Unreal

After I had my daughter back in 2000, I couldn’t imagine loving anyone as fiercely or as much as her.  She was amazing (still is, but I’m biased..lol) and I cherished every moment of her babyhood and toddler years, even when the Terrible Two’s hit with a scary vengeance.  Then I became pregnant with my son…and rather than have to make room for him in my heart, I was in awe of the way my heart expanded and multiplied a thousand-fold for this new tiny being.  Having grown up in a household where love was considered a privilege and not something to be given out freely, I didn’t understand the “Love multiplies” phenomenon until I experienced it firsthand.  I don’t love one of my children more than the other.  I just love. 

Perhaps that’s why I get so frustrated when I read adoptive parents getting angry and proclaiming, “WE’RE her parents!  We are raising her..we are the ones who take care of her on a daily basis!  Us!  We!  Me!  Me!  Me!”.

Why is it that as parents, we can say, I don’t love one of my children more than the other…but when it comes to children having more than one set of parents, as do all adoptees, or children whose parents have remarried, or in the case of my children, have a man (my fiancé) who has been in their lives almost forever, suddenly there is a contest for who is the best.  Why can’t we just agree that love is love is love is love and get on with life?

An Open Letter To "POWERDAD"

To POWERDAD,

First of all, for someone who is in college, you have really bad spelling and grammar.

I had to stop myself from lunging at the screen with the repeated misuse of “they’re” and “your”, not to mention the spelling errors.  But I digress.

You rant and rave about women you’ve come across on posts and forums who are asked to tell “her story”.

That’s right, it’s “her story”, not YOUR story. 

From the sounds of it, your adopted childrens’ mother was not in a good place when they were taken from her.  And I don’t think you will find many people out there (adoptees/natural mothers) who would say, “Who cares if she was a drug addict and neglected the kids, they should stay with her!”.  If that’s what you think, then you clearly aren’t paying attention.

Who are you to say, however, that the stories you read on the blogs/forums WEREN’T the truth for those women that you so nonchalantly label as “Pathetic”?  You think that investigating into the stories you have read would all reach the same conclusion of the women being “complete fuck ups”.  That's just sad.  We all live our truths.  We all have to bear the burden of what life has offered us individually.  

The probable reason for you being upset that your “dissenting opinion” wasn’t allowed through was because you may have come off as disrespectful and not thinking about the fact that you were writing about real people. 

Real mothers who have real stories.

Have a little compassion.

Sincerely,

Christina

An adoptee who has HER own story as well

But Drivel Like THIS Makes The Cut?

When I was eight years old or so, Cabbage Patch kids were huge.  We’re talking, lines out the door to get those dolls with the “authentic” adoption certificate.  The only thing that separated the dolls from actual adopted babies was that they came with their “birth” names. 

Mine was Sophia Charlotte.

The thought of Cabbage Patch kids now makes me cringe.  But back then, it comforted me to hug Sophia at night because she was adopted too…and I had to take care of her and save her from the mean adoptive mother and father who shared the house with us.

Adoption isn’t something to be joked about.  Especially when you are the one who is being entrusted to care for a child.

Please, for the love of all that is good and shiny in the world, DON’T COMPARE YOUR ADOPTED CHILD TO CABBAGE PATCH KID DOLLS.

Who am I addressing in this post?

Why, it’s one of the blogs that hasn’t been disqualified from the Circle of Moms fiasco, of course…

The link will take you to the post that I’m fired up about.  Check out the last paragraph and tell me whether that sounds supportive or positive to you.

Go ahead.  I’ll wait.

What’s that you say?  You couldn’t even get past the first sentence?  Well, here, let me help you out.

I’ve posted about this blog before.   Disliked it then…dislike it even more now.

"However, they may be justified in confusing his doll like status because with these glasses on I think he could totally pass for a Cabbage Patch Kid.  Man, wouldn't adoption be so much easier if we could just tell our kids that they sprouted from a cabbage patch?  Or even explaining child birth?  That's it.  I've just made the executive decision.  I'm erasing all prior history and until I decide otherwise, it is now official that ALL of my children came from the cabbage patch. And on that note, I've also decided that I must now go and teach my children how to dance the cabbage patch because it's a critical life skill- like math or brushing your teeth or removing rodents from your hair." ~ Megan

A million times more, in fact.

Backlash

The backlash that has been happening ever since "The Open Letter", written by my adoptee friend has been far reaching.  I haven't had any negative comments on my blog about it (yet) but I'm sure that once people realize that it's there, I will.  The thing is, from what I can tell, the bulk of the negativity is coming from adoptive parents who are offended that an adoptee is daring to speak directly to them about their truths and feelings.

It's sad really.  One of the anonymous commenters on iadoptee's blog post highlighting the letter said that she believed that the writer of the letter was full of teenage angst and that's when I started to shake with anger.  I guess I should be used to still being treated like a child when it comes to adoption...have to wait for the government to tell me that I'm allowed to have my original birth certificate after all...but to see someone take a beautiful, well thought out message and cheapen the author by dismissing their feelings as being juvenile, well, my blood boiled, put it that way.

Then came the, "well, sometimes growing up with your biological family is no picnic either..".  Really?   I wouldn't know that since I wasn't given the option to grow up with mine. 

Why does the voice of an adoptee threaten adoptive/potential adoptive parents so much?  What is the deal?  Someone?  Anyone?  Bueller?

A Must Read

One of my online adoptee friends wrote something...and I'm posting it as its own page on my blog so it gets the visibility it deserves.  I hope that many of you will post it on YOUR blogs too as it contains important messages for anyone who has adopted, who want to adopt or who have ever asked yourself, "Should we adopt?".


An open letter to APs, PAPs, and anyone who has even considered adoption

(What you are about to read may shock you. It may challenge you. And, hopefully, it may inspire you to educate yourself further on the realities of adoption. Please read the following with an open mind, and try not to take anything said here personally. Because this is not meant to be an attack or a judgment; it is meant to be an honest and heartfelt expression of one adoptee's experience that would hopefully bring understanding and respect for the often ignored portion of the adoption equation.)

To all adoptive parents, hopeful adoptive parents, and anyone who has ever even considered adoption:

Being adopted hurts. Being adopted is hard. It is not beautiful; it is brutal, it is tragic, it is a cause for great sadness. For in order for a child to even be available for adoption, that child must first go through some sort of tragedy; whether that be abuse, hunger, homelessness, neglect, or even the simple fact that he or she is losing the life and family he or she was born into. This makes adoption a thing to mourn; not a cause for celebration or joy. To be joyful about adopting a child is to be glad that this tragedy happened.

I don't think there's a soul alive who would actually choose to be born into a situation where being relinquished for adoption, voluntarily or otherwise, was necessary.

Of course there will always be a need for children to be removed from their parent(s) and placed in safer, more stable, loving homes - but please understand that no matter how good and loving and wonderful the adopting parents are, nothing will ever erase the pain, the grief, and the loss that comes with being adopted.

The very foundation of adoption is that of loss - a child loses his or her mother, father, and entire family; a mother, father and family loses one of their children. And, yes, even a loss for the adopting parent - sometimes the loss of the expectation of having their own, biological offspring, the loss of a dream of having a baby of "their own." A separation of one family MUST occur before a new one can be built through adoption. Maybe it isn't a voluntary destruction, maybe the destruction is necessary for the health and safety of the child - but it is still a destruction of the very core, fundamental foundations of that child's life that will forever be altered.

Think of it this way...one of your parents dies, and your surviving parent eventually goes on to remarry. Though you might grow to love and have a great relationship with your parent's new spouse, no amount of love and happiness in this present situation will erase the grief you feel over the loss of your other parent. So please, if you have adopted or are considering adoption, keep this in mind.

Adoption should be the very last resort after all other options have been tried. Ask yourself this - does an adoption HAVE to happen? Is there anything I can possibly do to help this young mother keep her child? Are there resources I can direct her to, items I can supply her with, can I offer her the support and encouragement she needs to be a good parent? If so, then pursuing adoption is not the right choice. Too many unnecessary adoptions happen as a permanent solution to a very temporary problem. Adoption, after all, is forever - while a current living situation, job situation, etc., is temporary and can be changed and improved. Most women who relinquish their children do so because they feel they have no other choice...but what if she does have another choice, and only needs the support and encouragement to make it?

Adopted people know we are a second choice, a "Plan B," a solution to someone else's problem. While there are some people out there who would choose adoption first, most only do so after failed attempts at pregnancy or to "complete" a family of all boys or girls or to give their current child a sibling. Adding to your family through adoption should never be about meeting some need of your own...it should always and only ever be about providing for the CHILD'S needs. Please don't put the added pressure on an adopted child by forcing them to live up to the unspoken standard of the child you couldn't concieve or the son or daughter you couldn't produce. Adoption is not a cure for infertility, nor are adopted people "gifts" to be passed around in order to complete somebody else's life. We are human beings in our own right, with our own feelings, needs, and wants. Don't add to an already painful situation by expecting us to be something we weren't born to be.

Please be willing to be completely open and honest with the child you may someday adopt. It doesn't matter how horrible of a situation they came out of; tell them the truth, and tell them early. For the truth can be dealt with, it can be processed and closure can be found; but nobody can get closure from fantasies and daydreams. Adopted people are stronger than you give them credit for; believe me when I say, we imagine and prepare for every possible scenario when it comes to our families or origin. Don't think we haven't entertained the idea that our biological parents were the worst of the worst, or idealized them as some sort of saintly creatures, and everything in between. We have already survived the loss of our original families; don't for one minute think we can't survive knowing the reason why. And on that note, if an adopted person ever chooses to search, reunite, or just know more about their family of origin, don't guilt them into not doing it or make them feel beholden to you. It has NOTHING to do with you. NOTHING. Human beings are born with an innate curiosity about who and where we come from. For some adopted people to feel whole, they need to know their own personal history and explore their roots. There's nothing wrong with that. After all, you, as the parent, are responsible for your adopted child's happiness and well being...not the other way around. Swallow your pride, put away your jealousy, and support your adopted child in any quest for truth they may wish to undertake. Believe me, they will thank you for it.

Don't fall into the terminology trap. Adoptees know they have more than one set of parents...two that created them, and the parent(s) who are raising them. ALL are real to the adoptee. Don't get caught up in who is "real" and who is more important; let your adopted child choose the terminology that suits THEM. If you have been a good and loving parent, that's all you need. Besides, a parent can love more than one child, so why can't a child be allowed to love more than one parent? The heart has an infinite capability to love. Don't begrudge your adopted child the possibility of loving people he or she may not even remember.

And don't disparage the biological parents or family either. They may be evil people, the scum of the earth...but to say anything bad about the biological family is the same as saying something bad about your adopted child. The child did come from these people, after all; and better or worse we did inherit parts of ourselves from them. The old saying applies here more than anywhere else...if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.

Adopted people experience a range of issues from having been adopted...many suffer from the fear of rejection and abaondonment, have problems trusting others and forming relationships. After all, our very mothers could walk away from us, so what's to stop anyone else? Though not all adoptees experience these, many do, and to varying degrees. Just because the adopted person in your life hasn't mentioned it, don't think they don't feel it. Many will never, ever talk about their negative adoption issues for those exact reasons...fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, and just the overwhelmingly negative response they expect. If the adopted person in your life (your child, a friend or other family member) ever does talk about it, take your personal feelings and judgments out of it. Resist the temptation to say things like, "But you had such wonderful [adoptive] parents!" or "but you could have been aborted/thrown in a dumpster/etc.!" Adoptees are the only subset of society who are wholly expected to be grateful for our very lives, and with this expectation comes the need to try to suppress any negative emotion or feeling. Most adoptees won't even admit to themselves, let alone other people, that they are hurting. After all, we got this "better life," didn't we? We don't have the RIGHT to feel sad/angry/depressed. So many adoptees choose to stay silent and instead live a lie.

And, yes, that goes hand-in-hand with the child-parent relationship thing...remember, the PARENT is repsonsible for the health and well being of the CHILD, NOT the other way around. Only in adoption are adoptees somehow expected to always be careful not to "hurt" their adoptive parents; not to rock the boat or bring up something about their adoption because their PARENTS might not like it. This is another reason so many adopted people don't speak about adoption...we are afraid of hurting our adoptive parents. I know that as a parent myself, I would never expect my children to be responsible for my well-being...so please, don't ever place that expectation on adopted people either. After all, their adoptive parents WANTED to adopt, they WANTED a child, and chose this path for themselves. The adoptee most often did not choose it and had no say in the matter. Don't expect gratitude. ANYONE could have been aborted, could have been abandoned, could have been abused. These are not phenomena that are solely related to adoptees. Just because a person was adopted doesn't automatically mean they were unwanted, that they "could have been" anything...they are just people who are being raised by a different family and are living a DIFFERENT life, not necessarily a better one.

Please, if you are considering adoption or have already, educate yourself. Read books such as the Primal Wound. Read blogs by adopted people and relinquishing parents. Go into it with an open mind and open heart. Understand that there is the very real potential that the child you someday adopt might just struggle with it. And while you can be a terrific parent, a wonderful guide and mentor, the damage has already been done. Be prepared to do the hard work of helping your child deal with any grief, anger, and other issues he/she may feel. TALK to them about it. Adoptees are notorious for keeping things bottled up...let them know it's OK to talk with you about them. Reassure them that you will NOT be hurt, offended or damaged by their feelings. ALLOW them the freedom to feel whatever they feel.

If you are considering an open adoption or have entered into an open adoption, HONOR that. Unless there is some clear and present danger to the life of your child, KEEP THE COMMUNICATION OPEN. Don't cease contact with the biological family because it's an inconvenience for YOU. Understand that yes, at times it might be emotionally trying for your adopted child, your child may come away from visits or reading letters and feel depressed and angry, but don't take that as a reason to cease contact. TALK to your child. Help them understand WHY they are feeling this way. It's only natural that this might happen; and in the same breath, the biological mother/father/family may also feel overwhelmed at times and pull back, but do what you can to keep the lines of communication open. Remember, adoption is based on loss, and being reminded of that loss can be overwhelming. But that doesn't mean it should be avoided. Your adopted child will thank you someday for sacrificing your own happiness and comfort to allow him/her to keep this very important connection.

Try not to make a big celebration out of your child's adoption day (and PLEASE don't EVER use the horribly offensive and insensitive term "Gotcha Day). The same goes for birthdays. For while it may be a happy occasion to remember, keep in mind that it also marks the day that the adopted person was permanently and forever separated from their mother, their father, their original family. Birthdays are especially hard; for most adoptees have the knowldedge that our births were not cause for celebration; nobody was bringing our mothers flowers and balloons and offering congratulations; our entrance into this world was one of sadness and trepidation. And it marks the day we were phyisically separated from our mothers; for many of us, it was the last time we ever saw her. So if the adoptee in your life withdraws around his or her birthday or doesn't appear to like celebrating, respect that. Understand that to many of us, it is not a cause for celebration.

I am not trying to tell anyone not to adopt. I am not saying, "shame on you" to anyone who already has adopted. What I am saying is, please step back and really think long and hard about the ramifications of adoption on the very person who is at the center of it all - the child you hope for or the child you have brought into your home. Be ready and willing to put a lot of hard work into helping this adopted child heal, to feel whole and complete in themselves. Be prepared to put your own needs and wants on the shelf and to put away your expectations, do what it takes to attend to the needs of your adopted child. All the love in the world, all the toys and gadgets and material things you might provide will never replace or erase what was lost.

Family preservation should always be the goal. Adoption should never, ever be utilized unless it is the last and only option left. Because adoption should be about finding homes for children in need; NOT finding children for people to fill a need. Jesus commanded us to help the orphan AND the widow...we as a society should do more to help famlies stay together instead of tearing them apart. Nobody really wants to be adopted...if given a choice, they'd rather their family situations could improve so that they wouldn't have to be separated. Would YOU have liked it if your mother gave you away?

Signed,
An Adult Adoptee  

The page is at the top of my blog, "An Open Letter".

Lost Daughters ~ Spread The Word

After being away from blogging for a few (okay, many..I know, I know...naughty Christina) weeks, I came back to the Adoptee Blogosphere with a renewed passion for writing. 

I count myself lucky to be part of a new blog that Amanda at The Declassified Adoptee started.  It's going to be written entirely by female adoptees...and I can already feel my creative juices flowing.  I just drafted up my first post and it was just so cathartic to feel a part of something...anything...again.

The blog countdown is on.  Just two days off until the kickoff.

Please help spread the word about Lost Daughters!

Have You Ever Said This?

I'm linking from The Declassified Adoptee's (Amanda <3) blog today, because I think it explains an adoptee's angst much more eloquently than I could...lol...and probably more nicely too.

"But You Don't Know What It's Like!"

Ummm, What About Adoptees?

This blogger has put out a question to her readers..specifically her adoptive parent readers on what insensitve comments people have made to them and how they respond since there's another side of things apart from what "birthmothers" hear. 

See, there's another side that she doesn't mention.  The adoptees' side.  It's not just natural mothers or adoptive parents who have comments hurled at them that hurt.


And while I know I've blogged about that before, I'm blogging about it again.


For example, after being found by my natural mom, I received comment after comment about how angry I should be that she disrupted my life. They wouldn't ask me how I was feeling about it, just asked, "Oh, how is your mother doing?".  Literally, that was the first thing people said.  Yeah, because my world hasn't just been shaken to the core or anything..::big ass eye roll::.

They say, "How can you love someone who'd just give you up to someone else like that?" but in the next breath say, "Adoption is wonderful for everyone, all of the time". It's hypocritical, don't you think?
"You could have been aborted..isn't it better that you were adopted into a family?" First of all, everyone on the planet could have been aborted. And second of all, yes..I was adopted into a family, but most of the people who say that have no idea of what that family life was like for me or my adoptive sister.

"Aren't you grateful to your parents?" If by grateful you mean that I'm thankful they didn't kill me? Then yes. They had the good grace to keep me alive. But if by grateful you mean that I should be grateful for them saving me from a horrible life with my natural family, then no. I'll never be grateful for that.

"Heritage and biology don't matter..it's love." This irks me too. How many of you have had family tree projects in school? And how many of you have had to lie on those projects and put down names and relations and the countries they came from..only to feel like a fraud after the project was done. And how many of you have had to consistently write "Adopted ~ N/A" on medical forms your entire life because you have no idea what diseases may run in your family.

My adoptive mother once said to me, "Oh, you'd better get that checked out, XYZ runs in our family."

Yeah Mom, about that...

Will You Join Me?

Since there's a lot of buzz on the internet lately about "Positive Adoption Language", I have been thinking about doing a post myself about "Things That Adoptive Parents and Potential Adoptive Parents Say That Make Me Want To Sob".

I'm going to list some of my top sob-inducers and would love to hear from all of you that read my blog about what phrases or words really boil your blood.

Email me at opphiejane at gmail dot com (also located on my profile page for easy access) and I'll post the results at a later date :)

1. Adoption is the new pregnant.
2. I may not be carrying a child, but I'm still suffering with "Paper Pregnancy".
3. I've been considering parking in the expectant mothers' spots at the stores…after all, we may not get our child for another year, but I'm still expecting!
4. Pregnant women are Breeders/Brood Sows/Tummy Mummies.
5. Our adoption was ordained by God.
6. Don't worry about the anti-adoption haters…they just had crappy childhoods.
7. I pray that the birthmother makes the right decision and gives us their baby.
8. Would you have rathered been aborted/left in a dumpster/raised by a drug addict?
9. Obviously your birthmother chose to give you a better life.
10. The birthmother chose us to be the baby's parents…the birthfather should respect that.
11. I'm offended when adoptees call their biological parents their "natural or first" parents. WE are our child's real parents!
12. Genetics and biology don't matter anyway…it's who has raised the child that matters more.

Now for what it is worth, I am not limiting this exercise to include just adoptees. If you are a natural/adoptive/potential adoptive parent, feel free to send along your own list about adoptees, or even other NP's/AP's/PAP's. I look forward to hearing from all of you!

I'm not doing this so that we all get mad at each other either.  I just realized that that was how this might all come off sounding.  I just think it's important that we all try and see things from the different members of the triad.

Adoption Carnival Six

I've been struggling these past few days...struggling with my post for Grown In My Heart's sixth adoption carnival. 

The gist of the carnival is this:

How do you handle racism? GIMH knows that some of you may not have encountered this in adoption but what WOULD you do if you were to encounter it?

I'm not really sure how to write for this topic speaking as a domestic adoptee...but I'll give it a shot.

My adoptive father was racist.  Phew.  Okay, so now that THAT is out of the way... 

My adoptive sister and I were always told that there was no way in hell that we'd "be allowed" to bring home an African American boyfriend or an Asian boyfriend...(except he used the extremely offensive terms that decent human beings don't use).  We grew up in a predominantly (by that, I really mean that there was one African American family that lived in the next town over) Caucasian area of central Massachusetts.  Looking back on it now, it was a very sheltered existence and not one that really prepared me to be a citizen of the world. 

What was ironic was that we went to church and Sunday school every week and inevitably we'd end up singing this song:

Jesus loves the little children,

All the children of the world.
Red and yellow, black and white,
All are precious in His sight.
Jesus loves the little children of the world.

Sadly, not every parent teaches their children that looking down on someone just because they look a certain way, or because, in their own minds, that particular group does some things differently than what they are used to.  And that's not fair to the kids. 

Honestly, I will never understand why we can't all get along.  Everyone's the same inside...so WHAT if we look different...everyone has a heart (although, in the case of my adoptive father, that fact is debatable)...everyone has a brain (except for some of my ex boyfriends..lol)...everyone poops (and if you're like my son, that would only be once every two days so that he 'cracks' the toilet so poor Mommy has to plunge the hell out of the thing)...everyone eats...sleeps...laughs...cries...well, you get the picture. 

I hate thinking about adoptees having to experience racism in their lives...as a domestic adoptee, I never did.  I did however get treated differently (i.e. tormented, tortured, and teased mercilessly) because of the way I looked.  And I just remember how shitty it made me feel and still makes me feel to this day.  I know it's not the same thing, but it was certainly harassment and I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

I'm raising my children to respect the Golden Rule..and to never say or do anything to someone that you wouldn't mind someone doing to you.  So far it's working...fingers crossed that it's enough.

Quiz Kid

I happened upon this blog today.  In poking around, I came across some questions that the blog author had asked of some of her adopted friends.  I decided to answer the same questions and am going to comment on her blog so she knows that there is at least one adoptee who thinks that adoption isn't the best choice for a child.

1. How old were you when you were adopted?

I was six days old..June 25, 1974.

2. How were you told you had been adopted and at what age?


I always have known...my baby book was even tailored for adopted children.

3. Were you ever spoken to in a negative way about being adopted by friends, classmates or family members?

My adoptive mother told me on more than one occasion that she wished she could "send me back". 

4. How did you handle questions or comments about your adoption?

A few years ago, when I was still in the "Adoption is all rainbows and sunshine" fog, I would have told them that it was great and that everyone should do it...that was until I started really remembering the abuse and the pain of my childhood.

5. Did you ever seek out your birth parent(s)?

No...I always wondered about them though.

6. Were your adoptive parents supportive of your decision to meet or to find your birth parent(s)?

My adoptive father is dead...Satan rest his soul.  My adoptive mother pretended to be supportive, but she is completely defensive and possessive now.

7. What made you want to find your birth parent(s) or to meet them?

My natural mother found me via Myspace...and contacted me on July 11, 2008.  As soon as I read her email to me, I knew that a hole in my heart, the existence of which I had denied for my entire life, was finally filled.

8. Has adoption affected you positively or negatively?

Definitely negatively...I'm a lost soul...and it's only through therapy that I'm really starting to integrate all the abused pieces of me into one.

9. Do you have siblings? Biological or adopted?

I have a 39 year old adopted sister, a 26 year old natural brother and a 23 year old natural sister.

10. If you have adopted siblings, was it beneficial to have someone you could relate to?

My adopted sister and I went through a war together..and can look back on the situation and realize how crazy and horrible it really was.  She's one of my best friends and I'm glad I have her..

11. Do you view adoption in a positive light?

No.  It rips apart families and causes a lifetime of pain.

12. Would you like to adopt? Why?

No...I wouldn't want any child to grow up feeling the pain that I felt.

13. Any advice for adoptive parents whose children may be experiencing negative feelings about being adopted?

Don't plan "Gotcha Days"...don't ever make the adopted child feel like they need to be grateful, or that they saved you from infertility...don't paint adoption as a wonderful thing...embrace the fact that your child will feel the loss of their natural families for the rest of their lives.

14. What would be your number one piece of advice for adoptive parents?

Don't adopt just because you cannot have biological children of your own.

15. Anything else you would like to share? Anything prospective adoptive parents or those who have already adopted should know?

Even if you give your adopted child the "best life" ever...they will still feel loss.  Doesn't matter if they have a huge bedroom, a swimming pool or a pony in the backyard.  Their hearts will ache.

Falling On Deaf Ears

I really need to avoid my Google Reader for awhile.  How many times have you heard me say that?  Lots, I'm sure..lol..and I'm sorry, but I'm repeating myself again.  I found this little bloggy nugget of "goodness" yesterday and it touched off a commentpalooza.  Read the blog and the comments and then come back.  Go ahead, I'll still be here...

::humming the Jeopardy theme song::

Back?  So, I'm curious to hear your thoughts.  I'm throwing it out there.  Am I off base for being offended by the talk of trivializing first parents?  Am I off base for being offended to hear that adoption doesn't cause loss?  I have to be honest, towards the end, I WAS practically begging for them to listen to the voices of the adoptees, but I know in my heart of hearts, that that is a pipe dream. 

But there was a moment when I was sitting there, reading the comments of my fellow adoptees, and commenters that I didn't even know, that I felt surrounded by warmth.  They are the ones who "get it".  And many of the adoptive parents that read this blog "get it".  I'm not a hater.  I may not agree with everyone all the time, but I'm not a hater.  And to read the comments on that blog saying that the potential adoptive parents should simply ignore the negative stories and anecdotes and comments just really hurt me to my core.

I retweeted some of the tweets that Noel, her husband, and one of their friends posted.  Most memorable was this, posted by one of their minister friends:

"Don't know why people think they have to be heard.."

That one phrase really struck a huge nerve with me.  For my entire life, I've been stifled.  Been told that my opinions don't matter...been told to keep my mouth shut and just take whatever is thrown my way.  Well no more.  Fuck that.  I'm tired of being silenced.  You don't have to agree with me..but you should have the common decency to listen.

The blog author's husband ridiculed me for sharing anecdotal stories in response to his questions...but then when those that agreed with them shared stories, it was all good.

Peggy did nail it on the head though with the following quote:

"Sometimes the road to someone else's Hell is paved by your good intentions..." 

So true. 

Lloyd

Lloyd is my nfather's last name. I keep rolling that around on my tongue, tasting it, feeling it…and it feels odd. What is this man like with whom I share part of my genetic makeup?

My nmom has told me he wasn't nice…was a cheater, a liar…sent back the letters she'd sent him, telling him about my pending birth. And yet, I'm intrigued. Which is why I asked my nsister to ask her for his last name. I know his first name, and know that Madelyn is apparently the spitting image of him. And since she is the spitting image of me, I must look like him too. I know for sure that he's the reason I'm so short (5'3") compared to my "little" brother (6'5") and sister (5'9"). Beyond that, he's an enigma. Rumor is that he spent time in prison for running a chop shop somewhere in the mid atlantic states…but googling his name has left me empty handed.

Truthfully, growing up, I never really thought about him. Only dreamed about my nmom…wondering if she was out there somewhere, wishing on the same stars I did. Odd to realize that I didn't particularly care one way or another about who the other part of the equation was…Mother + Father = Christina.

Of course, my equation changed the instant I was adopted. Suddenly it became A(Mother + Father) + ASister -N(Mother + Father) = Christina.

Difficult to put into words what the subtraction of my nparents has meant in my life. I know that a lot of adoptive parents reading my blog don't really understand what that loss actually means in terms of their own adopted children…but I can tell you from experience that simply deleting the N(Mother + Father) from their life equations won't erase the haunting thoughts that may one day return…exponentially.

Inspired

I have to be honest, sometimes I have a really difficult time reading some of the articles on Grown In My Heart's website.  Really difficult.  But other times, I can see that they are trying to include us adoptees in their discussions and it gives me hope.

Imagine my surprise today when I opened my Google Reader and saw that GIMH had updated their list of the 101 Best Adoption, Loss and Fertility Blogs and saw my blog..this blog..included with a lot of the blogs that I already follow.  I'm honored..truly. 

I hope that you'll stop by the post and read some of the blogs that are mentioned there...(not just mine, although I'm really glad that you read my blog and hopefully take something meaningful away from my words)...it's crucial that everyone knows where the other members of the Adoption Triad stand.

Adoption Carnival Five

I'm joining in the Grown In My Heart website's Adoption Carnival again.  This time it's all about Adoption Reform and what it means to each person.  Here are my thoughts...

Honestly, I've always "talked the big talk" when it comes to reform. Always advocating for it, but never doing anything about it. Hypocritical much? Maybe. I think I've always just figured that others will do it for me…and never took the initiative.

Recently, I decided that it was time for me to stop pussyfooting around the issue of adoption reform and help out my fellow adoptees (and other sympathetic natural parents and adoptive parents) by getting involved. I'm going to be researching the adoption reform laws for my home state and compiling a "report" that can be used to forward the cause.

I want every adoptee to have equal, unfettered access to their original birth certificates. I find it horrifying that it's possible to change a birth certificate to show two unrelated people as having genetic ties to a child. It's just not right. Since I know that for now, adoption is a necessary evil, I'd rather see a separate legal document showing that the child has been adopted, rather than falsifying another legal piece of paper.

I want every adoptee to have equal, unfettered access to his/her medical history. If I hadn't been reunited with my natural mother and family, I would have NEVER KNOWN that Alzheimer's Disease runs in my family…that cancer is part of my history and has claimed many of my family members. Imagine yourself going to the doctor's office and for 34 out of 35 years, having to write down that you have no clue about your medical background and seeing the doctor write down "Patient Is Adopted..No History". No history?? But in actuality, there IS history…I'm just not allowed to know it.

My wish list for reform is endless…and the challenges ahead many. It's a daunting task that faces the Reform Warriors…but I'm proud to say that I'm standing up and standing proud and am ready to face the battles ahead.