My New Year's resolution is to avoid reading blogs that will cause me angst.
Number One leaves me shaking my head.
Showing posts with label AP. Show all posts
Showing posts with label AP. Show all posts
Monday, January 4, 2010
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Triggered
The newest reality television show hit ABC last night...Find My Family.
I had NO intentions of watching, but then, all of a sudden, my finger pushed the button on the remote and I was sitting on my couch, sobbing my eyes out. Not crying because of how beautiful the show was...but crying because of how it was triggering me.
Before when I was fully engulfed in the fog and not reunited, I'd watch similar shows..like The Locator and cry because I wanted that to be me. I wanted to be found...even though I refused to believe it would ever happen to me.
Watching the show last night, my heart broke for the adoptee...as I realized that she must have been feeling horrible for knowing that her parents (now married with three other children) had given her up and kept the others. How incredibly painful it must have been to hear that her parents gave her up so she could have a better life, when in looking at the natural family, she WOULD have had a good life...with two sisters and a brother.
Now that I'm in reunion with my natural family, that thought hit home for me last night. I WOULD have had a good life with my family...and it just brought out the feelings of loss that much more in focus for me.
Read the following from the website regarding the show:
"What we love about the show is that the emotion is really earned, and it's honest," said ABC alternative series/specials/late-night co-topper John Saade. "It isn't big, contrived moments. We're not looking for train wrecks."
Reunion is like a train wreck though. And pretending that it's all rainbows, fluff and sunshine is just wrong and misleading. You start out on the train, riding at a constant speed, stopping once in awhile to let others on or off at the stations. Then there's an accident..a car or truck on the tracks that causes the train to derail..for an adoptee, this could mean that you find your natural family, or in my case, they find you. Time stops in that instant and the emotions that you feel in that moment are overwhelming. Some good, some not so good. It brings the pain of having been relinquished to the forefront of your mind and you wait for the accident to be cleared off the tracks so you can continue traveling. Might not take long, or it could be a lifelong journey. Regardless of the time, it's something you'll never forget.
Jeebus. I wish I wasn't skipping therapy this week.
I had NO intentions of watching, but then, all of a sudden, my finger pushed the button on the remote and I was sitting on my couch, sobbing my eyes out. Not crying because of how beautiful the show was...but crying because of how it was triggering me.
Before when I was fully engulfed in the fog and not reunited, I'd watch similar shows..like The Locator and cry because I wanted that to be me. I wanted to be found...even though I refused to believe it would ever happen to me.
Watching the show last night, my heart broke for the adoptee...as I realized that she must have been feeling horrible for knowing that her parents (now married with three other children) had given her up and kept the others. How incredibly painful it must have been to hear that her parents gave her up so she could have a better life, when in looking at the natural family, she WOULD have had a good life...with two sisters and a brother.
Now that I'm in reunion with my natural family, that thought hit home for me last night. I WOULD have had a good life with my family...and it just brought out the feelings of loss that much more in focus for me.
Read the following from the website regarding the show:
"What we love about the show is that the emotion is really earned, and it's honest," said ABC alternative series/specials/late-night co-topper John Saade. "It isn't big, contrived moments. We're not looking for train wrecks."
Reunion is like a train wreck though. And pretending that it's all rainbows, fluff and sunshine is just wrong and misleading. You start out on the train, riding at a constant speed, stopping once in awhile to let others on or off at the stations. Then there's an accident..a car or truck on the tracks that causes the train to derail..for an adoptee, this could mean that you find your natural family, or in my case, they find you. Time stops in that instant and the emotions that you feel in that moment are overwhelming. Some good, some not so good. It brings the pain of having been relinquished to the forefront of your mind and you wait for the accident to be cleared off the tracks so you can continue traveling. Might not take long, or it could be a lifelong journey. Regardless of the time, it's something you'll never forget.
Jeebus. I wish I wasn't skipping therapy this week.
Friday, November 20, 2009
"Ordained By God"
I read a blog post today that really gave me pause...for a variety of reasons:
X... and Y..., may you always know that your Dad and I could never love you more were we to share strands of those silly things called DNA. May you always know that you became ours because you were loved and valued, by your first families and by God, and we were all chosen to be a family! I wish everyone knew what a beautiful thing God ordained adoption to be!
First off, DNA is not silly as this poster said. Unless of course, you're an adoptive parent who likes it when others tell you that your adopted child looks like you...
Just last week when I went to pick up my daughter from my amother's apartment, two of the old bitties who live on her floor were out talking to my mother. One of the women, not knowing that I'm adopted, said, "Wow, SHE doesn't look like you Barbara.." referring to me. My mother just smiled and changed the subject, but I wanted to scream at her..."OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK LIKE HER, YOU NINNY...I'M FREAKING ADOPTED!". I should add that right before she said I don't look like my amother, the other old bitty said to me, "Your daughter could be your clone!".
I spent my childhood, teenage years, 20's and early 30's wondering where I got different facial features...and now I know...it's in my DNA. I share many genetic traits with my natural family...and now, I can see that for myself. It's incredibly empowering.
As for my adoption being "ordained by God", my response to that is, what kind of God would place me with abusive parents? Not mine, so the molestation must have been ordained by your God. Not the kind of loving, caring Creator that I believe in...but whatever ::shrug::
X... and Y..., may you always know that your Dad and I could never love you more were we to share strands of those silly things called DNA. May you always know that you became ours because you were loved and valued, by your first families and by God, and we were all chosen to be a family! I wish everyone knew what a beautiful thing God ordained adoption to be!
First off, DNA is not silly as this poster said. Unless of course, you're an adoptive parent who likes it when others tell you that your adopted child looks like you...
Just last week when I went to pick up my daughter from my amother's apartment, two of the old bitties who live on her floor were out talking to my mother. One of the women, not knowing that I'm adopted, said, "Wow, SHE doesn't look like you Barbara.." referring to me. My mother just smiled and changed the subject, but I wanted to scream at her..."OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK LIKE HER, YOU NINNY...I'M FREAKING ADOPTED!". I should add that right before she said I don't look like my amother, the other old bitty said to me, "Your daughter could be your clone!".
I spent my childhood, teenage years, 20's and early 30's wondering where I got different facial features...and now I know...it's in my DNA. I share many genetic traits with my natural family...and now, I can see that for myself. It's incredibly empowering.
As for my adoption being "ordained by God", my response to that is, what kind of God would place me with abusive parents? Not mine, so the molestation must have been ordained by your God. Not the kind of loving, caring Creator that I believe in...but whatever ::shrug::
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
A Lot To Think About
Thank you to everyone who commented on my blog today. Really. I couldn't believe how many views I got, and while I certainly didn't get 200 comments to go along with the 200 views (thankfully because I'd probably be responding to them all until 2010), I did learn a little bit more of the give and take between adoptees and AP's.
I appreciate the dialogue...good, bad, indifferent...it made me think. Perhaps my brain is on overload now though because I can't form a complete thought.
Good night.
I appreciate the dialogue...good, bad, indifferent...it made me think. Perhaps my brain is on overload now though because I can't form a complete thought.
Good night.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
I'm Tired
I'm tired of being told that I need to get help for my anger towards my adoptive parents and realize instead that adoption is wonderful and such a gift and saves children who would otherwise be on the street.
Adoption is NOT a gift if you are on the other side of the Triad. You lose part of yourself by simply existing. Infertility should not be a reason to adopt...sorry to all of those who cannot have children...I am genuinely sorry for the loss you must feel, but what about the loss of the adoptee?? Your loss is solved by adoption. Our loss is CAUSED by adoption.
I am not naive enough to think that adoption will ever be wiped out of society. I know that there are certain circumstances in which the biological family cannot or perhaps more often, will not, care for the child. In those instances, the child should be placed in foster care and then placed for adoption once it's established that no biological relative will take them in. Family preservation should be the norm, not the exception.
I'm tired of having my story invalidated or negated simply by the words "Sorry your life was f*cked up, but that won't happen to MY child". Really?? Now you are the ones being naive. I'm not suggesting that every adoptee will feel the same way about things...not every adoptee will come out of the fog that they are surrounded by. And that's okay...what is NOT okay though is to assume that it won't happen. That one day the child that grew up in your home will come home and question their existence. It could happen. And my only prayer is that there are AP's out there who will question that right along side of the adoptee.
Adoption is NOT a gift if you are on the other side of the Triad. You lose part of yourself by simply existing. Infertility should not be a reason to adopt...sorry to all of those who cannot have children...I am genuinely sorry for the loss you must feel, but what about the loss of the adoptee?? Your loss is solved by adoption. Our loss is CAUSED by adoption.
I am not naive enough to think that adoption will ever be wiped out of society. I know that there are certain circumstances in which the biological family cannot or perhaps more often, will not, care for the child. In those instances, the child should be placed in foster care and then placed for adoption once it's established that no biological relative will take them in. Family preservation should be the norm, not the exception.
I'm tired of having my story invalidated or negated simply by the words "Sorry your life was f*cked up, but that won't happen to MY child". Really?? Now you are the ones being naive. I'm not suggesting that every adoptee will feel the same way about things...not every adoptee will come out of the fog that they are surrounded by. And that's okay...what is NOT okay though is to assume that it won't happen. That one day the child that grew up in your home will come home and question their existence. It could happen. And my only prayer is that there are AP's out there who will question that right along side of the adoptee.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Slice This
I'm tired today. Tired of having to "explain" loss to those who don't get it....or choose to ignore it. What isn't understood is that it doesn't matter whether the child grows up in a wonderfully loving and supportive household...there will still be loss. You can buy the child a million ponies for the backyard and throw all the circus birthday parties you want..there will still be loss.
Adoptive parents can attend every school function, every ballet class, every piano recital, every baseball/soccer/basketball/hockey/golf/track/tennis....well you get the idea...and there will STILL be loss. Yes, every child will go through an identity crisis...being a teenager SUCKS no matter how you slice it..but if you're not prepared, you will miss that your child's angst may be MORE that just teenage rage.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What amused me the most about reading the blog I alluded to last night was that the AP was very proud of having real-live-adoptee-blogs (and isn't that exciting??) on her blogroll. ::clap clap clap:: There were three. Three blogs that were probably (and yes, I'm making a sweeping assumption here, but at least I have the cajones to admit that) added just because they were the first ones she found when she googled searched.
Want advice?? Start planning for the future...now. I've compiled a list of links that she, and other APs may find helpful.
From mentalhealth.net
From adopting.org
From asian-nation.org
Direct message to Kelli: If you've read from any of the above links before, then ::clap clap clap:: (here's a cookie)...I hope that you have memorized the signs of adoptee loss because one day you'll need to recognize them in the Vietnamese child you have claimed so desperately as your own.
Adoptive parents can attend every school function, every ballet class, every piano recital, every baseball/soccer/basketball/hockey/golf/track/tennis....well you get the idea...and there will STILL be loss. Yes, every child will go through an identity crisis...being a teenager SUCKS no matter how you slice it..but if you're not prepared, you will miss that your child's angst may be MORE that just teenage rage.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What amused me the most about reading the blog I alluded to last night was that the AP was very proud of having real-live-adoptee-blogs (and isn't that exciting??) on her blogroll. ::clap clap clap:: There were three. Three blogs that were probably (and yes, I'm making a sweeping assumption here, but at least I have the cajones to admit that) added just because they were the first ones she found when she googled searched.
Want advice?? Start planning for the future...now. I've compiled a list of links that she, and other APs may find helpful.
From mentalhealth.net
From adopting.org
From asian-nation.org
Direct message to Kelli: If you've read from any of the above links before, then ::clap clap clap:: (here's a cookie)...I hope that you have memorized the signs of adoptee loss because one day you'll need to recognize them in the Vietnamese child you have claimed so desperately as your own.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Self Serving Shitweasels
I commented on someone's blog tonight...just finally got fed up with reading about how excited APs get while they buy children away from their families. Good for you! You just legally kidnapped a child! And how much did that cost you? Back in 1974, my aparents paid $225 for me..bet inflation has made that amount significantly higher.
I'm sick of hearing how great it is that this AP or that AP has "save" a child from living a horrid life. Get over yourself!!! I grew up with an amom who was the Queen of all martyrs. A part that she played very well..and one that she still plays.
One night when my grandfather was doing particularly bad health-wise at the nursing home, my amother, auncle and I were sitting at his bedside and my mother said, "Do you want to tell your uncle your news?" It was awkward to say the least. After I told him and he'd left, she said, "Well, he was probably shocked and didn't want to say too much because he wasn't sure how I was feeling about it". I'm sorry..WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY? My reunion isn't about you. For once, I have something that I can claim for my own. And that has been the best thing about it..I am finally finding myself.
I'm sick of hearing how great it is that this AP or that AP has "save" a child from living a horrid life. Get over yourself!!! I grew up with an amom who was the Queen of all martyrs. A part that she played very well..and one that she still plays.
One night when my grandfather was doing particularly bad health-wise at the nursing home, my amother, auncle and I were sitting at his bedside and my mother said, "Do you want to tell your uncle your news?" It was awkward to say the least. After I told him and he'd left, she said, "Well, he was probably shocked and didn't want to say too much because he wasn't sure how I was feeling about it". I'm sorry..WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY? My reunion isn't about you. For once, I have something that I can claim for my own. And that has been the best thing about it..I am finally finding myself.
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