Thursday, September 30, 2010

Adoption Screening?

Please read: The Benefits of Doing an Adoption Screening

I'm confused by the whole "like with like" statement.  Let's say the child is adopted as an infant.  How exactly can you match that baby with adopters who are like him or her?  I guess you can match a blonde haired, blue eyed girl with blonde haired blue eyed aparents...but what other criteria would be suitable?



In my case, I did semi-resemble my adoptive parents with my looks...but I definitely wasn't loud or mean.  I went to church because they went to church, but not because I had been born wanting to go.  I listened to Elvis Presley and Hooked on Classics, not because I particularly cared for them, but because that's what my amother would play on the record player every Saturday while my sister and I cleaned the house.  I absolutely hate seafood, while my family loved it, and they would always bitch and moan when they had to find restaurants in Maine on our vacations that would cater to my picky eating habits.

"In fact, adoptions were generally indistinguishable from indentured servitude at best, whereby room and board was provided in return for labor for a set number of years; it has to be considered a relative improvement when adoptions became much more like apprenticeships, providing at least some training in marketable skills."

It's good that adoption became less like slavery and more like apprenticeship how exactly?  Because of the "training in marketable skills"? 

I was trained in how to hide my feelings.
I was trained to not speak up for myself.
I was trained how to cower in the corner.
I was trained to pretend that our family was perfect.
I was trained to expect to be yelled at at least twice a day.
I was trained how to stop myself from crying to avoid being beaten.

Great marketable skills, huh?

Sunday, September 26, 2010

A Blessing In Disguise

Instead of getting upset at the car accident or at the cold that I have...I'm thankful.  Cannot get into specifics here but suffice to say, I have a feeling that the universe is looking out for me.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Cheating Just A Bit

I posted this on my favorite adoptee forum earlier and because I'm tired and cranky I'm just cutting and pasting.  So those of my friends who have already read this whiny-ness, feel free to jet.

My daughter gave me a cold...a horrible, rotten no good "head feels like it's stuffed with cotton and rocks" cold. And, there's an elephant sitting on my chest.


I made it through work up until 3pm and then asked my manager if I could leave early, go home and sleep. (Didn't fucking help that my wonderful *ahem* boyfriend had used all the daytime cold medicine and DIDN'T FUCKING TELL ME).

Left work and all was well until I was a half hour up the highway. Was in the fast lane but the cars were all crawling because of road construction. The truck in front of me braked and then stopped. I braked and then stopped. The jeep behind me? Didn't stop. At.All.

My jeep's okay...relatively. The back door won't open, the bumper's possibly hanging on by a bolt and is scratched and ripped in a few places. What burns my ass too is that my friend had put on the tire cover I'd found at a flea market right before I left work today and now IT'S ripped too with pieces of glass in it.

I know it could have been a lot worse...and looking at the jeep that plowed into me, I am VERY lucky...but I just feel so lousy and tired and didn't need this today.

I should have just stayed at work and suffered.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Coffee Talk With Christina: Part Two

Been feeling a bit out of it lately...again..lol.  So it's time to jumpstart my blog with some more cawfee tawk, inspired by some very special friends/readers.  What?  You can't stop laughing about "cawfee tawk"?  I AM from Massachusetts after all, gotta have the accent on my blog sometimes even if I don't have one when I'm talking..haha.
 
This installment's questions are brought to you by the lovely Von.  Thank you...love you!
 
"Did you try "Julia Cameron's The Artist's Way"?"
 
Try it?  No.  Seek out the website and decide that I'll be seriously getting into it very soon?  Yes!
 
"Where do you see yourself in 10 years time? 20 years time?"
 
Hmmmm, well in ten years time my kids will both be out of high school (OMG, that was difficult to write).  I'd love to be working in a job that I want to go to rather than one that I'm at now.  It's a daily struggle to drive there, knowing that I'm going to be stuck in front of a computer monitor all day.  But the quandry is, I have no idea what I want to do.  What am I good at??  I have no clue.  Yikes. 
 
In twenty years, holy jeebus, I just hope I'm still around to see my kids happy with the lives they are living.  Perhaps I'll have grandchildren (HOLY JEEBUS)...or helping to plan a wedding.  Most of all though, I hope I'll feel fulfilled and pleased with the progress I've made as a person.  I picture myself healthier in the future...finally free from this stupid weight that I'm carrying around...not just the physical weight but the emotional baggage as well.  It seems so far away some days.
 
"What adoption reforms would you like to see happen?"
 
First and foremost, open access for all adoptees to their original birth certificates.  It's a civil right that is denied to millions of adoptees because...well, honestly, I'm not really sure why.  Do I think that adoption will ever be entirely wiped out?  Sadly no.  But that doesn't mean that it's not worth fighting for...and striving for.  Why not legal guardianship?  Why does it have to be adoption?  If it's truly about the best interests of the child, why is taking away their heritage okay?  Answer:  To me, it's not.
 
"What is your most precious dream?"
 
You know what?  I've never allowed myself to truly dream. 
 
I used to dream of going to and graduating from college...had to leave after a year though because dear ol' adad lost his job and I had to move home to help work to pay the household bills. 
 
Then there was the dream of getting married and having kids...with a beautiful house complete with a white picket fence.  Well, I have the kids..lol.  And, you'll all be the first to know if and when I get proposed to by Steven...  I'm going to be honest here...I get horribly jealous of my friends who did get married in their 20's. Like I'm not part of the club...and to which I can never gain entrance.


But I made choices in my life that crushed the "perfect life" dream and I've stopped allowing myself to even daydream about it because I just end up disappointed. 
 
I have no idea if I truly answered your questions Von or just scratched the surface, but you definitely gave me food for thought. 

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Courtesy of the Marvelous M

I just commented on M's blog and told her that she's going to be a guest Blog of Shame award writer one of these days.  She's captured the emotion and horror that we all feel reading some of the blogs that are out there in cyberspace.

Thanks M.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Think You've Seen It All?

Check out this lovely bit of vomitrociousness.

For Pete's sake, and once we all became defogged we thought Cabbage Patch Kids were offensive?

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Blooming

Seven years ago on this coming Sunday, the twelfth, my afather died.  As I've written about before, every year on that date (or the nearest weekend) my family gets together and plants flowers and takes pictures of all of us surrounding the grave.


Creepy.  Or, I should say, it creeps me out now to think about it.  What's funny is that after he died, when I'd thought I'd forgiven him for being "inappropriate" with me when I was a little girl, I'd go to the cemetery every chance I'd get.  I'd water his flowers religiously, loving how my mother would say, "Your dad would be so proud of you". 

Now, I want to take a can of black spray paint and write "Child Molester" across the lighthouse tombstone that I had found for his grave.  It's taken me over a year of therapy and many sleepless nights to get to this point, but I'm here.

My asister called me at work today...here's the conversation:

Me: Hi, this is Christina...

C: Hey, it's your sister...bad time? 

Me: Nope..just staring at this godforsaken spreadsheet, willing it to implode on itself.

C: giggles I see...sounds exciting..haha.  So, Mom asked me to call you about Sunday.

Me: thinking and feeling a bit panicky

C:  She said that she is pretty sure you weren't going to want to go to the cemetery this year. 

Me:  Yeah, that's pretty much where I'm at.  I mean, if you guys are going out afterwards, we could probably meet for lunch or something.

C:  That's what I figured.  And, I don't blame you at all.  Because it's Sunday this year I can't go because of church (my sister is a minister and has to preach on Sundays).  Chris, I have to tell you, I'm a little surprised that you'd even come for lunch...since he'd be talked about, you know?

Me:  I think I'd be okay.  Emotionally...physically I can't do the cemetery but I should be okay for lunch.

C:  Do you want to give yourself a day to think about it?  See if you change your mind?

Me:  laughs Well, I do have my therapy appointment tomorrow night...

C:  Perfect!!!  Talk it over and see what comes up.  I'll tell Mom that I talked to you and you're going to think about it.  No need to tell her that you're waiting til you talk to your therapist...

Me:  Hahaha..yeah., good point.

More chitchat and then we ended the call.

Most of you reading this, well aside from the "Meanie Haters" and those who haven't joined me as minions yet, know how HUGE this is for me.  I am finally speaking up for myself...I'm finally able to verbalize what I need.  I've never been able to do that.  My friend at work knows my whole story and after hearing what was said between me and my sister said, "Holy shit Christina, I feel like throwing you a party!!!  That's awesome!"

::tosses confetti::  You're all invited ;)

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Have You Ever Said This?

I'm linking from The Declassified Adoptee's (Amanda <3) blog today, because I think it explains an adoptee's angst much more eloquently than I could...lol...and probably more nicely too.

"But You Don't Know What It's Like!"

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Coffee Talk With Christina: Part One

Way back on August 6, I was whining endlessly lamenting the fact that I was experiencing writer's block.  I asked for some help and I'm finally getting around to taking the time to answer the commenters' questions.

Diane, from An-Ya asked me the following (her words are italicized):

"Tell me about you when you were 10. Not quite a little girl...not yet a teen...what were your dreams? Did those dreams come true? Did your dreams change as you entered your teen years? If so, why did they change?"

I was an odd child.  All through my childhood, I was strange.  Never comfortable in my own skin...embarassed when people noticed me.  Fifth grade was no different.  I had the stupidest hair cut...ever.   And my glasses...well, let's just say, I don't call them "ugly ass glasses" for nothing. 

Don't believe me?  Take a look at this picture.  Second row, second in from the left.




It's okay, you can laugh.  Hell, I can laugh now.  But back then, I knew I was ugly...knew that I didn't fit in.  Knew that my teacher hated me...but that there was nothing I could do about it.  I loved the Fall and the Spring when I could escape to the woods and climb trees and make up stories of how I was actually a princess that was being help captive, far from my family and castle.  THAT was my dream.  That one day, my family would come looking for me and save me from the misery that was my life...a dungeon from which there was no escape.

My dream didn't come true until two years ago.  July 11, 2008..the day of first contact with my natural mother.  On that day, I was freed from the dungeon. 


"If you could travel back in time and talk to yourself...what would you say? What words would you use to comfort your 10 year old self?"

I spend a lot of my therapy sessions comforting my five year old and eight year old selves.  I am learning how to give them the love that I lacked from my adoptive parents...and to help them see that I can keep them safe now.  That it's 2010 and everything that happened, happened in the past...it's over.  I'd tell my 10 year old self to hold on.  That one day, she's going to grow up and have friends to talk to and to love her.  That it doesn't matter whether the teacher likes her, or teases her for her stutter.  None of that matters...because I love her.  And I haven't forgotten about her and the pain, loneliness and abuse she's going through.

"10 years old was a hard age for me. I am interested in how it played out for you...and anyone else who is reading along."

Every age was hard for me.  Not trying to be a smartass here...it's just how it was.  Oddly enough, I don't really have many "memories" of those years, per se.  I just remember how I felt.  Empty.

Anyone else want to share on the questions that Diane asked me?  Feel free to use this as a jumping off point to discuss. 

Thanks Diane...I'll be answering the other questions from that post in the coming days.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Not Only Mean But Crazy

You, yes you...my readers...are mean.  Not only are you all mean, you're crazy.   And you are ALL my personal minions.  No, really..you are.

Because SHE said so.

I feel like I should give myself a title..."ringleader" just doesn't roll off the tongue.



Yup..clearly she's right..and I'm wrong.  I have no idea what I'm talking about...and neither do any of you. 

I'm not an adoptee either, right? And she didn't really say that she wasn't going to encourage M to enter rehab before M handed over her child to her and her wife? 

Sigh.

A lovely quote from the linked post...

"These people (meaning all of us mean, crazy, disturbed people who have nothing better to do than bother this poor woman) have only served to make me want to advocate for adoption all the more! All of them are really lucky to never have suffered the devastation of infertility, miscarriage, or adoption disruption. It makes it easy for them to judge people they know nothing about."

Ummmm...try being adopted and being out of the fog.  It's no picnic either sweetheart. 

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Ummm, What About Adoptees?

This blogger has put out a question to her readers..specifically her adoptive parent readers on what insensitve comments people have made to them and how they respond since there's another side of things apart from what "birthmothers" hear. 

See, there's another side that she doesn't mention.  The adoptees' side.  It's not just natural mothers or adoptive parents who have comments hurled at them that hurt.


And while I know I've blogged about that before, I'm blogging about it again.


For example, after being found by my natural mom, I received comment after comment about how angry I should be that she disrupted my life. They wouldn't ask me how I was feeling about it, just asked, "Oh, how is your mother doing?".  Literally, that was the first thing people said.  Yeah, because my world hasn't just been shaken to the core or anything..::big ass eye roll::.

They say, "How can you love someone who'd just give you up to someone else like that?" but in the next breath say, "Adoption is wonderful for everyone, all of the time". It's hypocritical, don't you think?
"You could have been aborted..isn't it better that you were adopted into a family?" First of all, everyone on the planet could have been aborted. And second of all, yes..I was adopted into a family, but most of the people who say that have no idea of what that family life was like for me or my adoptive sister.

"Aren't you grateful to your parents?" If by grateful you mean that I'm thankful they didn't kill me? Then yes. They had the good grace to keep me alive. But if by grateful you mean that I should be grateful for them saving me from a horrible life with my natural family, then no. I'll never be grateful for that.

"Heritage and biology don't matter..it's love." This irks me too. How many of you have had family tree projects in school? And how many of you have had to lie on those projects and put down names and relations and the countries they came from..only to feel like a fraud after the project was done. And how many of you have had to consistently write "Adopted ~ N/A" on medical forms your entire life because you have no idea what diseases may run in your family.

My adoptive mother once said to me, "Oh, you'd better get that checked out, XYZ runs in our family."

Yeah Mom, about that...