Day 9: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
I've been pondering this one for a few days. I couldn't come up with just one person. What I came up with is that I didn't let go of anyone. I let them just drift away.
I have a very hard time making friends. I'm sure some of the readers of this blog who don't adore me yet would say that it's because I'm angry and bitter and need to be prayed for. The truth is, I think that people find me awkward in social situations...and therefore, I don't get invited out a lot. And because I'm afraid that people find me awkward, I don't call anyone up to see if they want to hang out. Vicious cycle, yes?
My whole thing is, I can't allow myself to get close enough to people because they always leave or hurt me. It's worked to protect my fragile soul so far...but it definitely isn't conducive to forming long term friendships. I live behind a wall of my own building and am unsure of how, or even whether it's safe, to knock it down.
Maybe knocking it down is overly ambitious to start. How about making a door you can choose to open as you will. :-)
ReplyDeleteI definitely don't feel you are angry or bitter. Passionate, definitely. And very, very funny, in a wry sort of way.
ReplyDeleteI find it difficult to make the effort now. Because I'm an introvert. And I've lost so many people in recent years. This post felt very convicting to me because I, too, am a bit awkward socially. Actually, if I'm honest, I should copy you and make a new tag on my blog that says "awkward as hell." But I need to make more of an effort. Even though I don't really want to. *sigh*
You're probably right Lee. :)
ReplyDeleteAnd TMomma, sometimes I feel like I'm so stuck in my solitary ways, why bother changing it? But then, the loneliness washes over me and I wonder, why not? ::hugs::
I don't find you angry or bitter either. I do find it hard to read your words sometimes, like this post today. Only because it's hard to read the way that being given up for adoption effects people. I believed adoption would only be full of goodness for my son.
ReplyDeleteI love the advice that Lee gave you! I hope you can find a place to put that door :)
Nope, not angry and bitter. I think you are pretty cool, personally. I think a lot of us end up drifting away from people, with age, with life changes and so on. I think it is kind of normal. (for us)
ReplyDeleteAnother vote for you not sounding angry or bitter. Having read all of your blog-- I would have a lot more anger than what you have conveyed.
ReplyDeleteAnger can be healthy. I don't understand why so many people freak-out if someone gets angry about something. There are things in life that warrant anger and to not feel anger would just be wierd.
Bitterness is a different story--- but I don't get that from your posts either.
I agree with Sunday-- most people tend to drift in and out as life changes and evolves.
I also think having one or two really good friends is much better than having lots of "sorta" friends. Really good friendships take time to build-- and I think this becomes harder as we become older with more responsibilities to family and all that.
I can relate entirely.
ReplyDeleteI don't even know what to say, because I can't figure out how to improve this for me either.
Dang, why can't people I meet over the internet, like you live next door?
Hugs.
Angry and bitter? Not a bit of it. That's just the sunshine and rainbow fart-y brigade talking. They suck and don't have a clue.
ReplyDeleteI think it's great that you're strong and intelligent. People need to earn their way into your trust and heart. It takes time.
And having said that, you've let me in! Thank you for trusting me. (((Christina)))
I can definitely relate to that vicious cycle you are referring to. Seems like no matter how hard I try the awkwardness is always there to remind me that I am different.
ReplyDelete