Cross Post From My Reunited Cricket Blog: Stop Saying That!!

STOP SAYING THAT!!

Continuing The Journey

I have decided to table my beloved "Out of the Fog" blog for awhile.  I may be back but for now, I'm starting a new blog.  I hope you'll follow me over there and spread the word!

Reunited Cricket

This Blog Post Is Brought To You By The Number...

Five.

It's been five years to the day since I opened my Myspace inbox and read the email that would change my life forever.  I can't believe that much time has passed.  So much has changed for me.

I found out that I have younger siblings.  I was always referred to as the "baby" of my adoptive family.  Now,  I am the big sister of a sister and three brothers.  Craziness.  I never really put much stock in the birth order bunk, but it really makes me wonder if I would have been different being the oldest child rather than the youngest.

I found out where I got the dark circles under my eyes and why I started going gray/white haired in my early twenties.  I no longer had to look in the mirror and wonder who I looked like.  It was singlehandedly the most awesome and unnerving thing at the same time.  Sometimes in the early days of reunion, I had to pinch and remind myself that I DID know who I looked like now.  I DO know who my mother is.

I found out my birth story.  When my kids' birthdays roll around, we spend at least a half hour reminiscing and talking about the day they were born.  I can tell Maddie that her Auntie Cindy drove me to the hospital after my water broke and was able to hold my hand while I breathed, while driving a standard and timing my contractions.  That she pushed a little old lady out the way so I could lean on the wall in the hospital so I didn't pass out from the pain.  That it only took three pushes for her to make her entrance.  I can tell Chase that he was born on his due date after having gone to the doctor's earlier that day to make an appointment for induction two days later.  That they had to vacuum his fat head out of me while five residents stood around my bed since it was teaching night at the hospital..(sigh).  I'd never had that.  I'd bought into the story that the six days before I was adopted didn't mean anything.  They mattered.  I know that now.  And now I also know that I was born at night after being told my whole life that I was born at 9:03 in the morning.

I know why I am so clumsy.  Nature vs. nurture.  I am the girl who can trip on a perfectly flat surface.  I blame it on air bubbles on the ground.  My sister, mother and brother are just as clumsy...not to mention my kids.  Maddie broke her foot right before kindergarten by tripping on a chair.  My grandmother had to have a note from the doctor sent to the school when my mother was young, telling them that the bruises she had were from being a klutz, not from abuse..lol.

My mother, sister and I all have cysts on our heads.  Luckily we all have really long hair so you can't tell but it's nice to know I'm not alone.  My adoptive sister used to tell me that I was growing horns.  ::slow clap::  Good one.

Want to know another fun fact I found out when my mother and I started communicating via email?  We both use "..." a lot when we write.  I noticed that right away...and it made me cry.  It truly is the little things.

I would be remiss if I didn't mention that four years ago today was the day my sister's fiancee passed away from an overdose.  I think that's when I knew that I was needed and wanted by my natural family.  After I got the news from Cate, I drove an hour and a half to their town and was able to spend that night holding Cate as she fell into an exhausted sleep.  My mother had pulled me aside and told me, "No matter what doubts you have had about being a big sister...know that you have done an awe inspiring job today.".

I mentioned both anniversaries on my FBook today.  Both the five year anniversary of being found, and the four year anniversary of losing Keith.  I have been incredibly happy and incredibly sad today.

One of my natural aunts commented on my status..."Happy Found Day".  Indeed.

Squat's New With You?

I was looking at my FBook feed last night, feeling full from the sub I’d just inhaled, and came across a challenge.  A 30 Day Squat Challenge.

I figured, what the hell, what can it hurt?  I mean, there are rest days built into the month so I can ease into this.  And so, today, I’m at 40 squats already and will work in the other 10 at some point.  Thankfully, the restroom at work is rarely that busy so I’ll get them in when I’m alone in the stall..lol. 

With the good weather finally (fingers crossed that we don’t get a freak blizzard this month) upon us, I’m going to start walking after work as well as keeping up my golf obsession.  I’m really hopeful that this time will work.  This time will be “MY” time to fix my weight and my health.  My wedding dress is hanging in my daughter’s closet and at some point this year, I will be wearing it.  I know that Steven loves me, chunk and all, but I want to love myself and love the way I look again.  I pulled out a picture from Maddie’s first birthday party..and I was thin, and at my healthiest.  I have the picture taped to my wall in my cube at work to show me that I can do this.  

And The Beat Goes On

Yesterday when we left off from the FBook War of Words between me and my natural father's wife, we were discussing the fact that she believes my father treats her kindly with benevolent neglect...lol.

I never responded to M's last comment to me...figured, what was the point?

And then...

My father actually jumped into the fray at nine o'clock last night.

(Natural Father)  Hello Christina, this is your father. I know that I deserve all of your anger and pained comments. It sucks to read about some asshole and his benevolent neglect all the while knowing it is true and it's you. I have never been comfortable with the fact that my past pretty much sucked and my method of coping is to bury the depressing aspects in my self-loathing. There is not a day that goes by that this state doesn't get in my way. It clouds my judgement and gets in the way of my happiness. My failures are mine not yours. I intend to attempt to repair our relationship! If you can find it in your heart to forgive, I will try to earn back your respect and love. Know this, I was thrilled to find you, I truly love you and if you can, please allow me this opportunity.

I didn't respond.  I did leave my house and go for a long drive though because I wasn't sure WHAT to think.  Still am at that place now but hopefully my head will clear as time goes on.

And my natural mom posted her own status last night.  If you didn't know why I love her so much, this should clinch it for you.

(Natural Mom)  FACTS: I love my daughter. She is beautiful, brave, loving and articulate. I do not like to read things like "you seem like a lovely young woman, but..." No BUT...she IS. Does having a "chip on her shoulder" negate her loveliness? Nope. Is there actually a chip there? Nope. Being disappointed, hurt and let down and feeling or expressing those feelings does not give evidence of a chip.  Here's another fun fact...IF my daughter were to draw "a line in the sand"..I would jump it, fly over it, or crawl across it to reach her...she's worth that...and so much more. Fact: You can make excuses for, justify, explain or rationalize the behaviors of someone...but you can't keep their promises for them..so all that energy you spend trying...is really just blowing smoke.
more facts, you ask? why yes...don't mind if I add more...my daughter was in my world since before she was born....miles don't matter...never did. I may, at times, live in my own private Idaho....but there is always a spot in my world for my daughter.Final fact? (I may add more later...but this is the last one for this post) "benevolent Neglect" is an oxymoron!!so...play nice, mind your business, keep your promises.

And then today, when M, my father's wife, logged onto FBook from work, her comments started flying.

She didn't like my mom's status...clearly as these were her comments underneath it:

(Natural Father's Wife) Okay, that is enough. I am out of the middle of all this; I don't know what any of you all's expectations are, but Facebook is NOT the place to air these personal things! Enough, please! We are human beings too, you know. I really don't know either of you and do not have the means to travel and visit in order to get to know you. I have not said anything mean spirited to anyone and would appreciate the same from you, too, (natural mom's name). Enough!

And then, a minute later..this...(after no one had said anything to her).

(Natural Father's Wife) YOU play nice!

And again, an hour later (again, no one said anything to her).

(Natural Father's Wife) Stop attacking me! I am going to go and sage myself now.....!

Still following the drama?  I wish I could say it ended there but she then commented on my original status under my natural father's comment to me.

(Natural Father's Wife) You should know that P has not been able to log into his FB account for a long time; that is why he has sent the message above using mine. Likely, he'll have open another one, but that message is from him, right hand to God. Also, if you did not want me to show him your message, then why post it on FB for everyone to see? Just saying...(I know you are hurt and angry and I can see you are in pain. I am sorry that you feel those things, but I cannot say that I blame you in any way). Now, please let there be peace among us.

(Me )  Not sure why you are upset with me M. You commented on my status, I replied back. I don't think I was disrespectful or deserved what you just wrote at all.

(Natural Father's Wife) Honey you are the one who posted the whole thing on FB. Perhaps a private message would have been more appropriate? I am not angry at all with you. Please read every word of my posts; I am all about peace and love and light and acceptance! Please understand that and know that is what I only ever wish for you, too! I am bowing out of the middle of this; P has left you a message above. This is between the two of you, okay honey? Wishing you the best of everything always!

(Me)  I posted a status...you began commenting. I see nothing wrong with what I wrote. You had the choice to simply read the status to P, but instead kept commenting. I get where you are coming from to a certain extent...after all, I could have written P a private message that he never would gotten anyway, right? I didn't ask for you to step in the middle.  

(Natural Father's Wife)  It was a comment disguised as an attack. It is only natural that I would try to talk with you and defend the man I know and love. I simply told you that he did love you and but he isn't a demonstrative type of person. This has escalated far enough. Take care.

(Natural Father's Wife) It meant to say an attack disguised as a comment...

(Me) I was not attacking you. Simply stating that this was not a case of me being the water and him being the horse. It's not as cut and dry as that. One person's perception is another's reality.

That's it...that's all she wrote.

By the way, I changed my status to "I love unicorns, rainbows and puppies! <3".