I don't know whether this person's spouse is reading my blog, so I'm going to keep this as brief as possible. (If she is, I hope she understands why I am writing about the situation on this post...strictly in the name of healing).
I've done things I'm not proud of in my life. And one of those things was sleeping with my son's father on the first date.
Phew.
Still here?
I've forgiven myself for that. It happened, we were together through my pregnancy and then we broke up (I'm grateful for that because things got VERY messy at the end) when Chase was 3 months old.
What I have to forgive my ex for is his disrespect to me as a person, and as the mother of his son.
He posted a Myspace profile when things were particularly rough between us after he returned from a 3 year fathering hiatus with a new wife and daughter in tow...I was angry at his nonchalent attitude towards our son and he was angry because he believed I had kept him from Chase.
It was bad enough that the url for the page ended in "fuckucw"...but the profile picture he posted made my blood boil.
After things had gotten better and more civil between us, he removed the picture and deleted most of the page's content..but the hurt remains..even all these years later. I know, I know...just one more thing I should just "get over". And I'm trying. But some days the shame just washes over me like a tsunami.
I HATE that you are the one who feels shame in that situation! And I dont think that that is something that a person can just "Get over" either. No one has the right to treat anyone, let alone the mother of their child, that way.. HE should be ashamed not you.. Grr. Sorry. That should not have made me so angry :) I think its amazing how honest you have been and I admire you for it!
ReplyDeleteI hate that I feel shame about the situation too Katy. I know that it's in the past...but the "You're stupid..you're ugly..you're fat...you're a slut" tapes I recorded subconsciously that play in my head CONSTANTLY still have the ability to get to me.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your support. <3
Christina,
ReplyDeleteIt says alot about you that you can be so honest with these 30 posts. We all beat ourselves up horribly about such small things.
I was laughing at the I fuck on the first date, wow your ex had some balls. Maybe I am miss understanding but didn't he do the exact same thing? It was bad for you to do it but not for him. Did you hold him down and not allow him leave until he had sex with you?
He must have been hurting a lot to say those things about his childs mother. There is no other explanation for being so cruel to another person.
BTW we all have those tapes playing in our heads. Being apart of the adoption triad doesn't help either. My loudest tape is "if I wasn't good enough to parent my first child what makes me good enough to parent the next three."
Jeannette
Can I just say how in awe I am of how you are addressing such REALLY hard questions? I blog practically all the time. I yak as much w/ my fingers as I do in real life. LOL BUT I know I could never bring myself to answer so many tough questions in a row. Just a wimp!
ReplyDeleteAaaw hun, he was not right in treating you that way. So not right. It's understandable to feel hurt, and to feel that it's hard to treat him the same respect you would if he hadn't done that. After all, he did that, and you can't undo something like that just by taking down the page.
ReplyDelete: (
Hugs.
I hope maybe at some point in his life he might reflect about his actions and how they affected you as much as you have thought about yourself and your attitudes toward him.
Nice guy!!
ReplyDeleteYou know, it's so hard to hear you say how much you dislike yourself because I think you are an incredibly amazing person. I guess I get a little defensive for you! ;) You have been such a huge support to me and have helped me in more ways then you will ever know. I admire your honesty and 'realness'...what we see is what we get. I love that about you. I don't see someone fat or ugly or stupid....I see my friend...caring, compassionate and loving. You're one special person, Christina. I love you!
ReplyDeleteGood for you.
ReplyDeleteI hate that we carry that crap around with us for waaay to long too. I think I sometimes continue to beat myself up about something because in some mixed up way I think that it will help me not make the same mistake again...but I don't think I would anyway, so what the crap?!
I'm with everyone else. You are BRAVE for jumping in with both feet and just being honest.
It's amazing, really.
Holy moly, Cricket. This post made me cry - I am so sorry that you have had to deal with so many crappy men in your life. :(
ReplyDeleteLike everyone else has already said, you are amazingly, astoundingly, ridiculously, fantastically courageous for your honesty. I stand all amazed at your strength.
Love,
M.
He sounds like a real piece of work-- I hope he's matured-- a lot!
ReplyDeleteI always try to keep in mind that when a person does or says something malicious-- it usually says more about that person than the person to whom they are directing their maliciousness.