Tuesday, January 12, 2010

"Unfortunately, there is no rewind button on the VCR of life..."

I broke my New Year's resolution already. I found myself at a foster/adoptive parent's blog and my heart is broken. Broken for the young girl that is growing up in a house with two women who jump for joy when she's gone. I commented…calmly in fact…but in reality, I'm disgusted by the utter disregard they feel for this child. A child that one of the women says that they probably wouldn't have adopted had they known then what they know now.

OMG. So, I commented. And a few other adoptee warriors did as well. And instead of listening to what we had to say, she brushed us off with a blog post..telling us all that perhaps adult adoptees shouldn't read her blog.

Too late FosterAbba…too late. I've read…and I've cried for the girl that you are so eagerly spewing your hateful words about because you need a place to vent.

As I said, I grew up knowing that my amom often wanted to send me back..and it destroyed my soul and my heart. That's exactly what you are doing to your daughter. I'm sorry that you live in a state that won't let you "bring her back". I'm sorry your partner works in the Child Welfare system and that even if you could abandon her somewhere, it would be frowned upon by her profession.

Your daughter deserves better. Shame on you.


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  2. It boggles the mind, doesn't it?

    Unfortunately, one of the women DOES do social work so they'd have to report themselves. And since we know THAT isn't going to happen....

  3. HA! That was one of my resolutions too!

    I've spent way too much time reading AP/PAP sites - I seem to stumble across more every day - and I've pretty much given up on commenting. They usually get edited out, or they just blow me off as being another "disturbed" and "maladjusted" adoptee, not representative at all of the general adopted population...

    Perhaps representative of the group this woman's daughter is in, however. I was an antagonistic teenager too, much like my biological daughter is now. I don't think the girl is displaying much that couldn't be expected from any teenager from time to time, and the blogger really shouldn't be parenting anyone.

    Stay away from this kind of site. Not good for the digestion.

  4. Ahhh... yes... I have been trying to stay away from these crazy sites too. I quickly read this one but it upset me so much I clicked out before I lost it.

    These people are worse than sick. To talk about a child in this way is depraved and she should be taken away from them for her own sake. No wonder she has so many issues... if this is how they feel about her they probably project this more than they realise and she feels this hatred from them and acts out BECAUSE of their treatment of her.

    Even if she does have issues, you don't blog about them for the world to see. If they were a loving 'couple', they would do their best to seek help for her and find ways for themselves to seek help. They don't because they use her as an attention seeking method.

    I don't know how child services doesn't yank her out of there...someone needs to send them the link to their blog!! Puke.

    As for your resolution... I know its hard because you want to help people and educate them for the children's sake but some of these people (as I have recently discovered) are only interested in the sound of their own voice so to speak and those who agree with them. Anyone else, they will dismiss or write dismissive blog posts about because you ticked them off. But they will not learn, sadly.


  5. I don't know their circumstances but I agree - that it is horrible that they blog publicly about how they feel about their daughter. I just can't imagine doing such a thing.

  6. Try to get back to your New Year's resolution if you can!!

  7. I put myself in an emotional tailspin reading that blog yesterday, then commented, and the more I read, the more it sunk in that these weren't just vile, awful, horrible words about a CHILD being spewed on the internet, the girl in question was having to live with these people. Not only does she have to live with them, steeped in an environment where I have to think that the hate this woman shows her child online probably shines through in how she treats her daughter in reality, but one of them works in some facett of child services. I remembered how it felt to be muzzled, and hopeless, and unable to reach out to get myself help, and my abusive amom wasn't anywhere close to child services, she was just a beloved pillar of the community.

    I've said it before, and I'll say it again. How do people like this pass homestudies?

  8. I have been following the blog in question almost since the beginning. I have tried reasoning with the writers of the blog and frequently feel sad about the child in question.

    As a parent of a child almost the same age as the child written about on the blog, I find most of her "obnoxious" behaviors to be pretty darn typical of the age. I still read, and send out positive thoughts to this girl daily. I hope she finds her way to a positive and productive adult life...

  9. I stumbled on your blog as a result of a response you left on the F.A. blog (I share many of your concerns BTW) I clicked over to you and saw you were in MA as are we. I thought I'd follow along your journey. As an adoptive parent I feel you have important insights.

  10. At one time, before FosterAbba and FosterEema adopted Danielle, I had stopped reading. I couldn't fathom why they persisted in fostering her. Now I'm reading again and while I still don't understand why they adopted her, I feel empathy for FosterAbba. I'm also much less empathetic towards Danielle because of the verbal and physical abuse towards her parents. It's certainly a crappy situation for all involved.

    The overwhelming impression I've derived from years of reading adoptive parents' blogs is that you just can't "fix" the loss of a kid's biological parents.

  11. The thing is, if the commenters are so mad and care so much, why don't you offer to take care of kids like Danielle? I agree the blog sounds bad at times, but really it is how people let off steam when taking care of very difficult mentally ill children, they need an outlet to let it out so they can go back to the daily difficulties. People complain about it but how about helping? There are tons of kids with very difficult behaviors looking for homes, with very little options in terms of what to do when they get violent. Try it for a while, it is the only way to understand.

  12. What amazes me is that every commenter who has been a reader of FAbba and FEema says that they agree the blog sounds bad at times...

    It's not that I think that they shouldn't blow off steam...of course they have that right. It's how they speak about their daughter that really sends my blood pressure soaring.

    My feeling is, they KNEW what they were signing up for. And there was plenty of time for them to decide to NOT adopt Danielle and put her through this...or themselves even.

    It's not that I don't empathize with the fact that their daughter is special needs...it's that they (specifically FAbba) speak so ill of Danielle 99% of the time. That's certainly not just "blowing off steam"..it's just disrespectful.


  13. FosterAbba didn't want to adopt Danielle at all, mind you. It was FosterEema who wanted it, and FosterAbba wanted to stay with FosterEema. Not that it's any of my business but in my world view, FosterEema is the "bad guy" here.

  14. Then that just makes it a hundred times worse that FAbba stayed in the situation for selfish reasons and now Danielle is paying the price.

  15. No, I don't think it's selfish of FosterAbba to want to stay with her spouse of more than ten years and make the effort to work it out with Danielle. And I doubt Danielle would have it better with FosterEema only. She'd just turn on her more as the focus of her attachment problems, and FosterEema is a much less self-controlled person than FosterAbba.

    "God Himself does not propose to judge a man until the end of his days."

  16. Cricket, I appreciate your efforts to provide perspective to the blogger in question. I can tell you that many, many people have tried along the way, and that it has fallen on completely deaf ears. I used to comment but stopped after it became clear that it was futile. I don't know why I still read, except that I do feel for poor Danielle and want to know what happens to her.

    Mongoose, if you've been reading all along, you would have seen that FAbba repeatedly said she wanted to adopt Danielle (despite many commenters--including me--voicing their reservations because of the clear lack of affection in her posts). Look at the entries from November 2007 when Danielle was supposed to be removed from their home--a perfect out, but she was determined to fight the removal. I think a lot of her motivation was her need to prove the social workers wrong and "win" the situation rather than a genuine affection for Danielle. After the adoption was finalized, she started saying she wished she hadn't done it. Foster Eema seems to actually care about Danielle, which does not make her the bad guy in my book. I don't know that FEema is the perfect parent for Danielle, but I do think Danielle would be better off away from someone who openly admits that she despises her. I can see that Danielle's behavior brings up triggers for you re your abusive ex, but keep in mind that she is a victimized child who is developmentally immature and has difficulty controlling her emotions.


Share your words of wisdom with the rest of the class. :)