I'm having a really rough week. In "real life" I'm floating through...can even laugh and joke around at work..just like normal. But inside, I'm slowly falling apart.
Friday night, I was getting ready for bed. Was just sitting on the couch..finishing my wine.
All of a sudden, things got cloudy and I felt like I was going to pass out. It was like I was transported back in time to my childhood bedroom. My father was laying on my bed...
The memory went on...and while I will not go into details, suffice to say, when I realized where I was actually sitting and that I wasn't in my old room, I started sobbing from the knowledge I'd been wrong all these years. My father really did molest me and I'd pushed the most horrid memories out of my mind. God it hurts to even write the words. I knew he'd been "inappropriate" with me...but this is different. This is trauma at its worst.
I'm in such pain. I think it's time for therapy again. This is just too much to bear.
I need to talk to someone...tonight. I feel like I'm having an anxiety attack..just writing about the experience is causing me to panic.
How is it no one commented on this? Truly sorry you suffered from that cruel animal's depravity. Had physical but not sexual abuse when I was growing up from my Dad. He's sorry now and I only recently realized the impact from that. Sorry you also didn't know unconditional love until you were a Mom.
ReplyDeleteProbably because I had written it on another version of this blog and no one was following me at that time.
ReplyDeleteI did see your comments on my last post but am working so can't fully comment. I will though.