Monday, August 31, 2009

Today Is A New Day

I'm proud of myself today.  It's been awhile since I've been able to say that.  I made an appointment with a therapist and am going on Thursday.  And...just now...I told my boyfriend why I feel the need to go to counseling.  That took a lot of courage because for a long time I couldn't tell him about my father..had even regaled my dad's "good" qualities and ignored the shit.  No more. 

He's worried about me...and wanted me to know that he fully supports me in whatever I need to do.  And that he understands if I can't talk to him about it yet..but that he's always here for me to talk to as well.  I warned him that when I get home on Thursday after my appointment, I'll probably be exhausted...and extremely emotional.  He knows..he gets it..and he loves me.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Rough Patch

Didn't I say in one of the below posts that I am an expert at hiding my feelings...well according to the last two posts I've made, I'm not doing such a great job lately.  I've allowed my mind to wander to the plight of other adoptees and allowed it to avoid thinking about my own situation.

Not that I think that I, and my fellow adoptee friends, don't have completely valid points...I've just realized that for now, I don't have the energy to defend myself and my feelings from those who believe that we're wrong for speaking our minds...and that we're wrong for questioning the motives of those whose very blogs contradict what they say in their comments in response to our thoughts.

I need to take care of myself...finally...

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Slice This

I'm tired today.  Tired of having to "explain" loss to those who don't get it....or choose to ignore it.  What isn't understood is that it doesn't matter whether the child grows up in a wonderfully loving and supportive household...there will still be loss.  You can buy the child a million ponies for the backyard and throw all the circus birthday parties you want..there will still be loss.

Adoptive parents can attend every school function, every ballet class, every piano recital, every baseball/soccer/basketball/hockey/golf/track/tennis....well you get the idea...and there will STILL be loss.  Yes, every child will go through an identity crisis...being a teenager SUCKS no matter how you slice it..but if you're not prepared, you will miss that your child's angst may be MORE that just teenage rage. 


What amused me the most about reading the blog I alluded to last night was that the AP was very proud of having real-live-adoptee-blogs (and isn't that exciting??) on her blogroll.  ::clap clap clap::  There were three.  Three blogs that were probably (and yes, I'm making a sweeping assumption here, but at least I have the cajones to admit that) added just because they were the first ones she found when she googled searched. 

Want advice??  Start planning for the  I've compiled a list of links that she, and other APs may find helpful.




Direct message to Kelli: If you've read from any of the above links before, then ::clap clap clap:: (here's a cookie)...I hope that you have memorized the signs of adoptee loss because one day you'll need to recognize them in the Vietnamese child you have claimed so desperately as your own.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Self Serving Shitweasels

I commented on someone's blog tonight...just finally got fed up with reading about how excited APs get while they buy children away from their families.  Good for you!  You just legally kidnapped a child!  And how much did that cost you?  Back in 1974, my aparents paid $225 for inflation has made that amount significantly higher.

I'm sick of hearing how great it is that this AP or that AP has "save" a child from living a horrid life.  Get over yourself!!!  I grew up with an amom who was the Queen of all martyrs.  A part that she played very well..and one that she still plays. 

One night when my grandfather was doing particularly bad health-wise at the nursing home, my amother, auncle and I were sitting at his bedside and my mother said, "Do you want to tell your uncle your news?"  It was awkward to say the least.  After I told him and he'd left, she said, "Well, he was probably shocked and didn't want to say too much because he wasn't sure how I was feeling about it".  I'm sorry..WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY?  My reunion isn't about you.  For once, I have something that I can claim for my own.  And that has been the best thing about it..I am finally finding myself.

Bitterness and Anger

I'm tired of ignorant people.  Tired of having to hear how we, as angry adult adoptees, should just "get over it" and move on.  Sorry, but unfortunately, this hurt and anguish has been with me for my entire life so far and will be for years to come.  Not just because I was abused..but also because I did not grow up with my natural family.

And HOW DARE anyone tell me that I don't have a right to tell people who aren't adopted and have no idea what it's like that adoption affects every aspect of my being.  And I would think that PAPs or APs would WANT to know what they are in for when the child grows up and actually can see beyond the "We chose you, isn't that lovely?" or the "You're special because you grew in my heart and not in my tummy".  Please...grab me a trashcan because I just might hurl.

I understand that life in general isn't all rainbows and sunshine..regardless of whether you're adopted or not...but my point is that adoptees are treated like second class citizens.  Millions aren't even given access to their original birth certificates because the almighty "Powers That Be" deem them/us unworthy of knowing the truth of our beginnings.   We're told to be "grateful" for being given a better life...hear that we should get checked for diseases because our grandparent had it...even when we're not part of the same gene pool.

Am I bitter?  Yes..but not because I'm adopted...because I'm sick and tired of hearing ignorant people getting upset at us for speaking our minds.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

What The Hell Is The Matter With Me?

So I sent off an email to a prospective therapist of those generic "Write 200 words maximum about what you're looking for in regards to therapy" deals. 

And so I did.  Explained a bit of my situation, and also my son's situation.  Haven't gotten into that little nugget of drama, but suffice to say, it's surrounding his father being upset about the close relationship my boyfriend and son have.  Sigh.  We'll work it through though...I have full faith on that point.

This morning, I received an email back from the therapist and now..well, now I'm sitting at my desk crying because I'm just so relieved that there's someone to help.  I'd called around a few months ago to a few different places for my son, but none of them felt "right".  The timing now is better...especially since it appears I need therapy more than I want to admit.

I'm relieved...but also scared out of my mind.  I'd been in therapy before...but I think back then I was in a different place in my life and just wasn't ready to tackle my issues full steam ahead.   Now I'm seeing just how much I need to get it all out.  As hard as it'll be...and I'm sure there will be many more tears to come..I have to do this.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Soul Loss

I copied and pasted the below post from one of my archived blogs...feeling particularly adopted and abused today.

soul loss,
n in Lakota Indian philosophy, a condition in which a patient's nagi (soul) becomes detached from his or her body because of neglect, abuse, or rejection. Ceremonies are performed by a healer to find the nagi and bring it back to unite the spirit and the body.

*The above definition was taken from here.

I've always felt "lost", but could never understand why that was.  Just thought that was how everyone felt at one point or another, but now I'm realizing that there's something "different" about my feelings.

Common symptoms of soul loss are as follows (I've added my own notes below each symptom):

- Feeling depressed, especially chronically so

* I've struggled with depression throughout my life, not necessarily upset about anything in particular, just upset with life in general.

- Being stuck, unable to move beyond certain challenges or obstacles

* I always seem to dwell on the situations that have affected me negatively in my life..specifically my horrendous choices in men…and my high school years.

- Not being fully present

* Sometimes I will be with a group of people and can feel myself shrinking away from them, into my own little world.  It's safer that way for me.

- Feeling disconnected from life, others and self

* I have always felt like the world is passing me by and I'm missing out on things that others are enjoying.

- Experiencing low self-esteem

* If you've read any of my beginning entries on this blog, you'll understand that low self-esteem is my biggest obstacle.  I feel like people are always watching and judging me harshly for the way I am, look, or act.

- Harboring deep seated shame

*Yes, but the question is, ashamed of what??  Of being adopted?  Of being abused??  Of what???

- An inability to trust others

* Why would I want to trust anyone when all they do is disappoint me and make me distrustful? 

- Difficulty staying focused

* I do tend to be haphazard when it comes to my work life…I jump from one project to the next.  I always blamed it on being bored, but perhaps this explains it better.

- Unable to feel and express a range of emotions, stuck in a certain emotion (angry, sad, fearful, etc.)

* This rings true as well…I feel "okay" for a few days, then I get stuck in being depressed and sad.  For weeks…sometimes months even.

- Chronically lacking energy or feeling tired

* Sometimes I feel like I'm sleepwalking through my days.  Like I'm a robot…doing what I have to do to exist, but always feeling fatigued…physically AND emotionally.

- Feeling as if you lack purpose, direction or vision

* I don't allow myself to look too far ahead into the future because if I do, I'm usually thinking, "How am I going to screw this up?"  I don't allow myself to have purpose or direction because I set myself up to fail from the start.  I have a horrible problem also in that I can't make decisions.  About anything…even the mundane "What do you want for dinner?" questions.  I called myself a "chameleon" the other day in speaking to another adoptee because I wait for someone else to voice their opinion and then I just go with whatever they think is best.

- Being unmotivated in some or all areas of your life

* It's a constant struggle to get myself psyched up to face the go to work, to take care of the do anything.  I'm sure that drives my boyfriend crazy!

- A tendency to repeat the same destructive patterns in life

* Perfect example being the men that I've chosen in my life.  Most of them have been narcissistic and more concerned with themselves and their own happiness than with me or our relationship.  And yet, I keep doing it.  My boyfriend now is a saint compared to a lot of them!

- Invested in being “perfect”

* I was invested in being perfect, tried being perfect, and had become "content" with being the "bad" daughter…the black sheep.  My sister is the perfect one…married, two kids born into that marriage, house, college  education..the whole nine yards.  Me?  Unmarried (living in, two kids born out of wedlock, house (okay, I have that one), and had to drop out of college because there was no more money left to pay for my education.  Not that I'd ever begrudge my sister her degree, but her college of choice was really expensive and we couldn't even afford the state school I went to for a year.

- Consistently experiencing high levels of stress, anxiety and worry

* There isn't a moment in my day that my brain isn't worried about something.  Money, food, my kids…you name it, I worry and stress about it.

-A feeling of being incomplete

* I feel like I am a puzzle that has 1,000 pieces and all the pieces are colored black making it next to impossible to put the pieces back together.  

-Lost memories, like a part of your history is "missing"

* This is a big one.  I always feel left out of the conversations when people are talking about their childhoods because I have effectively blocked a lot of the memories from that period in my own life. 

Will I ever feel "normal"?  Is it possible that there is a way out of this lackluster existence?  I talk the great talk when I say that I'm happier than I've been in a long time, and maybe that's the honeymoon period of my reunion showing itself…but truth be told, in my darker moments, I'm still the girl who is afraid of rejection and will do whatever it takes to make people accept me.  I don't do well with conflict and have been known to "back down" from my adversaries to avoid it at all costs.  The only exception is when my kids are involved…then I become the Momma Bear protecting her cubs.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Am I THAT Transparent?

Yesterday, I sat in my cube, doing exactly what I do every day...sit and drool while staring at my monitor, trying to color code my spreadsheets. 

My cubicle neighbor, *Amy, came over and asked how things were for my n-sister since the death of her fiancee..and then took a good look at me.  She asked if I was okay.  That I didn't seem like myself lately.  It took all the self-control I could muster not to burst into tears..

"I'm fine!  Everything's great!!", I lied.

"You're lying..", she said.

"No!  Really!  I'm okay!!", I continued.

"Liar.  I'm here if you need to talk...", she put her hand on my shoulder for one millisecond and left my cube.

I went back to sitting and drooling and color coding, but that one small gesture really touched me.  I guess sometimes it's okay to let my guard down..because help will come from the most unexpected places.

*changed name...just because.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Blogging Will Help...Blogging Will Help

I guess I've found my new mantra.  As difficult as this will be..I HAVE to blog.  It's important that I start digging into my I can live my present..and continue on towards the future.  I don't want to write about this.  I don't want this to be happening to me. 

My friends have been telling me that I should tell my amother about what I'm remembering...but I just can't.  She still has the ability to make me feel like complete shit..usually about my parenting skills (HA!  Look at my fucking role models)..and I just will not subject myself to being treated like this was somehow my fault.  Or that I'm blowing this out of proportion.  I fucking hate feeling insignificant.  I hate being the fucking black sheep all the time. 

The person I want to hold me right now and tell me it'll be okay is my natural mom.  I want her to tell me she's sorry for leaving me with fucking abusive shitweasels. 

But I can't tell her yet either.  She still believes that my life was this fairytale.  She's always saying that she's glad I had the kind of life she dreamed for me.  My life was not a fairytale.  It was far from it.  More like a horror story from Edgar Allen Poe.

I just feel so damaged tonight.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Too Much

I'm having a really rough week.  In "real life" I'm floating through...can even laugh and joke around at work..just like normal.  But inside, I'm slowly falling apart. 

Friday night, I was getting ready for bed.  Was just sitting on the couch..finishing my wine. 

All of a sudden, things got cloudy and I felt like I was going to pass out.  It was like I was transported back in time to my childhood bedroom.  My father was laying on my bed...

  The memory went on...and while I will not go into details, suffice to say, when I realized where I was actually sitting and that I wasn't in my old room, I started sobbing from the knowledge I'd been wrong all these years.  My father really did molest me and I'd pushed the most horrid memories out of my mind.  God it hurts to even write the words.  I knew he'd been "inappropriate" with me...but this is different.  This is trauma at its worst.

I'm in such pain.  I think it's time for therapy again.  This is just too much to bear.

I need to talk to someone...tonight.  I feel like I'm having an anxiety attack..just writing about the experience is causing me to panic.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

I'd be interested in hearing what my fellow adoptlets have to say about this…it's something that's been weighing heavily on my mind lately.

 Recently, and this may just be because I'm a needy little bitch..or that there has been so much going on within my natural family, I've felt like the reunion honeymoon is over. When I was first "found" (I actually HATE that term and am open to suggestions on other words that might be more appropriate), my natural mother and I would email for hours every day…she'd even begun a tradition of counting down the hours, then minutes, before I could escape this stupid cubicle and head home.

Now though, it's different. And I find myself getting upset at myself for slipping back into the "Woe is me" mentality and thinking I'm just not good enough anymore. I'm constantly wondering if she's avoiding me (which I honestly in my heart don't believe is the case, so it's just dumb of me to even ponder it)..or whether now that I'm here, and she knows me, the novelty has worn off.

Is there such a thing as a honeymoon period in terms of reunion? Do things just naturally slip into an "easy" sort of relationship?

And if so, easy for whom?

Monday, August 3, 2009

I shouldn't have been afraid...

of hugs. 

Family get togethers were always hard for me as a little girl.  The minute we'd pull up in one of my uncles' driveways, I'd start to feel anxious.  Because of the hugs.  My mom knew how to hug me tightly to make me feel somewhat safe..but my other a-relatives didn't.  They'd give me the obligatory pat on the back and send me on my way.  I hated the initial walk through the door, waiting for the hugs to be over so I could go play with my cousins and sister.   What made it worse was watching them hug and kiss my other cousins so freely...yes...I was, and possibly still am, jealous.

Now though, I know what it feels like to walk into a room and receive "real" affection...feeling deeply connected and immensely peaceful.  I know what it's like to be enveloped into my mother's aunts and uncle..and my grandfather. 

Part of me is just so happy that I finally know what it's like to be "part" of something...part of a family that I look like and who have the same quirky sense of humor that I do...that question authority with glee and reckless abandon.

But there's this part of me that is terribly sad too.  Sad that I missed out on 34 years with "my people".  It hurts. 

Some days I really miss the fog.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Why Is It..

that sometimes the most uninvolved people are the most in tune with other's emotions?  And the most involved aren't?

I was talking to my boyfriend yesterday about my reunion...he's been there from the start of it all.  He'd gone to his aunt's apartment yesterday and they started talking about me, and Steven told her about how I was adopted and was dealing with the death of my natural sister's fiancee recently and how the reunion had come about and she very astutely said, "Wow, that's wonderful that now she knows who she comes from.." 

On the other hand, my adoptive mother was talking to me last night and said how her foot doctor (Mom has diabetes and has a specialist for nearly every health condition you could imagine) was saying how she was adopted and had found her mother..but that her reunion hadn't gone well.  That her mother had written her and they'd met a few times but that was the extent of it.  I honestly think that my mother would be happier if that was the outcome of my reunion.  And that kills my spirit.  Not sure how to deal with it. 

It seems like every time I say I'm heading out to Gloucester to visit my mother and sister, my adoptive mom says, "Oh...really?"  Like it's a big surprise...or that I'm inconveniencing her...even though it's been 10 years since I've lived under the same roof as her.  I think she forgets that I'm an adult sometimes.  Unfortunately, so do I. 

Things are coming to a head.  Soon.  Just not sure how to deal with the tension...and how to perform the delicate balancing act that I've grown accustomed to executing.