I was going to give this natural mother a Blog of Shame award, but I just couldn’t bring myself to bother. I’ve commented on her blog before and have always been struck by the angry way she discusses adoptees and their feelings. She’s a first mother…and from what I recall, her daughter doesn’t speak to her any longer. This is going to come out sounding bitter, but really, I can’t really blame her daughter for cutting ties if this is how her mother feels and expresses herself.
“People, I am just going to say it, being angry is ok. Yep, definitely. Being silly about hiding how you feel is ok. Being hurt is ok. These are honest emotions. But good grief! You are not babies anymore! If you are hurt, angry, feeling less than, take a look in the mirror. Ask yourself honestly if the words you are saying are not part of the problem. Ask yourself if telling someone who may or may not have been waiting for over 20 years to meet you that you are happy to have been adopted, that you don't care if their families don't know, that you hate them, ask yourself exactly how you would feel.”
So we should lie? We should deny our anger and just get over it? While I don’t understand the mindset of adoptees who are happy they were adopted, I’d never discount their feelings. One of my best friends is adopted…her adoptive parents went on to have a biological daughter four years later. She has never once, in the two and a half years since my reunion, said that she wished she could find her mother. She is content with her afamily and glad that she was adopted into a loving household. I’d never tell her she was wrong for being happy, but neither would she tell me that I’m wrong for my feelings of anger and pain.
In the words of my former therapist, you can’t take other people’s feelings personally. Those adoptees that Lori is ranting against aren’t ranting and raving against Lori. They are ranting against their own particular situation. One that only they have walked through. To tell them that they are part of the problem is just horribly presumptive.
Until you’ve walked a mile in someone else’s shoes and all that jazz…in fact, Lori says that adoptees should put themselves in their natural parents’ shoes…
“The fact is that you aren't in her/his head and you can't possibly know exactly what your words are doing to them. You can't possibly know if the person is being hammered down yet again, by YOU. You can't know.”
What about what your words are doing to adoptees who read your blog? Reading how immature we are for having feelings different from what you think we should have…
“You are, supposedly, mature, adult people. Yet you know you have issues with abandonment (in the very least) and that you should work them out and you don't. No, you don't. You would much rather beat the crap out of the person that you found/were found by, than face the fact that your problems are yours. After about 18 - 20 you can't blame your parents, none of them, for your problems. You can say they caused them, truly, but you are choosing not to deal with the problems in an honest fashion.”
I’d really like to know whose blogs she’s been reading…I think I’d like to add them to my blogroll if they aren’t already there.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Where'd It Go??? And An Update On Me
I received an email the other day, I think from one of my readers..Tina (??)..that I looked at on my phone and then promptly did something that either deleted or otherwise banished to the great unknown. I can't find it and am hoping that Tina is reading this post and will resend the email. ::blushes with embarassment:: Sorry!
Things are going really well with P. We're trading almost daily emails and I'm just taking it one step at a time. He's excited to finally have a daughter of his own and is happy to get to know me and to exchange stories about our lives thus far. It's just so strange to say that I have a father, after my afather has been dead for seven years. My family orchard (can't say I have a tree...haha) has grown exponentially in the past month and I'm getting used to the idea of having two more brothers to add to the branches. I haven't asked him if they know about me yet...I figure I'll broach that subject eventually.
I'm stopping therapy for now. I know, GASP! Honestly, it's not because I want to, or because I think I'm "done". One of the drawbacks of getting hired full time at my work is that I had to switch health insurances and the therapist's office I was going to doesn't take the new insurance. I'm frustrated and can't even bring myself to start looking for another therapist because it's overwhelming to think about telling all of my crap to someone else. Guess that means I'll be blogging more frequently to get my feelings out. Aren't YOU all the lucky ones?
Things are going really well with P. We're trading almost daily emails and I'm just taking it one step at a time. He's excited to finally have a daughter of his own and is happy to get to know me and to exchange stories about our lives thus far. It's just so strange to say that I have a father, after my afather has been dead for seven years. My family orchard (can't say I have a tree...haha) has grown exponentially in the past month and I'm getting used to the idea of having two more brothers to add to the branches. I haven't asked him if they know about me yet...I figure I'll broach that subject eventually.
I'm stopping therapy for now. I know, GASP! Honestly, it's not because I want to, or because I think I'm "done". One of the drawbacks of getting hired full time at my work is that I had to switch health insurances and the therapist's office I was going to doesn't take the new insurance. I'm frustrated and can't even bring myself to start looking for another therapist because it's overwhelming to think about telling all of my crap to someone else. Guess that means I'll be blogging more frequently to get my feelings out. Aren't YOU all the lucky ones?
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Coffee Talk with Christina : Part Three
Remember back in August when I asked for questions because I was having writer's block? Well, I kind of am at the same place again...and am going to answer Lee's question now to jumpstart my creative juices.
Thanks Lee!
"What I might ask if we chatted over coffee would be how has your childhood informed how you parent your children today? I would ask this because although I am not adopted I had a very um odd family dynamic and found myself doing lots of sifting and casting out of things when I wanted to be a parent."
My childhood sucked. I was afraid of my aparents and felt lost and alone 99.99% of the time. I’d spend hours upon hours either in my room or outside in the woods by myself, inventing fairytale scenarios that I’d make up in my head. Often they’d involve a dramatic rescue…white horse, damsel in distress, the whole nine yards. My favorite book as a child was “A Little Princess” because for all intents and purposes, I WAS her.
As a mother, I’ve allowed my kids the freedom to be themselves. If that means that my son dresses up like Hannah Montana and prances around the house singing at the top of his lungs, then that’s okay with me. If that means that my daughter dresses in jeans and t-shirts all the time and rolls her eyes at me when it’s time to brush her teeth, then so be it. There are boundaries, of course, but I am bound and determined that my children will NEVER be afraid of me. The hugs and the kisses and the snuggles are given freely and without any fear of a slap across the face in the next moment.
I always make sure to let the kids know that I’m proud of them…that no matter how Maddie sings, or how Chase does on his spelling test, I’m proud. I never quite was able to obtain my aparents’ approval. My asister was the smart one…the one who made it farther with our piano lessons than I did…the one who got accepted into a better college than I did…the one who made straight A’s every time. Now I know that she did all those things to prove to our aparents that she was worthy enough of their love, but maybe a part of me was rebelling against them. And getting a B on my report card, while not really rebel worthy, was the best (or worst) I could do.
While I know that I need to make sure my kids are safe, I will not suffocate them. I know that they need to have their own lives and experience things that I never got to experience. I had to beg…literally beg…to be allowed to go out with my friends in high school. And when I’d get home I’d get the silent treatment for a good day and a half because I surely hadn’t deserved to be allowed to go, but they’d relented and now I was going to pay for it. I just wanted to have a little fun in an otherwise dreary existence…not too much to ask for…and it WON’T be too much for my kids to ask for. Ever.
By the way, this is Chase, dressed up like Hannah Montana...
Thanks Lee!
"What I might ask if we chatted over coffee would be how has your childhood informed how you parent your children today? I would ask this because although I am not adopted I had a very um odd family dynamic and found myself doing lots of sifting and casting out of things when I wanted to be a parent."
My childhood sucked. I was afraid of my aparents and felt lost and alone 99.99% of the time. I’d spend hours upon hours either in my room or outside in the woods by myself, inventing fairytale scenarios that I’d make up in my head. Often they’d involve a dramatic rescue…white horse, damsel in distress, the whole nine yards. My favorite book as a child was “A Little Princess” because for all intents and purposes, I WAS her.
As a mother, I’ve allowed my kids the freedom to be themselves. If that means that my son dresses up like Hannah Montana and prances around the house singing at the top of his lungs, then that’s okay with me. If that means that my daughter dresses in jeans and t-shirts all the time and rolls her eyes at me when it’s time to brush her teeth, then so be it. There are boundaries, of course, but I am bound and determined that my children will NEVER be afraid of me. The hugs and the kisses and the snuggles are given freely and without any fear of a slap across the face in the next moment.
I always make sure to let the kids know that I’m proud of them…that no matter how Maddie sings, or how Chase does on his spelling test, I’m proud. I never quite was able to obtain my aparents’ approval. My asister was the smart one…the one who made it farther with our piano lessons than I did…the one who got accepted into a better college than I did…the one who made straight A’s every time. Now I know that she did all those things to prove to our aparents that she was worthy enough of their love, but maybe a part of me was rebelling against them. And getting a B on my report card, while not really rebel worthy, was the best (or worst) I could do.
While I know that I need to make sure my kids are safe, I will not suffocate them. I know that they need to have their own lives and experience things that I never got to experience. I had to beg…literally beg…to be allowed to go out with my friends in high school. And when I’d get home I’d get the silent treatment for a good day and a half because I surely hadn’t deserved to be allowed to go, but they’d relented and now I was going to pay for it. I just wanted to have a little fun in an otherwise dreary existence…not too much to ask for…and it WON’T be too much for my kids to ask for. Ever.
By the way, this is Chase, dressed up like Hannah Montana...
Friday, December 31, 2010
Live With No Regrets
It's been a wild week. Quarter/Year End is over...and life can get back to normal. Once, of course, my darling son kicks this fever in the ass. Sigh. I've been writing to P pretty much every day..learning more about his family--my family. It seems like it's been more than a week since we started talking, but we're definitely taking our time.
We had messages flying back and forth last night and I realized just now that I missed the last one he'd sent after he'd started a fire in his fireplace. I wanted to share it with all of you because, well, just because..lol.
Fire...check. I got my camera working, need to figure out how to broadcast. This weekend I get home around 7 pm so I'll be online after I walk the pooch.
We were talking a few weeks ago about the past year and that it was one of our best. And then you happened to me. I am so thankful, I can't tell you. I don't like to use the word regret because I believe you do the best you can with the available information you have at the time but I wish to God you and I could've connected before this. Everything happens for a reason so I don't question why. I think we will all be alright now...I pray for it.
And my response:
And I missed your message you had sent so I am sorry for not responding to it.
When C found me, my friends would ask me how I was feeling about it all. I finally was able to put it into words after a while. It was like a hole had been filled in my heart that I didn't even know was there. THAT is how I am feeling now, talking and connecting with you. We can't change the situation in the past...but we can move forward...together.
Holy sappy message Batman..lol.
I'm in awe of him. And I'm in awe of the situation.
We had messages flying back and forth last night and I realized just now that I missed the last one he'd sent after he'd started a fire in his fireplace. I wanted to share it with all of you because, well, just because..lol.
Fire...check. I got my camera working, need to figure out how to broadcast. This weekend I get home around 7 pm so I'll be online after I walk the pooch.
We were talking a few weeks ago about the past year and that it was one of our best. And then you happened to me. I am so thankful, I can't tell you. I don't like to use the word regret because I believe you do the best you can with the available information you have at the time but I wish to God you and I could've connected before this. Everything happens for a reason so I don't question why. I think we will all be alright now...I pray for it.
And my response:
And I missed your message you had sent so I am sorry for not responding to it.
When C found me, my friends would ask me how I was feeling about it all. I finally was able to put it into words after a while. It was like a hole had been filled in my heart that I didn't even know was there. THAT is how I am feeling now, talking and connecting with you. We can't change the situation in the past...but we can move forward...together.
Holy sappy message Batman..lol.
I'm in awe of him. And I'm in awe of the situation.
Monday, December 27, 2010
My Christmas Present
It was Friday afternoon, Christmas Eve, and I was walking around Target aimlessly looking for last minute stocking stuffers and presents. My phone vibrated and I saw that my nmom had texted me.
C: Has he written??
Me: Nothing yet..
C: Well he just wrote me on Facebook and said "Wish me luck, I'm going in.."
Me:
C: Breathe
Me: I'm in the middle of Target.
C: Lol.
Me: OMG, I have to go home.
C: Keep busy and BREATHE. He's probably writing and rewriting his letter...
Me: ::vomit::
C: Lol. Love you. No matter what, I love you.
I went home and started putting together Chase's Zhu Zhu pets and their accompanying playsets. Put on some Christmas music and got lost in the spirit. Until my phone beeped with the notification that I had a Facebook message.
My favorite Christmas present this year? No...not an engagement ring. And my new silver earrings, personalized keychain and Kindle were pretty frigging sweet, but those weren't the presents that meant the most to me.
This was:
Hi Christina, I wouldn't call it a shock, more like a tsunami...HA! I am surprised, no denying it, not shocked though...I welcome this surprisingly peaceful news. Mostly I am happy and relieved that you and C are together with your gorgeous babies.
I talked about you with my wife M and she agreed that you and I should (re)connect. She is wonderful and at some point, with your permission, I'm sure you will hear from her as well. My road is a long and winding one and one that I look forward to sharing with you. M and I live in our new house on the family farm, though not really a farm. We grow veggies to put up each year and horses occupy some of the land. We moved here to help take care of M's parents when the time comes. I have three sons, C, who was adopted, M, who's in the Army, and D. C and D live in Virginia Beach. I have 2 lovely step-daughters A and L and they have tons of kids so "Poppee" is always busy when they visit.
This is a new start and one that I am looking forward to with much anticipation. I must now go and tend to the man stuff that goes with decorating for the family party later today. Merry Christmas Doll.
C: Has he written??
Me: Nothing yet..
C: Well he just wrote me on Facebook and said "Wish me luck, I'm going in.."
Me:
C: Breathe
Me: I'm in the middle of Target.
C: Lol.
Me: OMG, I have to go home.
C: Keep busy and BREATHE. He's probably writing and rewriting his letter...
Me: ::vomit::
C: Lol. Love you. No matter what, I love you.
I went home and started putting together Chase's Zhu Zhu pets and their accompanying playsets. Put on some Christmas music and got lost in the spirit. Until my phone beeped with the notification that I had a Facebook message.
My favorite Christmas present this year? No...not an engagement ring. And my new silver earrings, personalized keychain and Kindle were pretty frigging sweet, but those weren't the presents that meant the most to me.
This was:
Hi Christina, I wouldn't call it a shock, more like a tsunami...HA! I am surprised, no denying it, not shocked though...I welcome this surprisingly peaceful news. Mostly I am happy and relieved that you and C are together with your gorgeous babies.
I talked about you with my wife M and she agreed that you and I should (re)connect. She is wonderful and at some point, with your permission, I'm sure you will hear from her as well. My road is a long and winding one and one that I look forward to sharing with you. M and I live in our new house on the family farm, though not really a farm. We grow veggies to put up each year and horses occupy some of the land. We moved here to help take care of M's parents when the time comes. I have three sons, C, who was adopted, M, who's in the Army, and D. C and D live in Virginia Beach. I have 2 lovely step-daughters A and L and they have tons of kids so "Poppee" is always busy when they visit.
This is a new start and one that I am looking forward to with much anticipation. I must now go and tend to the man stuff that goes with decorating for the family party later today. Merry Christmas Doll.
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