Unreal

After I had my daughter back in 2000, I couldn’t imagine loving anyone as fiercely or as much as her.  She was amazing (still is, but I’m biased..lol) and I cherished every moment of her babyhood and toddler years, even when the Terrible Two’s hit with a scary vengeance.  Then I became pregnant with my son…and rather than have to make room for him in my heart, I was in awe of the way my heart expanded and multiplied a thousand-fold for this new tiny being.  Having grown up in a household where love was considered a privilege and not something to be given out freely, I didn’t understand the “Love multiplies” phenomenon until I experienced it firsthand.  I don’t love one of my children more than the other.  I just love. 

Perhaps that’s why I get so frustrated when I read adoptive parents getting angry and proclaiming, “WE’RE her parents!  We are raising her..we are the ones who take care of her on a daily basis!  Us!  We!  Me!  Me!  Me!”.

Why is it that as parents, we can say, I don’t love one of my children more than the other…but when it comes to children having more than one set of parents, as do all adoptees, or children whose parents have remarried, or in the case of my children, have a man (my fiancé) who has been in their lives almost forever, suddenly there is a contest for who is the best.  Why can’t we just agree that love is love is love is love and get on with life?

Quiz Kid

I happened upon this blog today.  In poking around, I came across some questions that the blog author had asked of some of her adopted friends.  I decided to answer the same questions and am going to comment on her blog so she knows that there is at least one adoptee who thinks that adoption isn't the best choice for a child.

1. How old were you when you were adopted?

I was six days old..June 25, 1974.

2. How were you told you had been adopted and at what age?


I always have known...my baby book was even tailored for adopted children.

3. Were you ever spoken to in a negative way about being adopted by friends, classmates or family members?

My adoptive mother told me on more than one occasion that she wished she could "send me back". 

4. How did you handle questions or comments about your adoption?

A few years ago, when I was still in the "Adoption is all rainbows and sunshine" fog, I would have told them that it was great and that everyone should do it...that was until I started really remembering the abuse and the pain of my childhood.

5. Did you ever seek out your birth parent(s)?

No...I always wondered about them though.

6. Were your adoptive parents supportive of your decision to meet or to find your birth parent(s)?

My adoptive father is dead...Satan rest his soul.  My adoptive mother pretended to be supportive, but she is completely defensive and possessive now.

7. What made you want to find your birth parent(s) or to meet them?

My natural mother found me via Myspace...and contacted me on July 11, 2008.  As soon as I read her email to me, I knew that a hole in my heart, the existence of which I had denied for my entire life, was finally filled.

8. Has adoption affected you positively or negatively?

Definitely negatively...I'm a lost soul...and it's only through therapy that I'm really starting to integrate all the abused pieces of me into one.

9. Do you have siblings? Biological or adopted?

I have a 39 year old adopted sister, a 26 year old natural brother and a 23 year old natural sister.

10. If you have adopted siblings, was it beneficial to have someone you could relate to?

My adopted sister and I went through a war together..and can look back on the situation and realize how crazy and horrible it really was.  She's one of my best friends and I'm glad I have her..

11. Do you view adoption in a positive light?

No.  It rips apart families and causes a lifetime of pain.

12. Would you like to adopt? Why?

No...I wouldn't want any child to grow up feeling the pain that I felt.

13. Any advice for adoptive parents whose children may be experiencing negative feelings about being adopted?

Don't plan "Gotcha Days"...don't ever make the adopted child feel like they need to be grateful, or that they saved you from infertility...don't paint adoption as a wonderful thing...embrace the fact that your child will feel the loss of their natural families for the rest of their lives.

14. What would be your number one piece of advice for adoptive parents?

Don't adopt just because you cannot have biological children of your own.

15. Anything else you would like to share? Anything prospective adoptive parents or those who have already adopted should know?

Even if you give your adopted child the "best life" ever...they will still feel loss.  Doesn't matter if they have a huge bedroom, a swimming pool or a pony in the backyard.  Their hearts will ache.

Lloyd

Lloyd is my nfather's last name. I keep rolling that around on my tongue, tasting it, feeling it…and it feels odd. What is this man like with whom I share part of my genetic makeup?

My nmom has told me he wasn't nice…was a cheater, a liar…sent back the letters she'd sent him, telling him about my pending birth. And yet, I'm intrigued. Which is why I asked my nsister to ask her for his last name. I know his first name, and know that Madelyn is apparently the spitting image of him. And since she is the spitting image of me, I must look like him too. I know for sure that he's the reason I'm so short (5'3") compared to my "little" brother (6'5") and sister (5'9"). Beyond that, he's an enigma. Rumor is that he spent time in prison for running a chop shop somewhere in the mid atlantic states…but googling his name has left me empty handed.

Truthfully, growing up, I never really thought about him. Only dreamed about my nmom…wondering if she was out there somewhere, wishing on the same stars I did. Odd to realize that I didn't particularly care one way or another about who the other part of the equation was…Mother + Father = Christina.

Of course, my equation changed the instant I was adopted. Suddenly it became A(Mother + Father) + ASister -N(Mother + Father) = Christina.

Difficult to put into words what the subtraction of my nparents has meant in my life. I know that a lot of adoptive parents reading my blog don't really understand what that loss actually means in terms of their own adopted children…but I can tell you from experience that simply deleting the N(Mother + Father) from their life equations won't erase the haunting thoughts that may one day return…exponentially.

Inspired

I have to be honest, sometimes I have a really difficult time reading some of the articles on Grown In My Heart's website.  Really difficult.  But other times, I can see that they are trying to include us adoptees in their discussions and it gives me hope.

Imagine my surprise today when I opened my Google Reader and saw that GIMH had updated their list of the 101 Best Adoption, Loss and Fertility Blogs and saw my blog..this blog..included with a lot of the blogs that I already follow.  I'm honored..truly. 

I hope that you'll stop by the post and read some of the blogs that are mentioned there...(not just mine, although I'm really glad that you read my blog and hopefully take something meaningful away from my words)...it's crucial that everyone knows where the other members of the Adoption Triad stand.