Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Soul Loss

I copied and pasted the below post from one of my archived blogs...feeling particularly adopted and abused today.

soul loss,
n in Lakota Indian philosophy, a condition in which a patient's nagi (soul) becomes detached from his or her body because of neglect, abuse, or rejection. Ceremonies are performed by a healer to find the nagi and bring it back to unite the spirit and the body.

*The above definition was taken from here.

I've always felt "lost", but could never understand why that was.  Just thought that was how everyone felt at one point or another, but now I'm realizing that there's something "different" about my feelings.

Common symptoms of soul loss are as follows (I've added my own notes below each symptom):

- Feeling depressed, especially chronically so

* I've struggled with depression throughout my life, not necessarily upset about anything in particular, just upset with life in general.

- Being stuck, unable to move beyond certain challenges or obstacles

* I always seem to dwell on the situations that have affected me negatively in my life..specifically my horrendous choices in men…and my high school years.

- Not being fully present

* Sometimes I will be with a group of people and can feel myself shrinking away from them, into my own little world.  It's safer that way for me.

- Feeling disconnected from life, others and self

* I have always felt like the world is passing me by and I'm missing out on things that others are enjoying.

- Experiencing low self-esteem

* If you've read any of my beginning entries on this blog, you'll understand that low self-esteem is my biggest obstacle.  I feel like people are always watching and judging me harshly for the way I am, look, or act.

- Harboring deep seated shame

*Yes, but the question is, ashamed of what??  Of being adopted?  Of being abused??  Of what???

- An inability to trust others

* Why would I want to trust anyone when all they do is disappoint me and make me distrustful? 

- Difficulty staying focused

* I do tend to be haphazard when it comes to my work life…I jump from one project to the next.  I always blamed it on being bored, but perhaps this explains it better.

- Unable to feel and express a range of emotions, stuck in a certain emotion (angry, sad, fearful, etc.)

* This rings true as well…I feel "okay" for a few days, then I get stuck in being depressed and sad.  For weeks…sometimes months even.

- Chronically lacking energy or feeling tired

* Sometimes I feel like I'm sleepwalking through my days.  Like I'm a robot…doing what I have to do to exist, but always feeling fatigued…physically AND emotionally.

- Feeling as if you lack purpose, direction or vision

* I don't allow myself to look too far ahead into the future because if I do, I'm usually thinking, "How am I going to screw this up?"  I don't allow myself to have purpose or direction because I set myself up to fail from the start.  I have a horrible problem also in that I can't make decisions.  About anything…even the mundane "What do you want for dinner?" questions.  I called myself a "chameleon" the other day in speaking to another adoptee because I wait for someone else to voice their opinion and then I just go with whatever they think is best.

- Being unmotivated in some or all areas of your life

* It's a constant struggle to get myself psyched up to face the go to work, to take care of the do anything.  I'm sure that drives my boyfriend crazy!

- A tendency to repeat the same destructive patterns in life

* Perfect example being the men that I've chosen in my life.  Most of them have been narcissistic and more concerned with themselves and their own happiness than with me or our relationship.  And yet, I keep doing it.  My boyfriend now is a saint compared to a lot of them!

- Invested in being “perfect”

* I was invested in being perfect, tried being perfect, and had become "content" with being the "bad" daughter…the black sheep.  My sister is the perfect one…married, two kids born into that marriage, house, college  education..the whole nine yards.  Me?  Unmarried (living in, two kids born out of wedlock, house (okay, I have that one), and had to drop out of college because there was no more money left to pay for my education.  Not that I'd ever begrudge my sister her degree, but her college of choice was really expensive and we couldn't even afford the state school I went to for a year.

- Consistently experiencing high levels of stress, anxiety and worry

* There isn't a moment in my day that my brain isn't worried about something.  Money, food, my kids…you name it, I worry and stress about it.

-A feeling of being incomplete

* I feel like I am a puzzle that has 1,000 pieces and all the pieces are colored black making it next to impossible to put the pieces back together.  

-Lost memories, like a part of your history is "missing"

* This is a big one.  I always feel left out of the conversations when people are talking about their childhoods because I have effectively blocked a lot of the memories from that period in my own life. 

Will I ever feel "normal"?  Is it possible that there is a way out of this lackluster existence?  I talk the great talk when I say that I'm happier than I've been in a long time, and maybe that's the honeymoon period of my reunion showing itself…but truth be told, in my darker moments, I'm still the girl who is afraid of rejection and will do whatever it takes to make people accept me.  I don't do well with conflict and have been known to "back down" from my adversaries to avoid it at all costs.  The only exception is when my kids are involved…then I become the Momma Bear protecting her cubs.

1 comment:

  1. Hi there, I'm familiar with most of these naturally, being an adoptee too.The last one seems the key to most of the others and I found that reunion and knowing/researching my family history made such a difference.
    The passing of time does make a difference too and much of the 'normal'angst of parenthood,working years, mortgages etc can be passed through in time.
    That leaves adoption and although I can have very down times they are brief and don't come frequently and are always related to something I can identify.I expect to have to live with that.I've made hard decisions about previous partners to break the cycles, sometimes you have to break a pattern and it sounds as if you have.I can't recommend skilled help too highly if you can run to it.Very interesting post.
    Good wishes......hope a more up day comes soon.


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