I know that I gave her a Blog of Shame award...but I'm actually turning my thinking around about Laura of "The Lola Letters" fame. I honestly think it's admirable that she was able to acknowledge that maybe her words had hurt, rather than helped...something I work on figuring out every day.
Laura is doing the "30 Days of Truth" challenge. I think it was supposed to be 30 weeks, but honestly, I sometimes forget to put on deodorant..do you really think I'd be able to stick to 30 weeks of posting???
And so, I'm starting today, with Day One.
Day 1: Something you dislike about yourself.
I dislike the fact that I stutter. Haven't talked about that in awhile, but I'm bringing it to the forefront right now. I haven't answered the house phone in years, unless I know who it is. Truthfully, I have some sort of "block" on the word "Hello". A simple word really. And one that I can say in normal conversation, but call me on the phone and I block.
Blocking means that I pick up the phone and cannot physically say the word "Hello". Weird? Yep. I know. That's what frustrates me the most. It's just so random and awkward. 9 times out of 10 I let the call go to voicemail. The tenth time, I switch it up and say, "Hi, this is Christina" instead.
Speaking of "Christina", I can't say that either. If I'm in a group of people and we're all introducing ourselves, the logical thing would be to just say your name while shaking the person's hand. Nope, not me. I have to say, "My name is Christina". Drives me batshit. I hate social situations in which I'm trapped into speaking. That's when my anxiety is at its highest.
Why does this happen to me? Why does my heart start to race when the phone rings or when I have to say my name? No clue. But again, it drives me crazy and just adds to my feeling of self-loathing.
Have you cringed yet? I hope not. I'm learning that it's just something I'll have to deal with for the rest of my life..it's part of what makes me, well, ME. I can't change it, might as well learn to live with it.