Thursday, February 25, 2010

Fun and Games

I'm back to feeling "okay" after my therapy session the other night.  I ended up back on my boulder, watching Keeper rock while sitting in a huge rocking chair...surrounded by ginormous soft red pillows, and clutching the security blanket I'd been attached to as a child. 

As I sat in the chair in the office, my therapist told me to ask Keeper, this little eight year old Christina that I'm beginning to get to know, what her "job" is.  Since Keeper can't speak, I saw her pick up a large, gold padlock.  She just sat there, staring at me...swinging the padlock back and forth.  She's the guardian of the secrets..and doesn't trust me enough yet to let me in.  I was told to ask her what she does for fun...and she just stared, cocking her head to the side.  She doesn't know what fun is.  Does she want to learn how to have fun?  She just stared.  Not yet. 

Then, it was time to invite Five on the boulder.  She showed up wearing a pink party dress with white tights and Mary Jane patent leather shoes.  She was quiet as well, but agreed to sit in a small rocking chair and listen, holding onto a very worn teddy bear.  At my therapist's prompting, I asked Five if she wanted to have fun.  She started to look anxious..I could tell immediately what the problem was.  Her mother.  She didn't want to make her mother angry...didn't want her to know about the boulder...didn't want to have fun if she was going to just get in trouble later on. 

I asked Five if she wanted to throw the fear of her mother finding her into the river..carrying the fear away with the water..and she did.  It took awhile, but at last, she understood that her mother would not come for her on the boulder.  That it is a safe place, far from the prying eyes of her captor.

Before Keeper and Five left me alone on the rock, I took Five in my arms..and we cried together.  I told her how sorry I was that she was scared...sorry that she couldn't enjoy being a little girl and have fun.  The tears poured from her eyes..and we sat there.  I didn't want to let her go...but I promised that she could return any time she wanted.  Keeper was just watching us from her perch on the rocking chair...and I told her that she was welcome as well.  She stared..and nodded.

It's a start.

I'm angry though.  Yes, yes..I AM an angry adoptee.  I shouldn't have had to constantly look over my shoulder...I should have been able to have fun.  I'm not even sure I know how, even now. 

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Quiz Kid

I happened upon this blog today.  In poking around, I came across some questions that the blog author had asked of some of her adopted friends.  I decided to answer the same questions and am going to comment on her blog so she knows that there is at least one adoptee who thinks that adoption isn't the best choice for a child.

1. How old were you when you were adopted?

I was six days old..June 25, 1974.

2. How were you told you had been adopted and at what age?

I always have baby book was even tailored for adopted children.

3. Were you ever spoken to in a negative way about being adopted by friends, classmates or family members?

My adoptive mother told me on more than one occasion that she wished she could "send me back". 

4. How did you handle questions or comments about your adoption?

A few years ago, when I was still in the "Adoption is all rainbows and sunshine" fog, I would have told them that it was great and that everyone should do it...that was until I started really remembering the abuse and the pain of my childhood.

5. Did you ever seek out your birth parent(s)?

No...I always wondered about them though.

6. Were your adoptive parents supportive of your decision to meet or to find your birth parent(s)?

My adoptive father is dead...Satan rest his soul.  My adoptive mother pretended to be supportive, but she is completely defensive and possessive now.

7. What made you want to find your birth parent(s) or to meet them?

My natural mother found me via Myspace...and contacted me on July 11, 2008.  As soon as I read her email to me, I knew that a hole in my heart, the existence of which I had denied for my entire life, was finally filled.

8. Has adoption affected you positively or negatively?

Definitely negatively...I'm a lost soul...and it's only through therapy that I'm really starting to integrate all the abused pieces of me into one.

9. Do you have siblings? Biological or adopted?

I have a 39 year old adopted sister, a 26 year old natural brother and a 23 year old natural sister.

10. If you have adopted siblings, was it beneficial to have someone you could relate to?

My adopted sister and I went through a war together..and can look back on the situation and realize how crazy and horrible it really was.  She's one of my best friends and I'm glad I have her..

11. Do you view adoption in a positive light?

No.  It rips apart families and causes a lifetime of pain.

12. Would you like to adopt? Why?

No...I wouldn't want any child to grow up feeling the pain that I felt.

13. Any advice for adoptive parents whose children may be experiencing negative feelings about being adopted?

Don't plan "Gotcha Days"...don't ever make the adopted child feel like they need to be grateful, or that they saved you from infertility...don't paint adoption as a wonderful thing...embrace the fact that your child will feel the loss of their natural families for the rest of their lives.

14. What would be your number one piece of advice for adoptive parents?

Don't adopt just because you cannot have biological children of your own.

15. Anything else you would like to share? Anything prospective adoptive parents or those who have already adopted should know?

Even if you give your adopted child the "best life" ever...they will still feel loss.  Doesn't matter if they have a huge bedroom, a swimming pool or a pony in the backyard.  Their hearts will ache.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Falling On Deaf Ears

I really need to avoid my Google Reader for awhile.  How many times have you heard me say that?  Lots, I'm I'm sorry, but I'm repeating myself again.  I found this little bloggy nugget of "goodness" yesterday and it touched off a commentpalooza.  Read the blog and the comments and then come back.  Go ahead, I'll still be here...

::humming the Jeopardy theme song::

Back?  So, I'm curious to hear your thoughts.  I'm throwing it out there.  Am I off base for being offended by the talk of trivializing first parents?  Am I off base for being offended to hear that adoption doesn't cause loss?  I have to be honest, towards the end, I WAS practically begging for them to listen to the voices of the adoptees, but I know in my heart of hearts, that that is a pipe dream. 

But there was a moment when I was sitting there, reading the comments of my fellow adoptees, and commenters that I didn't even know, that I felt surrounded by warmth.  They are the ones who "get it".  And many of the adoptive parents that read this blog "get it".  I'm not a hater.  I may not agree with everyone all the time, but I'm not a hater.  And to read the comments on that blog saying that the potential adoptive parents should simply ignore the negative stories and anecdotes and comments just really hurt me to my core.

I retweeted some of the tweets that Noel, her husband, and one of their friends posted.  Most memorable was this, posted by one of their minister friends:

"Don't know why people think they have to be heard.."

That one phrase really struck a huge nerve with me.  For my entire life, I've been stifled.  Been told that my opinions don't matter...been told to keep my mouth shut and just take whatever is thrown my way.  Well no more.  Fuck that.  I'm tired of being silenced.  You don't have to agree with me..but you should have the common decency to listen.

The blog author's husband ridiculed me for sharing anecdotal stories in response to his questions...but then when those that agreed with them shared stories, it was all good.

Peggy did nail it on the head though with the following quote:

"Sometimes the road to someone else's Hell is paved by your good intentions..." 

So true. 

Tuesday, February 16, 2010


Lloyd is my nfather's last name. I keep rolling that around on my tongue, tasting it, feeling it…and it feels odd. What is this man like with whom I share part of my genetic makeup?

My nmom has told me he wasn't nice…was a cheater, a liar…sent back the letters she'd sent him, telling him about my pending birth. And yet, I'm intrigued. Which is why I asked my nsister to ask her for his last name. I know his first name, and know that Madelyn is apparently the spitting image of him. And since she is the spitting image of me, I must look like him too. I know for sure that he's the reason I'm so short (5'3") compared to my "little" brother (6'5") and sister (5'9"). Beyond that, he's an enigma. Rumor is that he spent time in prison for running a chop shop somewhere in the mid atlantic states…but googling his name has left me empty handed.

Truthfully, growing up, I never really thought about him. Only dreamed about my nmom…wondering if she was out there somewhere, wishing on the same stars I did. Odd to realize that I didn't particularly care one way or another about who the other part of the equation was…Mother + Father = Christina.

Of course, my equation changed the instant I was adopted. Suddenly it became A(Mother + Father) + ASister -N(Mother + Father) = Christina.

Difficult to put into words what the subtraction of my nparents has meant in my life. I know that a lot of adoptive parents reading my blog don't really understand what that loss actually means in terms of their own adopted children…but I can tell you from experience that simply deleting the N(Mother + Father) from their life equations won't erase the haunting thoughts that may one day return…exponentially.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Just Call Me Screwy Louie

Been taking a little bit of a break from thinking about anything adoption related. I've been experiencing strong flashbacks in therapy and while my therapist has been trying to "calm me down" before I leave our sessions, I still find myself extremely tired, agitated and irritable for a few days afterwards. There's only so much a girl can handle and I think I've reached my limit.

I have other issues that are on my mind at the moment too. I think I've mentioned that my Credit and Collections contracting job is being outsourced to India come the end of April. I have been trying to stay positive because it looks like I'll be hired on full time by the company but of course, there's no guarantee. My managers have been trying to help all of the contractors on my team (eleven of us total) find positions and while I'm grateful (hate that word, but it fits here) that they are helping, I'm still extremely stressed out and nervous. I have a car payment, groceries to buy, household bills to help pay (although my boyfriend is my hero and does so much for me and the kids), daycare to pay…etc. etc. etc. I don't get much in the way of child support from my son's biological dad…not even enough to cover the cost of afterschool daycare. It's just so frustrating to work so hard and then to have the rug pulled out from underneath you. I know I'm not the only one in this boat…but that is but a small comfort right now.

And today I have to go to one of the other buildings for a career development function and am praying to all that is good and holy in the world that I won't have to talk to anyone (other than the coworkers/friends that will be going with me) because I've been having a really hard time speaking without "blocking" on the words. Another little gem of crappiness that I've been working with my therapist on. My mother called our house last night and I couldn't even answer the phone without having to pause and stammer out the words "Hi Mom". It was my MOTHER for pete's sake..not a stranger…and yet, I still had to stand in the kitchen trying to will my voice to work. ::thud::

I really am screwed up, huh? Writing it all down just hammers that home to me. I am so tired of being damaged.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010


I wish with all my heart that Affiliation started with an "O"..because that's the only letter that my sweet girl missed.  She beat out 26 out of 33 kids tonight..and I told her over and over (as I held my sobbing girl) that I wouldn't be any less proud if she'd been first out of the competition.

I got a good picture after she'd stopped crying at home...

Annnnd...a not so good picture before we'd even left the house...

Lol..but that one doesn't even compare to THIS ONE from last year...

"Buzzz..." Goes The Bee

Heading out of work soon to screw home and get ready for Madelyn's big night! She received first place in her class spelling bee and tonight, she and about 30 other kids are competing in her elementary school's competition. I think she's really nervous, but I know she'll do great :) I'm rushing to the store to pick up flowers and a "So proud of you Sweetheart" card for my girl.

I've got butterflies in my stomach and it's not even ME that's going to be onstage tonight!! Will update later with the results!

Thursday, February 4, 2010


I have to be honest, sometimes I have a really difficult time reading some of the articles on Grown In My Heart's website.  Really difficult.  But other times, I can see that they are trying to include us adoptees in their discussions and it gives me hope.

Imagine my surprise today when I opened my Google Reader and saw that GIMH had updated their list of the 101 Best Adoption, Loss and Fertility Blogs and saw my blog..this blog..included with a lot of the blogs that I already follow.  I'm honored..truly. 

I hope that you'll stop by the post and read some of the blogs that are mentioned there...(not just mine, although I'm really glad that you read my blog and hopefully take something meaningful away from my words)'s crucial that everyone knows where the other members of the Adoption Triad stand.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

New Look...And Ancient Pain

Okay guys, so I'm reeeeeeally technically challenged but managed to figure out how to change my template on Blogger.  What do you think?  I'm not entirely convinced that it'll stay like this but I'll live with it for awhile.

This has been a crap-ass week.  It started last Saturday when Libby's (my Jeep Liberty) battery died.  Sigh.  And continued on with a health scare with my a-mom.  She was having heaviness in her chest and tingling in her arms. 

Now, regardless of the fact that my a-dad was a prick my entire life, he DID die of a massive heart attack so I'm very conscious of my mom's physical health.  Thankfully (in these emergency circumstances anyway) we only live about fifteen minutes away from her so I was able to get her to the emergency room quickly.  She's okay.  All of the tests she had came back okay. 

I have to tell you, it scared the crap out of me.  As much as she drives me nuts and makes me want to tear my hair out, I don't know what I'd do if she passed away.  It'd be easy for me to say "Fuck her!" for all the shit she put me through as a child and even as an adult, but it's a lot more complicated than that.  Even through all the abusive years and the yelling and the screaming..for better or for worse, she's my mother...just as my n-mom is. 

Therapy was craptastic tonight.  Just peachy.  Bawled my eyes out on the way home...realizing more and more how incredibly fucked up I am in the head.  My therapist has this amazing ability to take me to places that I would really rather not revisit.  But I have to.  I have to close my eyes and see my little five year old self and have actual conversations with her...I have even rocked her in my arms and cried with her.  I have talked to the Keeper of the eight year old self.  Tonight I tried to break through the fear and get the Keeper to let me help the littler one, hereafter known as "Five"..but she just stared at me silently in my mind and slowly shook her head...holding Five's hand the whole time.  Sounds crazy doesn't it?  It feels crazy to write it..but it's happened.  Just as the abuse happened.  Fuck.

**ETA...Help!!!  (Did I mention I'm technically challenged???)  Last night when I checked the new blog layout/template, the widgets were on the right hand side of the they are below the the hell do I fix that???  Anyone??  Anyone????  Bueller???????