Sunday, August 25, 2013

Continuing The Journey

I have decided to table my beloved "Out of the Fog" blog for awhile.  I may be back but for now, I'm starting a new blog.  I hope you'll follow me over there and spread the word!

Reunited Cricket

Thursday, July 11, 2013

This Blog Post Is Brought To You By The Number...

Five.

It's been five years to the day since I opened my Myspace inbox and read the email that would change my life forever.  I can't believe that much time has passed.  So much has changed for me.

I found out that I have younger siblings.  I was always referred to as the "baby" of my adoptive family.  Now,  I am the big sister of a sister and three brothers.  Craziness.  I never really put much stock in the birth order bunk, but it really makes me wonder if I would have been different being the oldest child rather than the youngest.

I found out where I got the dark circles under my eyes and why I started going gray/white haired in my early twenties.  I no longer had to look in the mirror and wonder who I looked like.  It was singlehandedly the most awesome and unnerving thing at the same time.  Sometimes in the early days of reunion, I had to pinch and remind myself that I DID know who I looked like now.  I DO know who my mother is.

I found out my birth story.  When my kids' birthdays roll around, we spend at least a half hour reminiscing and talking about the day they were born.  I can tell Maddie that her Auntie Cindy drove me to the hospital after my water broke and was able to hold my hand while I breathed, while driving a standard and timing my contractions.  That she pushed a little old lady out the way so I could lean on the wall in the hospital so I didn't pass out from the pain.  That it only took three pushes for her to make her entrance.  I can tell Chase that he was born on his due date after having gone to the doctor's earlier that day to make an appointment for induction two days later.  That they had to vacuum his fat head out of me while five residents stood around my bed since it was teaching night at the hospital..(sigh).  I'd never had that.  I'd bought into the story that the six days before I was adopted didn't mean anything.  They mattered.  I know that now.  And now I also know that I was born at night after being told my whole life that I was born at 9:03 in the morning.

I know why I am so clumsy.  Nature vs. nurture.  I am the girl who can trip on a perfectly flat surface.  I blame it on air bubbles on the ground.  My sister, mother and brother are just as clumsy...not to mention my kids.  Maddie broke her foot right before kindergarten by tripping on a chair.  My grandmother had to have a note from the doctor sent to the school when my mother was young, telling them that the bruises she had were from being a klutz, not from abuse..lol.

My mother, sister and I all have cysts on our heads.  Luckily we all have really long hair so you can't tell but it's nice to know I'm not alone.  My adoptive sister used to tell me that I was growing horns.  ::slow clap::  Good one.

Want to know another fun fact I found out when my mother and I started communicating via email?  We both use "..." a lot when we write.  I noticed that right away...and it made me cry.  It truly is the little things.

I would be remiss if I didn't mention that four years ago today was the day my sister's fiancee passed away from an overdose.  I think that's when I knew that I was needed and wanted by my natural family.  After I got the news from Cate, I drove an hour and a half to their town and was able to spend that night holding Cate as she fell into an exhausted sleep.  My mother had pulled me aside and told me, "No matter what doubts you have had about being a big sister...know that you have done an awe inspiring job today.".

I mentioned both anniversaries on my FBook today.  Both the five year anniversary of being found, and the four year anniversary of losing Keith.  I have been incredibly happy and incredibly sad today.

One of my natural aunts commented on my status..."Happy Found Day".  Indeed.



Monday, April 22, 2013

Squat's New With You?


I was looking at my FBook feed last night, feeling full from the sub I’d just inhaled, and came across a challenge.  A 30 Day Squat Challenge.



I figured, what the hell, what can it hurt?  I mean, there are rest days built into the month so I can ease into this.  And so, today, I’m at 40 squats already and will work in the other 10 at some point.  Thankfully, the restroom at work is rarely that busy so I’ll get them in when I’m alone in the stall..lol. 

With the good weather finally (fingers crossed that we don’t get a freak blizzard this month) upon us, I’m going to start walking after work as well as keeping up my golf obsession.  I’m really hopeful that this time will work.  This time will be “MY” time to fix my weight and my health.  My wedding dress is hanging in my daughter’s closet and at some point this year, I will be wearing it.  I know that Steven loves me, chunk and all, but I want to love myself and love the way I look again.  I pulled out a picture from Maddie’s first birthday party..and I was thin, and at my healthiest.  I have the picture taped to my wall in my cube at work to show me that I can do this.  


Friday, April 12, 2013

And The Beat Goes On

Yesterday when we left off from the FBook War of Words between me and my natural father's wife, we were discussing the fact that she believes my father treats her kindly with benevolent neglect...lol.

I never responded to M's last comment to me...figured, what was the point?

And then...

My father actually jumped into the fray at nine o'clock last night.

(Natural Father)  Hello Christina, this is your father. I know that I deserve all of your anger and pained comments. It sucks to read about some asshole and his benevolent neglect all the while knowing it is true and it's you. I have never been comfortable with the fact that my past pretty much sucked and my method of coping is to bury the depressing aspects in my self-loathing. There is not a day that goes by that this state doesn't get in my way. It clouds my judgement and gets in the way of my happiness. My failures are mine not yours. I intend to attempt to repair our relationship! If you can find it in your heart to forgive, I will try to earn back your respect and love. Know this, I was thrilled to find you, I truly love you and if you can, please allow me this opportunity.

I didn't respond.  I did leave my house and go for a long drive though because I wasn't sure WHAT to think.  Still am at that place now but hopefully my head will clear as time goes on.

And my natural mom posted her own status last night.  If you didn't know why I love her so much, this should clinch it for you.


(Natural Mom)  FACTS: I love my daughter. She is beautiful, brave, loving and articulate. I do not like to read things like "you seem like a lovely young woman, but..." No BUT...she IS. Does having a "chip on her shoulder" negate her loveliness? Nope. Is there actually a chip there? Nope. Being disappointed, hurt and let down and feeling or expressing those feelings does not give evidence of a chip.  Here's another fun fact...IF my daughter were to draw "a line in the sand"..I would jump it, fly over it, or crawl across it to reach her...she's worth that...and so much more. Fact: You can make excuses for, justify, explain or rationalize the behaviors of someone...but you can't keep their promises for them..so all that energy you spend trying...is really just blowing smoke.
more facts, you ask? why yes...don't mind if I add more...my daughter was in my world since before she was born....miles don't matter...never did. I may, at times, live in my own private Idaho....but there is always a spot in my world for my daughter.Final fact? (I may add more later...but this is the last one for this post) "benevolent Neglect" is an oxymoron!!so...play nice, mind your business, keep your promises.

And then today, when M, my father's wife, logged onto FBook from work, her comments started flying.

She didn't like my mom's status...clearly as these were her comments underneath it:


(Natural Father's Wife) Okay, that is enough. I am out of the middle of all this; I don't know what any of you all's expectations are, but Facebook is NOT the place to air these personal things! Enough, please! We are human beings too, you know. I really don't know either of you and do not have the means to travel and visit in order to get to know you. I have not said anything mean spirited to anyone and would appreciate the same from you, too, (natural mom's name). Enough!

And then, a minute later..this...(after no one had said anything to her).

(Natural Father's Wife) YOU play nice!

And again, an hour later (again, no one said anything to her).

(Natural Father's Wife) Stop attacking me! I am going to go and sage myself now.....!

Still following the drama?  I wish I could say it ended there but she then commented on my original status under my natural father's comment to me.


(Natural Father's Wife) You should know that P has not been able to log into his FB account for a long time; that is why he has sent the message above using mine. Likely, he'll have open another one, but that message is from him, right hand to God. Also, if you did not want me to show him your message, then why post it on FB for everyone to see? Just saying...(I know you are hurt and angry and I can see you are in pain. I am sorry that you feel those things, but I cannot say that I blame you in any way). Now, please let there be peace among us.

(Me )  Not sure why you are upset with me M. You commented on my status, I replied back. I don't think I was disrespectful or deserved what you just wrote at all.

(Natural Father's Wife) Honey you are the one who posted the whole thing on FB. Perhaps a private message would have been more appropriate? I am not angry at all with you. Please read every word of my posts; I am all about peace and love and light and acceptance! Please understand that and know that is what I only ever wish for you, too! I am bowing out of the middle of this; P has left you a message above. This is between the two of you, okay honey? Wishing you the best of everything always!

(Me)  I posted a status...you began commenting. I see nothing wrong with what I wrote. You had the choice to simply read the status to P, but instead kept commenting. I get where you are coming from to a certain extent...after all, I could have written P a private message that he never would gotten anyway, right? I didn't ask for you to step in the middle.  

(Natural Father's Wife)  It was a comment disguised as an attack. It is only natural that I would try to talk with you and defend the man I know and love. I simply told you that he did love you and but he isn't a demonstrative type of person. This has escalated far enough. Take care.

(Natural Father's Wife) It meant to say an attack disguised as a comment...


(Me) I was not attacking you. Simply stating that this was not a case of me being the water and him being the horse. It's not as cut and dry as that. One person's perception is another's reality.
That's it...that's all she wrote.

By the way, I changed my status to "I love unicorns, rainbows and puppies! <3".


Thursday, April 11, 2013

Take Your Benevolent Neglect and Shove It

Last night I decided that I am completely done with my natural father.  I had left my profile up that I had created when we first made contact because part of me was always hoping that he'd come around...but I realized that I was doing more harm than good to my heart.

My father's wife is one of my friends on that profile, as is my natural mom.  She calls me "dear heart" all the time which rubs me the wrong way because while it sounds nice in theory, truthfully it feels patronizing.

I put up the following status last night on that page...and tagged my father and mom.

Pretty much done. Tired of talking around the issue and not getting anything in response from the one person who should be explaining himself. I have given my heart and my love and gotten crapped on in return. This profile will be deleted soon and I will move on.
Not going happily...but it seems like it's pointless to keep it up when I have another one where I have my friends and family, both ...adoptive and natural, on it..and who are proud to call me their daughter, sister, friend.
Your loss. Not mine. I truly thought that I'd found another piece of my puzzle, but it appears I was mistaken. I found a corner piece that belonged to another puzzle from another box.

I would have loved to have heard stories of my father's natural family. Would have loved to have experienced the same type of loving reunion and total acceptance that I have enjoyed with my mother. Alas, it's just not to be.

I have given up that dream. — with (Natural mom's name) and (Natural father's name)

So then, this morning the comment war started.  Sigh.

My father's wife's comments are BOLD and my responses are in ITALICS.


  • (Father's wife) I'm sorry Christina. I will be passing this message on to P today. He hasn't looked at FB in a really long time. He just doesn't do much of anything except work. Sad really...You know you can lead a horse to water....take care dear heart!

  • (Me) I am not water, and he is not a horse Mavis. I am his daughter and he is my father. And I don't really care if you say something to him or not about what I wrote. I know it won't make a difference.

  • (Father's wife) I wasn't calling you water nor him a horse Christina. I was only saying that you can put something in front of someone and it's up to them to partake or not. But, you are wrong in your judgement of him. He is a loving man and I know that he has love in his heart for you and completely accepts you as his daughter. He is, however, a very inattentive man. P doesn't pay attention to my daughters (or me either for that matter) (Her daughters are not P's children), but we know that he is a loving man. P is the kind of man that is taciturn and thrives most in his relationships on benevolent neglect. I am sure you are a lovely young woman but it seems you want to draw a line in the sand. It seems that there is a chip on your shoulder about all this from your response above as well as not a small amount of anger. I can't claim to know what it is like for you but I am trying to understand. However, line in the sand or not, that is your choice. I don't expect you to understand him and I know that you want more of a full relationship with P than there is now. I hope that someday that will happen. He is a very imperfect human being as are we all. He has his challenges just like all the rest of us. These things are certainly not in my power but I wish you brightest blessings always no matter what you do.

  • (Me) The thing is, I'm not just "something" that he can choose to partake in or not. I only wish that I'd known about his tendency towards "benevolent neglect" before I started talking to him as I probably wouldn't have gotten my hopes up.

    Am I drawing a line in the sand now? Yes. But it's been two years since my last contact with him so I'm not really sure that HE wasn't the one who drew the original line in the sand. For you to say that I have a chip on my shoulder just proves that you don't understand the pain that this has caused and how much self control it has taken not to "take my ball and go home" months ago. Should I NOT have anger towards P? Should I just accept P's avoidance as his way of showing love? Perhaps that works for you and for your daughters, but that isn't how love is conveyed in my world. Love is given freely and without excuses. I apologize if you have thought that I am angry at you. I am not. I feel sorry for you, to be honest. How sad to have to live with "benevolent neglect" on a daily basis and not realize that you deserve more. I deserve more and I am simply taking care of my heart here.
  • (Father's Wife) That I do understand. And, yes, it did seem as though you were angry with me for something I cannot change. Do I respect him for the way he proceeds? No, I don't. But, I have been with him for fourteen years and I have a complete sense of myself that doesn't need his attention. I do know that he loves me and he treats me kindly always. I don't want or need your pity nor that of anyone else, though. My life is full and I am not unhappy. Unfortunately, P does not live in your world. We are hundreds of miles apart and he does not have a communicative gene in him. You can be angry with him all you like. But I do pray that light and love continue to be with you always, Christina.


So, now what? I know my natural mom is going to jump into the fray and I'm not going to stop her. When she talked to P after she found him on FBook, he told her he was in this for the long haul and wasn't going to leave me high and dry. Sadly, that's exactly what has happened.  And what the hell is "benevolent neglect"?  Neglect is neglect, no matter how you try and slice it.

Monday, March 18, 2013

Making A List ~ Post One

"List all the names you've been called, endearing and not so."

Princess
Crissy
Chrissy
Cricket
Crick
Friff
Steener
Pissy
Prissy
Honey
Mom
Mommy
Mumma
Sweetheart
B*tch
C*nt
Bestie
CW
CDubs
Idiot
Chris


*I'm open to answering questions about any of the names on this list...although, I'm sure some of them speak for themselves.*





Sunday, March 17, 2013

Opening Myself Up

Way back when I was applying to colleges, writing my essays, one of the institutions asked me to "Describe who you really are".

Ugh.  I had a hard time with writing that one because honestly, I didn't know who I was.  In many ways, I still don't.  In many ways, I've been stuck as the scared little girl who took on whatever persona I thought would keep me safe.  As a side note, whatever I wrote was enough for that college as I got in with a pretty hefty scholarship..lol.

Tonight I went out to Big Name Book Store and bought myself a new journal for writing and a book entitled "List Your Self; Listmaking as the Way to Self-Discovery", written by Ilene Segalove and Paul Bob Velick.  I'm going to use the writing prompts in that book here on this blog so one day I can hopefully say, THIS is who I am.  THIS is who I was meant to be.

I'm not convinced that I'll be able to stick to the list format though.  But I'm not going to come down too hard on myself for that.  Just the simple fact that I WANT to write again means something.

I'm thinking that maybe I'll make this into a meme.  That means that anyone who follows me can join in and do their own lists on their own blogs.  Maybe?  Maybe not?  Let's see how things go for me first, shall we?

My next post will be the beginning of this experiment...stay tuned!

Friday, March 1, 2013

Oh Brother!


Back in October, I found my natural paternal brother,D.  I emailed him…but didn’t hear back.  Honestly, it didn’t look like he’d checked his FBook in months, so I wasn’t really surprised.  I looked on his friend list to see if my other brother was there, but didn’t see his name.  Hmmm..back to square one.

So now we fast forward to last week.  I checked a few of D’s friends on the off chance that one of THEM was friends with M, my other brother, and OMG.

I found him.  He’s a tattoo artist based out of Virginia.  I emailed him..trying to break the news of my existence very gently, even paying the lousy $1.00 to get my FBook email to his regular inbox instead of that stupid “Other” one.  I waited on pins and needles for a response. 

And then, finally, four hours later…

“Oh cool!!  Nice to meet ya Christina!! :-) “

I wrote back that I was so glad he’d gotten my message and that is was great to meet him too.  I haven’t written him further because I am not sure what to say.  I don’t want to scare him off.  I have a billion questions but somehow can’t seem to formulate a complete thought when it comes to this.   I want to ask about D…want to reassure them both that I’m not going to write our father about any of this because they, like me, are estranged from him.  But how to bring that up?...especially because he didn’t write back after I did… I’m feeling all adopted and shit and am not sure whether he’s truly happy or whether he’s just being kind.

AAAAAAAAAAARGH…lol.  I’m a frigging train wreck.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Take Me Or Leave Me


Wow.  I never expected my last post to generate so many comments, but I wanted to thank each and every person who commented as it just goes to show that there are many varying opinions about abortion and adoption and what is acceptable to write about out there.

All I can say is that this blog is my chance to offer you MY opinions.  Just me.  I don’t expect everyone to agree with me all the time, or even part of the time.  That’s not why I’m here.  I’m here to get my feelings and emotions out, regardless of what POWERDAD may think..lol.  I’m an adoptee and I’m a survivor.  I have a right to my opinions, just like all of you have a right to yours.  Don’t want to hear what I have to say?  That’s fine…just click on the “X” at the top of the screen and be gone.  It’s as easy as that. 

I did have just a few things I wanted to say before I hit “Publish”.


POWERDAD:

I don’t think of myself as a victim.  Like I said above, I am a survivor.  I am not strong because I am adopted…I am strong in spite of it.  And regardless of how you try to spin my words, I do acknowledge that there are certain circumstances where children cannot live with their natural families.  As I stated in my comments on the below post, I believe in guardianship.  Give a child a family but do not take away their heritage and their link to their natural families. 

Chris:

I am really glad you have been reading my blog, but I cannot change the way I am or how I talk or write.  I’m sorry if you disagree with me commenting on other’s blogs but isn’t that the whole point of blogs anyway?  I cannot promise that I won’t continue to point out other blogs or sites that I don’t agree with.  Again, that’s my right..just as it’s everyone else’s right to link to my blog to call me out on something they take offense to.  And for the record, I’m discouraged by the conversation as well. 

Colleen:

I did visit your blog and saw the video of you campaigning outside of the abortion clinic.  You have your thoughts on the matter and I have mine.  Clearly we will never agree…and while I am a bit appalled by your methods, you’re entitled to preach your God’s words any way you’d like.  Please don’t tell me that I’m not Christian or am evil because I don’t go along with your way of thinking though.  Judge not, lest ye be judged, right?

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

So Cliche

I'm wondering if I should put some rainbows and unicorns on the background of my blog and take out any references to my adoptive family so that when I comment on an adoptive parent's blog and they come here to check me out they won't immediately jump on the fact that I wasn't brought up in a happy dappy home.  Sigh. 

I commented on a blog (that I'd actually commented on a few weeks ago, linking to the Open Letter at the top of my blog) yesterday.  It was one of those posts that just eats you up inside. 

I give full credit for the post to the author...no one else would want that credit anyway.  (Lol..at least I can keep my sense of humor). 

So anyway, I replied to a comment the author had left in response to someone else (still with me?) and got a scathing (insert big ass eye roll) comment in return. 

Get to the point Christina..lol.  I know, I know.


Here's the post...

I'm copying and pasting the comments in question.  I'm not sure who "a face in the crowd" is but at least they tried.  I'm the "elenakatherine" in the equation, in case you've been hiding under a rock for the past three years..haha.  I'll be bolding the adoption cliches that we've all heard before but this is an excellent example of all the cliches rolled up into one place by one adoptive parent.  Please let me know if I miss any.  ;)



a face in the crowd on  said:
You do realize, don’t you, that ANY human being on the face of this earth could have been aborted? This isn’t an alternate fate relegated only to adoptees. As an adoptee myself, I get tired of hearing this from every single person who discovers I am adopted. “You are so lucky, you could have been aborted!!” they will proclaim, when yes, I think this is something that has crossed my mind once or twice. It seems to me (from what you have written) that your son’s mother never even once considered abortion – so to thank her now for not choosing something she didn’t choose to begin with? Seems like a slap in the face. To her, and your son.

  • Hello, and thank you for commenting. Yes, I do realize that any child conceived has the potential to be aborted. But, “unplanned” babies are certainly at the highest risk…whereas those who are “welcomed” may perhaps face abortion if they are later deemed not perfect by today’s standards.
    For the unplanned child in the womb, there are basically three fates awaiting him/her: the mother will decide to carry the child to term and raise her child herself or with the support of family members; the mother chooses to abort the child (this is the choice for close to one out of three pregnancies in the U.S.), the mother realizes that she does not have the resources (emotional, financial, family support, etc.) to care for her child, but finds killing her own baby abhorrent, and so she makes an adoption plan. This is the rarest of the three choices..by far.
    Before abortion was legalized, it was not even difficult to adopt multiple children. The family who lived next door to us when I was growing up had four adopted children. But in the 1970′s, waiting lists to adopt became almost endless, and the wait itself often dragged on for years. Many couples eventually gave up.
    Why did this happen? Part of the reason is that changing values made it more acceptable for unmarried women to bear and keep their children. But we know what else happened. We know because we have statistics from the Center for Disease Control and the Alan Guttmacher Institute which have set the number of surgical abortions since 1973 at over 55 million.
    Before abortion was legalized, many of these millions of aborted babies would have been placed for adoption. So, you see, there is a connection.
    My son is an only child, and neither he nor his dad and I wanted it that way. We re-applied to adopt a second child when he was two, but were simply told, “there are no babies…” The agency had placed only six infants the entire previous year. Surely you are aware of tens of thousands of couples traveling out of the US and adopting children from all over the world. Sadly, this is extremely expensive, and many who wish to adopt cannot afford to go this route.
    Having said all of that, I can understand your resentment at being singled out as a special case…an “abortion survivor,” when perhaps you were never in danger of abortion at all. But, there can be no denying that nowadays, millions of babies do meet their deaths in the womb when 40 years ago, they would have been protected by law, and placed for adoption or raised by extended family.
    But, let me make it clear that I do not think infertile couples have a right to anyone else’s child. Our infertility is our own problem, and it is no one else’s responsibility to provide us with a “ready made” family. However, when a woman like my son’s birth mother chooses to give her baby to a couple longing for a child, well that is an inestimable gift. I have read your blog, so I know you don’t like that term “gift,” but I assure you that every child is a GIFT..whether born into its biological family, or entering it through adoption. All children are gifts from God..in my lexicon.
    Finally, I would never presume to ask my son’s birth mother if she had ever considered abortion. However, she appreciated my husband’s poem so much that she kept it for twenty years, and even brought it to her reunion with our son. She also made his birth father a copy…and me as well. And my son, well he has always realized that being adopted makes him a bit different in some ways, but he knows that he is loved by the family who raised him as well as the woman and man who gave him life. Now that he is married, hopefully he will one day have children in whom he will experience both blood and family united, and that for him will be a special joy.
    I wish you well in finding peace with your own situation. Please feel free to comment here at anytime. Thank you and God bless!
    • What strikes me is that you tried to adopt again..but there were no more babies. If you truly wanted to help find a family for unplanned children, why wouldn’t you have adopted out of foster care? Truly unbelievable.
      And, that son you adopted, has two families. The one that he was born into and the one he got put into. Both real…both equally as important.
      • Elena, I am astonished at how angry you seem to be at me…a stranger. I do believe that I heard from you a few weeks ago, when you left me a link to a long post on your blog about how dreadful adoption is for all adoptees, etc. I did read every word of it carefully. Obviously you, and those you associate with have very deep and painful feelings about having been adopted. I am so sorry that you are suffering, but it is not true that all adoptees feel the same way. I have known many adopted young adults who have no interest in even finding their biological parents. Each person is unique, and each will have a different experience in adoption. I am so sorry yours has been hurtful.
        My own son enjoyed the search for his biological roots, but once re-connected with his birth parents he was satisfied, and for several years now has only casual contact with them. That is his choice….as is the decision regarding “which” family is more important to him.
        It is strange that you would think it “truly unbelievable” that my husband and I did not adopt out of foster care. Having a biological child as well as adopting any child is a most personal decision. Only the people involved know their own strengths and capacities. It is certainly not for others to judge.
        Elena, I do hope you can find peace with the past that you cannot change. You look quite young, and so have so much life to live. I pray it will be beautiful for you…and I wish you well. Peace.
        PS Elena, I just visited your blog and read a few posts. I learned that you did not grow up in a very loving adoptive home, and in fact referred to it as “abusive.” In that case, I can certainly understand where you are coming from. Please know that your bad experience surely has impacted your views on adoption. I agree that being adopted, even under the best circumstances, can be a challenge, but in a truly loving home, an adopted child and his adoptive parents really can become a real family.
        I am happy that you have re-connected with your mom and extended family. Sounds like that worked great for you! And..most of all, so happy you have your own little ones to love. I look forward to that for my son…family that he not only loves, but also can “see” himself in. We couldn’t give him that. But he does own our hearts. Wishing you only happiness…




Sigh. So many thoughts running through my head. First and foremost, what I want people to take away from this post is this:

It doesn't matter about my childhood. It doesn't matter what kind of home life I had...AT ALL. I lost my heritage. I lost my rights to my original birth certificate. I lost my family. And yes, I have reunited with my mother and my siblings. I do have a beautiful life in spite of being adopted, not because of it
.
And by the way, "littlesoul2", that Open Letter you read? That letter was supposed to make you think...not get defensive. It makes me sad that most (not all, because I know I have awesome readers who read this blog and can understand where I am coming from) adoptive parents read my posts and just dismiss me as an angry person. There's a difference between being angry and having anger. I have anger towards the adoption industry as a whole. She said it herself, "there were no more babies". GOOD, I say. You know what that means? It means that more mothers were keeping their children...it means that instead of "making the ultimate loving sacrifice", more women were realizing that they'd rather abort the child than condemn them to a life of missing out on their family.



Monday, February 4, 2013

Apparently, I’m In A Foul Mood Today A.K.A. Get It Straight


I have a car.  It’s MY car..not yours.  I own a house with my fiance.  It’s OUR house, not yours.  I have a job.  Granted, it sucks, but it is still MY job, not yours.  I have parents (several of them, in fact).  They are MY parents, not yours.  This computer I’m typing on?  MINE…all MINE..and NOT YOURS.

And for the record, that woman who is giving you her child via the “miracle of adoption”…is not YOUR birth mother.  She is your adopted child’s mother.  And while I’m sure it makes things seem all cozy in your world to call her YOURS…it’s just not right to refer to her that way.

I can’t tell you the number of times I have read adoptive/potential adoptive parent’s blogs in which they say, “We talked to our birth mother today!”.  No, you talked to an expectant woman who may or may not decide to hand over their child to your care.   

Sigh.  Just stop it already.

**I LOATHE the words "birth mother" used in combination but figured I would use them for emphasis.


Unreal


After I had my daughter back in 2000, I couldn’t imagine loving anyone as fiercely or as much as her.  She was amazing (still is, but I’m biased..lol) and I cherished every moment of her babyhood and toddler years, even when the Terrible Two’s hit with a scary vengeance.  Then I became pregnant with my son…and rather than have to make room for him in my heart, I was in awe of the way my heart expanded and multiplied a thousand-fold for this new tiny being.  Having grown up in a household where love was considered a privilege and not something to be given out freely, I didn’t understand the “Love multiplies” phenomenon until I experienced it firsthand.  I don’t love one of my children more than the other.  I just love. 

Perhaps that’s why I get so frustrated when I read adoptive parents getting angry and proclaiming, “WE’RE her parents!  We are raising her..we are the ones who take care of her on a daily basis!  Us!  We!  Me!  Me!  Me!”.

Why is it that as parents, we can say, I don’t love one of my children more than the other…but when it comes to children having more than one set of parents, as do all adoptees, or children whose parents have remarried, or in the case of my children, have a man (my fiancĂ©) who has been in their lives almost forever, suddenly there is a contest for who is the best.  Why can’t we just agree that love is love is love is love and get on with life?

Friday, January 25, 2013

Follow Me Where I Go


Back in August of last year, I started a new blog.  I posted there a few times but then pretty much forgot about it because I lost track of things and could not seem to keep up with it.

Because of my newly found blogging spark, I’m trying again.  It’s entirely possible that once that one is fully up and going, I will permanently retire this one and see where the other one goes.  I can’t promise that all the posts over there won’t contain a lot of the same material that this one does.  But maybe if I rework some of my posts, they’ll come across less angry and more thought provoking.  Again, no promises as I AM angry but maybe there’s a way to tame things down a little?

I hope you all with follow me over there too and let me know what you think.

I have titled the blog “Becoming Elena”.  It seems to fit…and perhaps the reason that I can’t seem to blog coherently here anymore is because I truly am out of the adoption fog that I was born into.  I’ll always be Christina…but I’ll also always be Elena.

And so, dear readers and cherished friends, I give you “Becoming Elena”.

<grin>

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Humbled

It's been a few months since I've blogged.  I had the best intentions to keep going through November, using the prompts at Lost Daughters to light my creative spark.  Alas, I didn't do that.  I stopped writing and I couldn't bring myself to come back to say, "Hey, sorry for ANOTHER long hiatus".

I came to a crossroads.  I began to think that maybe it was time to retire this blog and figure out something else to do.  I mean, I have a huge basket of yarn that I should be using to crochet...I have a Kindle Fire that is loaded with books that I am itching to read.  I have a ton of excuses. 

But then, something happened yesterday that changed my mind about packing up and getting the hell outta Dodge.

I received an email...from a stranger.  A stranger who seemed to know just what I needed to hear at just the right moment.

He had read the open letter written by an online friend and fellow adoptee...and it had moved him enough to write me.  Neither as an adopter..nor as an adoptee...but as a human being.  Truthfully, he'd thought I'd written the letter...which I was truly humbled by as I feel like I don't express myself nearly as well as my friend did.  But then he sent a second email, telling me that he realized after the fact that I hadn't written it but wanted to thank me anyway for my openness on my blog.

I responded...and thanked him for helping to renew my faith in humanity and my blog and the work that I want to do here. 

He let me know that he wants to share my blog with members of his church who have adopted children and who are thinking of adopting so they can get a clearer picture of what the other side of adoption looks like.

I was touched by his candor and his willingness to open himself up to me and I can only pray that I can do the same from now on.

Thank you newfound friend...from the bottom of my heart.  Thank you.