Thursday, August 13, 2009

Blogging Will Help...Blogging Will Help

I guess I've found my new mantra.  As difficult as this will be..I HAVE to blog.  It's important that I start digging into my I can live my present..and continue on towards the future.  I don't want to write about this.  I don't want this to be happening to me. 

My friends have been telling me that I should tell my amother about what I'm remembering...but I just can't.  She still has the ability to make me feel like complete shit..usually about my parenting skills (HA!  Look at my fucking role models)..and I just will not subject myself to being treated like this was somehow my fault.  Or that I'm blowing this out of proportion.  I fucking hate feeling insignificant.  I hate being the fucking black sheep all the time. 

The person I want to hold me right now and tell me it'll be okay is my natural mom.  I want her to tell me she's sorry for leaving me with fucking abusive shitweasels. 

But I can't tell her yet either.  She still believes that my life was this fairytale.  She's always saying that she's glad I had the kind of life she dreamed for me.  My life was not a fairytale.  It was far from it.  More like a horror story from Edgar Allen Poe.

I just feel so damaged tonight.

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