Humbled

It's been a few months since I've blogged.  I had the best intentions to keep going through November, using the prompts at Lost Daughters to light my creative spark.  Alas, I didn't do that.  I stopped writing and I couldn't bring myself to come back to say, "Hey, sorry for ANOTHER long hiatus".

I came to a crossroads.  I began to think that maybe it was time to retire this blog and figure out something else to do.  I mean, I have a huge basket of yarn that I should be using to crochet...I have a Kindle Fire that is loaded with books that I am itching to read.  I have a ton of excuses. 

But then, something happened yesterday that changed my mind about packing up and getting the hell outta Dodge.

I received an email...from a stranger.  A stranger who seemed to know just what I needed to hear at just the right moment.

He had read the open letter written by an online friend and fellow adoptee...and it had moved him enough to write me.  Neither as an adopter..nor as an adoptee...but as a human being.  Truthfully, he'd thought I'd written the letter...which I was truly humbled by as I feel like I don't express myself nearly as well as my friend did.  But then he sent a second email, telling me that he realized after the fact that I hadn't written it but wanted to thank me anyway for my openness on my blog.

I responded...and thanked him for helping to renew my faith in humanity and my blog and the work that I want to do here. 

He let me know that he wants to share my blog with members of his church who have adopted children and who are thinking of adopting so they can get a clearer picture of what the other side of adoption looks like.

I was touched by his candor and his willingness to open himself up to me and I can only pray that I can do the same from now on.

Thank you newfound friend...from the bottom of my heart.  Thank you.

Next Time I'm Hitting Delete Immediately

My amother sends me emails usually every day at work. Mostly forwarded emails…chain emails…prayer emails…blah blah blah.

Normally I skim them and hit delete. Today, I had a second and was reading the one she just sent. I wish I hadn’t.

The email was about this contest that was held to find the most caring child.  The child below didn't win, by the way.

Teacher Debbie Moon's first graders were
discussing a picture of a family. One little boy in the picture
had a different hair color than the other members.. One of her
students suggested that he was adopted.
A little girl said, 'I know all about
Adoption, I was adopted..'


'What does it mean to be adopted?', asked
another child.


'It means', said the girl, 'that you grew
in your mommy's heart instead of her tummy!'

The Waiting Game...Again

I sent it.  I sent an email to P on Facebook.  Now I wait for him to reply.  Holy hell I'm in a fog...not an adoption fog...just a fog..lol.

Hi P,

I hope that some of the shock has worn off…I have to say that I’ve been in a bit of a daze the last few days myself. I have written and then rewritten this note to you a hundred times and am hoping that I can formulate complete sentences and thoughts this time.


The basics about me? I have two kids, a daughter Madelyn, who is 10 and a son Chase, who is 7. They are very active and quite the characters. I work as a Credit and Collections Analyst full time and have a long time boyfriend, Steven, who helps me with the kids and life in general..lol.


I’m really looking forward to getting to know you and hopefully exchange a few pictures since C has told me that we look a lot alike and that Madelyn in particular looks quite a bit like you as well.


In peace,
Christina

Okay, Okay...I Get It *Updated*

Of course you're all right. I SHOULD be the one to contact my natural father.  I guess I let the shock of it all carry me along and I ignored the little voice in my head telling me the same thing.


I just emailed her and asked her to hold off on contacting him.
 
 
You know how we were talking about "Him" this weekend? And how you were going to write him?

If you haven't written him yet yourself, can you hold off? See, the thing is, for my whole life, I've let others do things for me...because there is less chance of getting in trouble if someone else takes the heat, you know?


But now, I feel like I'm supposed to contact him myself...to let the chips fall as they may. I'll let you read my email to him before I send it...but I really think it needs to be me to do the driving on this.


Does any of that make sense? I love you and don't want to offend you by even suggesting all of this but at some point, I need to step up and take the heat for myself :)

So now I'll wait to see what she says...but in the meantime, I'm going to start drafting a letter...to "Him".


Updated on 12/6/10:  Soooo, she had already written him.  And now feels lousy about it because she's afraid I'm mad.  I did tell her though that regardless of his response to her, I'm going to write him myself.

Gentleness, Emails and Snickers

Hmmm…work or blog..work or blog…I know, BLOG!


I'm going to say this gently for all of my readers..because you should know by now that I love you all dearly. You're like an extended family…lol..that makes THREE families under my belt ;)

I know the comments within my last couple of posts got really heated..and at times, personal. I'm all for freedom of speech and freedom of expression..but not at the expense of someone's identity. I don't agree with Mongoose..except VERY rarely..I think she'd concur on that point. But as a child, having been mocked relentlessly about my weight, my glasses, my clothes, my hair, my everything, I know how painful that can be to hear.

I spent the bulk of my childhood "losing" my voice because I didn't want to be seen..I don't want that to happen to anyone else. Least of all, my beloved readers..regardless of whether we agree on certain points or not.

Express yourselves…comment to your heart's content…but can we ease up on the personal bits? Please? For me?

Moving on…

Saturday is the day. The big 3-6. I don't say that to get a ton of birthday wishes…just stating that it's coming up..fast and furious. Last week I noticed that my amother was being a bit cold to me on the phone and then just went MIA. Friday, she took Madelyn for her weekly sleepover night at Grammy's and I was able to find out what got her panties in a bunch on Saturday.

Here's the conversation:


Her: So, did you get my email? (said in a terse voice)


Me: No, what email? (genuinely confused)


Her: I sent you an email and you didn't respond.


Me: Which email address did you send it too?


Her: I don't know, whichever one you gave me! (agitated)


Me: My work one, my Gmail one or my AOL one? (annoyed but trying not to show it)


Her: It wasn't your work one..and I don't know what Gmail is (Maddie giggled at this point and I had to give her "The Look"), so it was probably AOL.


Me: That's the email address that I've told you I never check anymore.


Her: Oh! (brightening up considerably) I thought you were just ignoring me!  Well, I was just writing to find out what you wanted for your birthday. 


Me:


Madelyn: (snicker)

Remembering Love

My birthday is in 29 days. I'll be 29 for the *ahem* seventh time. When I was a child, birthdays always brought sadness. Oh, I'd play the game…I'd laugh and smile when everyone sang "Happy Birthday", when really, I just wanted to run away, hating to be the center of attention. I remember every year after the party had ended, laying on my bed, looking out at the moon, wondering if "she" was thinking of me. Did she remember being pregnant with me and then leaving me at the hospital?

I got my answer last year. Here is the email that I received while sitting at work…

Good morning!

and yes I remember what day it is. :)


For 35 years I have wished many heartfelt wishes. I've wondered if you were excited, what your cake looked like, even if you were bummed when it fell on a school day, Personally, I hated the fact that I usually got summer clothes for mine. LOL ANYWAY......I didn't want to just be a "comment" on your Facebook when I finally get to say to you.....not telepathically as I have for years.....Happy Birthday Sweetheart. You have been loved and thought of for every day of your 35 years. I have to admit that all of my worrying for years was for naught....you are an amazing woman. A great mom, sister, friend, and especially...daughter. I won't claim credit for any of that...but to be a part of your life today makes me happy and full beyond belief.


so...Have a great day, enjoy every second, and know that you are very loved and always have been.


this is where I sing to you in my head, usually...but today I'll sing loud.


I love you.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxox
love, Chriss

I felt more loved in the immediate moments after reading that message than I ever felt before. It was amazing, and I cried on and off all day over it.  (As did my friends and coworkers who were allowed to read it).  I carry that feeling with me every day now. When I'm sad, or angry, or confused, I read that email and am lifted up.

More Cringe Worthy Sayings

Along with the comments that you all left on this post, I also received an email from Sandy, a fellow adoptee (and kindred spirit).  She came up with a few more phrases that I'd forgotten:

"Gotcha Day - How does your family celebrate?"...Yup Sandy, I hate that one too.  The whole "gotcha" thing always makes me think of a B-grade horror flick where the bad guy jumps out of the bushes and grabs the poor, unsuspecting cheerleader.

Forever Home - "We want to give a child a forever home." ...Yeah, one that can erase all sense of self in a single bound as soon as you walk through the door.

AP's being upset about Humane Societies using "Adopt a Pet" themes - "takes away from 'their adoptions' and is 'confusing to the child'" ...I'm STILL confused by adoption and I'm a frigging adult.

"Medical history may be nice to have but you can be proactive in how you live your life" ...Never heard this one myself, and for that I'm very thankful...::vomit:: 

Thanks Sandy...appreciate you stopping by!

Insecurity

It's going to be a hard holiday for my nsister.  Her fiance passed away in July at the tender age of 22 so this will be the first Christmas without him.  I'm worried about her...and know that she needs my love and support right now.  And so, I invited her and my nmom to our house on Christmas Day.  I told Cate (sis) that they were more than welcome to come and just get away from their town and escape for a few hours.  Didn't think anything of it until I got an email from my nmom.

She didn't think that it was a good idea for them to come to our house.  That it might stress out my afamily to have them there.  That the timing might not be great. 

I wrote back:

so here is the thing...i invited you guys to christmas because i'd love to share the holiday with you. I already passed it by Cindy and she was perfectly fine...as my mother would be. I totally understand if you aren't ready though, but just know that I'd love you to come :)

Have to go wrangle Chase into the tub..lol. Hope you had a great day!!


Love you!
 
She hasn't responded yet...but I did get a joke email from her today so she must not be too mad.  What gets me is that it shouldn't feel this shitty to have the invitation rebuked.  But it does feel shitty.  And they've already all met...under much worse circumstances...Cate's fiancee's funeral.  I hate that I can't share holidays with my family...my whole family.  I feel so fucking torn apart tonight.
 
I just want to spend Christmas with my mom.  Both of them.  Maybe that's selfish and too much to ask, but right now, I don't care.