt Julie told me that it was like I was away at college for an extended amount of time but that I was home now...like I was always part of the family.  And while for the most part, I agree with her, another, more bitter part of my soul, grieves intensely for the lost time.

In regards to my adoptive siblings, they have never expressed jealousy towards my being adopted.  They adore my mother and she adores them...and me.  It may have something to do with the way they found out about me though.

My mother and their father got divorced when the kids were little and he had visitation every other weekend.  When my brother Greg was six and my sister Cate was three, he was driving them home after their visit.  He said to them, "Make sure you are good for Mommy so she doesn't give you away.  She gave away one bad baby already."  Can't really blame them for not wanting to be adopted, can you?

But on the flip side, I  fully admit that I am jealous of them. They grew up with my mother in a house full of love and of acceptance.  They were allowed to make mistakes and to grow from them without fear of being hit or screamed at.  They got to experience unconditional love...something I only learned was possible when I gave birth to both of my own children.  I don't harbor some deep resentment against them for their upbringing though.  I'm glad they didn't have to go through what I did. 

Blogging Around The Cyber Tree ~ NaBloPoMo ~ November 5

Writing prompt for today: Around the Blogosphere.

Do you read blogs of other members of the "adoption triad"? If so, what do you learn from reading those blogs? When you disagree, what's your preferred method of dealing with it (such as leaving a comment, writing a blog post about it, or ignoring it)?



I absolutely read blogs of other members of the triad.  Lately, I've been sticking to natural mom blogs because I just get mad when I read most of the PAP and AP blogs.  Having just been diagnosed with ridiculously high blood pressure, I figure for now, they are too hazardous to my health. 

When I was reading the PAP and AP blogs and disagreeing (most of the time) with what they have written, I tended to write scathing rebuttals on my blog about what they were saying. I have shied away from commenting on their blogs because it just turns into a "Don't you have anything better to do than to rain on my parade?  I'll pray for you.".  I try with all my might to ignore them, but sometimes the crap being spewed is just too much to keep quiet about and blog posts are born.

Are You My Father? ~ NaBloPoMo ~ November 4

It's been awhile since I've posted on Lost Daughters, and I'm so glad I'm jumping back into it during November.  Reading so many heartfelt and thought provoking posts by amazing women is doing wonders for my soul.

My biggest problem with blogging lately is that my creative juices seem to have dried up.  That's why it's so helpful to have the prompts provided for us so I don't have to tax my brain too hard.

Writing prompt for today: The Natural Father

According to biology, it takes two to make a baby. However, when it comes to adoption often the natural father seems to be left out of the conversation more often than not. Do you feel that’s a valid statement? Were your natural parents treated as equals in your adoptive household? As a child, did you wonder about your natural father? Were you given any details about him? How did that make you feel? What is your view on natural fathers’ rights?

"Your birthmother was sixteen or eighteen and gave you up for adoption."

That was all I was told by my adoptive parents. Period. End of story. My father was never mentioned. I assumed my natural father was a teenager too, but had no idea whether he knew about me or what the back story of my existence truly was.

For what it's worth, I never really thought about him much until my natural mom found me. It was then that I realized I had other family members beyond my maternal side and I began to wonder about this man who was an integral part of my life's puzzle. As a child, when I imagined being rescued from the abuse, I pictured a woman showing up at the door..my mother...coming to take me home. I never pictured a man with her. And to be honest, I was afraid of men as a child.

My natural mom found him on Facebook in December 2010. After writing him for several weeks, I truly felt like one more tree had been added to my family orchard. He had the same sarcastic wit that I share with my natural mom and family. I finally figured out where I got my vertically challenged-ness (my maternal brother and sister are 6'4" and 5'9", respectively) and once again, I could see myself in another's face. Powerful..awe inspiring..and sadly, fleeting.

I had a father again...and then, it fell apart. The emails dwindled down to nothing and aside from one phone call on Easter, I never talked to him or met him face to face. It was over. Just like that. But I don't regret finding him. I just regret putting so much of my heart into it so quickly. My reunion with my mom and my maternal family was so easy and comfortable that I just assumed it would be the same way with my father. After months of radio silence, I've come to realize that I can't make him want to be in my life. He has the right to back off, and I have the right to take care of my heart. I'm now working on contacting my two brothers and while they haven't written me back yet, I'm being cautious but hopeful at the same time.

I do agree that natural fathers are left out of the conversation for the most part. I'm sure many of us have read blogs written by potential adoptive couples lamenting the hoops they have to jump through if the natural father does try to contest the adoption. Fathers should have just as many rights as mothers but they are often kept out of the loop until it's too late. Just take a look at this blog and realize that this is a man who wants his son back and is fighting to get his son back but is being met with seemingly insurmountable odds.

Natural Fathers' Rights shouldn't be a question, just like Natural Mothers' Rights and Adoptee' Rights shouldn't be a question. Keeping families intact should absolutely be the goal, not the exception.

I've had to challenge myself on this very topic when it comes to my son and my ex, his father. When my son was an infant, his father left the state. For over two years, there was no contact from him and I had moved on with my now fiance. He became the father figure in my son's life that had been lacking. My ex came back with a new wife and daughter in tow and after mediation through the court, we settled on easing them into visitation slowly, building a relationship with the son he'd left. He has that right. I will never take the father/son connections away from either one of them, especially since the fathers in my life have let me down in different and yet equally painful ways.

This Blog Was Made For Talking ~ NaBloPoMo ~ November 3

Writing prompt for today: Blogging Adoption and Everyday Life.

How is blogging about adoption different from blogging about other topics? Do you maintain an non-adoption blog on top of adoption blogging? If so, how do they differ?

Adoption isn't funny.  I mean, we can crack jokes about those silly PAP blogs but under the surface is sadness and pain.  I write about really raw situations that I lived through as a child and as an adult and I am incredibly drained after I share those memories.

For awhile I did have a non-adoption blog on which I COULD be funny...and I miss it.  The problem became that I couldn't quite get away from bringing my adoption stuff onto that site though and I needed to stop.  I think I'm in a better place emotionally now though so I might resurrect that blog and see where it goes. 

I also don't want to turn into a "Mommy Blogger".  I've read enough of those to realize that I want to be shot if I become as pretentious as some of them.  Plus, I'm just not the domestic goddesses those bloggers are.  I don't cook (thank goodness for Steven) and my crafting skills are limited to creating crocheted afghans, scarves, hats and purses...not whipping up homemade decorations that would make my house look like Martha Stewart vomited in it.

Definitely something to think about though.

My adoption blog is my third baby.  I've "adopted" (lol) this online blogging personality that I love.  I may blog about tough things, but I'm strong here.  Stronger than I am in my real life.  I've made friendships online and cherish all my adoptee and natural mom contacts more than mere words could express. 

For me, blogging about adoption is a passion.  Oh, I'm passionate about my love for my family and friends, but in a markedly different way.  I have always been a chameleon with my thoughts.  I take on the majority's choices like they are my own.  I never wanted to cause waves or become the center of anyone's attention.  But when I began blogging about adoption and my reunions, that changed.  I can disagree here..cloaked under a certain amount of anonymity.  I love that.

 

Professionally Speaking ~ NaBloPoMo ~ November 2

Writing prompt for today: You, the Personal, & the Professional.

We talk a lot about our personal lives but many of us also have professional lives. Let's assume that our personal and professional lives cross at some point (for some people this happens more than others). Has adoption also affected your professional life? If so, how?

Up until my reunion with my natural mom, the topic of adoption never really came up.  Oh, sometimes I'd mention it if it somehow came up in conversation and would inevitably get the "Oh, that's so cool!" comments.  And because I was so firmly ensconced in the fog, I'd smile and agree.  After all, I was chosen..I was special!

Gag.

After I was found and realized that it was okay to express my displeasure and confusion over being adopted, my tune changed..especially after I started sharing some of my reunion with my friends and coworkers at my job.  After my first face to face with my mother and sister, I emailed some of the pictures to the people who asked to see them the next day at work. 

Check out this picture:

That's my sister in the pink and me in the black sweater

So, after I sent the pictures to my coworkers, one of them emailed me.  Except, she wasn't trying to email me, she was trying to send a message to one of my other friends.  She said, "Is it just me, or does Christina look miserable in the pictures?". 

Yeah, I think my feet didn't even hit the floor before I made it over to her cube to confront her.  She backpedaled and tried to say that she was just concerned for me.  That she was old school and that mothers just don't give up their children and then come back into their lives years later.

Well, you obnoxious cow, my mother did come back. 

I learned quickly to only share my story with those who asked about it.  Just because I knew that it was a wonderful thing, didn't mean that everyone would "get it".  It was enough that I did. 

Kicking Things Off ~ NaBloPoMo ~ November 1

 

As I said yesterday, I'm going to fight through the writer's block I've been experiencing for a long time to blog this month...every day. By the time November's over, you're all going to be hoping for me to go trotting off on another hiatus..haha.

National Adoption Awareness Month...what's it actually for?

Against my better judgment, I turned to Google. ::thud::

I found this site.

What I find most disturbing is the picture of the smiling expectant woman next to a picture of a judge with an adoptive couple and a baby.

Seriously? To portray a woman, ready to pop from the looks of it, smiling and happy and ready to give her child to the highest bidder is just horrible. It hurts my soul.

November to me is the big ramp up to Thanksgiving. I give thanks every day for my family and friends. It would never enter my mind to give thanks for adoption. At its very core, adoption is based on loss. The loss of one's identity...the loss of one's natural parents and heritage. It's not a cause to be celebrated...unless of course, you're the adoptive parents who get the child of a happy, smiling woman.

Tomorrow I will jump into the prompts that were provided over on the Lost Daughters site.

I'm In!

I am still a member of the Lost Daughter's collaboration...no, really!  I know I have slacked horribly with posting there, and here on my personal blog for that matter.

That all changes tomorrow.  I'm going to make a real effort to join up with my wonderful adoptee lady friends to post every day.  We even have prompts to help us along so there goes my number one excuse!

Stay tuned for tomorrow.  :)

My First Post At Lost Daughters

I have started a list in the right sidebar of my Lost Daughters posts for easy access. 

I published my first post this morning, but for those of you who are lazy on this Friday afternoon and are too tired to scroll over and click in the sidebar, here's a quick link for you. ;)

The Other Side Of The Fog

Lost Daughters ~ Spread The Word

After being away from blogging for a few (okay, many..I know, I know...naughty Christina) weeks, I came back to the Adoptee Blogosphere with a renewed passion for writing. 

I count myself lucky to be part of a new blog that Amanda at The Declassified Adoptee started.  It's going to be written entirely by female adoptees...and I can already feel my creative juices flowing.  I just drafted up my first post and it was just so cathartic to feel a part of something...anything...again.

The blog countdown is on.  Just two days off until the kickoff.

Please help spread the word about Lost Daughters!