Thank Goddess It's Friday

I've been MIA from my blog for a few days...the below picture shows why.  My poor boy has a virus and has been battling a fever (was 104 degrees yesterday..!!!) and has needed all of the snuggling and back rubbing that Mummy could offer. 

Now I'm back and am struggling about whether to talk about my therapy session this week.  It was difficult.  To say the least.  And it was very frustrating.  You see, I got to "meet" the part of me that is trying to keep me safe from the trauma...in my mind's eye anyway.  I really feel like I want to talk about 'her' but every time I try and put the words down, something is holding me back. 

Hmmm...maybe tomorrow. 

I'm tired...and 'she's' tired.  After all, she's been keeping me safe for 35 years...she deserves to be a little tired.

The Power of Three

I've split myself. Okay, that might not make sense to you...but to me, it makes perfect sense.

There's "Little Cricket"...the little girl who spent the bulk of her childhood hiding. Trying to stay three steps ahead of her a-mom so that she could say the right things to avoid being yelled at. The little girl who dreaded coming home after school because it was a crapshoot. Either things would be fine, or she'd walk into a minefield...dodging the explosions of an angry woman...or the abuse of a sick man.

Then there's "Wise Cricket". She's the peaceful one. The one who remembers all the 'bad stuff'...and yet remains calm..confident. She's very courageous too. Keeping the secrets until it's time to reveal all. I've never actually met "Wise Cricket"...no one has.

The last is the "Manager". She spends her day running interference between Little Cricket and Wise Cricket. Sometimes Wise Cricket wants to tell her little counterpart all the gory details of the past..wants to pass on the wisdom she's come to acquire after the years of abuse...and it's Manager's job to keep that from happening.

My therapist is trying to help me to change Manager's way of thinking. To let her know that it's safe to pass on Wise Cricket's knowledge...so Little Cricket can heal.