Five: Holy Crap, Really? *Updated*

The blog that I'm highlighting tonight was shared with me via email and I have to tell you, I've been thinking about what I wanted to write all day.  I'll probably keep it short and sweet since I'm trying to ease myself back into the blogging swing of things but jeebus, I'm flabbergasted by this woman's reasoning.

The blogger apparently got a couple questions passed on to her by one of her online friends...so far so good.right?  The first question was innocuous enough...what has she been up to?  Nothing miraculously interesting so let's move on to the next question. 

"A new blog friend (Hi, Ruth!) read about our youngest girls' names & wondered about K'Tyo's name...where it comes from, how you say it, & what it means. I couldn't believe I had never blogged about it, but looking back, I can't find a post about it anywhere! I am blaming jet lag after we came home with him for my oversight. :o)"

Here's her response and where I realized things were seriously messed up:

"K'Tyo's name is pronounced /k/ tie-yo. Honestly, we weren't sure what we were doing about his name before leaving for Ethiopia. For us, it was hard because he was 4 years old at the time, & obviously had quite the personality."

Holy crap, really?  Ummm, not only did he have a personality, HE HAD A NAME. 

"All of our children's names begin with a "K", so we wanted to incorporate that somehow (how we got going on K's is still a mystery). His Ethiopian name is Sintayehu, which means "much I have seen" (pretty intense, huh?). We love it's significant meaning, but knew in America it would be butchered."

Holy crap, really?  So, even though the name he had since birth had significant meaning,  you figured, we'll completely change it and stick a "K" in front so he matches the rest of our brood?

Ugh.  Just...yuck.

UPDATE:

The blog author has written another post, "Why Do I Blog?" in response to my comment on her blog, expressing my disgust at another comment someone had posted and at her post in general.

I'm saving my opinions to myself because I'm in an odd place tonight and my thoughts are a bit scattered.  Read her post for yourself and tell me what you think.

"I Love Adoption" ::thud::

I'm taking a one day break from the 30 Days of Truth challenge to rant and rave about a blog I've featured on one of my Blog of Shame posts.

She's disabled comments because of the anti-adoption trolls (muahahahaha) but I wanted to just point out WHY she remains one of the top Blog of Shame authors.

She and her husband are waiting to be put on the wait list with her agency still.  But it looks like that'll happen soon enough.  Want know why she loves adoption?

Here's her most recent post.

I've copied and pasted a list she included in the post.

I love adoption for so many reasons:



*opportunity to be a mom


*opportunity to be a family of 3


*meeting AMAZING people who have or are considering adoption


*the bond adoptive parents make...it is so instant, very similar to the bond I have made with other Army wives

Clearly, in her eyes, adoption is NOT about finding a home for a child for whom there is no other option.  It's about her.  It's about other adoptive parents.

It's not about the child, Folks. 

I Am A Biological Mother

Knowing what you know about me, after reading my blog for the past year, how many of you were shocked to read the title of this post?  C'mon..raise your hands...

I am a biological mother...a natural mother...a real mother...a birth mother. 

The difference between what I mean by those terms and what some adoptive parents mean by those terms is huge.  My daughter and son have my biological DNA coursing through their bodies.  I gave birth to them naturally...I am real to them...I am their birth mother.

BUT...they were not relinquished for adoption.  I am raising them.  But that doesn't make me any less a birth mother than any of my natural mother friends or my own natural mother. 

Get it?

I read a blog post today...and it angered me.  I know, I know, you're not surprised.  Especially when I remind you that it's still "National Ripped-From-Our-Natural-Families-Because-It-Was-Apparently-God's-Plan-For-Us Month".

The blog post was about Positive Adoption Language...PAL vs. "Negative" Adoption Language.  I can assure you that what she was discussing is not MY pal by any stretch of the imagination and if you're an adoptee or a natural mother, it's not YOUR pal either. 

It just seems that the only people who have a problem with the "Negative Adoption Language" are typically adoptive parents and potential adoptive parents.  They negate the impact of adoption on their children and the adoptees that have matured into adults because it's easier on them to pretend that the child was a blank slate when they got them.  Nothing mattered before Gotcha Day...only what happened after. 

I AM adopted.  Always have been, always will be.  I was given up when I was only a day old.  And 34 years later, my natural mother made contact with me.  And then we moved on to reunion.  I'm in reunion with my natural mother and my family...saying that "reunion" is negative again minimizes the effect that it's had on my life.  Making contact is writing a letter..making a phone call...reaching out.  Reunion is a process that can't be compartmentalized into a single moment. 

I'm a little shocked that the term "adoptive parent" is offensive to, well, adoptive parents.  I mean, many of them spend a lot of time proclaiming how wonderful adoption is and how God loves adoption...wouldn't you think they'd WANT to attach that label to themselves??  To show how self-sacrificing they are to take in a child "born to unmarried parents"? 

What's even more shocking is that the blog author could write the following on the post:

"It is very important to understand the difference between positive & negative adoption language when speaking with an adoptee and/or adoptive family. Here are some good pointers."

I think that if she'd taken out the "speaking with an adoptee" part, she would have captured the essence of what she was really trying to say.

Knock Knock...

Me: Knock knock...
You:  Who's there?
Me: Nacho...
You: Nacho WHO?
Me: Nacho Mama!

For some of the adoptive mothers out there who are looking for shirts to proclaim their rightful place in the family, here you go:

Clearance Section

Sometimes WTF just doesn't cut it.

Courtesy of the Marvelous M

I just commented on M's blog and told her that she's going to be a guest Blog of Shame award writer one of these days.  She's captured the emotion and horror that we all feel reading some of the blogs that are out there in cyberspace.

Thanks M.

Think You've Seen It All?

Check out this lovely bit of vomitrociousness.

For Pete's sake, and once we all became defogged we thought Cabbage Patch Kids were offensive?

Not Only Mean But Crazy

You, yes you...my readers...are mean.  Not only are you all mean, you're crazy.   And you are ALL my personal minions.  No, really..you are.

Because SHE said so.

I feel like I should give myself a title..."ringleader" just doesn't roll off the tongue.



Yup..clearly she's right..and I'm wrong.  I have no idea what I'm talking about...and neither do any of you. 

I'm not an adoptee either, right? And she didn't really say that she wasn't going to encourage M to enter rehab before M handed over her child to her and her wife? 

Sigh.

A lovely quote from the linked post...

"These people (meaning all of us mean, crazy, disturbed people who have nothing better to do than bother this poor woman) have only served to make me want to advocate for adoption all the more! All of them are really lucky to never have suffered the devastation of infertility, miscarriage, or adoption disruption. It makes it easy for them to judge people they know nothing about."

Ummmm...try being adopted and being out of the fog.  It's no picnic either sweetheart. 

Give Me All Your Money

When my kids were little, I was poor.  Like, we're talking scrounging-around-under-the-carseats-to-find-change-for-gas poor.  After my son was born and I'd left his father, we moved in with my amother in her one bedroom apartment.  Maddie and I shared a air mattress and Chase slept in his port-o-crib.  It was difficult...and because I didn't have a lot of money, what I had went towards food and diapers..and nothing else.  My car got repo'd during that time...and I lost 30 pounds because I was making sure the kids were eating.  Chase was still drinking formula but I only ate Maddie's leftovers.  A french fry here, a half eaten bowl of cereal there.  I made do.  It was hard though..and I hope to never experience that again...

I never begged for money though.  Not once.  Which is why I find it totally disgusting that there are potential adoptive parents out there on the internet begging for donations.  They are fundraising for a child in a faraway land...just because they want a newborn or because they want to add to their family.  It's gross.  And I cannot believe that it's allowed to continue.   My aparents probably borrowed the money for my adoption (the whopping $225.00 back in 1974) from my grandparents but I bet they paid them back as soon as possible...they may have been abusive monsters but they did have the decency to pretend that they could afford their coveted children. 

I think this quote from the Ladybug Blessings website sums all of this up nicely..

"At Ladybug Blessings we understand the expenses, the love and your longing to give a child a home and a family. We are honored to have the opportunity to be a part of your adoption fundraiser process."

I'd only be slightly sick to my stomach if the word expenses wasn't brought up as the first thing to think about in regards to the problems surrounding adoption...as it is though, I may have to spend two, three or maybe ten years sitting in front of the toilet. 

To Lia

Well, how things can change after the click of the "Publish Post" button.

I guess I should have waited to see whether you actually were considering parenting your child..because that was where my response was coming from.  Judging from the comments I found out you tried to make on one of my adoptee friend's blogs, you have already made your mind up and are only looking for someone to tell you that you are making the right decision.

Sorry, that's not me.  Perhaps you should unfollow this blog because you won't get the "Oh, what a wonderful thing you are doing for your child".  You just won't. 

Telling someone to shut up because she was talking about HER mother on HER blog isn't going to make you any friends.

Lose my blog URL please.  Thanks.

More Cringe Worthy Sayings

Along with the comments that you all left on this post, I also received an email from Sandy, a fellow adoptee (and kindred spirit).  She came up with a few more phrases that I'd forgotten:

"Gotcha Day - How does your family celebrate?"...Yup Sandy, I hate that one too.  The whole "gotcha" thing always makes me think of a B-grade horror flick where the bad guy jumps out of the bushes and grabs the poor, unsuspecting cheerleader.

Forever Home - "We want to give a child a forever home." ...Yeah, one that can erase all sense of self in a single bound as soon as you walk through the door.

AP's being upset about Humane Societies using "Adopt a Pet" themes - "takes away from 'their adoptions' and is 'confusing to the child'" ...I'm STILL confused by adoption and I'm a frigging adult.

"Medical history may be nice to have but you can be proactive in how you live your life" ...Never heard this one myself, and for that I'm very thankful...::vomit:: 

Thanks Sandy...appreciate you stopping by!

Naughtiness and Titles

Not sure if I've ever told this story before...I found this out during my first face to face meeting with my nmom and nsister.


My mom had been married to my sister and brother's dad...and they got divorced when the kids were 3 and 6 years old, respectively. He was an alcoholic and had become bitter when my mom had gotten herself sober...was abusive and just an all around peach of a human being. He knew about me...(he's not my natural father)...knew that she'd given up a baby for adoption long before he'd come into the picture.

After they'd split up, he'd taken the kids for his weekend parenting time. On the way home, he said to them, "Make sure you behave for Mommy. She'll give you away if you're naughty..she's done it before..".

The kids immediately told my mom about what he'd said when they got home. She couldn't believe that he'd had the audacity to say that to them...

That was when she explained the why's and when's of my relinquishment. She was 16 years old, hadn't told my grandparents she was pregnant until her water broke..my nfather had returned all her letters unopened.

I have a feeling that my mom's ex was expecting my brother and sister to be upset with Mom. That they'd suddenly become afraid that she would give them up too. Instead, they got excited. Knowing that somewhere there was a big sister they might get to meet someday.

What's funny is that I was always told I was bad by my aparents...that if I didn't behave I'd get "sent back". Sometimes I really wish they'd followed up on that threat. Life certainly wouldn't have been as bad.

On an entirely different note, I'm still fuming over my last Blog of Shame award winner's comeback on her blog to my post. I understand that she was offended that I called her out on her warped and twisted (and entirely UNFUNNY) sense of humor in referring to pregnant women as "breeders". First of all, my name is Christina. With an "a" at the end. Not Christine. She'd like to pretend that she didn't pay close attention to what I said, but in actuality, she did read and I think the only possible reason that she'd gotten upset is because she knows, somewhere in her heart, that she was wrong.

The woman that she'll one day call "birthmother" (HATE that term..but I know that's what E will call her) to her eventually to-be-adopted child is a breeder too. And by belittling those of us who are lucky enough to be able to carry children is just ugly and again, not humorous.

Guess that's one more negative term I can add to my titles.

I'm a Bastard. I'm an Adoptee. I'm a Naughty Baby. I'm a Girlfriend. I'm a Daughter. I'm a Sister.  I'm a Friend.  I'm a Blogger. I'm an Employee. I'm a Human Being. I'm a Breeder. I'm a Mother. I'm a Woman. I'm a Survivor.

This Is What Got My Panties In A Bunch

Just in case anyone doubted me when I blogged below about 'jewinthesun'..I was able to google her site, even though it's private now, and am pasting her words for all to see...

Stork Free

The Anti-Adoption Movement

January 22, 2010

Yes, there is one, and here was my reply to one idiot’s blog posting. I can’t believe these people exist, but there’s a reason most adoptions fail:

I am usually the type of person that leaves people to their own opinons, but the vitriol in your post is maniacal at best. Sounds like you’re an extremely bitter adoptee who could use some serious emotional counseling to come to terms with your adoption. Birth has nothing to do with parenthood. For every story you throw out there, there are a hundred more of abused, unwanted children being raised by parents who had no business having children. Any state agency can tell you that. Have you ever been through the adoption process? Ever experienced infertility? Ever just decided to adopt because you wanted to give a child a better life than foster care? I don’t believe the answer to any of my questions will be “yes.” Your parents that raised you must be so proud of your disregard. Adoption is not a baby business, so it would behoove you to do some research. Adoption costs are tied to legal fees, social services, background checks. The black market baby days of the 1950’s are long over. I worked for an adoption agency, and I never saw anyone forced to give up their children, railroaded into the decision, or anything of the like. What I did see were scared young women who felt like they could not raise a child making a very unselfish decision to try and give their baby a life they could not provide. We all go through things in life in which we’re told to be grateful things aren’t worse. It’s life, and no one chose to be born. What we can do is make the best of it, and play the cards we’re dealt. You attempting to stop other people from placing their babies or people from adopting won’t change the fact that you were adopted, no matter how hard you try.

Her words really speak for themselves, don't they?  Is it any wonder I couldn't contain myself from commenting??

Somebody Slap Me...Hard

Sigh. I commented on a blog this morning. I know..I know…BAD CHRISTINA. The problem is, immediately afterwards the blog went private so I can't recall my exact words..but I did get notification that the author of the blog had commented back..with this little gem:

jewinthesun said on The Anti-Adoption Movement


January 22, 2010 at 3:54 am


How dare you assume that I may abuse my daughter? although you had a terrible parenting experience, I’m sure my daughter is better off with us than her cocaine addled father and unemployed teenage mother. What I have found as an adoptee and adoptive parent, is that those adoptees that didn’t grow up in the most wonderful of homes and don’t know their birth parents have romanticized knowing their birth parents in their heads. The truth is, they didn’t feel they could raise you. Its a sense of loss, but one you have to cope with and get over.

In response to this, since I can't comment back on the blog (and because I don't think I linked to this blog when I did comment there), I'm going to respond and just keep checking back with her to see if she's gone un-private.

To jewinthesun:


First of all, I never assumed you might abuse your daughter. Where the heck you got that out of my comment, I have no idea. My point was never that your adopted child would be better off with her natural parents…simply that she will experience loss..it's just a fact. If you as an adoptee have not experienced that loss, then I am truly happy for you…but that's not the norm for most of us. I also said that you shouldn't dismiss anti-adoption blogs because one day, your child might just be one of the authors of one of them…you should read as many of them as you can so that you are better prepared for the day when your child becomes an adult and may start to question her beginnings.

Shaking My Head Once Again

One last post on the blog that I wrote about here..I was perusing the archives of the site and came across the below entry from December 2006. 

Even way back then, it was clear that this foster/adoptive parent was not truly prepared to be parenting Danielle.

Bugging Me

Wow...At Least She's Honest...(???)

My New Year's resolution is to avoid reading blogs that will cause me angst.

Number One leaves me shaking my head.