Thursday, December 10, 2009

She Lives....

in my mind's eye.  Guarding the huge wooden doors..pacing back and forth...never speaking, just expressing her emotions through her actions and facial expressions.

Behind those doors are the secrets of my soul.  Secrets that I'm not even privy to..because of Girl. 

Girl's probably about eight years old...dressed in a long white nightgown with flowing dark hair and barefeet.   Piercing eyes pleading with me to leave it alone.  Don't worry about the secrets...Girl will take care of them...forever.

But I am realizing more and more that I need to know what is lurking beyond those doors.  Until I know everything, I can't fully heal.

She offered me a sneak peek into what I am dealing with...through a small window high up on the door.  On tiptoes I look, and see...

Darkness.  Just darkness.  But it's the scariest thing I've ever seen.  Because who knows what could be hiding there.

She shuts the window and shoos me away....and commences her frantic pacing again.

I just am so confused and tired.  Therapy is definitely helping, but I just feel like it's an impossible dream.  To be 'normal'.  I don't know any different way to be except ABnormal. 

What if I do see what's behind the doors and it makes things worse? 

Can I take that chance?

Can I afford not to?

1 comment:

  1. Thinking of you!!! That little girl needs a break - and a hug. You are too good a mother to your children not to take good care of her too.

    Wish there was some way for us to help you!!


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