An Open Letter To "POWERDAD"

To POWERDAD,

First of all, for someone who is in college, you have really bad spelling and grammar.

I had to stop myself from lunging at the screen with the repeated misuse of “they’re” and “your”, not to mention the spelling errors.  But I digress.

You rant and rave about women you’ve come across on posts and forums who are asked to tell “her story”.

That’s right, it’s “her story”, not YOUR story. 

From the sounds of it, your adopted childrens’ mother was not in a good place when they were taken from her.  And I don’t think you will find many people out there (adoptees/natural mothers) who would say, “Who cares if she was a drug addict and neglected the kids, they should stay with her!”.  If that’s what you think, then you clearly aren’t paying attention.

Who are you to say, however, that the stories you read on the blogs/forums WEREN’T the truth for those women that you so nonchalantly label as “Pathetic”?  You think that investigating into the stories you have read would all reach the same conclusion of the women being “complete fuck ups”.  That's just sad.  We all live our truths.  We all have to bear the burden of what life has offered us individually.  

The probable reason for you being upset that your “dissenting opinion” wasn’t allowed through was because you may have come off as disrespectful and not thinking about the fact that you were writing about real people. 

Real mothers who have real stories.

Have a little compassion.

Sincerely,

Christina

An adoptee who has HER own story as well

Trolling

Yup, apparently I'm a troll. At least according to this blogger...She actually commented on my blog last week, but apparently, the tides have changed and she grew tired of hearing that someone disagreed with what she had to say. I'm sorry for that...and I'm very sorry for her...

I'm not a troll. Just someone who has a blogsearch function on my Google Reader that searches for adoptees/adoption on a daily basis because I like to catch up on what others are talking about. I have other searches saved on Google, of course, but I just wanted to clear up the fact that I'm not actively "seeking" adoptive parents' blogs. In fact, I'd rather NOT read them, but it's like a train crash...I can't tear my eyes away. Friends will also send me links to sites that they think I might be interested in reading...sometimes I comment, sometimes I don't.

To anyone who's been offended by my comments on their blogs, I apologize for that. But I won't apologize for trying to start a conversation in the hopes of showing people my story. No, I can't speak for EVERY adoptee...but I do have a large base of friends who are adopted, and 99.99% of them agree with me and that's a pretty telling percentage if you ask me.

You can take the child out of the country, but you can't take the country out of the child.

"Ordained By God"

I read a blog post today that really gave me pause...for a variety of reasons:

X... and Y..., may you always know that your Dad and I could never love you more were we to share strands of those silly things called DNA. May you always know that you became ours because you were loved and valued, by your first families and by God, and we were all chosen to be a family! I wish everyone knew what a beautiful thing God ordained adoption to be!

First off, DNA is not silly as this poster said. Unless of course, you're an adoptive parent who likes it when others tell you that your adopted child looks like you...

Just last week when I went to pick up my daughter from my amother's apartment, two of the old bitties who live on her floor were out talking to my mother. One of the women, not knowing that I'm adopted, said, "Wow, SHE doesn't look like you Barbara.." referring to me. My mother just smiled and changed the subject, but I wanted to scream at her..."OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK LIKE HER, YOU NINNY...I'M FREAKING ADOPTED!". I should add that right before she said I don't look like my amother, the other old bitty said to me, "Your daughter could be your clone!".

I spent my childhood, teenage years, 20's and early 30's wondering where I got different facial features...and now I know...it's in my DNA. I share many genetic traits with my natural family...and now, I can see that for myself. It's incredibly empowering.

As for my adoption being "ordained by God", my response to that is, what kind of God would place me with abusive parents? Not mine, so the molestation must have been ordained by your God. Not the kind of loving, caring Creator that I believe in...but whatever ::shrug::

Who Cares...

about ME? I know this post is going to sound selfish...but maybe I need to be a bit selfish as I work through my issues and limitations. Bear with me as I might just vent a bit, or even *gasp* swear.

I love my best friend...really...with all my heart, I love her. She's funny, quirky, free spirited and beautiful, inside and out. She's also had a really hard life. And she's severely depressed. To the point of threatening to not take care of the fibroid she has because she WANTS it to turn to cancer so she can just end it all. Now, I know that you all aren't privy to her life's problems...but I am. And I know what she's been through and how much she's struggled. Trust me, she's really had it rough.

Tonight she texted me and sounded really down. Really down. And I had to use all my charm and wit to bring her back to at least throwing in an "LOL" once in awhile. What gets me is that not once did she ask how I'm doing in therapy...not once did she ask how I'm handling MY crap. Because it always seems like whenever we talk, there just isn't enough time to deal with both of our stuff. And I usually just push my emotions aside to help her.

That's how I've always been. I'm a People Pleaser. That's been my role ever since childhood...it was better to just scuttle around anticipating what needed to be done, rather than waiting to be yelled at. Sometimes I was able to head the screaming off at the pass, but more often than not, it didn't matter how hard I tried, I'd just fail. I wouldn't pass Go and I certainly would not collect $200.

Most of my friendships are like the one I have with my best friend...as have most of the boyfriend/girlfriend relationships I've had. I try so hard to be the 'good friend' or the 'good girlfriend' that I just stuff all my feelings aside...and end up being resentful. It freaking sucks. But I don't want to lose my friends...of course I don't. I just want to feel validated once in awhile. Is that too much to ask??

Sometimes I really have to wonder.

By the way...I'd like to share a blog post that my friend had passed on to me. I'm interested to hear what my fellow adoptees have to say...and also what the AP's who read this think...even if you don't want to comment on my blog, please just read it.

Here you go...

I'll try and blog about my feelings surrounding the post tomorrow or Sunday...

Self-Righteous Ninny

Remember how I said I had commented on an article yesterday? Well, I couldn't help myself today. I wish I HAD helped myself remember that I'm a better person than some of the other commenters and kept my damn mouth shut. This is what I found when I went there today.

LoveBrown said: ElenaKatherine, my dear, go to church. God will assist. Maybe you should bring your children with you. You may even want to look into some professional therapy. I prayed for you last night, and will continue to do so. I can see from your creative use of text messaging (aka: KTHXBYE) that you are young. You are also unmarried and filled with resentment. I am so sorry for your life's circumstances. I can see why you may be somewhat jealous of this writer...married, Godly, gorgeous, and presumably wealthy. I hope you decide to go to church to rid yourself of these evil emotions that so easily overcome you. Jealousy, resentment, hate, self-righteousness, these are all of the devil and you need to be healed, my dear. God is with you.

Annnnnd..this was my response..

You're just chock full of presumptions, aren't you sweetheart? Bless your cold, cold heart. I am 35 years old, work in a highly professional environment and take exemplary care of my children. Whether I'm married or not has nothing to do with it...I have been in a long term relationship for many years and it doesn't take a ring on my finger to prove that I am worthy of love. I'm most definitely NOT jealous of the writer. I'm very glad that I'm NOT her in fact because I wouldn't want to be her in several years when her yet-to-be adopted child starts questioning the loss he/she feels and she remembers the adult adoptees who tried to warn her of the feelings the child will have.

I am worthy of my God's love..and yes, I do attend church, as do my children. At a church that my sister is the minister of. So, remember what they say when you assume...

The only life's circumstances you need be sorry about are the facts that I grew up without my real parents...that millions of adoptees do not have access to their original birth certificates...and that millions of adoptees do not have access to their own medical history and family genealogy.

And before you begin calling me, or any of the adoptees who have spoken out against this article and others like it, self-righteous take a look in the mirror and realize that you're the pot calling the kettle black.

And people wonder why we adoptees are angry??

Aftermath

After therapy, it takes me a few days to recover emotionally from dealing with the feelings and pain that reliving the trauma inevitably dredges up. And instead of listening to my body and laying low, I ended up here..trying to defend my feelings to those who are seek to change my opinion of adoption. Because, after all, they know better than I do, right?

I'm only the adoptee. Only the one whose life was fucked up by the signing of a fake birth certificate and an erased medical history. The entitlement that oozes from the pores of the PAP's and AP's and even a wife of an adoptee just burns my ass...and makes me wonder what the point is anymore. They'll NEVER understand that by adopting children, they are just perpetuating the adoptees' trauma.

I'm sure that every adoptee who understands the pain that I feel has heard the good ol' phrase "I know some people who are adopted and they couldn't be happier! Get over it or get into therapy..." Really?? Or is that they are afraid to voice their true emotions because of the "angry bastard" stigma that they might be labeled with..

Therapy is helping me find my voice...and I refuse to be silent.

I wear the "angry bastard" badge proudly...because it proves to me that I CAN think for myself...I CAN form my own opinions about things..and whether I am validated by a PAP or an AP or the wife of an adoptee (gag) or not...that's okay because I am learning how to validate myself.

Just Have To Say Something

It appears to be a very distinct possibility that my ex's wife is reading this blog. I thought that I'd taken precautions to avoid this from happening, but apparently, the precautions weren't good enough.

And so, if she is here…this is for you. Please understand that what I am blogging about is extremely difficult and painful and all I'd ask is that you email me if you want clarification on anything I've written…past, present or future posts included. I've left you and your family alone and would ask that you do the same for me now. I realize that in the past, we've BOTH mentioned each other on our respective blogs, however this one is not for you…and is not about you…nor will it ever be. I have a lot that I am dealing with in my personal life and want to keep this blog open for my adoptee friends and the adoptive parents that might want to learn from what I have to say. Please respect that. That's all I ask.

~Cricket

I'm Tired

I'm tired of being told that I need to get help for my anger towards my adoptive parents and realize instead that adoption is wonderful and such a gift and saves children who would otherwise be on the street.

Adoption is NOT a gift if you are on the other side of the Triad. You lose part of yourself by simply existing. Infertility should not be a reason to adopt...sorry to all of those who cannot have children...I am genuinely sorry for the loss you must feel, but what about the loss of the adoptee?? Your loss is solved by adoption. Our loss is CAUSED by adoption.

I am not naive enough to think that adoption will ever be wiped out of society. I know that there are certain circumstances in which the biological family cannot or perhaps more often, will not, care for the child. In those instances, the child should be placed in foster care and then placed for adoption once it's established that no biological relative will take them in. Family preservation should be the norm, not the exception.

I'm tired of having my story invalidated or negated simply by the words "Sorry your life was f*cked up, but that won't happen to MY child". Really?? Now you are the ones being naive. I'm not suggesting that every adoptee will feel the same way about things...not every adoptee will come out of the fog that they are surrounded by. And that's okay...what is NOT okay though is to assume that it won't happen. That one day the child that grew up in your home will come home and question their existence. It could happen. And my only prayer is that there are AP's out there who will question that right along side of the adoptee.

Would You Have Preferred "Old RatBastard"?

Sorry, couldn't resist.  Perhaps I was a bit mean by titling one of my other blog posts "Self Serving Shitweasels" but I make no apologies for what I write here...after all, it's my blog.  

I responded to a not-so-nice comment in a nice way.  And for that, I'll always be the bigger person.  Sorry Mike, but it's true.

Butttttt...even though I responded politely to his comment, I'd like to pick apart that lovely and thought provoking comment here and add my remaining two cents...because that's my right as a blog owner. 

Dear Shitweasel.
 

Clever man...you just twisted my own blog title around on me...good job!!  ::dripping with sarcasm:: 

Sorry you had a shitty life, but don't take it out on unsuspecting adoptive parents.

But are you REALLY sorry Mike, or are you just saying that?  And did you just freely admit that you were unsuspecting??

There are far too many kids out there who need a mommy and a daddy for you to come rolling in to take a dump on their parade.

The phrase "take a dump on their parade" just sounds silly and adolescent..surely you could have thought of something a little more powerful..or even just use "shit on" or "fuck with"??  My friends' teenage boys would say something like "dump". 

And really, are  you really be that defensive about your decision to adopt a child from a foreign country?  And can I ask, exactly how it is that a child that was born in that foreign country can suddenly have a United States birth certificate??  I've never understood that...



My sister was adopted and she doesn't feel the need to go around the internet kicking sand in the face of people who are happy to have a child in their life.

Most likely, your sister writes an anonymous blog and writes about how miserable her life has been while kicking sand in the face of people who adopted children via the internet.  Glad to know you're so in touch with your sister's feelings and that you are that close to her that you know exactly what she's going through every minute of every day. 

Knock yourself out trying to prevent adoptions, that is the stupidest thing I've heard of in a long time.
Get therapy if you are so miserable.

I'm not trying to prevent adoptions..unless they are the kind that cause a child to lose all sense of their identity, their original birth certificate and any contact with their natural families.  Ohhh...whoops....

And thanks for the advice about therapy...if you'd actually taken a minute to READ any of my previous posts, you'd see that I AM seeking therapy to deal with my issues.  I hope you can do the same.  It sounds like you need it more than me though.  It's called anger management.  Try it.

And open your comments for everyone to view if you are going to comment on other people's blogs.

Again, my comments are open and viewable...as long as you've posted before.  Now that you've come here and set me straight on why adoption is such a wonderful thing, you're free to comment at will.  

Happy father of an adopted little girl.

It's very telling that you didn't say "Adoptive father of a happy little girl".

~Mike Larkin

Feel free to contact me if you have any questions.

No thanks...I'll limit any contact with you to this blog...after all, I'd like my entire reading audience to see how great of an adopter you really are!

larkin777@gmail.com