Tuesday, July 6, 2010

The Princess Has Arrived

The call came in the morning.  My adoptive mother answered the phone...hearing their case worker telling her that they had a baby girl, just six days old, arriving at the agency that afternoon.

She immediately called my afather at work and told him to come home.  Many more calls were made to family, friends and neighbors...telling them of the blessed event.  But, horrors!, they weren't ready!  The crib wasn't put together...having been taken apart once my asister grew out of it...no clothes, no diapers..no bottles..nothing..not even a name.

Once my father arrived home, the neighbors took off and started shopping...for the clothes, the diapers, the bottles..the name would have to come later. 

The trio, mother..father..and four year old sister, set off for the agency...only to find out that the wee one wouldn't make her appearance for another hour or so.  They had lunch..and went back to sit in the waiting room.  Minutes dragged by until finally, the baby was brought in and taken away.

Arriving at the family's home, it was clear that a crowd had gathered to gawk at the newest resident on the street.  A sign was posted outside the house..only making it that much more evident that the child didn't have a name.  It was, in fact, the same sign that had greeted the first child to the house four years earlier...but now, instead of it saying, "Welcome Home Baby W #1"..it said, "Welcome Home Baby W #2".

An impromptu baby shower was then thrown in the living room.  The shopping trip that the neighbors had embarked on hours earlier was now coming to fruition.  The men folk began putting the crib together while the women oohed and ahhed over the child. 

The child that for the first two weeks of her life was known as Princess....because she still didn't have a name.

Monday, July 5, 2010

God's Plan?

My last post, along with the two comments I've gotten so far, has got me thinking.  Some AP's have said that it was God's plan that they adopt.  That is was God's plan for me that I didn't grow up with my natural family and instead grew up with abusive twitch-holes. 

But what of the fact that my afather was sterile?  Couldn't that have also been God's plan?  That God knew the kind of sick, twisted abusive father he'd be and wanted to "cut it off at the pass", so to speak? 

I think Linda said it best.."Plan A is to have your own kid. Plan B is adoption. Guess what?? Our ap's were our plan B, too."

As Luck Would Have It



My adoptive parents began trying to have children almost immediately after they got married in 1962.  My mother was 22 years old, my father 27.  For eight years they tried...and ultimately it was discovered that the reason for their infertility was my father.  He couldn't produce enough swimmies for fertilization to occur.

In 1970, after this crushing blow, they settled (yes, settled) on adoption.  Choosing an agency..working with a case worker..paying the fees.  Decided that they only wanted girl babies.  No boys.  I suppose that makes sense though..my mother grew up with two brothers and my father grew up with three brothers.  And how easy it was to check the box marked "Infant girls only" when filling out the paperwork.

My adoptive sister was born in April of 1970 and was placed in foster care for six weeks.  Cue the call from the adoption agency to my parents and VOILA..instant family.  Due to the agency's rules they had to wait for at least two years before putting their names in the hat again for another girl...and I'm pretty sure that two years to the day from my sister's homecoming is when they did just that. 

But two years is a long time to wait...and they grew impatient.  My mother's favorite story about my adoption is that she and my father were, literally, days away from calling the agency to tell them that they wanted to "cancel their order" and would have to be happy with just one child for now.  But then, as luck/fate/whatever would have it, they got the call on June 25th that there was a six day old infant girl available for pick up at the agency...

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Random Bloggy Bits

I had another adoption blog a few years ago...one that I started right after my reunion journey began with my natural family.  I read some of the entries now and cringe wildly because of how "happy dappy" I made my childhood sound.  Having read this current blog, most of you will know that my life and childhood has been anything BUT "happy dappy".   I'm sad for myself that I felt like I had to lie..or omit the truth at least.

I gave my nmother the link to that old blog.  I wanted her to see how happy I was with having been found...wanted her to think that my childhood was perfect and the fairytale that she had wanted for me.

She knows differently now.  Knows of the abuse.  Loves me still.

I haven't told her about this blog.  I think I kind of decided that I needed a place where I could be completely honest with my feelings..and not feel the need to censor my words.  I've given the link to a few friends...but aside from one, I don't think they check in here anymore.  Not sure if that means I've become boring or not, but we'll go with "they're too busy"..lol. 

So, what would I do if my nmother ever found this particular blog?  Well, she does know that I'm still blogging...just doesn't know the URL of this one.  Hmmmm...I honestly don't think that I'd change the way I wrote it.  If I did, I'd be denying my feelings and I've made the decision to stop doing that.  She wants me to heal from the abuse..and this is one of the ways I do that.  She asks me how therapy is going..she is concerned about my emotional health..and loves that I have given myself an outlet to express what is going on in my soul.  Anything she wants to know..she asks.  And if there's something she's not quite ready to hear the answer to, well, she doesn't ask.  Yet.

Friday, July 2, 2010

To Re Or Not To Re(work) This Blog

I feel scatterbrained today.  Probably the main reason for that is that our Quarter just ended at work and everyone is hitting the reset button..takes a few days to recover from that...lol..make that a few days to a few weeks to recover.  I'm emotionally spent...even changing my blog template design the other day took all my energy and as hard as I tried, I couldn't seem to form a logical blog post, so rather than just post about mindless crap, I chose to give myself a break.

I've been reading my friends' blogs the past few days though and I've come to realize that I really haven't "told my story" here.  Not so that it's easy to follow anyway..and I'm frustrated.  See, my goal is to one day write a book..and if I can't even write my own truths down so they make sense, how in the world will I be able to write something that will capture the readers' attention?  Answer:  I can't.

So, if you're all up for it...I'd like to start at the beginning again.  Some of the upcoming blog posts will probably be redundant.  And for that, I apologize.  Just skip over the stupid parts.  Just don't tell me you skipped over them...I might get a complex ::grin:: .

Where should I start?  At the adoption agency?  My childhood?  My reunion??  Where?  Help! 

I'm totally open to suggestions.  After all, yes, I write this blog mostly for myself..but you are all very important to me..even those of you who read my posts and just shake your heads sometimes.  Hard to believe that not everyone is hanging on my every word..but I'm sure it's possible. 

For now, I'm going to enjoy my glass of wine/whine and wait for some responses.  Yes..I live for comments..so let me know what you are thinking.  Even if it's to tell me to shut up.  I can handle it.  Lol..usually.

ETA:  I love the title of this post..lol..I crack myself up.  Shakespeare is turning over in his grave.  Sorry dude.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Complimentary

All About Me Quote and Life Quote Pictures, Images and Photos

The above quote is attributed to Judy Garland.

I've never done well with compliments.  Never.  I've always figured that people are just being nice when they tell me I'm pretty..or that I am intelligent...they can't mean it...not about me.  I'm the dumpy chick who never has the right clothes..or the right haircut.  I'm the girl who had the dogbone thrown at her in 7th grade...

Today though, I received a compliment that literally changed my perception of myself.  Not just any compliment though...one of the most touching, beautiful compliments I've ever heard.  I'm not quite sure if my friend Jen knows how much it meant to me...and I can't really express my emotions about it properly without sounding like a buffoon..but suffice to say, she had me crying at work.  I love you Jen.

She told me that she "loves my realness".  That I'm true to myself. 

Wow.  Me??

I've been called many things...but real is not one of them. 

I spent my entire life being something I wasn't...happy.  I pretended that things were wonderful growing up because that was what was expected of me.  I was a fraud. 

I'm learning how to speak up for myself.  I DO have feelings that I can share safely.  No one can take those emotions and feelings away from me.  I own them.  And rather than stifling them down..and locking them away in the treasure chest of my heart, I am opening Pandora's box and letting them be free.

It's still a work in progress..this journey to "realness".  But the fact that Jen sees that in me means that I'm doing something right.

So, thank you Jen...for helping me to believe in myself. 

Saturday, June 26, 2010

To Lia

Well, how things can change after the click of the "Publish Post" button.

I guess I should have waited to see whether you actually were considering parenting your child..because that was where my response was coming from.  Judging from the comments I found out you tried to make on one of my adoptee friend's blogs, you have already made your mind up and are only looking for someone to tell you that you are making the right decision.

Sorry, that's not me.  Perhaps you should unfollow this blog because you won't get the "Oh, what a wonderful thing you are doing for your child".  You just won't. 

Telling someone to shut up because she was talking about HER mother on HER blog isn't going to make you any friends.

Lose my blog URL please.  Thanks.

Afraid To Say The Wrong Thing

I woke up this morning..checked my Gmail from my phone and saw that I had another comment on my last post.  From Lia.  I read the comment and immediately jumped up, started my laptop and began pacing around the kitchen. 

Hi. Your blog is interesting as hell. I'm new to this whole blogosphere thing but it was pointed out to me that I need to reach out to people and somehow I stumbled into the adoptee world which is just so... weird. I'm a young pregnant chick working through the adoption process (more like slogging, actually) and I dunno I guess I just want to make sure the a-parents I choose aren't like this Russian chick. Are you in touch with your birth parents? Were you growing up? Did you have a good experience growing up?



Gaaah okay sorry.
-Lia

First of all, thank you Lia.  Thank you for taking the advice of your friend that told you to reach out to people in Blogland...and I'm glad you stopped by.  I want to answer your questions...and hope that my responses don't scare you off.

In regards to making sure the a-parents you choose wouldn't be like the last Blog o' Shame winner...you can't.  Pure and simple.  My aparents went through home studies...talked the talk...walked the walk...and got two daughters out of the deal..one in 1970 and one in 1974 (me).   And there wasn't a day that went by when I was growing up that I didn't have to show how grateful I was to be saved from a life being raised by a teenager. 

I paid with my self confidence. 
I paid with my voice. 
I paid with my innocence. 

I paid with my life.


My natural mother found me on Myspace in 2008..and made first contact with me in July of that year.  From the very beginning, our relationship came really easily.  For the very first time in my life, I felt loved.  Not because of the grades I could get..or because of the great job I did vacuuming the rugs..or because I kept my mouth shut at the appropriate times or because I said "I'm sorry" the correct number of times, thereby avoiding the wrath of my mother.  My natural mother loved me, sight unseen..and had loved me for the 34 years we'd been apart. 

No, unfortunately, my adoption was not open.  I'm not sure whether my feelings for my natural mother would be as intense as they are if it had been.  All I can really tell you is that regardless of whether my childhood had been great, and whether my aparents had been all they'd hyped themselves up to be (instead of the abusive twitwads they actually were)...I still would have dreamed about my natural mom and family. 

I don't say any of this to hurt you Lia..I guess I just hope that you really look at all your options.  I wasn't prepared to parent my daughter...and I was 24 at the time I found out I was pregnant.  But for myself, coming from a life that had sprung from such deep loss, I knew that I couldn't give her away...

My email address is on my blogger profile...I hope you'll write me if you have more questions..or if you couldn't understand what I wrote in the above post.  If that's the case, I'm wicked sorry...I have no business trying to form a complete sentence at 6:30am on a Saturday.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Time To Change My Age In My Profile

its my birthday Pictures, Images and Photos

::giggle::  Sorry guys, couldn't resist.

Had a great day today.  Dropped off Chase with his father...he was sad that he was going to be gone today but my ex and I share the same birthday and this was his scheduled weekend..not to mention the fact that it's Father's Day tomorrow.  Told him we'd celebrate on Monday when he gets home so he was okay.

Went and got my nails done..my one and only guilty pleasure..and then did a little shopping at Old Navy (okay, so the nails thing is ONE of my guilty pleasures..lol).  Spent the afternoon putting together my nmom's birthday present.  I'm giving her a photo album with a bunch of my baby pictures since she never got to take any of me. 

The only hiccup came when the guy at the photo place asked me why I was taking a trip down memory lane with all the pictures and I told him the truth.  He said, "Wow, that's really creepy that she found you on the internet..aren't you pissed at her?  I mean, if you grew up with a great family, isn't she intruding on that?"  I looked him square in the eyes and said, "See, I DIDN'T grow up in a great family.  And regardless of whether I did or didn't, she's my mother."  I paid for the pictures and hightailed it out of there before I kicked him in the nuts said something unkind. 

Met my afamily for dinner..opened presents and Steven, Maddie and I headed out for a ride.  I was driving and he told me to head to one of the shopping plazas in the area.  Ended up at Best Buy, where he proceeded to help me pick out my present from him.  A new camcorder!  I've been wanting one for awhile.  It's difficult to videotape Maddie's concerts in one minute increments on my digital camera so this will be great for that!

Tomorrow I'm packing up Madelyn and we're heading out to Gloucester for the Pirate Faire (my n-uncle's picture is the top one on the right in the link).  My n-uncle is one of the actors performing during the day and since Chase got to go last year, it's my girl's turn this year.  We'll meet up with my Chriss, Cate and some of their friends...just have to remember to pack the sunscreen. Lol..I'm still peeling from the sunburn I got three weeks ago at the beach. 

Sorry for all the babbling...hope everyone's having a great weekend!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Gentleness, Emails and Snickers

Hmmm…work or blog..work or blog…I know, BLOG!


I'm going to say this gently for all of my readers..because you should know by now that I love you all dearly. You're like an extended family…lol..that makes THREE families under my belt ;)

I know the comments within my last couple of posts got really heated..and at times, personal. I'm all for freedom of speech and freedom of expression..but not at the expense of someone's identity. I don't agree with Mongoose..except VERY rarely..I think she'd concur on that point. But as a child, having been mocked relentlessly about my weight, my glasses, my clothes, my hair, my everything, I know how painful that can be to hear.

I spent the bulk of my childhood "losing" my voice because I didn't want to be seen..I don't want that to happen to anyone else. Least of all, my beloved readers..regardless of whether we agree on certain points or not.

Express yourselves…comment to your heart's content…but can we ease up on the personal bits? Please? For me?

Moving on…

Saturday is the day. The big 3-6. I don't say that to get a ton of birthday wishes…just stating that it's coming up..fast and furious. Last week I noticed that my amother was being a bit cold to me on the phone and then just went MIA. Friday, she took Madelyn for her weekly sleepover night at Grammy's and I was able to find out what got her panties in a bunch on Saturday.

Here's the conversation:


Her: So, did you get my email? (said in a terse voice)


Me: No, what email? (genuinely confused)


Her: I sent you an email and you didn't respond.


Me: Which email address did you send it too?


Her: I don't know, whichever one you gave me! (agitated)


Me: My work one, my Gmail one or my AOL one? (annoyed but trying not to show it)


Her: It wasn't your work one..and I don't know what Gmail is (Maddie giggled at this point and I had to give her "The Look"), so it was probably AOL.


Me: That's the email address that I've told you I never check anymore.


Her: Oh! (brightening up considerably) I thought you were just ignoring me!  Well, I was just writing to find out what you wanted for your birthday. 


Me:


Madelyn: (snicker)