Dear Dads

Dear Adoptive Father,

You ruined me.  I was an innocent child and you completely and utterly ruined my childhood.  Many times I’d cry myself to sleep, trying to figure out how you could be so loving one minute and such a fucking monster the next.  Did you think it was funny to lay down on the floor in front of the bathroom when I was using it, wiggling your fingers under the door pretending like you were going to come in?  Yeah, not funny.  My screaming for you to stop only made you antagonize me further and I’d hear you laughing as you walked away.  To this day, I have to lock the door to the bathroom and turn on the overhead fan, even when I’m home alone, to drown out the memories and the screams of a little girl.

Many a Saturday morning I’d be watching cartoons while Mom and C (asister) went out shopping and you’d come in the den, stand in front of me while facing the television and pull down your pants, shaking your ass in my face.  Again the screams for you to leave me alone…again the laughter. 

Then there were the times you’d flip the switch and get angry.  You’d turn into a monster and scream at me like Mom always did…calling me a piece of shit on more than one occasion.  Telling me to stop eating because I was getting fat.  Is it any wonder I ended up with an eating disorder? 

Then there are the memories that are still hidden.  Those nights that I’ve flashbacked to…but only just far enough to know that things had gone horribly wrong on some level and I truly wasn’t innocent any longer.

I have tried to find forgiveness in my heart for you, but all I feel is…nothing.

Dear Natural Father,

It’s been almost a year since we were reunited.  The day I got a response to my letter to you was amazing.  I totally believed you when you said that you couldn’t wait to share your life and family with me.  Why would I have thought any different?  After all, my reunion with C (natural mom) and her side of my family tree had gone swimmingly and I felt completely accepted and loved by each and everyone I’d met.  You’d think I would have learned by now not to trust anyone.  Shame on me.

I sent you a Father’s Day card.  You responded that it was the best Father’s Day card ever.  I think I had hoped that you would have realized that Father’s Day was also my birthday but was willing to let that slide.  I knew you were busy taking care of your wife’s grandson because his mom was going through a hard time and I didn’t want to come off sounding bitchy, but really, I was/am hurt.  I just want to be accepted. 

Fast forward through June and July and C happened to ask me how things were going between us.  I made excuses for you, saying that you were really busy and couldn’t really talk.  In actuality, I had no idea what was going on, just that you had stopped writing.  I dropped you a message on July 27, C dropped you a message a few days later and I finally got a response on August 1.  Telling me that nothing was wrong, the dead air between us had nothing to do with me.

What the hell am I supposed to think now?  It’s been four and a half months now with no correspondence whatsoever.  I guess I was hoping you’d at least have the balls to tell me that it was too much for you, that you’d rather not have a relationship with me, now or ever.

The revengeful, bitter adoptee part of me is seriously considering closing the FB account I started specifically so we could be in touch because I’m so fucking angry. 

The scared, rejected adoptee part of me is worried you wouldn’t notice.