Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Ummmm...Clearly Posting Isn't THAT Hard...

I received the following comment on one of my other posts:

ece99dfa-a266-11e0-8b40-000bcdca4d7a said...

Don't post this, it's on the wrong page anyway. I tried to comment on your RAD post, but it's interesting that even though your home page says you want to hear others' views, you make it quite hard to post. I have a RAD kid, and unless you have walked these steps I think you should tone down your rant against her. Her son did not ask to have RAD, but neither did she. This woman has probably endured YEARS of: abuse of her other kids, destruction of her home and her relationships, and loss of the dream for her family she once had. And I think she does still love this kid, she's just tired of it all. She has probably earned the right to vent.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011 11:46:00 AM EDT
So, first of all dear ece99dfa-a266-11e0-8b40-000bcdca4d7a (big ass eye roll), you were able to post on this entry so I'm not sure why it didn't work on the Blog of Shame post below, but we'll just chalk it up to operator error (on your part) and leave it at that.  And as for not posting the comment, you already did so sorry, but I'm not deleting it.  I don't delete comments...ever.

And yes, you're quite correct...the "mother" in question didn't ask for a RAD kid...but she did decide to adopt those children and for her to belittle and bemoan the situation now is just ridiculous and downright disgusting.  So pardon me for having NO sympathy for the fact that she is regretting the decision.  She's treating that boy badly, "RADish" or not. 


Sunday, June 19, 2011

Highs And Lows

Today is my birthday.  My adoptive mother woke me up at 7:00am to wish me a happy birthday.  It was nice but I probably would have appreciated it more two hours

And then I got a text message from my natural mom.  She's far away in Delaware with my grandfather and it's hard to not be able to take off for the day to go see her.

This was the message:

I can't believe I'm so far away again on your birthday...
hoped this would never happen again. :(
I love you like crazy and miss you like crazy!!
I hope you have a wonderful birthday my dear firstborn...
sat in bed this morning and re-lived the day you were born.
(We spent the day at the didn't tan that day either).
As soon as I get home...a weekend is in order!!!
You are everything a mother could ask for and I'm blessed to have
you in my family, life and world.
Have a perfect day my perfect daughter!
Happy Birthday!

Thankfully Steven and Maddie were still sleeping so they didn't watch me fall apart on the couch after reading the text.  I sobbed and sobbed...feeling cheated out of so many years of having a mother.

And from my natural father?  Nothing.  Not a word on Facebook.  I know that he and his wife have her four year old grandson spending time with them right now but I had kind of psyched myself up for a call or an email.  But, nothing.  I mailed the Father's Day card I'd bought last Thursday so he'll probably get it within a few days.  I'm wondering if he'll even realize it was my birthday.

My favorite part of the day had to be watching Steven open his Father's Day gift from me and the kids.  I got him a set of golf he can actually play with the big boys instead of being a pro on Wii Golf.  Technically, he's not a father...but to my daughter, he's a loving stepfather and to my son, he's his "other" dad.  He's all that a father should be...and deserves all the recognition that Father's Day affords.

Thank you all for the birthday wishes here on my blog and on Facebook.  I love you all for making my day special.

Friday, June 17, 2011

My First Post At Lost Daughters

I have started a list in the right sidebar of my Lost Daughters posts for easy access. 

I published my first post this morning, but for those of you who are lazy on this Friday afternoon and are too tired to scroll over and click in the sidebar, here's a quick link for you. ;)

The Other Side Of The Fog

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

The Day-That-Must-Not-Be-Named

It's been almost eight years since my adoptive abuser died.  Dead of a massive heart attack at the age of 68.  In the years leading up to his death, we would "celebrate" Father's Day at my sister and brother-in-law's gifts to a man for whom I'd lost all respect.  I never gave him mushy cards...instead I gave humorous cards...and just signed my name.  I felt like a fake.  But I had to grin and bear it..because it was expected.  And I never went against the grain...never rocked the boat.

This year...oh, this's even more complicated.  I have a father again.  And it's weird. 

I just went out to the store a little bit ago and bought a card for him.  Except I froze in the aisle.  Much the way I freeze picking out a Mother's Day card for my n-mom. 

"Happy Father's Day, Dad"

"I love you Daddy"

"You were the best dad while I was growing up..."


I ended up turning my back on those cards...feeling incredibly awkward.  I picked out one of those sappy generic cards with a ton of writing on them. 

Because I trust you all, I'm going to quote the was written by Cheryl Hawkinson.

I wish you were within hugging distance.
I wish you were right here face to face,
and that we were laughing and talking
about anything and everything
that comes into our heads.
I know there are many ways
to keep in touch these days,
and I am thankful for all of them,
but what I wouldn't give
to have you
in the same room as me.

But I can still imagine it, of course,
and that's what I'm doing right now.
I'm smiling to think about
how much you mean to me,
how lucky I am
to have you in my life...
and I'm hugging you in my heart.

Are you all vomiting from the sappiness yet?  What do you think?

I'm focusing on this more than I probably should...but it's keeping me from thinking about the fact that Father's Day is also the day I entered the world almost *gulp* 29 plus 8 years ago...the day I became lost.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Lost Daughters ~ Spread The Word

After being away from blogging for a few (okay, many..I know, I know...naughty Christina) weeks, I came back to the Adoptee Blogosphere with a renewed passion for writing. 

I count myself lucky to be part of a new blog that Amanda at The Declassified Adoptee started.  It's going to be written entirely by female adoptees...and I can already feel my creative juices flowing.  I just drafted up my first post and it was just so cathartic to feel a part of something...anything...again.

The blog countdown is on.  Just two days off until the kickoff.

Please help spread the word about Lost Daughters!

Friday, June 10, 2011

Like A Brand New Hoover...

I completely and utterly suck big dustballs.

You’ve heard all the usual excuses….work, kids, life. It’s more like avoidance, fatigue and irritation. Those are the reasons I’ve been gone so long this time. Sad that there was a “this time” again..but there it is.

Went on a road trip with my mom and sister (both of the natural persuasion...and for the purposes of this story, since I have no intention of discussing my adoptive mother on this post, I’m leaving off the “n” in front of mom and sister but they are who I’m talking about).

We drove down to Delaware to visit my grandfather…I’d mentioned him in this post. It was a bittersweet weekend. Sweet because I feel like he was really glad I’d come too. On our last sit down with him, he held my hand and my sister’s hand and just looked from me to her, smiling. At the end, we both hugged him…he said to me as I bent over him, “I’m so glad you came to see me..”.

This trip was a bit marred though at the very start. My mom and I had gone to a restaurant for dinner the night before we left for Delaware and while we waited for my sister to arrive we had a very revealing, and painful conversation.

C (mom): So, I found something out from P (natural dad) the other day.

Me (questioning look): What did he say?

C: Well, he told me why he’d broken up with me before my family moved back up North from Maryland.

Me: I thought he was cheating on you…

C: That’s what everyone else told me…but he said that the real reason is that my dad told him to. He didn’t want both me and M (mom’s sister, my aunt) to stay behind. He knew he couldn’t stop M but wanted to make sure I came back with them. He told P to break up with me and to not contact me anymore.

Me: …..Oh my God.

C: P told me that he’d never stopped loving me..that he’d imagined we’d be together forever. I keep thinking how different things would be if I’d stayed and we hadn’t broken up. (She looked at me then with the saddest eyes I’ve ever seen…which is when my eyes began to well up.)

Me (after a long pause): But we wouldn’t have C and G (my sister and brother). I can’t imagine not having them in my life…and I know you can’t either.

C: I know..I just thought you should know. I love you Christina.

Me: I love you too.

My sister arrived at that moment and the tears dried up quickly but that conversation has haunted me ever since. Especially going to visit my grandfather. I know in my heart of hearts that he meant well at the time…but would he have made the same choice if he knew that C was pregnant with me?

I know it’s unhealthy to play the “What if?” game but I can’t help it this time.

I’ve missed you guys. I need you…and I need this blog. Clearly trying to work through this crap on my own isn’t doing me any good.