Sunday, April 24, 2011

Good News and Horrible News

Let's start with the good news, shall we?

Friday night I had written my ndad on Facebook and in the course of us "talking", he asked me for my phone number again because he'd misplaced it.  No big deal, I wrote it and pressed send.  Not two minutes later, I got a response.

"Great, thanks!  I'm off to bed since I have to get up at 3:45am but I'll call you tomorrow night around you Dollface..."
My heart stopped.  Did he just say he was going to call???  Me???  Holy crap.

And so, at 7pm last night I went for a drive and tried to calm myself down.  Drove around town...freaking out.  Watched the clock on my car's radio obsessively...counting down the minutes.  And then...7:30 came.

And went.

No call.

I drove around for another fifteen minutes and headed home.  Got things ready to color Easter eggs with Steven and the kids and then at 8:15 just as I was pouring the vinegar into the egg cups my phone rang.

It was my father's wife.  Apparently my dad had had to work at the prison and there had been an escape so because he's on the Emergency Response Team, he'd had to work late.  He'd been frantic when he realized he wasn't going to be able to call me on time and had asked her to call me to tell me that he hadn't forgotten and that he was on his way home soon.  We chatted for a few minutes and hung up.

We colored our eggs and just as I'd finished my last one, the phone rang again.

The call was a bit awkward...neither of us really knew exactly what to say but it was enough for me to finally hear his voice.  And at the end of our twenty minute conversation, I heard the words that both lifted my spirit and broke my heart...

"I love you sweetheart..."

Steven couldn't wait to hear all about it and I told him what had been said.  And I said, "You know, it's like I finally have a father after 36 years...amazing."

Unfortunately, the horrible news now.

Yesterday my nsister came out to visit for a few hours before she headed off to an 80's party with her friends.  We had a bit of bonding time since I had to go to the store to "help" the Easter Bunny out and dragged her along.  As I drove to the store, she turned down my radio and said, "I have to drop a bombshell on you now...Mom was going to email you last night but I told her I'd talk to you today since you should hear this face to face from one of us.  Grandpa's only got three to six months to live...his heart is giving out."

I put on a brave face and we talked about driving down to Delaware to see him before he gets much weaker..but truthfully, I wanted to just pull over and cry.  I barely know my grandfather...and now, my time is limited. 

I met him for the first time back in March of 2009 when I traveled down to his 80th surprise birthday party with my nmother, n-uncle and sister and met the rest of my relatives too.  I remember walking into the restaurant that first night of the trip..watching my mother lean in and whisper to him that she'd brought Christina.  His face lit up and he searched the family for my face.  I stepped forward and gave him a hug...he hugged me back and said, "You're so beautiful...I'm so glad you're here". 

It hurts that I'll have to say goodbye before I've really had a chance to say hello. 

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Mercury Rising

Did you all know that Mercury is in retrograde until Saturday?  Well, it is and all I want to do is crawl into bed and emerge on Sunday once it's over.  Here's a run down of what's been going on.

  • A week ago Tuesday I was driving to work with one of my coworkers...buzzing along happily in my Jeep, talking and laughing about the fact that there is NOTHING good on the radio in the morning.  I was in the fast lane and saw a contractor's pickup truck pass us in the middle lane at a faster speed.  My coworker Chris said, "Uh oh..." and I saw five 2x4's lift up from the bed of the truck and come up into the air in front of my Jeep.  And then they made contact.  Chris had the presence of mind to write down the truck's license plate..which was good in retrospect since they took off.  I pulled over and we assessed the damage.  And folks, we were lucky.  Very, very lucky.  The only thing that happened was that one of the boards knocked my license plate loose.  I mean, you hear these horrible stories of people getting decapitated by flying metal and wood on the highways and honestly, if some of the boards hadn't flown over my roof, I'm not sure what the hell would have happened.

  • One of my other coworkers and one of the managers each lost their fathers this week within one day of each other.  I just went to one of the wakes tonight after work.  It was so difficult to go into the funeral home and have to view the casket.  The last funeral I was at was my grandfather's...and before that, my adoptive father's.  It will never get easier.  I still miss my grandfather...and still wish that my father was alive..if only so I could get the chance to tell him how much of an asshole he really was.  Lol..nah...I don't have any issues, right?

  • Yet another coworker lost one of her good friends last a house fire.  She died with her mother by her side...leaving behind her father, two brothers, sister-in-law and best friend, and her nephew.  She was only 23.

  • Yesterday, my natural mom texted me and told me that her father, my grandfather, is in the hospital.  He's had heart problems and he'd gotten really weak and my step-grandmother couldn't get him up and had to call the ambulance.  I'm really scared that something is going to happen to him...and yet, I still feel like an outsider, like I don't have "the right" to care as much as I do since I only met him 2 years ago.

Wake me up on Sunday...I can't handle all the heartache that my friends and family are dealing with. 

Monday, April 11, 2011

Poking My Head Back In

The longer this blogging hiatus has gone on for me, the greater my anxiety and depression have been.  You'd think this would have catapaulted me back to writing on a semi-regular basis, but noooooooo...not this girl.  Instead I shied away even more....

So what's been going on in my life?  Errr, that question should probably be, what have I been dwelling on in my life... 

~ Made it through another Quarter End at work...with most of my sanity intact.  I'm struggling to find real purpose in what I do though and that's causing me stress.  I hate my job...but I need my job...and that just makes me hate it even more.

~ Even though Steven hasn't proposed yet, I know it's coming eventually (heard from a reliable source) and it's stressing me out not to know when.

~ My son's father is now almost $6,000 behind in child support and arrears and while I make good money at the-job-that-I-hate, it makes me really sad for Chase.  Not that he knows any of the money aspect of things..not at all...but it's not really about the's about respect and being responsible for a child.  (Sorry Ex'sWife if you're reading this, but it's my blog and I can only hold my tongue for so long before I blow like Mt. Vesuvius.  I'm mad and have been really working on forgiving Son'sFather but it's difficult.  If there's one thing that I hate most in this world, it's apathy.  For heaven's sake, why can't people just give a shit once in awhile? 

~ I finally mustered up the energy to clean our bedroom.   Lol..Steven's side of the room is spotless..and while mine wasn't "dirty", it was definitely not up to par with how I wanted it to look and feel.  I want an oasis for us..a romantic place that we can go chill out in together and sadly it was more utilitarian and functional but not very conducive to connecting.  (Get your minds out of the gutter...I wasn't even talking about

~ Still corresponding with my father and his wife.  We are all friends on my third super secret Facebook page, along with my nmother.  It's quite the ragtag group...we've been asking each other questions, like a quiz kind of, to get to know each other.  Some of the questions have been difficult to ask and to answer but we're muddling through.  Haven't told my amother or asister that I've found him...or that we're in such close contact and that's just adding to my anxiety.  I know that I don't technically have to tell them...but I just feel like I should.  Why?  Because I like getting the cold shoulder from my amother.  I thrive on the abuse.

~ Lastly, I'm going to be honest here...I've been really thinking about what PP2.0 said on her blog about me.  And it's made me a bit gun shy.  I was bullied in high school...horribly...and while I want to be able to get my points across, I certainly don't want to stoop to her level of meanness.  I'm trying to figure out how to reinvent my blogging style so I don't come off like a total bitch.

What do you mean, too late?????