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Five.

It's been five years to the day since I opened my Myspace inbox and read the email that would change my life forever.  I can't believe that much time has passed.  So much has changed for me.

I found out that I have younger siblings.  I was always referred to as the "baby" of my adoptive family.  Now,  I am the big sister of a sister and three brothers.  Craziness.  I never really put much stock in the birth order bunk, but it really makes me wonder if I would have been different being the oldest child rather than the youngest.

I found out where I got the dark circles under my eyes and why I started going gray/white haired in my early twenties.  I no longer had to look in the mirror and wonder who I looked like.  It was singlehandedly the most awesome and unnerving thing at the same time.  Sometimes in the early days of reunion, I had to pinch and remind myself that I DID know who I looked like now.  I DO know who my mother is.

I found out my birth story.  When my kids' birthdays roll around, we spend at least a half hour reminiscing and talking about the day they were born.  I can tell Maddie that her Auntie Cindy drove me to the hospital after my water broke and was able to hold my hand while I breathed, while driving a standard and timing my contractions.  That she pushed a little old lady out the way so I could lean on the wall in the hospital so I didn't pass out from the pain.  That it only took three pushes for her to make her entrance.  I can tell Chase that he was born on his due date after having gone to the doctor's earlier that day to make an appointment for induction two days later.  That they had to vacuum his fat head out of me while five residents stood around my bed since it was teaching night at the hospital..(sigh).  I'd never had that.  I'd bought into the story that the six days before I was adopted didn't mean anything.  They mattered.  I know that now.  And now I also know that I was born at night after being told my whole life that I was born at 9:03 in the morning.

I know why I am so clumsy.  Nature vs. nurture.  I am the girl who can trip on a perfectly flat surface.  I blame it on air bubbles on the ground.  My sister, mother and brother are just as clumsy...not to mention my kids.  Maddie broke her foot right before kindergarten by tripping on a chair.  My grandmother had to have a note from the doctor sent to the school when my mother was young, telling them that the bruises she had were from being a klutz, not from abuse..lol.

My mother, sister and I all have cysts on our heads.  Luckily we all have really long hair so you can't tell but it's nice to know I'm not alone.  My adoptive sister used to tell me that I was growing horns.  ::slow clap::  Good one.

Want to know another fun fact I found out when my mother and I started communicating via email?  We both use "..." a lot when we write.  I noticed that right away...and it made me cry.  It truly is the little things.

I would be remiss if I didn't mention that four years ago today was the day my sister's fiancee passed away from an overdose.  I think that's when I knew that I was needed and wanted by my natural family.  After I got the news from Cate, I drove an hour and a half to their town and was able to spend that night holding Cate as she fell into an exhausted sleep.  My mother had pulled me aside and told me, "No matter what doubts you have had about being a big sister...know that you have done an awe inspiring job today.".

I mentioned both anniversaries on my FBook today.  Both the five year anniversary of being found, and the four year anniversary of losing Keith.  I have been incredibly happy and incredibly sad today.

One of my natural aunts commented on my status..."Happy Found Day".  Indeed.

Oh Brother!

Back in October, I found my natural paternal brother,D.  I emailed him…but didn’t hear back.  Honestly, it didn’t look like he’d checked his FBook in months, so I wasn’t really surprised.  I looked on his friend list to see if my other brother was there, but didn’t see his name.  Hmmm..back to square one.

So now we fast forward to last week.  I checked a few of D’s friends on the off chance that one of THEM was friends with M, my other brother, and OMG.

I found him.  He’s a tattoo artist based out of Virginia.  I emailed him..trying to break the news of my existence very gently, even paying the lousy $1.00 to get my FBook email to his regular inbox instead of that stupid “Other” one.  I waited on pins and needles for a response. 

And then, finally, four hours later…

“Oh cool!!  Nice to meet ya Christina!! :-) “

I wrote back that I was so glad he’d gotten my message and that is was great to meet him too.  I haven’t written him further because I am not sure what to say.  I don’t want to scare him off.  I have a billion questions but somehow can’t seem to formulate a complete thought when it comes to this.   I want to ask about D…want to reassure them both that I’m not going to write our father about any of this because they, like me, are estranged from him.  But how to bring that up?...especially because he didn’t write back after I did… I’m feeling all adopted and shit and am not sure whether he’s truly happy or whether he’s just being kind.

AAAAAAAAAAARGH…lol.  I’m a frigging train wreck.

My Peeps ~ NaBloPoMo ~ November 12

                                                                              

Writing prompt for today: Significant Others 

Has being adopted affected your romantic relationships? If so, how? What is your relationship like with your adoptive family? Do you feel connected to your extended adoptive family (grandparents, aunts/uncles, cousins, etc.)? If reunited, do you feel connected to your extended natural family? Are there disconnects? Explain.

 

 

Because I was so firmly lost in the fog during my childhood and early adulthood, I always just assumed that my relationships failed because I wasn't good enough. I didn't realize that I was too clingy because I was so afraid of rejection and being abandoned (again). I figured that if I showed my love to the men in my life, they wouldn't leave me. But that backfired on me, every.single.frigging.time.

I'm in a "big girl" relationship now though for the first time in my life. Steven loves me even when I'm crabby and feeling unlovable. Somehow he knows just the right words to say to bring me back down to earth. He knows about my adoption stuff...knows about the abuse and can even pick up on my adoptive mother's subtle ways of phrasing things that drive me crazy. He's been there since day one of my reunion with my natural mother and adores that side of my family which makes it much easier for me to be myself around them...as opposed to my extended adoptive family.

Honestly, the only person I felt truly close to out of all of my adoptive family members was my grandmother. She never made me feel different from my cousins and I adored hearing her call me "My Little Chrissy". We'd make homemade donuts every Saturday morning when it was my turn to spend the night at my grandparents' house. It was my job to count them for her (not that she really needed me to count them, but it kept this four year old busy so she could carry on with her work. We'd spend hours at their dining room table with whatever puzzle she was working on. She's take apart a section of the puzzle so I could put it back together for her. I felt such love when I was with her. Her death from a massive heart attack when I was seven years old hit me hard. I had come to look at her as my shelter from my train wreck of a life. I even tried to run away from home when I was four to walk down the street to my grandparents' house in a foot of snow because I wanted to escape. Sadly, I knew I wasn't allowed to cross the street and ended up just standing at the end of our long driveway, looking longingly in the direction of my safe harbor...a mere 500 feet down the hill.

Every other adoptive relative, while they are cordial, make me uncomfortable. It's always been that way. Although, I had heard my parents talking about their wills one day and they mentioned that my aunt and uncle would be our legal guardians if they ever died. This is horrible, but I was the kid wishing for a freak piano to come flying out of the sky while my parents were walking underneath it so I could at least live with kind strangers instead of abusive ones.

My natural relatives have been nothing but accepting since our reunion in 2008. My aunts and uncle have told me that they never stopped thinking about me. And aside from some distant cousins, EVERYONE knew about me...and while I'm sure it was a shock when I was found, they've all said that it was like I was just away on a long trip...that I fit in perfectly with our whacked out family. I feel the same way. I've only felt unconditional love a few times in my lifetime...with my children, Steven and with my natural mom's family. I'm beginning to see that I AM lovable...I am worth something. And those boys and men that I gave my heart to all those years ago didn't get to meet the real me. I'm sad for them because I'm a pretty cool chick.

 

Such A Crock ~ NaBloPoMo ~ November 11

Writing prompt for the day: Personal Opinions Regarding Adoption

What is your opinion of adoption today? Are you in favor of or against adoption, and how do various circumstances affect your opinion? Has your opinion changed over time? If so, what caused you to rethink your former opinion? What do you think is the biggest need for change in the adoption industry or is the current model for adoption fine the way it is? 




Adoption sucks. 

To tell you why that is my opinion today, I need to backup a few steps.

Growing up, being adopted was just part of my story.  As a child I didn't have a feeling towards it, good or bad.  I mean, yes, I hated my life because of the abuse, but I didn't put two and two together and blame it on adoption itself.  I internalized it and figured I was bad and that was why all the horrible things happened to me.

Once I grew up and matured, I began to internalize things even more and thought that the reason I was given up was because I was just unlovable.  I mean, if my own biological mother didn't want me, how could I expect total strangers raising me to treat me well?  I wished I wasn't adopted, but there wasn't anything I could do about it since my mother didn't want me so I had to just grin and bear it and daydream about a better life.

Now, as a reunited adoptee, I know that I wasn't a bad kid.  My mother thought she was giving me a loving family to live with, one that she thought she couldn't give me.  Instead I was placed with monsters.  It took a long time to realize that being given up wasn't a statement against me as a baby or a person, it just was the situation I was put into.

I'm not sure if there was one specific moment where the lightbulb went off and I understood how intrinsically wrong adoption truly is.  I think being found was part of the clarity though.  In talking to my natural mother, having very deep discussions about it, I came to see that my life would have been different living with her.  I would have grown up with a younger brother and sister and an extended family that is loyal to the nth degree.  The love they have shown me since we were reunited is amazing and I often feel grief creep into my heart for the lost time.  They make me feel like I am part of the family though...even more so than my adoptive relatives that I grew up with.  The hugs come easily, the "I love you's" are frequent and sincere.  I can't put myself behind a system that would take that familiarity away from children just because the supply and demand insists on it.

I am not heartless.  I know there are circumstances in which children should not stay with their natural families.  I was abused and would not wish what I went through on my worst enemy...but why adoption?  Why take a legal document (the birth certificate) and tamper with it, changing a child's natural mother and father's names to be that of the adoptive parents?  My adoptive mother didn't give birth to me, but why then is she listed on my birth certificate?  To me, that's fraud at the simplest level.  Why not guardianship instead?  Why not give a child a home without taking away their heritage?   That is what I want to see.  That is what I fight for. 

Searching For Something ~ NaBloPoMo ~ November 10

Instead of using the writing prompt from Lost Daughters today (Reactions to Searching), I'm branching out a bit to talk about the State of Affairs when it comes to my search for my natural brothers on my father's side of my orchard. 

I've emailed my youngest brother on Facebook, but I'm not sure whether he's on his page much or whether my message has been relegated to the mysterious "Other Messages" inbox that I just found out about the other day.

I'm realizing what my mother went through after she emailed me through Myspace.  She had no idea whether I would be open to a reunion with her.  She had no clue what my thoughts on my adoption were.  Maybe I would tell her to get lost...maybe I would want nothing to do with her.

But I was open to a reunion with her, as scary as those first bits of contact were, I wanted to get to know her.  As these past four years have gone by, I forget what it was like before she was back in my life.  It's like I've always known her.  And I wanted that to be the case with my father as well.  It appears that's not to be...but I am hopeful that my brother will open that "Other Message" and contact me.

Want a peek at him?

He is the spitting image of our father.

 

 

 

 

Fingers crossed that things work out.in my favor. 

Embracing The Dark Circles ~ NaBloPoMo ~ November 9

Writing prompt for today: Becoming a Parent. Did becoming a parent change your perception of adoption or being adopted? Or did it strengthen what you already believe or feel? If you are not a parent, has watching your extended families expand (e.g. having nieces or nephews) changed your views on adoption or did it strengthen your views? Looking forward to your own potential parenthood: do you want kids, what strengths or challenges do you see in the future for yourself in becoming a parent? How has being adopted affected your own parenting philosophy?

 

Before I had children, I was constantly looking for my face and features and mannerisms in other people.  I wanted to know where I got my freckles from...or why I started getting white (not gray, WHITE) hair in my early twenties...and where the stupid dark circles under my eyes came from.

 

I'd see my friends with their parents, so similar and undeniably family.  I wanted that.  I wanted to look like my parents and sister, regardless of what the household dynamics were.  I figured if I was stuck with these people, I should look like them at least.

 

Once I had my daughter and she began to grow, it was clear that she was my clone.  Everyone still calls her my "mini-me" (even though she is now officially taller than me, God help me).  She and my son share my freckles, and Maddie shares the dark circles.  I treasure those similarities.  Both of my kids came along before I was reunited with my natural mom and it was amazing to finally "see" myself in someone else. 

 

I think that it was after the kids came that I began to question adoption at its core.  I would never have been able to give them up.  I loved them the minute I found out I was pregnant with them.  My heart was filled with happiness at knowing I was going to finally know blood relatives.  And I had created them.  Awe inspiring. 

 

As far as how being adopted has affecting my parenting philosophy, I am not sure it has.  Instead, my childhood has impacted it much more.  I realize that I'm really trying to be the complete opposite of my adoptive parents.  I allow the kids to go to friends' houses without giving them a guilt trip when they get home.  I accept that they aren't perfect and if Maddie can get a D on a test and still manage to pull her grades up to High Honors on her report card and if Chase can struggle with Math and still manage to get a C+ on his report cars, I can deal with that.  And I am proud of them.  I am protective of their safety and well being, but not overbearingly so.  I may get irritated with their behavior sometimes, but I don't slam them across the room and leave a mark in the wall from where their head bounced off of it.  I may nag them to clean their rooms, but I don't make them stay up until 3am until it's spotless and I have inspected it.  I set high expectations, but don't tell them I wish I could send them back when they can't meet them. 

 

This post seems disjointed to me.  I'm tired and my blood pressure is high tonight so I'm going to leave off for now.  Maybe I'll edit it, or maybe I won't..lol. 

 

By the way, all of the women on my natural mother's family got white hair when they were in their twenties, and Maddie and I got our dark circles from my mom's sister, Martha.

 

Whirlwind Of A Few Weeks

Have had a difficult few days with my ex…thus the silence on my end.  I should just learn to keep my fat yaptrap shut and not let him get to me but it’s really hard.  Bringing up things that he thinks happened over nine years ago is counterproductive and he even threw in some digs about my parenting skills.  Lol..at least my kids are all seatbelted in when we go on long journeys…just saying. ;)

I really do try to maintain low contact with him and his wife.  Ever since the blog comment/email debacle with the wife, I’ve kept things to myself.  

Guess I need to brush up on those low contact skills though and let things roll off my back more.

Sigh.

On a better note, had a great vacation last week with the family.  We did our normal “staycation” routine.  The Zoo, Museum of Science, Ecotarium (did a tree canopy walkthrough and ziplined down to the ground from 40 feet up…OMG), birthday pool party for my best friend’s son, a little golfing, and the annual natural family reunion at my great aunt and uncle’s house on the lake.  As much as I enjoyed myself at the fun places we went, that was definitely the highlight.  My natural mother even got my brother, sister and me to pose for the obligatory sibling photo.  While we all protested that it was cheesy, secretly, I was ecstatic.  When my brother and his girlfriend showed up, he came right over and gave me a hug saying, “Hi Sis, I’ve missed you”.  *sob*

Here is a picture of all of us…from left to right…my brother’s girlfriend, my sister, Maddie, my brother, Chase and me on the end.  Sigh.  I’d like to blame the fact that my 12 year old daughter is taller than me on the fact that she was wearing five inch platform shoes but she was barefoot.

And one more picture to make you smile…it’s of Chase on the party barge out on the lake.  He’s wearing my Aunt Janet’s sunglasses (she’s on the left) and is sitting next to my mom on the right.

Oof

Remember me?  Lol.  Sorry all.  Life has been crazy the past few weeks and I've taken yet another break.  Nothing much has changed though.  Still engaged (!!!)..still no date.  Still no contact with my natural father...still pretending not to care. 

I went to my natural mom and sister's apartment a few weeks ago so I could join them at a cousin's baby shower.  The drive out there was a bit hairy...figures it was on one of the only snowy days we've had since Halloween, but I made it.  My natural brother was visiting when I got there and it made my heart melt when I opened the door and he pulled me into his arms and said, "Hi Big Sis..missed you!".  For those of you who don't know, my brother is 6'4" vs. my 5'3" height.  Quite the difference..hahaha.

While we were all talking, I was sitting on the floor and looked over at my brother and realized he was watching me contemplatively...it was a little unnerving, I must admit.  How odd it must be for him, even after being in reunion with me for almost four years, to acknowledge that I exist and am real.  I sometimes forget myself and am always surprised when I get a text from my mom or sister telling me they love me.  I sit back and think, "That's right!  I know them!!!".

Anyway...just wanted to check in and let you all know that I'm still kicking.   :)

Oh Dear

I'm afraid that you all are going to come along with me for the ride in regards to this wedding.  After the shock has slowly worn off (!!!!!!!!!), I've started to look at websites for dress ideas and am looking into making my wedding favors myself.  Thankfully, I'm pretty crafty (and modest) as are my friends who are all on board with helping me plan this event.

My friends at work are ecstatic and are sending me links to honeymoon sites.  Hahahahaha...

Adoption related anxieties are starting already though.  This would be a lot easier if I didn't have my adoptive family and natural family to plan around.  I mean I KNOW that it's "my day"...and that S and I ultimately make the decisions about who to invite and how the day will go...but how the hell do I incorporate both mothers in my ceremony without hurt feelings on one side or the other.  I don't want it to turn into a Us vs. Them scenario.

My adoptive sister will most likely perform the ceremony...she's a minister and has her own church, so that part is taken care of.  But I don't have a father anymore.  And so the problem becomes, who walks me down the aisle?  If I just have my adoptive mother do it, my natural mother would be hurt (but wouldn't voice that to me...she would keep it to herself).  Having my natural mother walk me down the aisle by herself is out of the question unless I want to be completely disowned by my entire adoptive family.  Option # 3 is to have both mothers walk me down the aisle...which would make my natural mom happy but would piss my adoptive mother off to no end.  And lastly, I could just say "Screw it, I'm walking by MYSELF". 

Fuck.

People, I'm stressed already and the engagement is only five days old. 

Let's get ready to rumble, my friends...bring it on.

Totally Gutted Tonight

I promise that after this week is over, I'll try and get back to your regularly scheduled postings here...but for now, you're stuck with "Melancholy Girl".

Got an email from my n-mom tonight.  She wanted to know if I thought I'd be able to drive down to Delaware on Wednesday til "I don't know when". She said, no pressure...she knows it's short notice.  I wrote back, my anxiety level rising, and asked her when the funeral services were...and she replied, "Thursday".  My grandfather's wife, a real doozy and a half, decided to give the family four days to make travel arrangements to make it down to Delaware.  We have family all over the country and it's ridiculous for her to have planned this all so quickly.

So, I can't go.  I want to go...I need to go...but because of my fucking job, I can't go.  It's worse for my n-mom and n-sister because they are going to the wake and funeral of the baby tomorrow and Tuesday (again, I can't fucking go to those because of work) and then have to drive eight hours to get to Delaware. 

FUCK.  Yes, I'm swearing a lot tonight.  I don't fucking care.

The Cruelest Month

**This post may possibly be triggering re: infant death

Brian went first in early September.  A horrible car accident.  Gone in an instant.

And then just two days ago, a tiny baby...the grandson of my n-mom's best friend (who was there when C went into labor with me so many years ago) slipped from his parents' arms into the arms of the angels.

That one hit me hard because I remember going through my own miscarriage and understanding the deep pain that his mother and father are feeling.

And then tonight...as I drove home through the driving rain, my phone rang.  It was my n-sister.  My grandfather passed away this afternoon, right before she called me.  I was driving on a highway so I couldn't pull over...had to just keep driving...so I could make it to the gas station parking lot and lose my shit.  And I did...lose my shit I mean. 

This is a picture of the family as we gathered in Delaware to celebrate his 80th birthday in 2009 that first weekend together...

My grandfather's first words to me when I met him were: "You're so pretty..." as he held my hands. 

I just saw him in May...and I knew it would be the last time I did.  I'm in a deep state of grieving right now and am not really sure what to do with myself.

Highs And Lows

Today is my birthday.  My adoptive mother woke me up at 7:00am to wish me a happy birthday.  It was nice but I probably would have appreciated it more two hours later..lol.

And then I got a text message from my natural mom.  She's far away in Delaware with my grandfather and it's hard to not be able to take off for the day to go see her.

This was the message:

I can't believe I'm so far away again on your birthday...
hoped this would never happen again. :(
I love you like crazy and miss you like crazy!!
I hope you have a wonderful birthday my dear firstborn...
sat in bed this morning and re-lived the day you were born.
(We spent the day at the beach...you didn't tan that day either).
As soon as I get home...a weekend is in order!!!
You are everything a mother could ask for and I'm blessed to have
you in my family, life and world.
Have a perfect day my perfect daughter!
Happy Birthday!
XOXO

Thankfully Steven and Maddie were still sleeping so they didn't watch me fall apart on the couch after reading the text.  I sobbed and sobbed...feeling cheated out of so many years of having a mother.

And from my natural father?  Nothing.  Not a word on Facebook.  I know that he and his wife have her four year old grandson spending time with them right now but I had kind of psyched myself up for a call or an email.  But, nothing.  I mailed the Father's Day card I'd bought last Thursday so he'll probably get it within a few days.  I'm wondering if he'll even realize it was my birthday.

My favorite part of the day had to be watching Steven open his Father's Day gift from me and the kids.  I got him a set of golf clubs...now he can actually play with the big boys instead of being a pro on Wii Golf.  Technically, he's not a father...but to my daughter, he's a loving stepfather and to my son, he's his "other" dad.  He's all that a father should be...and deserves all the recognition that Father's Day affords.

Thank you all for the birthday wishes here on my blog and on Facebook.  I love you all for making my day special.



Like A Brand New Hoover...

I completely and utterly suck big dustballs.

You’ve heard all the usual excuses….work, kids, life. It’s more like avoidance, fatigue and irritation. Those are the reasons I’ve been gone so long this time. Sad that there was a “this time” again..but there it is.

Went on a road trip with my mom and sister (both of the natural persuasion...and for the purposes of this story, since I have no intention of discussing my adoptive mother on this post, I’m leaving off the “n” in front of mom and sister but they are who I’m talking about).

We drove down to Delaware to visit my grandfather…I’d mentioned him in this post. It was a bittersweet weekend. Sweet because I feel like he was really glad I’d come too. On our last sit down with him, he held my hand and my sister’s hand and just looked from me to her, smiling. At the end, we both hugged him…he said to me as I bent over him, “I’m so glad you came to see me..”.

This trip was a bit marred though at the very start. My mom and I had gone to a restaurant for dinner the night before we left for Delaware and while we waited for my sister to arrive we had a very revealing, and painful conversation.


C (mom): So, I found something out from P (natural dad) the other day.

Me (questioning look): What did he say?

C: Well, he told me why he’d broken up with me before my family moved back up North from Maryland.

Me: I thought he was cheating on you…

C: That’s what everyone else told me…but he said that the real reason is that my dad told him to. He didn’t want both me and M (mom’s sister, my aunt) to stay behind. He knew he couldn’t stop M but wanted to make sure I came back with them. He told P to break up with me and to not contact me anymore.

Me: …..Oh my God.

C: P told me that he’d never stopped loving me..that he’d imagined we’d be together forever. I keep thinking how different things would be if I’d stayed and we hadn’t broken up. (She looked at me then with the saddest eyes I’ve ever seen…which is when my eyes began to well up.)

Me (after a long pause): But we wouldn’t have C and G (my sister and brother). I can’t imagine not having them in my life…and I know you can’t either.

C: I know..I just thought you should know. I love you Christina.

Me: I love you too.


My sister arrived at that moment and the tears dried up quickly but that conversation has haunted me ever since. Especially going to visit my grandfather. I know in my heart of hearts that he meant well at the time…but would he have made the same choice if he knew that C was pregnant with me?

I know it’s unhealthy to play the “What if?” game but I can’t help it this time.

I’ve missed you guys. I need you…and I need this blog. Clearly trying to work through this crap on my own isn’t doing me any good.

Good News and Horrible News

Let's start with the good news, shall we?

Friday night I had written my ndad on Facebook and in the course of us "talking", he asked me for my phone number again because he'd misplaced it.  No big deal, I wrote it and pressed send.  Not two minutes later, I got a response.

"Great, thanks!  I'm off to bed since I have to get up at 3:45am but I'll call you tomorrow night around 7:30...love you Dollface..."

My heart stopped.  Did he just say he was going to call???  Me???  Holy crap.

And so, at 7pm last night I went for a drive and tried to calm myself down.  Drove around town...freaking out.  Watched the clock on my car's radio obsessively...counting down the minutes.  And then...7:30 came.

And went.

No call.

I drove around for another fifteen minutes and headed home.  Got things ready to color Easter eggs with Steven and the kids and then at 8:15 just as I was pouring the vinegar into the egg cups my phone rang.

It was my father's wife.  Apparently my dad had had to work at the prison and there had been an escape so because he's on the Emergency Response Team, he'd had to work late.  He'd been frantic when he realized he wasn't going to be able to call me on time and had asked her to call me to tell me that he hadn't forgotten and that he was on his way home soon.  We chatted for a few minutes and hung up.

We colored our eggs and just as I'd finished my last one, the phone rang again.

The call was a bit awkward...neither of us really knew exactly what to say but it was enough for me to finally hear his voice.  And at the end of our twenty minute conversation, I heard the words that both lifted my spirit and broke my heart...

"I love you sweetheart..."

Steven couldn't wait to hear all about it and I told him what had been said.  And I said, "You know, it's like I finally have a father after 36 years...amazing."

Unfortunately, the horrible news now.

Yesterday my nsister came out to visit for a few hours before she headed off to an 80's party with her friends.  We had a bit of bonding time since I had to go to the store to "help" the Easter Bunny out and dragged her along.  As I drove to the store, she turned down my radio and said, "I have to drop a bombshell on you now...Mom was going to email you last night but I told her I'd talk to you today since you should hear this face to face from one of us.  Grandpa's only got three to six months to live...his heart is giving out."

I put on a brave face and we talked about driving down to Delaware to see him before he gets much weaker..but truthfully, I wanted to just pull over and cry.  I barely know my grandfather...and now, my time is limited. 

I met him for the first time back in March of 2009 when I traveled down to his 80th surprise birthday party with my nmother, n-uncle and sister and met the rest of my relatives too.  I remember walking into the restaurant that first night of the trip..watching my mother lean in and whisper to him that she'd brought Christina.  His face lit up and he searched the family for my face.  I stepped forward and gave him a hug...he hugged me back and said, "You're so beautiful...I'm so glad you're here". 

It hurts that I'll have to say goodbye before I've really had a chance to say hello. 

Poking My Head Back In

The longer this blogging hiatus has gone on for me, the greater my anxiety and depression have been.  You'd think this would have catapaulted me back to writing on a semi-regular basis, but noooooooo...not this girl.  Instead I shied away even more....

So what's been going on in my life?  Errr, that question should probably be, what have I been dwelling on in my life... 

~ Made it through another Quarter End at work...with most of my sanity intact.  I'm struggling to find real purpose in what I do though and that's causing me stress.  I hate my job...but I need my job...and that just makes me hate it even more.

~ Even though Steven hasn't proposed yet, I know it's coming eventually (heard from a reliable source) and it's stressing me out not to know when.

~ My son's father is now almost $6,000 behind in child support and arrears and while I make good money at the-job-that-I-hate, it makes me really sad for Chase.  Not that he knows any of the money aspect of things..not at all...but it's not really about the money...it's about respect and being responsible for a child.  (Sorry Ex'sWife if you're reading this, but it's my blog and I can only hold my tongue for so long before I blow like Mt. Vesuvius.  I'm mad and have been really working on forgiving Son'sFather but it's difficult.  If there's one thing that I hate most in this world, it's apathy.  For heaven's sake, why can't people just give a shit once in awhile? 

~ I finally mustered up the energy to clean our bedroom.   Lol..Steven's side of the room is spotless..and while mine wasn't "dirty", it was definitely not up to par with how I wanted it to look and feel.  I want an oasis for us..a romantic place that we can go chill out in together and sadly it was more utilitarian and functional but not very conducive to connecting.  (Get your minds out of the gutter...I wasn't even talking about you-know..lol...).

~ Still corresponding with my father and his wife.  We are all friends on my third super secret Facebook page, along with my nmother.  It's quite the ragtag group...we've been asking each other questions, like a quiz kind of, to get to know each other.  Some of the questions have been difficult to ask and to answer but we're muddling through.  Haven't told my amother or asister that I've found him...or that we're in such close contact and that's just adding to my anxiety.  I know that I don't technically have to tell them...but I just feel like I should.  Why?  Because I like getting the cold shoulder from my amother.  I thrive on the abuse.

~ Lastly, I'm going to be honest here...I've been really thinking about what PP2.0 said on her blog about me.  And it's made me a bit gun shy.  I was bullied in high school...horribly...and while I want to be able to get my points across, I certainly don't want to stoop to her level of meanness.  I'm trying to figure out how to reinvent my blogging style so I don't come off like a total bitch.

What do you mean, too late????? 

Where'd It Go??? And An Update On Me

I received an email the other day, I think from one of my readers..Tina (??)..that I looked at on my phone and then promptly did something that either deleted or otherwise banished to the great unknown.  I can't find it and am hoping that Tina is reading this post and will resend the email.  ::blushes with embarassment::  Sorry!

Things are going really well with P.  We're trading almost daily emails and I'm just taking it one step at a time.  He's excited to finally have a daughter of his own and is happy to get to know me and to exchange stories about our lives thus far.  It's just so strange to say that I have a father, after my afather has been dead for seven years.  My family orchard (can't say I have a tree...haha) has grown exponentially in the past month and I'm getting used to the idea of having two more brothers to add to the branches.  I haven't asked him if they know about me yet...I figure I'll broach that subject eventually.

I'm stopping therapy for now.  I know, GASP!  Honestly, it's not because I want to, or because I think I'm "done".  One of the drawbacks of getting hired full time at my work is that I had to switch health insurances and the therapist's office I was going to doesn't take the new insurance.  I'm frustrated and can't even bring myself to start looking for another therapist because it's overwhelming to think about telling all of my crap to someone else.  Guess that means I'll be blogging more frequently to get my feelings out.  Aren't YOU all the lucky ones? 

Yup, It's Quarter End

Work is kicking my ass.  Actually, that might be a good thing...it's taking me away from fretting and stressing out about the holidays.  I mean, I am still stressed out thinking about balancing my time and figuring out how I'm going to see everyone since the adoptive family isn't comfortable being in the same zip code  room as the natural family but it'll work out...somehow.

Maddie will be with her dad and Chase will be with his father from noon on Christmas Eve til 10am Christmas Day.  My friend at work was saying, "Oooh!  Christmas Eve with just you and Steven...maybe he'll pop the question!!".  My response?  "Bwhahahahahahahahahaha!!!". 

See, whether or not Steven and I get married tomorrow or the day after that or next month or within the next few years, he's my husband already.  In my heart.  Do we have a piece of paper that says that?  Nope.  But we work.  We fit.  We're happy.  And what puts the icing on the cake?  My kids adore him.  And I'm really okay not being married.  For God's sake, if we lived in a different state than Massachusetts that had Common Law marriages, we'd already be "hitched"...lol.

Don't get me wrong though...were Steven to ask me, I'd say yes.

Holy shizznit.  I'm tired and talking about marriage...I need sleep.

I promise that after this Quarter (and Year) end is over at work, I'll be back and better than ever.  For now, I'll leave you to guess.  Will he or won't he pop the question?  :)  Inquiring minds want to know!

Okay, Okay...I Get It *Updated*

Of course you're all right. I SHOULD be the one to contact my natural father.  I guess I let the shock of it all carry me along and I ignored the little voice in my head telling me the same thing.


I just emailed her and asked her to hold off on contacting him.
 
 
You know how we were talking about "Him" this weekend? And how you were going to write him?

If you haven't written him yet yourself, can you hold off? See, the thing is, for my whole life, I've let others do things for me...because there is less chance of getting in trouble if someone else takes the heat, you know?


But now, I feel like I'm supposed to contact him myself...to let the chips fall as they may. I'll let you read my email to him before I send it...but I really think it needs to be me to do the driving on this.


Does any of that make sense? I love you and don't want to offend you by even suggesting all of this but at some point, I need to step up and take the heat for myself :)

So now I'll wait to see what she says...but in the meantime, I'm going to start drafting a letter...to "Him".


Updated on 12/6/10:  Soooo, she had already written him.  And now feels lousy about it because she's afraid I'm mad.  I did tell her though that regardless of his response to her, I'm going to write him myself.

Dad?

My natural mom and sister came out to visit for the weekend and to see Maddie sing at the Holiday Stroll in town.  My sister ended up going out to see some of her friends in the area Friday night so my mother and I got a chance to talk.

C: I found him.  On Facebook.

Me: Him?  Who, my ex?  Yeah, I found him too..haha.

C:  No, HIM.  He's in North Carolina...married, looks like he has two step-daughters.

Me:  (shocked) 

C:  I wanted to tell you before I wrote him...to see what you thought.  To see if you WANTED me to write him.  I'm not sure what he'll say.  He might end up telling me to fuck off...but I'd rather he say that to me, than to you.

Me:  Makes sense.  I guess I'd just want him to know that I only want to talk to him if he wants to talk to me, you know?

C:  (hugging me)  I know.

She showed me his Facebook profile picture.  The rest of his page was relatively private.  His wife looks a bit kooky...but whatever.  Couldn't really see details on the picture.  But now I find myself obsessed with finding out more.  I'm not sure whether he'll want to talk to me...seeing as he sent back all of C's letters and never responded to her phone calls before I was born...but maybe he's changed.  Stranger things have happened, right?

I'm prepared for whatever...just still in shock I guess. 

Ummm, What About Adoptees?

This blogger has put out a question to her readers..specifically her adoptive parent readers on what insensitve comments people have made to them and how they respond since there's another side of things apart from what "birthmothers" hear. 

See, there's another side that she doesn't mention.  The adoptees' side.  It's not just natural mothers or adoptive parents who have comments hurled at them that hurt.


And while I know I've blogged about that before, I'm blogging about it again.


For example, after being found by my natural mom, I received comment after comment about how angry I should be that she disrupted my life. They wouldn't ask me how I was feeling about it, just asked, "Oh, how is your mother doing?".  Literally, that was the first thing people said.  Yeah, because my world hasn't just been shaken to the core or anything..::big ass eye roll::.

They say, "How can you love someone who'd just give you up to someone else like that?" but in the next breath say, "Adoption is wonderful for everyone, all of the time". It's hypocritical, don't you think?
"You could have been aborted..isn't it better that you were adopted into a family?" First of all, everyone on the planet could have been aborted. And second of all, yes..I was adopted into a family, but most of the people who say that have no idea of what that family life was like for me or my adoptive sister.

"Aren't you grateful to your parents?" If by grateful you mean that I'm thankful they didn't kill me? Then yes. They had the good grace to keep me alive. But if by grateful you mean that I should be grateful for them saving me from a horrible life with my natural family, then no. I'll never be grateful for that.

"Heritage and biology don't matter..it's love." This irks me too. How many of you have had family tree projects in school? And how many of you have had to lie on those projects and put down names and relations and the countries they came from..only to feel like a fraud after the project was done. And how many of you have had to consistently write "Adopted ~ N/A" on medical forms your entire life because you have no idea what diseases may run in your family.

My adoptive mother once said to me, "Oh, you'd better get that checked out, XYZ runs in our family."

Yeah Mom, about that...