Friday, October 30, 2009


You asked for've linked to my personal not-so-much-about-adoption-blog so you can read about the beginnings of my reunion with my natural family.

Enjoy...and feel free to poke around that site too.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Adoption Carnival Three

I'm again participating in Grown In My Heart's blog carnival..Photos of Adoption. Join in and make sure you utilize Mr. Linky at the site to add yourself into the mix.

I debated about posting pictures of the day that I was taken from the adoption agency...but those photos now symbolize pain and anguish.

Instead, I decided to post a couple of pictures of my natural mom, sister and me at our first face to face meeting on August 20, 2009. A mere 39 days after our first contact. That day was one of the best days of my life and holds a lot of meaning for me. It was a rebirth of the planets in my life had finally aligned.



I may post the story of our beginnings here on this blog....if there's the interest. I sometimes fear that I might get boring droning on and on about my reunion. Thoughts?

Monday, October 26, 2009

In Absentia

I've been absent from this blog for a few days...and I've been missing it. But life as I know it has changed and I've had to figure out my next steps. And it's scary.

I'll take 'Jobs That Are Being Shipped Overseas' for a thousand Alex...

What is MINE?

Yup. I'm a contractor...hired with 10 other people to call up companies and collect on their bills that are less than $250K. The actual collectors that work for the company I'm contracted for are safe. They get to keep their jobs. And we, the contractors, get the pleasure of training our offshore counterparts when they arrive in January. Then, once they are trained, we'll be 'released'.

I'm in a better position than some on the team though. I've actually worked hard to get to the top and to get noticed by the management. Two weeks ago I was handpicked to move over to the actual collectors side to cover for someone who's out on maternity leave. And as the Head Honcho told me when he called me into his office the morning after the announcement was made, historically the ones that have been asked to fill in on that side have been hired. So, I may live to call another customer and tell them to pay their bill.

Everyone say a silent prayer for me, please?

Monday, October 19, 2009


“In every conceivable manner, the family is link to our past, bridge to our future.” — Alex Haley

The above quote, found while surfing around Grown In My Heart, really touched me tonight. Because for me, as an adoptee in reunion (it's still weird to say that), I immediately thought of my natural family. They really are the link to my past...and now, as I slowly make my way towards recapturing my place on the family tree, they are the bridge to my future.

Yes, I have my adoptive family. My asister is my best friend...we're like soldiers who have made it through a hard tour of duty...and survived. My amother, while she completely and totally sucked when I was growing up, has slowly realized that she can't push my buttons anymore because I refuse to let her...and that's brought us to an uneasy truce. I love her. I'd be lying if I said I didn't...but can I say that I like her? No. She brings out my worst fears as a mother. I don't EVER want to be the mom that she was. My children deserve more than that. And my afather...he taught me to avoid relationships where the male is the dominant figure...that abuse is NEVER okay...and that I deserve better.

With my natural mother and family, there were no expectations. On either side. When I went down to Delaware in March to celebrate my ngrandfather's 80th birthday, it was the first time I was meeting most of the family in person. And what struck me most was that their claims of loving me all these years were the truth. I WAS thought of...I WAS celebrated...and it really DID feel like I'd just been away at college for a few years. Our reunion was THAT easy...and has given me more peace than I've ever experienced.

I have a tree. And the loving branches of that tree have shaded me from the storm, even when I was scared and alone.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Who Cares...

about ME? I know this post is going to sound selfish...but maybe I need to be a bit selfish as I work through my issues and limitations. Bear with me as I might just vent a bit, or even *gasp* swear.

I love my best friend...really...with all my heart, I love her. She's funny, quirky, free spirited and beautiful, inside and out. She's also had a really hard life. And she's severely depressed. To the point of threatening to not take care of the fibroid she has because she WANTS it to turn to cancer so she can just end it all. Now, I know that you all aren't privy to her life's problems...but I am. And I know what she's been through and how much she's struggled. Trust me, she's really had it rough.

Tonight she texted me and sounded really down. Really down. And I had to use all my charm and wit to bring her back to at least throwing in an "LOL" once in awhile. What gets me is that not once did she ask how I'm doing in therapy...not once did she ask how I'm handling MY crap. Because it always seems like whenever we talk, there just isn't enough time to deal with both of our stuff. And I usually just push my emotions aside to help her.

That's how I've always been. I'm a People Pleaser. That's been my role ever since was better to just scuttle around anticipating what needed to be done, rather than waiting to be yelled at. Sometimes I was able to head the screaming off at the pass, but more often than not, it didn't matter how hard I tried, I'd just fail. I wouldn't pass Go and I certainly would not collect $200.

Most of my friendships are like the one I have with my best have most of the boyfriend/girlfriend relationships I've had. I try so hard to be the 'good friend' or the 'good girlfriend' that I just stuff all my feelings aside...and end up being resentful. It freaking sucks. But I don't want to lose my friends...of course I don't. I just want to feel validated once in awhile. Is that too much to ask??

Sometimes I really have to wonder.

By the way...I'd like to share a blog post that my friend had passed on to me. I'm interested to hear what my fellow adoptees have to say...and also what the AP's who read this think...even if you don't want to comment on my blog, please just read it.

Here you go...

I'll try and blog about my feelings surrounding the post tomorrow or Sunday...

Thursday, October 15, 2009

My Happy Place

Therapy last night...and because I'm just overwhelmed in general right now she walked me through some guided imagery...and helped me find my "happy place".

My happy place is at a river, atop a very large boulder that is nestled in the middle of that river. The top of the rock is very flat, and big enough for me to create a safe, pleasant, peaceful atmosphere..surrounded by all of my favorite things.

The water soars by the rock, and I can see a bend in the river which carries the water away from my awareness and consciousness. I lay in the sun, just soaking up the good feelings, focused on my breathing.

When I am quiet and at peace, I take all the worries and anxiousness of the day and of my life and throw them gently into the river...letting them all go, taking note of the color that the water turns as the stress hits it. I return my attention to the rock for a few minutes, sinking into the peace and bliss.

I check the color of the water again, for me, the stress and overwhelming despair colored the water black..and would get progressively lighter the longer we went on.

I honestly hope I can recapture that feeling when I try and bring myself back to that was beautiful there.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Adoption Carnival Two

I'm again participating in the second Adoption Carnival, over at Grown In My Heart.

Join in, but make sure you leave your link here to the rest of the carnival-ers.

Tell us about names this month…How did you name your children? Did they come to you with names? Did you change them? Did your parents change your name? Do you not feel connected to your name?

Basically, what is in a name?

"We called you Princess…"

For two whole weeks after I was adopted, I didn't have a name. I was just called Princess. If you've read any of the rest of this blog, you'll realize how ironic that name really is. I was most definitely NOT treated like a princess…more like Cinderella.

My aparents didn't even know how close they were on the waiting list to obtaining a child until they got the call that they needed to come to the agency that afternoon. There was no crib set up, no clothes hanging in the closet, no stuffed animals waiting to be hugged, no diapers…nothing. They called neighbors to help get things organized and bought while they were out picking me up…but did wait long enough to be given an outfit to bring me home in.

When we got back to the house, the neighbors had painted a sign for the front lawn.

"Welcome Home Baby W…….. # 2"

Even then I was designated as second best…and it was a role that I excelled in. My sister was the smarter one…she rarely got anything less than a "B+" in school, while I struggled to achieve mostly B's and a few A's sprinkled in for good measure. She didn't need to practice the piano and understood theory better than me…probably why I quit when she stopped taking lessons. She was on the Honor Society in high school and I didn't even get one of the alternate spots. Always # 2. Always in the background.

When they did name me, it wasn't because the name "Christina" had any particular meaning attached to it, but because it went well with my sister's name (Cynthia).

I've never felt attached to my name. Never felt like it fit me. When I was younger, I'd often wonder what my "real" name would have been if I hadn't been adopted..especially during my darkest hours. My sister's name, come to find out, would have been Cynthia either way. Her natural mother had chosen the same name that my aparents did. The only difference was the middle name. Jean was what her nmother picked out, and Louise was what my aparents did. And even then, Louise is my amother's middle name, as well as my agreatgrandmother's middle name. My middle name, Lynn, was pretty much just picked out of a hat.

Now though, I know my "real" name. I know who I would have been had I stayed with my mother. And while my nmother says that she loves my given name, that it suits me better…I secretly wish I could change it…to Elena Katherine.

The only bright spot to this story? My aparents may have picked my name out of the air because it sounded nice…Christina Lynn…what they didn't know…is that my nmother's name is Christine Lee.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009


My stomach is all tied up in knots. I hate therapy days. I'm anxious, nervous, panicky…and it's stupid because I've been going now for what, a month??? Sheesh…you'd think I'd get into the swing of things by now. And the crap part of it is that tomorrow I know I'll be anxious, nervous and panicky because it's over and I have to wait another week to go back. Gah!

And I'm feeling sad today for my asister, brother in law and my two nephews. Yesterday my sister and brother in law were having coffee in their breakfast nook/den area and their dog, Celia, was laying on the couch across the room. When it was time to get up and get ready to start the day, my sister went over to wake up Celia. She called her name a few times then rested her hand on Celia's back. She'd been gone for a little while…was a little cold to the touch. They immediately got the boys (they're eight and five) and brought them in to say goodbye.

They left her laying there while they all got dressed and at one point, my sister walked by the den and saw a piece of cheese on the couch next to her. My nephew had placed it there because, "Cheese was her favorite treat Mommy…". Breaks my heart.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Out of Sorts

Been feeling out of it for a few days. Just a general sense of "blah". I just can't seem to pull myself out of this funk..and it's really not anything specific that I can put my finger on that's causing me this angst.

I got a text message from one of my friends last night that I told her I hadn't gotten til this morning, thus the reason I hadn't responded..but the truth was, I'd started crying after I read it and couldn’t text back. She knows the whole story…she's read this blog.

Thx 4 being my friend!
I love you..things will get better 4 u, I promise :)

In my head, I know that eventually things WILL get better…but right now, in the middle of it, my heart is broken for the little girl I once was and it's hard to tell HER that it will get better.

I think I might have to take a break from commenting on other's blogs…or posts on forums. I just don't feel like it's healthy right now for me to get upset at perfect strangers for doing what they feel best for themselves….regardless of how sad it makes me for the adoptees who might one day end up like me. Waiting eagerly for the next email from my natural mom…waiting for the phone call from my sister…and then hearing about how they (nmom, nsis and nbrother) all hung out the other day. And while I recognize that it's easy for them to all get together since they live in the same general area, it still hurts my heart that I still feel like I don't fit in.

Where do I belong?

The other day in therapy, I used the following analogy to describe how I'm feeling about my reunion. It's like I'm standing on the ground and all of a sudden this huge crack opened up in the earth beneath my feet. One foot is on the side with my adoptive family..and the other is on the side with my natural family. I feel like I have to make a choice on which side to jump to and my "grateful" adoptee side is saying, "Adoptive side! Adoptive side!" but the "fuck you for destroying my self-esteem" adoptee side is saying, "Natural side! Natural side!".

Maybe I don't have to make the choice…but sometimes I think it'd be easier if I did.

Sunday, October 4, 2009


I was supposed to have a dentist appointment tomorrow...and so I'd had my therapy pushed off til Wednesday. But I had to cancel the dentist due to a lack of funds (stupid job with no dental insurance) until my next paycheck. Now I'm feeling anxious because I'm not going to see my counselor for another few days and I've been having panic attacks all week.

Had to pick up my son from his stepmother this afternoon...and that just added to my anxiousness...she just makes me feel like she's just stepped in dogshit when she sees me..and while maybe I should give her the benefit of the doubt (after all, she really could have just stepped in dog shit before she saw me today) I have a feeling that she's just angry that she has to have any contact with me at all. Sigh. I can only control my reaction to her...not her reaction to me.

I just have to hang on til Wednesday...I can do that. Really...I can.

Friday, October 2, 2009


My natural mom, sister, brother, yours truly and my son:

Copy of GCCCC

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Self-Righteous Ninny

Remember how I said I had commented on an article yesterday? Well, I couldn't help myself today. I wish I HAD helped myself remember that I'm a better person than some of the other commenters and kept my damn mouth shut. This is what I found when I went there today.

LoveBrown said: ElenaKatherine, my dear, go to church. God will assist. Maybe you should bring your children with you. You may even want to look into some professional therapy. I prayed for you last night, and will continue to do so. I can see from your creative use of text messaging (aka: KTHXBYE) that you are young. You are also unmarried and filled with resentment. I am so sorry for your life's circumstances. I can see why you may be somewhat jealous of this writer...married, Godly, gorgeous, and presumably wealthy. I hope you decide to go to church to rid yourself of these evil emotions that so easily overcome you. Jealousy, resentment, hate, self-righteousness, these are all of the devil and you need to be healed, my dear. God is with you.

Annnnnd..this was my response..

You're just chock full of presumptions, aren't you sweetheart? Bless your cold, cold heart. I am 35 years old, work in a highly professional environment and take exemplary care of my children. Whether I'm married or not has nothing to do with it...I have been in a long term relationship for many years and it doesn't take a ring on my finger to prove that I am worthy of love. I'm most definitely NOT jealous of the writer. I'm very glad that I'm NOT her in fact because I wouldn't want to be her in several years when her yet-to-be adopted child starts questioning the loss he/she feels and she remembers the adult adoptees who tried to warn her of the feelings the child will have.

I am worthy of my God's love..and yes, I do attend church, as do my children. At a church that my sister is the minister of. So, remember what they say when you assume...

The only life's circumstances you need be sorry about are the facts that I grew up without my real parents...that millions of adoptees do not have access to their original birth certificates...and that millions of adoptees do not have access to their own medical history and family genealogy.

And before you begin calling me, or any of the adoptees who have spoken out against this article and others like it, self-righteous take a look in the mirror and realize that you're the pot calling the kettle black.

And people wonder why we adoptees are angry??