Two weeks since my last therapy session. Sigh. Wasn't too bad today...could have been worse I suppose. Tonight was spent yelling and screaming. Yes, on purpose.
I had expressed my recent frustration at my son's father and the child support I'm not getting.
Actually, that's not true. I'm getting some support. Just not the right amount.
He's court ordered to contribute $112.50 every two weeks. That's it. It's $45.00 plus $11.25 towards the arrears he owes me per week. So, here's what I've gotten the past four cycles:
08/11/2010 $46.13 TRANSFERRED TO BANK
07/28/2010 $19.40 TRANSFERRED TO BANK
07/14/2010 $23.69 TRANSFERRED TO BANK
06/30/2010 $53.96 TRANSFERRED TO BANK
Notice the amounts? Divide them by two and you'll see what I actually ended up getting per week.
Is it any wonder why I'm pissed off sometimes?
So, my therapist told me that while we were tapping, we were going to yell. Didn't matter if I swore...didn't matter what I said...it just mattered that I got it all out.
And so, I tried. I expressed all the things that have pissed me off recently and even in the past regarding my relationship with my ex. Curious about what those things were? Here's a sampling...
-Calling CPS on me when Chase was a few months old...because he had a diaper rash and the sniffles
-Getting irritated with me for checking my watch every five minutes in the car as we drove to the hospital because I was in labor.
-Leaving me at the hospital so he could go home and chill out on the computer until the actual birth of our child...and almost not making it back in time.
-Not allowing Chase to attend my afather's funeral because he didn't want him to be around so much sadness...Chase was six months old.
-Posting rude and vulgar things on his Myspace profile about me
-Blaming me for keeping him from Chase when in actuality, he left the state and ran away to Louisiana to make a new life for himself. Honestly, I think he would have blamed Hurricane Katrina on me if he could have..lol.
-Not coming to my side when I got in a major car accident with my 2 and 1/2 year old daughter..and five months pregnant at the time.
-Letting my car's battery die in the middle of a snowstorm and making me go out and jump it because he was afraid of getting shocked by the wires.
Now I was pretty damn proud of myself for venting about all that stuff...but after we were done, she looked at me and said, "You know, that was pretty polite...some of what you were saying he'd done made me raise my eyebrows...but you were just...mild...".
We worked through why that was. She asked me what would have happened if I'd yelled and screamed in anger as a child and I told her that would have never been tolerated. It just wasn't safe. I kept my emotions in check so I wouldn't get in trouble and have to deal with the wrath of my mother.
Some days, I feel really fucked up.
Showing posts with label EFT. Show all posts
Showing posts with label EFT. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Layers of Sad
I was an ugly kid. No, really. That's not just my imagination, and anyone who says differently after seeing the pictures *shudder* is a liar. Wrong hair, wrong clothes, wrong glasses...wrong, wrong, wrong.
Because of my low self esteem, the other night in therapy, we did some EFT work surrounding one particular situation that happened in seventh grade. I share it with you now so that maybe you'll understand why it is I'm so f*cked up.
We had some sort of English project that we were working on...can't for the life of me remember what the project was...and we had to bring stuffed animals into class that day. I don't know what I brought in, but I do remember what one of my classmates did. He was sitting across the aisle from me and had one of those 'Wrinkle' puppies on his desk. He decided it'd be a great idea to take the stuffed bone that was in the puppy's mouth and throw it on my desk.
"Here you go Doggy. You look hungry."
I didn't say a word. Not one word. Just felt my face get beet red as the rest of the class giggled.
We worked on that memory for awhile and at the end, I was feeling okay about it. When I thought of the bone, I could no longer feel my chest tightening or my face getting hot.
"How are you feeling now?"
"Sad.."
"Is there something specific you're thinking of?..."
"I just feel like there's all these layers of sad that I have to go through...and it's overwhelming."
"There ARE a lot of 'layers of sad' and sometimes you have to peel all the layers back and work on them one at a time to really heal..."
Sigh.
Because of my low self esteem, the other night in therapy, we did some EFT work surrounding one particular situation that happened in seventh grade. I share it with you now so that maybe you'll understand why it is I'm so f*cked up.
We had some sort of English project that we were working on...can't for the life of me remember what the project was...and we had to bring stuffed animals into class that day. I don't know what I brought in, but I do remember what one of my classmates did. He was sitting across the aisle from me and had one of those 'Wrinkle' puppies on his desk. He decided it'd be a great idea to take the stuffed bone that was in the puppy's mouth and throw it on my desk.
"Here you go Doggy. You look hungry."
I didn't say a word. Not one word. Just felt my face get beet red as the rest of the class giggled.
We worked on that memory for awhile and at the end, I was feeling okay about it. When I thought of the bone, I could no longer feel my chest tightening or my face getting hot.
"How are you feeling now?"
"Sad.."
"Is there something specific you're thinking of?..."
"I just feel like there's all these layers of sad that I have to go through...and it's overwhelming."
"There ARE a lot of 'layers of sad' and sometimes you have to peel all the layers back and work on them one at a time to really heal..."
Sigh.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Jumble-I-Ah
My head is a little busy this morning. Can't seem to settle my thoughts down enough to be able to type about them. I'm definitely jumbled and apparently will need to wait til later to blog about last night's therapy session. It was rough...and it was difficult...but I'm okay.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Tapping Out
Been a difficult weekend. My father's passing was six years ago yesterday and I spend the bulk of my day today at the cemetery planting chrysanthemums at his grave with the kids, my mother and my boyfriend. My feelings this year are not ones of grief though. Suffice to say, I'm going through a lot right now and really, I didn't even want to go to the grave this year..as horrible as that might sound. But I went to make my mother happy...just like I went to the family dinner she wanted to have last night at a restaurant. Sigh. I would have been fine at home with a bowl of macaroni and cheese..but I'm not at the place where I can talk to my mother and sister about what I'm going through.
I'm going back to therapy tomorrow..already. I'm glad though in a way because I know that it's important to keep the momentum going. Did I even tell you how it went at last week's session?? I just looked, and nope...I kept you all in the dark.
My therapist is trying something called EFT therapy with me. It's basically acupuncture, without the needles. There are phrases that are said, while you tap on different points on your body. I know..I was skeptical too..until she had me think of the flashback I had and by the time we'd used the technique several times, my inner reaction to the flashback had changed. I felt..'lighter'. Better than I'd felt in years. I used it again before I went to bed that night and actually slept through the night. Again, I haven't had that happen in years. Maybe it's just a placebo ::shrug:: but even if it is, I'm willing to try anything for some relief from this terrible burden I've been carrying all my life.
I'm going back to therapy tomorrow..already. I'm glad though in a way because I know that it's important to keep the momentum going. Did I even tell you how it went at last week's session?? I just looked, and nope...I kept you all in the dark.
My therapist is trying something called EFT therapy with me. It's basically acupuncture, without the needles. There are phrases that are said, while you tap on different points on your body. I know..I was skeptical too..until she had me think of the flashback I had and by the time we'd used the technique several times, my inner reaction to the flashback had changed. I felt..'lighter'. Better than I'd felt in years. I used it again before I went to bed that night and actually slept through the night. Again, I haven't had that happen in years. Maybe it's just a placebo ::shrug:: but even if it is, I'm willing to try anything for some relief from this terrible burden I've been carrying all my life.
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