Thursday, January 13, 2011

30 Days of Truth ~ Day One

I know that I gave her a Blog of Shame award...but I'm actually turning my thinking around about Laura of "The Lola Letters" fame.  I honestly think it's admirable that she was able to acknowledge that maybe her words had hurt, rather than helped...something I work on figuring out every day.

Laura is doing the "30 Days of Truth" challenge.  I think it was supposed to be 30 weeks, but honestly, I sometimes forget to put on you really think I'd be able to stick to 30 weeks of posting???

And so, I'm starting today, with Day One.

Day 1: Something you dislike about yourself.

I dislike the fact that I stutter.  Haven't talked about that in awhile, but I'm bringing it to the forefront right now.  I haven't answered the house phone in years, unless I know who it is.  Truthfully, I have some sort of "block" on the word "Hello".  A simple word really.  And one that I can say in normal conversation, but call me on the phone and I block. 

Blocking means that I pick up the phone and cannot physically say the word "Hello".  Weird?  Yep.  I know.  That's what frustrates me the most.  It's just so random and awkward.  9 times out of 10 I let the call go to voicemail.  The tenth time, I switch it up and say, "Hi, this is Christina" instead. 

Speaking of "Christina", I can't say that either.  If I'm in a group of people and we're all introducing ourselves, the logical thing would be to just say your name while shaking the person's hand.  Nope, not me.  I have to say, "My name is Christina".  Drives me batshit.  I hate social situations in which I'm trapped into speaking.  That's when my anxiety is at its highest. 

Why does this happen to me?  Why does my heart start to race when the phone rings or when I have to say my name?  No clue.  But again, it drives me crazy and just adds to my feeling of self-loathing.

Have you cringed yet?  I hope not.  I'm learning that it's just something I'll have to deal with for the rest of my's part of what makes me, well, ME.  I can't change it, might as well learn to live with it. 


  1. Isn't it weird how hard we are on ourselves? Like I am reading your post and I am saying "you feel self loathing over THAT????" I am not trying to minimize it. Just that truly I bet no one else notices. You could almost have fun with the phone thing. Pretend you're the maid and put on a vedddy british accent and announce "Bates Residence" Or be like my 25 y/o with a big old friendly "yup." My wife says "joe's bar and grille joe speaking" all the time. LOL And I don't think saying "my name is Christina" is weird either. I always say "Hi, I'm Lee, it's nice to meet you." Literally, that exact quote. I was extremely shy as a kid and I think when I got in a job where I had to have a happy demeanor meeting lots of people it was easier to have a rote thing. Now, it isn't rote so much as part of who I am. Now you want to know how shallow I am? The thing I dislike most about me is my hair! It is fine, limp, straight and bald women run in my family. Ugh!

  2. So glad you're jumping in! I can't wait to follow along.

    Lee said it very well.

    You are so brilliantly intelligent and well spoken - I don't think I would think anything of a stutter here and there {or everywhere... for that matter.}

    But hey! Welcome to day one. Your honesty was perfectly on point. ;)

    Just wait till tomorrow - it's WORSE, in my opinion. I'd rather bash myself all the live-long day ;)

  3. Lol Lee..if it makes you feel better, my hair is fine, limp and straight too. AND I started going gray 15 years ago when I was 21. o.O

    I guess it's just hard when I try to talk and nothing comes out. I know I am just self-conscious about it but I feel like whole world is watching me contorting my face in an effort to speak.

    And Laura, you were right. Day Two was MUCH worse than Day One. ::thud::

  4. Being self-conscious and anxious sucks. I so hear you on that!

    These truth posts are freaking difficult, but I have to admit I like how they force me to think about myself in a different light.

    Hugs. I adore you.


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