Thursday, October 28, 2010

Comments From Someone Who Obviously Knows Everything About Me And What I'm About

I received some very enlightening comments on my Pity, Party of One..Your Table's Ready post.  Her name is Chris and she's the blog author of 2 Chicks 1 Hatchling.

Here's the first comment from Chris:

With all due respect from one human being to another, if you would stop attacking other people's writings that you disagree with, perhaps you could focus your energy in a more positive direction. I think its very sad that your blog is directed to making judgments on others. People want to be friends with others that are happy. I dont know what it will take for you to come to terms with your life at it is, and not how you wanted it to be, but I hope you find it. I sincerely doubt that seeking out "Blogs of Shame" and judging other peoples lives is helping you to find what you seek. Perhaps you could volunteer your time to a more worthy cause.


friend of a happy, healthy, adopted child
And my response:
Chris, with "all due respect" the fact that you are a friend of a happy, healthy, adopted child doesn't mean shit to me. Come back and comment on my blog when you're the friend of a happy, healthy adopted adult.

See, what you don't understand is that I don't discuss my issues with being adopted with the "real world". To the outside world, I'm a mother, a girlfriend, a working professional, a good listener, someone who would drop everything to help people out...but here, I can let my feelings out. Much like the AP's I come across in Blogland let all their feelings out.

I have the right to disagree with them. Sorry...but last time I checked, AP's don't hold a monopoly on blogging. Last time I checked, it's not normal to covet someone else's child or to call pregnant women "Breeders" or to pray that a grieving father gives his infant child up simply because there's an infertile couple waiting to scoop the baby up.

Not all the blogs I gift the Blog o' Shame awards to are ones that I've found. Often, they are passed on to me from friends and even complete strangers.

Perhaps you should volunteer at an adoptee support group to see what I'm talking about and what issues you think I should be able to just get over.

So, she decided to post a rebuttal:

My apologies, I said "child" because she was a child when she was adopted. She is now 43. (A former boyfriend of mine lived his whole life in foster care. He was never adopted, and now resides in a prison.)

Also, I did not suggest that you should "just get over" anything. I said that seeking out and attacking others that disagree with you wasn't helping your cause. You have every right to disagree with whomever you choose and use whatever hurtful words you like. If that's what makes you happy, then go for it. The only reason I posted to start with at all was because you mentioned you were unhappy. I think that your negativity may be part of that. Acceptance, forgiveness, and love do amazing things for the soul.
Rather than reply there, I've decided to write down my thoughts in a new post.
The problem, Chris, is that many times adopted adults are treated as children.  We are told to just "get over it" (it being our adoptions and displeasure at growing up with strangers)...that our heritage doesn't matter at all...that we should be thankful for being saved from a dumpster or a crack addicted mother or name-another-horrible situation.
What amuses me is that you give two examples of adopted persons that you know.  One is 43 and is a "happy, healthy, adopted child"..and the other was in foster care, never adopted and is now in *gasp* prison.  Poor foster care boy, huh?  If he'd only been adopted, he NEVER would have ended up in prison, right?  I know people who grew up with their natural parents who ended up on the wrong your implied theory is crap.
I speak out for adoptees who can't yet speak for themselves.  I speak out for adoptees who CAN speak for themselves.  I speak out.  And if you're offended by my tone, then it's your perogative to click the little red "X" in the upper right hand corner of your monitor.  I'll continue to read blogs...I'll continue to write my posts.
I'm NOT happy that there are blogs out there that proclaim that waiting for a mother to give up their child is the same as being pregnant..."paper pregnancy".  I'm NOT happy that there are blogs out there that say that God called them to adopt.  No..the Creator didn't.  They called themselves to adopt.  I'm NOT happy that there are adults who aren't allowed to have their original birth certificates.  I'm NOT happy that there are people who can go to a sperm bank and pick some swimmies and make a child that will never know his/her father. 
That doesn't mean that I don't have happiness in my life.  I have a solid support system.  My boyfriend has stood by me through very bad times...he knows about the abuse..knows about the issues I have with my adoptive mother and adoption in general and loves me all the more for what I've been through.  My children make me happy...24/7.  They are my flesh and blood.  And before I was found by my natural mother, they were the only people in whose eyes I could see myself.  My reunion makes me happy.  Regardless of the pain and the what-ifs that I deal with, I am happy that I was found and that I have natural family members who love me unconditionally.
You told me that "Acceptance, forgiveness, and love do amazing things for the soul".  Yes..they do.
I've accepted that I was adopted into an abusive shithole of a household.  Do I have to like it and keep my mouth shut about it just because I accept it?  Nope.
I've forgiven my natural mother for feeling scared and giving me up for adoption.  Do I have to like THAT and keep my mouth shut about it just because I've forgiven her?
I have love in my life.  Great love.  But that does NOT mean I have to keep my mouth shut and not say things that I think need to be said about the atrocities that are caused...yes, adoption.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Pity, Party of One..Your Table's Ready

Sometimes I wonder what's wrong with me. Well I mean, aside from the obvious adoptee issues I struggle with on a daily basis. I told you all about how my best friend had "broke it off with me" back in May. And I guess I thought, hey, I don't need her. I have plenty of other friends to keep me busy!

Lie. The truth is, I don't have plenty of other friends to keep me occupied. The only people who call my cell phone are my boyfriend, my ex (my daughter's dad), my amom and my nsister. Everyone else just Facebooks me, seems like…can't be bothered. This past weekend, both my kids were essentially gone from Friday night until Sunday night. And while it was relaxing…I was lonely. Very lonely. Steven was off doing some errands and helping one of his buddies for a couple hours on Saturday and I just sat on the couch for those two hours, wishing I had someone to call. Someone who I could go visit and have a cup of coffee with. A "go to" person, you know?

Maybe I've done this to myself. But, on the advice of my therapist, I HAVE been trying to be the kind of friend that I'd want to have. And, it's not working. Do I realize I'm whining? Yep. I guess I just need to whine and feel sorry for myself before I can truly get over it. It just sucks.

That's not to say that I don't appreciate all of you. That I don't know that you are all my friends too. You're all just so far away…and while I desperately wish I could, I can't just call one of you up and say, "Hey, want to meet for coffee?". I have work friends…but they live close to my job and that's an hour away. On the rare weekends that I could get away for a night for girls' time…they are usually busy. I spent the bulk of my growing up years being alone and learning to deal with it but now that I've experienced what it felt like to have a best friend, I long for that again.

Thursday, October 7, 2010


Had therapy tonight.  We've been actually dealing with a lot of my feelings about being adopted and growing up in the family that I was so lucky to have been taken in by bought by.  Tonight I talked about how hard it was not looking like the rest of my afamily.  I mean, the likeness between all of them is astounding..or maybe it just seemed that way because I didn't have any other frame of reference.  Holidays were hard because we were all in the same place, and the differences were glaringly obvious.  Their faces all were shockingly the same...and then there were my sister and I with our thick plastic BCG's and cheap thrift store clothes that never seemed to fit correctly...just didn't fit in. 

But I tried.  I became a master of disguises.  I said what was expected of me..smiled when it was appropriate...laughed at the jokes...listened while my cousins talked about the latest song on the radio or the newest television heart throb...and took on their opinions.  Because it was easier.  I pretended that my family wasn't "off".  That we really WERE one big happy family...that when we went home, the screaming and yelling and scary days and nights were just bad dreams.   Because it was easier.

I still listen to others to find out what the majority is thinking and then I just go along with the crowd.  I don't even know if I could say what I wanted or what I thought because I've never really forced myself to do that.  I am 36 years old and have no idea who I am.  I know the roles I play in my life...mother, daughter and sister to two different families, girlfriend to one, EX girlfriend to a few, employee, neighbor...but those really are just roles.  They aren't WHO I am on the inside.  They aren't my feelings or emotions.

Sometimes I feel like a blank slate...waiting for people to come to me and draw my life in for me.  But, like I told my therapist, I want to draw my OWN picture eventually.  It's terrifying though.

She said that hopefully someday soon I'll be able to figure out what I want to do...if it's Credit and Collections, then great (not likely).  If it's not, then what is it? 

I told her I've always wanted to write...she was very encouraged and asked me if I'd ever written anything.  I told her about this blog...and my other fluffy one.  Can't believe I told her about them, but I did.  She was so excited about it I thought she was going to jump out of her chair.  Truth be told, I'm a bit excited about it too.  I didn't have to think about it for one second.  The words, "I'd love to be a writer" just came out of my mouth. 

And so, the point of this rambling post is to say that I'm going to really try and focus (yeah, yeah, heard that before?) and just...write.  And write my own story...and draw my own life's picture.  And find some oasis in this world...for me.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Knock Knock...

Me: Knock knock...
You:  Who's there?
Me: Nacho...
You: Nacho WHO?
Me: Nacho Mama!

For some of the adoptive mothers out there who are looking for shirts to proclaim their rightful place in the family, here you go:

Clearance Section

Sometimes WTF just doesn't cut it.